Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. Today let’s talk about commitment in a relationship. How and when to commit is a good question and we talked a lot about this last week. So my personal recommendation is that you should commit slowly but walk away from a relationship quickly once it becomes clear that two of you are not compatible or are unlikely to create the kind of relationship that you’re looking for.

Most people go through relationships by fumbling through the dating world. Because of this reason people tend to cling on to the first person that they feel is good enough. The first person that they are attracted to, or the first person they could have a coherent conversation with.

The problem with this sort of thinking is that you’re not really setting standards and boundaries when it comes to your relationships or the person that you’re dating.  You basically end up dating this person just because he/she is around. Now the question I want you to ask yourself is, is this a good enough reason to commit to someone? Is this a good reason to get in to a relationship with someone?

Most people approach dating as if it’s this thing that is uncomfortable, awkward and undesirable. So they just want to fast forward through it all and just get in the relationship.

You might have an emotional connection obviously. Sure. You might be attracted to them but what I’m saying is that is not enough. It is not enough to have chemistry with somebody. It just not enough to be attracted to somebody. It’s not enough to like somebody.

You need to look for more when it comes to the person you actually want to commit to and be in relationship with. You have to know what it is that you’re looking for in a partner. This is how you have a committed relationship.

You have to ask yourself do you actually share values? You actually have things in common?

You both need to actually want similar things in life. If not, then you’re going to have a hard time eventually.

Ask yourself what qualities you look for in a partner? Is it honesty? Loyalty?  Can you be with someone who isn’t going to prioritize spending time with you?

These are things you really need to think about if you end up in a relationship with somebody who has these sort of deal breaker qualities. One of the biggest signs of a committed relationship is two people wanting the same things in life.

So you want to give yourself time to think about what it is that you want and what is it that you don’t want, in a partner and a relationship. You need to use these criteria to qualify the people that you meet and date. They could be friends of friends, people you meet at a dating events, someone you met at a bar or a club, and online dating.

Whoever they are and however you met them, YOU have to make sure they qualify in terms of the standards you have set for yourself, and if they don’t measure up to your standards, you need to let them go.

It doesn’t matter how attractive they are. Doesn’t matter how great they are in every other aspect.

If they have something that you do not want in a partner or relationship, or if they are missing a quality that you’re looking for in a partner, then you’re better off letting that person go so that you create the space in your life to welcome someone who can give you what you want.

If you cling onto somebody who is unable or unwilling to give you what you want you’re going to end up wasting a lot of time on them. It could be months and even years that you could have spent meeting someone who is more suited to be your partner. If you cling onto relationship that is mediocre, luke warm or even terrible, then that is valuable time that you are wasting being off the market.

In order to maximize your exposure to people that have the possibility of giving you what you want, you will have to eliminate people that cannot or will not give you what you want as quickly as possible. This will create space in your life to welcome people that could give you what you want into your life.

Once you find somebody that does have all the things you’re looking for and does not have all the things that you’re not looking for, that is when you can go about committing to that person. Until then you have to really test them and probe them to find out what their character is.

Like I said before be slow to commit. You want to give them opportunities to show their character and what their values are before you commit to them. If they don’t have those qualities, you want to be quick to walk away so that you have that space in your life to welcome somebody who does have those qualities. Unfortunately this is the polar opposite of how most people approach dating and committing to a relationship.

Most people find a relationship and try to fit their partner according to their wants and needs. In my experience, a lot of the problems that most people have are the result of trying to make a broken relationship work. It involves trying to change somebody in to something they are not. This is as you know one of the most unloving things you could do to someone. For e.g. t’s not a very kind thing to say “hey lose the weight in order to be in a relationship with me”

Or

“you need to have more ambition, if you’re going to be with me”  whatever it might be…

You have to accept someone the way they are now in this moment.

If you can’t do that, then you do not want to be in a relationship with them and it doesn’t matter if you spent months or even years with them.

