In this week’s episode we’re going to talk about how to know if your relationship is moving too fast.

First of all why is it important for your relationship to not move too fast?

In today’s society we’re constantly bombarded with how much better we are if we’re in a relationship.

We’re made to believe that if we’re in a romantic relationship or we’ve found a romantic partner, it somehow makes us better people.

And if we’re not with someone, then there’s something wrong with us.

Let me tell you this, its 100% okay to be single. Its 100% okay not to be in a relationship.

It’s a false to assume everyone who is single is desperately trying to get in to a relationship.

If you are trying to get in to a relationship because you don’t want to be alone and you feel the need to be on a relationship, then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship.

So what are the signs that your relationship is moving too fast?

Stay tuned to find out more.

Click here to watch this week’s episode of the Relationship Inner Game Experience

-Clay

 

 

Signs your relationship is moving too fast and why it’s important not to rush in to a relationship.

Hey there, this is is Clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. In today’s episode we’re going to be talking about how to know if your relationship is moving too fast, but first I want to talk about why it’s important that you don’t want your relationship to move too fast. Now, we all live in this strange society and culture where it is believed that if you are in a relationship, you are somehow better than somebody who is not in a relationship and that is absolutely not true. It’s a 100 percent okay to be single its 100 percent Okay to not be in a relationship. It is false that everybody that is single desperately wants to be in a relationship and I just want to get that out of the way because if you believe that it is okay to be single, if you believe that you don’t have to get into a relationship as soon as possible, then you are not going to rush to get into a relationship when maybe you should be taking things slower.

Oftentimes we are very quick to get into relationships and then we find out that they’re not the right one for us. We find out that the person in the relationship with us is not the right partner for us. The relationship dynamic itself just isn’t working or whatever. And then we fight tooth and nail to stay in that relationship to make it work to save it even when it is just like not workable. Right. And what if it was the other way around? What if we were just really slow to get into relationships and then we got out of them quickly when we realized that wasn’t the right partner or when we realized that the relationship was not serving our needs. I think that would be a whole lot healthier than just getting into a relationship as fast as possible. Then then discovering who it is you’re actually in a relationship with saying, oh, that’s not gonna work.

You have all of these strange issues and you’re kind of creepy and all that. And then like try to change the person, try to get them to do to this thing and improve themselves or whatever, and then it just doesn’t work after you’ve been dragging it out for two or three years or something and then it’s just like, oh well, whatever. Relationships are hard. No, that was a relationship you probably could have avoided completely and had another two or three years to be in a relationship with a person that’s actually good for you or at least be open to welcoming that person into your life if you had actually bypassed getting into that a relationship that wasn’t going to work in the first place. So how do you know if your relationship is moving too fast? Well, number one is that there is no emotional connection.

And by emotional connection, I don’t mean attraction or passion or lust or anything like that. I mean I’m just going out on a limb here and saying if you are considering being in a relationship with somebody that you are probably attracted to them are probably, you know, some sexual spark or tension between the two of you, that’s very normal. I’d be very surprised if somebody was entering into a relationship and they did not feel attracted to the other person. That would be a big red flag there, but beyond that you have to actually have some kind of emotional connection with each other. You have to actually be able to talk to each other about things. You have to actually like each other’s company. If you don’t, then it’s just based purely on, hey, I liked the way you look naked. Then that is probably moving things a little bit too fast, so let’s just put it that way.

Okay, so definitely look out for that. That’s where the advanced relational skills that we teach really come into play. They really help you to unwrap somebody to have these emotional conversations where you can actually get to know who that person is and figure out if that’s really the kind of person that you want to be in relationship with in the first place. Second sign that you are moving too fast is that you don’t actually trust the other person and you know. Yeah, I know that trust is something that you kind of develop over time and that, you know, it takes some time to really learn to trust each other and to really learn to work together and all that. But if you’re considering being in a relationship with somebody, you should have a basic level of trust for them. You like something as simple as like, yeah, if they say something, it’s probably going to be true.

If they tell me something I can probably guess that it’s going to be true and you know, yeah, there are some serial liars out there and you know, people that sometimes tell you stories about how they were in a relationship with so and so for like five years. And then it turned out, oh yeah, that he was actually secretly married to somebody else and never told me her. Something like that. But that’s pretty rare. You know, the sociopath out there are pretty rare if you don’t trust somebody yet, it’s not necessarily a red flag. It just means that maybe you haven’t had enough time with each other to actually put your trust in that person. In which case maybe taking things a little slower might give you the space to actually develop that trust, but if you don’t trust somebody, you probably are not in a good space to actually be forming a relationship with them.

