Why Is Dating So Hard? [RIG Ep 027]
Why Is dating so hard these days?
When you think back to simpler times, there weren’t all the complications we seem to have today in modern dating.
No ambiguous “friends with benefits”
No swiping right or left
No text message mind games
No tools to help you with text message mind games (things that tell you if your message was opened or read)
No pickup artists memorizing countless canned routines
No playing hard to get
No trading sex for commitment
No emotionally unavailable men or women wasting your time
None of that nonsense.
It was almost straightforward.
Guy likes girl. Guy asks girl out. If they like each other, they “go steady.” If they still like each other after a while, they get married.
Okay, so maybe that’s a bit over-romanticized.
I know dating was never problem-free. Each generation has it’s own challenges and struggles.
But, even just watching things unfold over the past several years, I have noticed that there is a shift in the way people are dating.
So, let’s talk about why dating is so hard.
“Well, This Is Awkward” – Why the Idea of “Dating” Makes It Hard
First and foremost, dating is hard because people often begin dating from a place of stress and anxiety.
They typical “date” is often more like an audition or a job interview.
You go on the date and hope that the other person likes you, you put on your best act and do everything to seem as attractive as possible.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s normal to want to look good… especially when it comes to an attractive person that you might want to get to know **ahem** intimately.
But the idea of “dating” is inherently a deception.
Just like how we all know that most of us try to look like the best employee ever during a job interview, we all know that the other person is going to be on their best behavior during a “date.”
That’s actually why I recommend that people stop going on “dates.”
Bypass the Stress of Dating, by Giving Up Dating
Dates are stressful. They’re awkward. Especially if they follow the typical script.
Dinner + Movie + Forced and Strained Questions = Maybe Going Back to My Place for Coffee…?
It’s artificial, and it makes you and the person you’re out on a date with stressed.
So stop it.
Stop going on “dates.”
By that, I don’t mean that you should lock yourself at home and never make any contact with attractive humans ever again.
I still want you to get out there, meet people, flirt, and all that.
Just avoid the stereotypical “dating” situations, at least in the very early days of dating.
Most people use the first date or two as a way to impress the other person.
Sweep them off their feet with extravagant restaurants, attractive clothing, stories bragging about how cool they are, etc.
It’s all BS, and we all know it.
So stop going into situations where you know things are going to be BS.
Why Is Dating So Hard? : You’re Not Having Enough Boring Dates
Boring dates are great. Something painfully mundane, like having a cup of coffee together is idea.
Because it takes the focus off of the date and how impressive it is (or so we hope).
Instead, it puts the focus on where it should be at the very early stages: the connection between the two of you.
I’ve often said that the connection is the most important thing in a relationship, and I am not exaggerating.
And boring dates are excellent ways to bypass all the distractions and jump right to the connection.
After you have a stronger connection with one another and after you know each other a bit better, then I would recommend going on some more interesting dates that may be more fun, exciting, or whatever seems the best for the two of you.
The Times, They Are A-Changing
Okay, so there’s that aspect of dating.
But beyond that, we have more and more people connecting to the internet, social media, and, of course, their smart phones.
Now, there have been great benefits to all of these technological advancements.
…But they have also come at a price as well.
Because we, as a society, are spending more and more time on social media, text messaging, and even online dating apps, we are developing several social challenges.
Namely a decreased attention span, a desire for instant gratification, and less connection of emotional substance.
Why take the time to get to know someone, if you can just judge them by how they look and swipe away?
Now, of course, we’ve always judged others by their looks (I’d be lying if I told you that your looks don’t matter when it comes to dating).
But, in general, we are becoming more superficial.
And, as this happens, “bright shiny object” syndrome starts to take over.
We give up on anyone who isn’t “perfect” and decide to pursue someone who is just a little bit better than them.
We start to see people as expendable commodities, products that we can put in our shopping cart or pass up, rather than… oh, I don’t know… human beings with actual feelings and emotions.
So, that, in my humble opinion, is why dating is so hard.
How to Make Dating Easier
First, go on those “boring dates” I wrote about above.
Second, understand that your phone, social media, and a desire for instant gratification are driving your decisions.
After that, if you are a person who craves a real emotional connection, and a real relationship, then don’t complain about people ghosting you, flaking on you, or any of the other modern phenomena.
Instead, use that behavior as a filtering mechanism.
If someone ghosts you, it shows you more about who they are (and it gives you a good idea about their character).
If someone flakes on you, it shows you that they don’t take their commitments seriously (could this mean possible cheating down the road…?).
If someone is emotionally unavailable, eliminate them as an option and keep searching for someone who is available.
Yes, you’ll have to wade through a lot of frustrating experiences and people who can’t or won’t give you the emotional connection you want.
But, you’re not looking to be in a relationship with just anyone.
You want to be in a relationship with the right person.
So, as humanity careens closer toward Idiocracy, just keep focusing on the right person for you.
You’ll eventually find that special person.
But you have to eliminate all the wrong ones.