It doesn’t even matter if you spent a decade with them, you’re not going to change them and you’re not going to get them to be the person that you want to be. You’re not going be able to get the relationship that you want out of them, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for years. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a decade. Just because you’ve been in a relationship for a long time doesn’t mean that that relationship is necessarily worth saving.

Only save a relationship if it actually has the possibility of giving you what you want. If it doesn’t have that, the other person is unable or unwilling to provide you with what you’re looking for, then you’re best to just walk away. There’s a certain psychological phenomenon that people go through when they cling on to un-resourceful and unbeneficial situations longer than necessary.

It’s called a sunk cost bias. It’s basically an escalation of commitment because you’ve spent so much time, money or effort on something that you find it hard to let go.

it not just applicable to relationships. It could be anything from a college degree to a career, and even a health routine or a diet.

You may feel obligated to keep holding on because you’ve spent so much time on a particular relationship. It’s when you find yourself thinking “I’ve spent three years in this relationship with this person. I have to try to save it because otherwise those three years would just be a waste!”

It’s more of a waste to stay in a situation that is not likely to get you what you want than it is to just cut your losses so you can create a space in your life to welcome someone who can give you what you want.

So if you can understand that, and if you can overcome the sunk cost bias, then you actually have the possibility of setting yourself up for success. In the long run, this is how you should know when the right time to commit. It is when you are very confident in your partner’s character, their values, their personality, and you know that the two of you want similar things in life. That’s when you know the two of you are compatible and you know that the two of you are likely to be able to come together to create the kind of relationship that works. It is then that you’re likely to get what you want in the long run.

 

Click here to watch this week’s episode of the Relationship Inner Game Experience

-Clay

Are you ready to be in a committed relationship? And when to commit in a relationship [RIG 26]

Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. This week we’re going to be building off of a little bit of what we talked about last time, which was when you’re moving too fast, when you’re committing to fast and we’re going to be talking specifically about when actually you should be committing in a relationship for best results. This is something that I think we need a lot of in our society because what I have observed from helping people and listening to their relationship and dating issues for several years now is that people are committing way too fast and they are staying in relationships that don’t seem to be serving them for far too long and this is actually the reverse of what I would typically recommend, which is to commit slowly and then to walk away from a relationship quickly.

Once it becomes clear that the two of you are not compatible or are unlikely to create the kind of relationship together that you are looking for. Now, most people go about relationships by just kind of fumbling through the dating world. You know, maybe they go to bars and clubs or maybe they meet somebody through a friend who, a friend of a friend or maybe day actually just, you know, meet a stranger either through, you know, just going through their life, talking to somebody on the bus or at the coffee shop or maybe through something like speed dating or online dating or something like that. But they meet somebody somehow and they approach dating as if it’s this thing that is uncomfortable, awkward, undesirable and they just want to fast forward through it to get to the point of being in a relationship. And I get it.

We’ll talk about dating and why it is so difficult and awkward next week. But right now I get it. And what I’m trying to say is because of this, people are just clinging onto the first person that seems decent. The first person that they are attracted to that they can have a reasonably coherent conversation with who doesn’t seem like they are just using them a creep, a jerk, you know, psychotic in some way or anything like that. And the thing is is that that’s not very good in terms of qualifying the person that you’re getting into a relationship with that’s not very effective in terms of making sure that you have standards and boundaries when it comes to your relationships, so you’re just kind of entering into a relationship without having very strong boundaries or standards in terms of the person that you’re entering into the relationship with, you know, sure.

You might have an emotional connection obviously. Sure. You might be attracted to them, obviously. Otherwise you wouldn’t be considering entering into a relationship with them. But I’m saying is that is not enough. It is not enough to have chemistry with somebody. It just not enough to be attracted to somebody. There’s not enough to like somebody. You need to have more that you’re looking for when it comes to the person that you actually want to commit to, to be in a relationship with. Now, I mean, if you’re just wanting to sleep around or date around or something for awhile, that’s fine. That’s an entirely different story. You don’t need to have as strict of a condition of what you’re looking for in terms of values or anything like that in that situation, but if you actually want a committed relationship, then you have to have some strong standards.