And the third thing that might tell you that you’re moving too fast is if quite frankly, you just think you’re moving too fast. we all have our own personal paces for things and if you think that things are just moving too fast, like, you know, maybe hey, we’ve been on two dates and you already want to go on a romantic like week long getaway somewhere that seems a little bit fast for me. you know, that might be fine for somebody else, but if for you that seems fast, then that’s okay. It’s fast for you. And you can maybe put the brakes on the situation and say, hey, thanks for the offer, but I don’t think we know each other well enough yet. And you can have that conversation. Or if it’s like, oh, we’ve been on a, you know, a handful of dates and now you want me to meet your parents, or you want me to meet your kids, or something like that, then you know.

Yeah, and that feels weird to you. Then. Yeah, go ahead. Stick up for yourself. That’s probably too fast for you. We each have our own pace and it’s important to respect and recognize what your appropriate pace is for the relationship and if you think you’re moving too fast, then chances are you probably are, and if nothing else, you should probably have a conversation with your partner, your date about this before you kind of lock or before things just become too awkward or weird or something like that. Have a conversation about it. Get on the same page so that they understand where you’re coming from so that you understand where they’re coming from and all of that. So I hope this helps you understand whether or not you’re moving things too quickly in your situation. Would that being said, let’s head over and answer the questions for this week’s q and a session for the members of our modern love association. Alright

Our first question is from Aaron. Aaron says, my ex has been talking about needing space and time to heal. Before starting ANC, I sent him a three sentence note, calmly telling him that I needed to let him go and to give them space to come to terms with whatever he wanted in his life. I said that note because I thought instantly severing contact would seem immature or spiteful. We were still texting and talking most daily, but the conversations were unhealthy by sending this note. Have I started ANC on the wrong foot and lowered my chances of getting my ex back? Would it have been better to just drop out of our daily conversations without warning? I think that in situations like this, it is actually beneficial to inform your ex about what’s going on. You know, a lot of people treat no contact as if it’s some kind of mind game where it’s like, you know, if, if I just fall off the face of the earth, then was really curious.

They’ll wonder why. I wonder if I’m dating somebody new. They’ll wonder if like I just don’t care about the relationship or something. And then they’ll come crawling back over broken shards of glass with tears streaming down their face, begging to get back together or something like that. I’ve found it through helping people for years and years that that is absolutely not the truth. Most times in fact, people’s exes can be emotionally hurt by, you know, the, the sudden unexplainable radio silence and actually letting them know, hey, I need some space for myself. Or Hey, you know, I just want to let you go so that you can figure out what you want in your life that can actually be a good foundation for creating a context between you and them that they can understand why you might be silent so they can understand why you might not be talking to them.

Okay. And so I think what you’ve done is probably pretty good when you come out of ANC, you know, you’re going to have to, you know, say, Hey, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re doing, or something like that. But you have to make it make sense with exactly what you said when you started that. No contact. Okay. You can have to make it make sense with all of that. So just make sure that that works out when you’re ready to come out of the ANC. So Aaron, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from Rebecca. Rebecca says, hi clay, Max and I will be going our separate ways and about three weeks we’ve been living together for eight months. We’ll just being broken up at the moment.

We get on pretty well and spend nice times together before we started to spend time together. I spent three weeks away doing ANC and ever since joining the chorus, my ex has even commented on how impressed she is with how I have changed. So thank you for that. My ex tells me that she doesn’t feel like herself at the moment and doesn’t know how she feels about me because she doesn’t want me to wait or fight for her. Yesterday we went on a spa day together and had a lovely time. Over dinner. I got really frustrated and mentioned about having a second chance. I was just so attracted to her and was feeling impatient. I know that this is bad considering all that I have learned and she told me that logically I should be given a second chance, but emotionally she just can’t give it to me at this time.

This was hard to take. She said that she would like to work on building a friendship. After we move out. Do you think that I should do and see after we move out or start to build a friendship with her straight away. Okay, Rebecca. So let’s be clear here. The reason that you do active no contact is to strengthen your advanced relational skills. If you do not need to strengthen your advanced relational skills than you do not need to do active No contact. If you are doing this for some other reason, I mean like this is something that I see very often is that people who want to get back together with their ex, they think that the only tool that they have at their disposal is no contact, and so whenever something happens, they just say, okay, I’m going to do no contact. My ex is less than favorable to me.