You have to know specifically what kind of qualities you’re looking for in the person that you want and it has to go beyond just their hot. It has to go beyond the fact that the two of you have like an intense emotional connection. It has to go beyond that. Do you actually share values? You actually have things in common. You actually want similar things in life. If not, then you’re going to have a hard time eventually, and the second thing you also want to be on the lookout for. What don’t you want in a partner? What don’t you want to put up with in a relationship? Okay, is it dishonesty? Is it cheating? Is it I’m somebody who is not going to prioritize spending time with you. Somebody who would rather interact with you through a phone or through a screen of some sort. These are things that you want to think about because if you end up in a relationship with somebody who has these sort of deal breaker qualities, then you’re going to be frustrated, okay?

So you want to be able to think about what it is you want and also what it is that you don’t want, and then you want to qualify the people that you meet through however you meet them. Friends of friends, dating events, going to the bar, going to the club, In online dating. Whatever you want to qualify people based off of these standards that you are setting for yourself. And if they don’t measure up to your standards, you need to let them go. Okay? You need to let them go. It doesn’t matter how attractive they are. Doesn’t matter how great they are in every other capacity. If they have something that you do not want in a partner or relationship, or if they are missing something that you do want in a partner or a relationship, then you’re better off letting that person go so that you have the space in your life to welcome somebody who is able to provide those things that you want into your life.

Okay? Because if you cling onto somebody who is unable or unwilling to give you what you want and you stay in a relationship with that person for months, maybe even years, those are going to be months or years that you are not able to find somebody who is able to give you the kind of great relationship that you want. If you cling onto relationship that is, let’s just say mediocre, Luke warm or even terrible, then that is time that you are spending that off the market that you could be spending actually looking for somebody who can and will give you the kind of relationship that you want. So in order to maximize your exposure to people that have the possibility of giving you what you want, you want to eliminate the people that cannot or will not give you what you want as quickly as possible so that you have the space to welcome the people that potentially could give you what you want into your life.

Okay? And in this way, you are able to maximize your exposure to people that can give you what you want. And once you find somebody that does have all the things you’re looking for and does not have all the things that you’re not looking for, that is when you can go about committing to that person, but you have to really test them and probe them to find out what their character is. To find out if they do have these qualities are if they don’t have these qualities. Okay? you want to be slow to commit, like I said before, slow to commit. You want to test them and see what their character is and see what their values are before you commit to them. And then if they don’t have those qualities, you want to be quick to walk away so that you have that space in your life to welcome somebody who does have those qualities and that is actually kind of the exact polar opposite of how most people approach dating and committing to a relationship.

And if you do this, you will be able to avoid a lot of the problems that most people have. In my experience. A lot of the problems that most people have are the result of trying to make a relationship work that just fundamentally is unlikely to work because you know, it’d be, it would involve changing somebody to be something other than what they are. And that’s, you know, one of the most unloving things that you could do is to say, hey, you need to, I don’t know, lose the weight in order to be in a relationship with me or something like that. Or you need to have more ambition or I don’t know, whatever it might be. And you have to accept somebody the way that they are when you found them. If you can’t do that, then you do not want to be in a relationship with them and it doesn’t matter if you spend a month with them.

It doesn’t matter if you spend a year with them. It doesn’t matter if you spent a decade with them, you’re not gonna change them and you’re not going to get them to be the person that you want to be in. You’re not gonna be able to get the relationship that you want out of them, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a year. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a decade. Just because you’ve been in a relationship for a long time doesn’t mean that that relationship is necessarily worth saving. Okay? Only save a relationship if it actually has the possibility of giving you what you want. If it doesn’t have that, the other person is unable or unwilling to provide you with what you’re looking for, then you’re best to just walk away. There’s a certain psychological thing that people used to cling to unresourceful and unbeneficial situations longer than necessary.

It’s a sunk cost bias, which is saying that, hey, I’ve spent a lot of money or have spent a lot of time, I’ve spent a lot of effort into this thing. You know, it doesn’t have to be relationships. It could be anything like pursuing a college degree, a career, some sort of health routine or diet or something like that. And so they think that, okay, because I’ve spent so much time on this, let’s just say relationship. I’ve spent three years in this relationship with this person. I have to try to save it because otherwise those three years would just be a waste. But what I’m trying to tell you is that it’s more of a waste to stay in a situation that is not likely to get you what you want than it is to just cut your losses and to create a space in your life for welcoming somebody or something into your life that actually is likely to get you what you want.

So if you can understand that, and if you can overcome the sunk cost bias, then you actually have the possibility of setting yourself up for success. In the long run, so this is, this is how you should know when the right time to commit is it’s when you are very confident in your partner’s character, their values, their personality, and you know that the two of you want similar things in life and you know that the two of you are compatible and you know that the two of you are likely to be able to come together to create the kind of relationship that works and is likely to give you what you want in the long run. Okay, so with that being said, let’s hop over and talk about our questions from modern love association members this week. Now I have been listening to your comments that you’ve been leaving and I know that a lot of you are wanting shorter relationship, inner game experience episodes. So we’ve decided to limit the questions to five questions from MLA members per week. So this week we have five questions and we’re going to see if this helps make these episodes a little bit easier to digest. So without further ado, let’s go over and get into our questions for this week.

Our first question is from Aaron on Can or should I write a letter after active? No contact Aaron says, Hi Clay. I’ve read some blog posts that you’ve written for other sites about the benefits of writing a letter to establish contact after a NC. Not a love letter, but more of a reconciliation letter, but most of the modern love video suggest using a text message to establish contact after ANC. what is your current thinking on the pros and cons of writing a letter versus sending a text message. If you can think through that the letter is more effective, what do you think it needs to say or to demonstrate? Okay, so if you go through the ESP course, you’ll find in the lesson on odds and ends that there is something called the fresh start letter and what this does is it helps you to apologize to your ex for anything that maybe you did wrong before, during, or after the breakup.

That could potentially be causing your ex to be emotionally shut off from interacting with you. Because if your ex is emotionally shut off from interacting with you, then it doesn’t matter what you say to them, how friendly you are, how outgoing you are, how clever the joke that you tell them, is there anything like that, they’re not going to be receptive to it because there’s still going to have hurt feelings from, I don’t know, maybe the cheating, the lying, the betrayal though, argument that you had, whatever it might be. Okay? And so you have to be able to get over those hurt feelings if there are any present. So what you need to do is you need to evaluate your situation and see if your ex might be holding onto hurt feelings that might be preventing them from actually interacting with you in a, you know, reasonable sort of way.

And if they are holding onto hurt feelings, then you might want to send the fresh start letter. You can go ahead and check out the ESP course for the template, for the fresh start letter to help you get started with that. If you are still on pretty good terms with your ex, if you know it was just sort of like a mutual breakup and the two of you didn’t have one of these, like knock down drag out fights or any of these really dramatic things or anything like that, then you can go ahead and just send them a text message or contact them in any other sort of way. Okay, so Aaron, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. The next question is from Diana. Diana writes in and says dear Clay and Mika. In the last relationship, inner game experience, I enjoyed how you explained that we could expand our range of acceptance by exposing ourselves to situations where things don’t go our way.

I recently interacted with the man I once had a fling with and he told me that he had a girlfriend and was happy. I felt the limits of my emotional capacity as I couldn’t go beyond my acceptance of the news and use this opportunity to deepen the connection. I tapped into my awareness and realized that I was feeling both disappointment and relief, but I was ashamed of the latter, (i.e. “cool. Now I can see other men without feeling guilty”). I have a general fear that men I’m interested in will reject me based on the impression that I will turn to easily towards other potential partners. I claim it is only an impression, but I admit a lack of commitment on my part and attitude of leaving options open. Would you say that my issue is more of an acceptance or self acceptance or one of composure and vulnerability? As always warm.