I’m going to do, you know, contact my ex says to back off, I’m going to contact my ex is dating someone new. I’m going to do no contact. My Ex won’t respond to me. I’m going to do no contact. To be fair, there is a time and place for no contact, but if no contact is your only tool, then you’re kind of screwed. If you’re in a situation that requires something other than no contact, kind of like you’re kind of screwed. If you’re, I don’t know, trying to build something and you need a screw driver and all you have is a hammer or you need a wrench and all you have is a hammer, right? There are times when you need different tools, so if you need to do no contact, active no-contact does strengthen your advanced relational skills and by all means do that, but you haven’t talked about that at all in this question this week.

What I see is that your ex says that logically you should be given a second chance, but emotionally she cannot give it to you, which means that she’s having an issue. Trusting that your changes are legitimate. She’s having a hard time putting her faith and trust in that the person that you’re presenting to her is the person that actually you are right. She thinks it might be some sort of gimmick. She thinks it might be a sort of act. She thinks she could be just on your best behavior and if she were to get back together with you, it’s like root right back to the, you know, the, the bad old days with whatever habits and patterns and all of that stuff led up to the breakup and the first place and nobody wants to walk back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.

So what you’re going to need to do is you’re going to inspire her trust to want to be into a role in a relationship with you again, to inspire her trust, to believe that you are not the same person that she thought you are when she broke up with you. And Trust is something that happens over time. Trust is something that happens through a pattern of consistency. Okay? If you can demonstrate to her on a consistent basis over a period of time that, you know, these changes that you’ve made in your way of being, are real are just who you are right now and they’re not you just having some sort of gimmick or some sort of trick or some sort of ploy to try to get back together. Then she will slowly start to trust you. And as that trust builds and strengthens, she’ll be much more likely to want to give you a second chance.

Okay? It’s important to realize that this is where you have to actually walk the walk. You can’t just talk the talk, you can’t just try and fake it till you make it or something like that. This is where you have to actually be able to embody these changes that you’ve made your way of being and if you slip up, if you are just all talk and no follow through or something like that, she’s going to be able to see it and it’s going to corrupt her trust for you even further. Okay? This is her sort of built in safety mechanism to keep herself safe from people who just talk a good talk, but, you know, aren’t legit in what they say. So this is in order to pass this, you have to actually be genuine in your intentions. You have to be consistent and forthright in your integrity and in whatever changes you may have made your way of being.

So you’ve done something right to get to this point. You just have to make sure it’s actually part of you and not just something that you’re doing to try to get back together with her to move forward. Okay? So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Okay. Our next question is from autumn. Autumn says my ex and I were together for almost two years and she broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We still talk everyday whether it be good or bad. I need to start the ANC because I feel her being more distant anyway. She knows I want her back and she knows I am still trying. Does her knowing this worsen or better? My situation. Okay. So her knowing that you want to get back together with her is simply just a lens through which she is able to see your actions.

Okay. So that means that it’s going to most likely caused her to be suspicious or distrustful about your intentions when it comes to the things that you say or do. Okay. It sounds like she’s still open to the idea of being in contact with you. So that’s good. That’s beneficial. So that, that hasn’t like scared her off or anything, but it’s still probably causing her to be suspect to maybe you know, why you’re being nice to her, why you want to meet up while you’re getting really close to her for some reason or other. And so she’s probably suspicious of these things and seeing your actions through this lens of well, you know, I just wants to get back together with me and if you want to overcome this then you’re going to have to really build that trust. Like we just talked about with Rebecca.

Trust is something that you build over time and when it comes to your ex, you’re just gonna have to demonstrate to her that, you know, this is not some kind of gimmick. This is not some kind of just thing you’re trying to do to get back together with A. This is actually just who you are, right? You’re going to have to show her that your way of being, as you interact with her is not just some sort of ploy, some sort of gimmicks, some sort of tactics and sort of tricks some sort of mind games. And sort of tip or Ninja thing or whatever that you learned on the Internet for trying to get back together with her, but it’s just who you are. Okay. And once you build that consistency, she’ll probably start to relax a little bit and start to open up to you a little bit more and that’s when she’ll, she’ll really start to start to see the connection between the two of you is genuine.

Okay? But it’s going to require you to build that trust, which is going to require some consistency on your part. So in the meantime, the most important thing that you can do is to continue to focus on building high quality interactions between the two of you that bring the two of you closer together on an emotional level. Okay. It sounds like she’s really open to interacting with you, so that’s definitely a good thing. It’s definitely a good foundation to build on. So hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on your situation. Our next question is from faithful in love. Faithful in love. Writes in and says, hello clay. I think my long distance ex is at the riding the dragon stage. We have barely been moving forward within the past few weeks, which worries me. We’re still only commuting, hitting through text message. I’d still say we still have a great connection with deep conversation and silly jokes.

Conversations are always positive. Sometimes he’s really sweet to me, but never romantic. Sometimes he gets from sweet interactions to not making an effort to talk to me. Well. I see him posting on social media obviously being bored. It occurs that he still doesn’t get back to my messages for an hour or so. Seems as if there’s still reactants on his side that he’s trying to hide in positive interactions with me and as if he’s more invested, desperately trying to start a conversation with other girls on twitter, but as he’s reaching out to me daily and always getting back to my messages eventually I don’t feel like complaining about it. We will see each other again in about a month and I hope things are just being on hold because he’s waiting for our meetup to happen so he can see that. I’ve really changed, so my question is, is keeping our interactions positive using the magic questions to create deep conversations and joking a lot, the best thing I can do in this situation or is there anything that comes to your mind that I could do better to move things forward, lower his reactants, and to come closer?

Again, thanks a lot for helping us all. Appreciate it. Make no mistake. The most important thing that you can do if you want to be in a relationship with somebody is to create positive emotional connections with that person. Okay. I say this a lot and people seem to not realize that. I literally mean this. Okay. People think that when I say the connection between you and another person is the most important thing. They seem to overlook this and say, well, yeah, but they’re in a rebound relationship. Yeah, but they said that we should just be friends. Yeah, but we are long distance. Yeah, but this. Yeah, but that. Yeah, but they’re talking to people on twitter or something like that and make no mistake that this is the most important thing that you can do. If you have the strongest emotional connection with somebody else stronger than a connection they’re able to have with somebody else out there, anyone else out there and they already think you’re attractive, otherwise they would have never been in a relationship with you to begin with.

Right? So if you’re attractive and you have a strong connection, why wouldn’t the two of you get back together? The only possible answers that there’s maybe emotional baggage or something like that, but again, you can clear that out through consistency, through how you bring yourself to interactions through advanced relational skills, through things like fresh start letters and stuff like that. You can get over that when it comes to what you should be focusing on. It is having a high quality interactions that bring the two of you closer together on an emotional level. This is literally the most important thing. I would not worry about what he does with people on twitter or other social media websites. In fact, I would not be paying attention to that. Like unless it’s for some reason critically important for you, somehow, like maybe you have common friends or something like that.

for you to be, you know, observing his twitter activity and lining up when he posts certain things too. When you send texts to him or something like that, I would just ignore it. It’s not important. It is not important. What is most important is the quality of the connection that you have between you and him. Okay. That is the most important thing that you could possibly focus on. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe he’s not responding to you right away because he’s trying to think about the right thing to say and he’s just kind of distracting himself by doing whatever on social media. I mean, I don’t know. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ever heard of somebody doing that. Don’t worry about that. Just focus on the quality of the connection that you have between you and him. That is literally the most important thing.

If you want to be in a relationship with somebody ignored everything else and just focus on that and you will be a. okay. Okay. Our next question is from Danny. Danny says hi clay, or a couple of weeks ago and may have made it sound like my ex was dating someone else while we were together. That was unintentional. I just meant that because of the timelines, I thought that it was a possibility, but actually I have no idea and it’s also just as likely that she met them afterwards. This week I have something else on my mind. I emailed her a couple of weeks ago to see if she wanted to meet for breakfast or coffee. She was very friendly and said that she would like that, but was going to be traveling for most of August and we’d probably need to do it near the end of the month.

I sent her an email four or five days ago telling her that I hope that she had a happy summer travel and was going to be down in her area for the weekend after Labor Day if she wanted to meet. She didn’t respond, but I saw that she opened the email. The morning after that I sent it. I have been emailing my ex using the email tracker so that I at least know if and when she’s reading my emails. This is currently our only form of communication. Then yesterday she liked a picture of mine on facebook. She has not done that since last November. It’s obvious to me that she is in test drive phase and not really sure how to interact with me. It took such a long time for us to start communicating again. I definitely don’t want to scare her off. What kind of strategy would you recommend during this phase?