Thank you, Diana. Okay, Diana. So what I think you need to start by looking at is seeing if there’s any sort of truth to this fear that you have, that you’re afraid that these men will reject you based off of a, an impression that you will turn to easily towards other potential partners. Basically that you won’t be fully committed to them. you know, is this something that has happened to you in the past? And if so, is this something that has happened to you on more than one occasion? You know, if it’s just, once that had happened, then it’s like, okay, well that was just you dealing with a person and that person had their own issues and you know, you can kind of move forward and just say, hey, that was just that person’s issues. But if this is like a serial pattern of yours, then it might be something to do with how you’re bringing yourself to these interactions some way that you’re behaving that is causing men to say, hey, maybe she’s like not really gonna commit to me and she’s gonna, you know, as soon as I walk out of the room or something like that, she’s going to go flirt with some other guy.

And if that’s the case, then there might be something that you are doing that is causing them to have this impression. And again, I don’t know what that might be because I obviously can’t see you. I’m not here with you. so you’re just gonna have to either ask somebody who maybe does know you a little bit better, maybe a friend or a, you know, if you really want to be brave about it, you can actually ask some of your previous guys that you’ve dated either seriously or casually and just say, Hey, I’m trying to learn from the past. What was the reason that you decided not to continue dating me. What’s the reason that you decided to break up with me? Or something like that. And you can get some valuable feedback from people in that regard. But again, you also have to take that with a grain of salt because if one person says something and it’s just like, oh yeah, whatever, you know, that could just be their own issues that they’re dealing with.

But if you start to notice a pattern, then it’s like, oh, okay, I got it. So maybe there’s something that I’m doing that’s causing people to feel this way. And if there is evidence that this is an actual impression that you’re leaving with people and it’s not just some kind of fear that you have a irrationally from, I don’t know that you picked up somewhere along the way, then obviously you need to look at your way of being, how you’re carrying yourself in these situations, how you’re behaving in these situations, and then start to dig a little bit deeper to see where that’s coming from. If it is an irrational fear of yours that doesn’t have any sound grounding in reality, then what you need to do is is you need to get into the habit of, of feeling that fear that a guy might reject you, thinking that you’re going to turn in and put your attention towards somebody else and then just continue to move forward anyway, possibly explore committing to that guy, possibly explore expressing your feelings to that guy, possibly explore seeing where the relationship goes.

Okay? And as you start to move against that fear, you’ll start to find out that that fear isn’t so much a sort of an electric fence that’s telling you, hey, you can’t come this far, otherwise you’re going to experience pain. You’ll, you’ll move past it. And you’ll say, okay, that was just all in my mind. And it turns out that, you know, there’s this entire other world on the other side. And you know, it actually is possible for me to have a relationship. It actually is possible for me to have commitment actually is possible for me to have the things that I want. Okay? So, Diana, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. All right. Our next question is from JB and jB wants to know what advice do you have for practicing self forgiveness?

So the thing with self forgiveness and the thing with I’m holding on to things that happened in the past is that you’re evaluating what you did in the past based off of your current world view, your current understanding of things. And the truth is, is that in the past you had a different worldview, you had a different experience of things that caused you to obviously behave in a way that maybe you regret now, or maybe you wish you had done something differently because you have a different perspective or something like that. So to evaluate what you did in the past based off of a completely different worldview of, could we be different understanding the understanding that you have now is it, it’s not very resourceful. You know, it’s not like you look back on the, you know, things that you did when you were a small child before you really understood the world and how, or anything like that.