In terms of how often? I try to communicate and follow up on. On answered communication. Okay, so when it comes to how often you should be communicating with somebody there, there’s no set thing like text them every couple of days or text them once a week or something like that. People want an answer like that because it allows them to turn their brain off and to not think, but turning your brain off and not thinking is essentially just not being present in the interaction and if you’re not being present in the interaction, then what’s the point of even having the interaction to begin with? What’s the point of being in a relationship if you’re not even going to be present in that relationship, so I don’t want you to turn your brain off and just robo text her every week or every three days or whatever it might be.

I want you to feel into the situation and know what the right amount of time to text her is. Okay? And here’s a tip. You can text her as much as you want to, as long as the interactions feel good on an emotional level. If they start to feel bad on an emotional level, immediately stop texting and dial it back until you’re able to recalibrate to where things are emotionally and um, you’re able actually have interactions that feel good on an emotional level. Okay? Once you’re able to do this, you can start texting again, so it’s not a matter of just Robo texting them, you know, turn your brain off and just robo text them like once a week or something like that. It’s a matter of tuning into where the emotional connection between you and your ex is. If you can tune into where the emotional connection is, then you’ll know, hey, you know, we just had this great conversation a couple weeks ago.

I can text them now and it’s probably going to feel good. Or Hey, uh, you know, she has answered the last four or five texts that I’ve sent her. So if I sent her another text and it’s coming from the same place energetically, then, then it’s probably not going to feel so great and it’s just probably going to pull back and it’s not gonna feel good and all that stuff. Right? And so the most important thing for you to do is to learn how to tap into that. And the way that you tap into that is by doing the exercises that we out lay for you inside the esp course. Okay. Have you done those exercises? I want to check with you and make sure that you’ve done those exercises because that’s a. that’s important in your development and understanding of the advanced relational skills.

What I would do in your particular situation, first of all, get rid of the email tracker. You don’t need that. That’s just giving you like pointless information that that’s not telling you anything meaningful. Like you don’t need to know, oh, she opened the email on Thursday night, but you know she hasn’t even bothered to respond to use and that’s just going to create a story in your mind and you’re basically setting her up to fail. You’re setting her up to to come out as some sort of uncaring person when you’re using the email tracker. So I would get rid of the email tracker and I would also stop keeping score over. You know how often she likes photos of yours on facebook, whether it’s been since November or whatever. Right. I would, I would stop keeping score that you can go back and listen to our relationship and our game experience episode on keeping score.

If you want a refresher on that, but I would stop doing that now. Instead, focus solely on, okay, where are things emotionally right now? You know, you’ve texted her. She has not responded clearly. Something is not working. Maybe it could be related to how you’re bringing yourself to the interaction. If that’s the case then change it. Maybe it could be related to the circumstances that she’s in. You know, maybe she went traveling for August and she just got back and she hasn’t had the time to get her life back on track yet. You know, she has to catch up with all her bills and she has like a month was the mail to go through and, and you know, she has to pay her rent and she’s got all this new laundry she needs to do and she has an empty refrigerator. She needs to go shopping and fill out that stuff up.

And you know, on top of that there’s like all these people that are like, hey, how was your trip to such and such a place? And all that stuff. Just needs to get all of that stuff taken care of. And you’re just another one of those people pestering her, right? If that’s the case, then give her a little bit of time. Right. How would you feel if you were in that situation where you stepped away from your life for a month and then suddenly you step back and you had to just sort of put your whole life back together again? You might need a little bit of time, in which case, hey, that’s okay. Give her a couple of days or maybe a week or something and then check back in. See say something like, Hey, I remember we made some plans to get together for a Brunch, um, at the end of August or beginning of September.

Just wanting to follow up on that. Are you free on De de, De, De, De, De, De, De, De, De, de, de de place. And get something to eat. Just something as simple as that. You don’t have to have an email track or to keep score and to set her up to fail. You don’t need to, you know, be overly obsessed with facebook likes or anything like that. Just just ask for what you want, you don’t need to play these mind games, you don’t need to play these a hidden agenda kind of things. You don’t need to keep score or anything like that. Just simply asked for what you want and use whatever response you get from that as feedback to say, hey, this is working, or no, I need to change my approach. Okay, so I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Our next question is from PA, PA says, Hi Clay. My ex broke up with me five months ago. I started ESP mid June. I made a limited no contact and progressed with advanced relational skills since the time felt right. I initiated contact more often with him while he was abroad for a month. Those last weeks we’ve been talking regularly. I felt that he was curious about me. He was more involved in the interaction and shared more than ever before. I thought progress was happening. I felt like his behavior was leading me on. It was still really nice to talk with him until Wednesday or until he came back from his one month trip. He then got colder again Friday. I could have met up with a friend, but they finally didn’t let me join them. I asked my friend about what happened Friday night and he told me that my ex was not comfortable seeing me and my ex said that we were back on talking terms and then my ex said that he was okay exchanging news but didn’t want it to become daily and that he felt that I really wanted more and so he doesn’t know how to react and that he doesn’t want to lead me on wondering if he should completely cut contact but doesn’t want to really do it either that he felt my changes, but said it doesn’t matter considering that he might be at riding a dragon.