And you feel guilty about that. Like most people don’t do that. You just say, Oh yeah, you know, when I was a kid, I, I believed in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy or whatever. And you don’t really blame yourself for that. It’s just kind of, oh, that’s just how it happened in the past. Another way to look at this might be, okay, whatever happened in the past that’s done, there’s no possible way you can ever change that. There is no possible way you can do to change it. There’s no possible way that you can erase it. There’s no possible way that you can undo it. There’s no possible way that you can make that thing that happened in the past, not happen. Okay? That is there. That is something that happened that is cemented in place. Okay? You do not have access to go back in time and change those activities, but what you do have is you have the capacity to learn from the past.

You have the capacity to gain lessons from that past and if you can take those lessons from the past and use them in the present moment to make better choices or to put your life in a better direction or to take things in a in a way that’s more resourceful than you have gotten the lesson from the past. You know, the only reason you would feel guilty or or beat yourself up over something in the past is because you don’t believe that you’ve gotten the lesson that you need from that in order to make your present moment better. Okay? There’s essentially three realms of time. There’s the past, which obviously you can’t control. There’s the future which you can’t really control, and there’s the. There’s the present, which is the only place that you can actually control, and I know it’s really cliche to say that, but truly, I mean obviously you can really only do anything in the present moment and it’s the present moment.

As you know, one moment stacks on top of another, on top of another, on top of another as one thing that you do from one moment to the next moment to the next moment continues to compound. It will start to create a future for you. And the future is determined by the conditions that you put into place by your actions that you take in the present moment. Right? So for example, if you exercise regularly and if you eat healthy, you are creating the conditions for you to have a healthier body in the future, a slimmer body in the future, or more muscular body in the future, right? You’re not going to get there by just working out once or by eating one salad, but it’s the things that you do in the past that compound that layer on top of another, on top of another in the same respect.

You know, you can’t go back in time and undo that. I Dunno, entire pizza that you ate by yourself, a year ago. You can’t undo it, but you can make choices now in the present moment that put you on track for having the kind of health that you want in the future. And the exact same is true when it comes to relationships. So maybe you did something in a relationship that you regret. Maybe you, I don’t know, betrayed somebody because maybe you had poor information and you heard that person’s feelings. That person doesn’t want to talk to you anymore or something along those lines. Okay? So what can you learn from that? You can learn that, okay, maybe I need to not jump to conclusions so much when it comes to a hearing rumors about people or something like that. Maybe I need to give the important people in my life the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe I need to follow through on my word, whatever it might be. If you can learn a lesson from that and you can take that into the present moment, then you can let go of the guilt of the pain of the suffering that you’ve created in the past and you can start to do things in the present moment that will create a new future for you. So you can start to do things. If it was acting completely in integrity with your word, you can go and clean up areas where you haven’t been doing that for any number of reasons. And you know, maybe that involves calling up the person that maybe you hurt in the past and say, Hey, I know that, that I did x, y, z. and that was because a jumped to conclusions and I wasn’t acting in integrity with my word.

And I want you to know that’s something that I’m committed to changing moving forward. Obviously I can’t ask for your forgiveness, but I want you to know how sorry I am that I hurt you in that way. And you know, maybe they’ll forgive you. Maybe they won’t forgive you, but the truth is, is that you’ve learned from that past lesson and you can internalize that lesson to make sure that when you’re in a similar circumstance in the future, that it won’t happen again. Remember, as long as you’ve learned something from your mistakes in the past, then you can let go of those mistakes. You don’t have to hold onto them. You don’t have to harbor, you know, feelings of self hatred or anything like that. So, um, I hope this helps you out, jp, and I hope that this helps you to let go of some of the pain that it seems that you’re holding onto.

And if you have any questions, please follow up with us next week. Okay. Our next question is from Ellie. Ellie writes in and says, hi clay. I had an online chat with my ex about the having more open communication with him. He’s been walling the out. Unfortunately it did not resolve anything and in the end it didn’t feel good for me. He had high reactance and it required some effort to encourage him to say more about his feelings and concerns. I focused on trying to understand these concerns about being in touch with me, which seemed to open him up and allow some connection to happen. I sued some of his concerns about being in touch and let him know that I hoped to be on good terms. He said, well, my concerns have gone down a bit. I would still prefer to keep the distance. I then said that I wanted to find a solution that meets his needs without giving up on my needs.

He replied. I don’t think that’s going to be possible because I would still prefer it if we weren’t in contact. I think because there was a mismatch of what we both wanted, the connection I had built up with him earlier in the conversation might have decreased. He is unwilling to have contact because he still feels negatively towards me, but limited contact means that I can’t change those negative feelings. It’s a catch 22. It has been a year since we had any arguments, so time is not reducing his reactions either. I don’t know how I should approach him next time in order to transform his negative emotions into positive emotions, how might I build a connection with him if he is unwilling to be in contact with me? Okay. Ellie. I’m also attached some screenshots of a text conversation that she had with her ex. I don’t have permission to post those so I’m not.

Although it would really help to explain the context, but basically this conversation that Lee had was a conversation over text message. It wasn’t like a face to face conversation. It wasn’t over the phone. It was over text message and I’m. Allie was really talking to her ex about how, how she used to get jealous whenever he would add friends on facebook that were female or whenever he would comment or like posts from other female people on social media, etc. And she was wondering if he wanted to keep distance from her because he was about how she would respond if he were to do something like that. And he essentially said, yes, I am keeping distance because I’m worried about how you’ll respond when I do these sorts of things. and, and she’s like, well, I don’t want you to have to hold back or restrain yourself.

And all of that. What I would have done in this situation is in the midst of this conversation, one thing that I’m noticing is that a, you could have really inserted something along the lines of like a fresh start letter kind of thing in the midst of that conversation to let him know how you imagine that your actions have impacted him on an emotional level so that, that he would be able to get that you’re empathizing with him and that your, your understanding beginning to understand how your actions are having an impact on him. And uh, you can also ask for forgiveness. You can do all of that stuff just like we talk about inside the fresh start letter template. And I think that would have a, that might have changed the direction of this conversation because what I’ve noticed in the conversation is that you’re, you’re essentially trying to suit his anxieties and then you ask to be back in communication with him.

But then when he says that he still has some hesitation about it, um, you’re, you’re basically trying to convince him to be in contact with you. Convince him that, you know, hey, it’s okay. You know, I’ve been watching you interact with other women on facebook and I have like not overreacted or been jealous or something like that. That’s that. That I think is missing the point there because here you want to talk to his emotions here. You want to talk to how he’s feeling and what his experience was in the past. So I think the fresh start letter probably would have been a good move there. Whereas when you talk about how you’ve been watching him interact with other women, for me, there’s like a shift in the energy in that interaction because it shows him that you’ve been watching, that you’ve been keeping score, that you’ve been continuing to analyze his social media behavior the same way that you did when I’m guessing you were jealous in the past and even though you claim that you’re not jealous now your actions are are still [inaudible] with past behavior, which is not creating a very compelling case for you.

Having actually turned a new leaf here. Okay, so this part of the conversation, you’ve shifted from the context, the emotional context, which is how he feels towards the content towards, you know, hey, I want to be in touch with you. Hey, I’ve watched you interact with women. Hey, I’m totally not jealous and all that stuff and it, it starts to become like a negotiation rather than an empathetic conversation. And you know, at the beginning I want. I just want to let you know, that was very expertly done. That was, that was very well done in terms of the empathy in terms of connecting with him and all of that and I think if you had just gone a little bit deeper and done something maybe akin to a fresh start letter sort of thing in there. I mean obviously wouldn’t be a letter. It wouldn’t be like an email out of the blue or a message out of the blue or anything like that.

It would be within the context of this conversation, but if you use the fresh start structure so to speak, I think that would have given you a better window to to open up towards connecting with him on an emotional level. Okay. In terms of what you can do a moving forward, which is really what your question was about, I would probably still give that a shot. I don’t know how long ago that text conversation wise, but I would probably still give that a shot. I would just say something like, hey, I wanted to let you know, I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other day and I never had the chance to tell you this, but I was thinking about things that happened in the past and I just wanted you to know that I’m really sorry. I can only imagine it caused you to feel anxious, insecure, afraid, frustrated, whatever might be right.

And, that’s definitely not what I wanted at the time. I was just so hung up on, I don’t know, whatever it is you were hung up on and the time when you were so jealous and it just caused me to lose my mind with jealousy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, just kind of go along with that and I think that might, help you open things up a little bit more with him. Okay. Lee. So, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. And our next question is from Clyde. Clyde writes in and says, hi clay. Max and I have been out of contact for three months. The last tIme she had felt pressured by me and unfortunately some of my actions were perceived as me being overly attached.

If we recover contact, I have no idea in what emotional place towards me. I will find her. In any case, I imagined that she might still be a bit guarded, at least this time away has helped me to put things into context, empathize with her perception, especially interaction, interacting with other people is helping me a lot in particular to be aware of when my focus on outcome comes into play. And now I’m wondering what do you think would be the right emotional place that I should be in when or if I regained contact and how would you describe a smooth transition from being out of contact for so long to being in each other’s lives again, in whatever form we can be for now. Thanks clyde. Clyde. So when you are getting in touch with somebody that you have been out of contact with for a while and you really don’t know how that person feels about you.

obviously there’s a certain calibration that needs to happen at first, right, because you don’t know where they’re at, if they’re still like very emotionally upset with you, that’s going to require a different response than if they’ve completely moved on and if they are just ready to, to see what might be possible with you. Right. And so what I think is important to do is to acknowledge where the two of you left off, acknowledged the context that was there when the two of you left off and then try to try to shift it towards a new possibility that the two of you might be able to have together something that is inspiring, something that would make the other person excited to step into that possibility. Right? So, you know, it might look a little bit, I guess this is kind of becoming a theme in this, episode here, but it might look a little bit like a fresh start.

So it might look something Along the lines of, hey, I know the last time that we talked, it seemed like maybe I was a little bit attached to outcome and maybe I didn’t really see things from your point of view and I can understand if you’re still upset about that. Again, that’s not what I wanted and I apologize if that’s how it came across at the time. I was just so anxious that I, I couldn’t see beyond my own perspective, but now I’ve been thinking about it and I just really wanted to just touch base with you and see how you’re doing and see what’s going on with you. And, and, and you know, you can just kind of create some sort of context for them to step into, create some sort of new future for them to step into. And if they’re open to that, then great, you can take that and run with it.

But if they’re still upset and they, you know, respond to you by beIng upset, then you can deal with that. Right? You can actually have a conversation about that. You can take that to a deeper emotional level. You can really empathize with them. You can maybe elaborate a little bit more on what your experience was at the time and what your motives were behind your actions and empathize with them and how those actions may have impacted them and so on and so forth. If you’re getting just complete silence from them, then you might assume that they’re still emotionally upset and you can respond to them in that way as well too. Those are three options that I can imagine right now. There might be some other options, but those are the only three that I can imagine off the top of my head. Okay, clyde, so I hope that helped you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Okay. Those have been our questions for this week. once again, if you have liked this episode, please go ahead and give us a thumbs up. Go ahead and subscribe to us. Go ahead and leave a comment down below letting me know what you think. and if you’d like to receive a little bit more help or advice, guidance with your dating relationship situation, please head on over to relationship inner game.com. If you go to a relationship inner game.com, there is a short little quiz just basically letting me know kind of where you’re at in the whole dating relationship spectrum, you know, are you going through a breakup or are you dating, are you in a relationship? Just just some basic simple stuff. It should only take you like 30 seconds to fill it out. and after I know a little bit more about where you’re at and where you want to go, I’ll give you some tailored advice specifically targeted towards what it is you’re at and where it is you want to go. So again, this has been clay With www.ModernLove.Life and thIs has been relationship inner game. Talk to you next week.

 

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