I hope you can confirm this. Should I go back to anc for some time and try to rebuild the connection a later to soften up a bit? his fear of my agenda or is it something else that I should do or tell him? I now realized that I really wanted to go to quickly hoping for the daily communication, but it was definitely too soon, I think since it was not an absolute no contact since we occasionally talked on whatsapp group and that he could have some news from me there. It didn’t feel like a big deal going back to texting. Meanwhile he was really responding, showing me interest and sending me pictures, vocals and sharing subtle references to our memories. Even initiated once for the second time in five months. I hope all of these were really good signs and then I didn’t make up all of the progress I thought that I was seeing.

It is a hard setback. Thank you clay. Okay, so the question is, I’m considering that he might be at riding the dragon. Should I go back to ANC for some time and try to rebuild the connection later to soften up a bit of fear for his agenda or is it something else that I should do or tell him? Okay. So, I think this is really just a trust issue. It seems that he was pretty open to interacting with you, but he was, well, he was traveling overseas and that could potentially be because of the emotional distance of being far away and knowing that, hey, you know, I’m, I’m on this vacation, this trip, this whatever, for I don’t know, a month and I don’t have to actually deal with my real life because I’m, I don’t know, cavorting through Europe or something like that.

But then once you come back into your real life, it’s like, oh, okay, this, this person who had been texting with sharing pictures with and all that stuff. Suddenly they want to meet up. They want to flirt with me. They want to do all these other things with me, and then it can suddenly become real. Right? And so if he is emotionally unavailable, which he may or may not be, that could potentially scare him off, which could inspire him to say all of these things. Clearly he was open to interacting with you until the end of his travels and then suddenly all of these things became a big deal. So it could be an emotional unavailability issue going on there, but, but really beneath it all, it’s really about trust. I think that he felt comfortable interacting with you potentially because of an emotional unavailability thing, but also because of trust as well too.

You know, he had a good time interacting with you, but now he’s starting to doubt your intentions. He’s starting to wonder what’s really going on. you know, now that, that protection of him being out of the country, him traveling and all of that stuff is gone. That kept you at a distance. He doesn’t have that protection any longer. And so he, he’s starting to feel that there might be some sort of hidden agenda or something like that. And so, like we’ve talked about in several of the earlier questions, it really is about trust. It really is about rebuilding that trust between you and him. So it’s going to be about consistency. It’s going to be about showing him that what you have done in terms of changing your way of being in this situation is legitimate. It’s not just a gimmick. It’s not just some sort of mind game is not just some sort of thing that you read off the.

It’s an actual real change that’s happened in your way of being. This is his self preservation mechanism coming into play, so to speak, and if you’re able to get past this, then he will trust you in a very deep kind of way. Okay, but you have to be able to show him through consistency that this is who you actually are and they’re not just trying to do something to try to win him back. Okay, so I hope this helps you out, PA, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. From here, our next question is from Goodman. Goodman says, hi clay. I got my first meet up with my ex a week ago before my trip to Asia. Hello from my home city in north China. We had brunch together and it went okay. I think it went okay, but most of the topics were very much surface level talk and we couldn’t go very deep.

I did joke a bit to help relax the mood. In the end, we hugged for about 20 seconds before we parted ways. I said, let’s get together in a few weeks. I could sense a bit of her reactance as she was reluctant. Although she didn’t say no. She said that she’d be very busy in the next, a new semester. I said, okay. I probably would be busy next few months because of the company move as well. Let’s just see when it can work out. I sent her an email this past Thursday just with some scenic pictures. I put in the end a few sentences hoping that it would help her stay at ease. I said, quote, I’m glad we could put things behind us and interact with each as to new people and stay in each other’s lives and quote, not sure if it would increase her reactants and I haven’t heard from her sense for three days.

My plan is to give a bit of space and I couldn’t hear from her this week and then reach out any suggestions? Okay, good. So in the future when you are interacting with her, you really can’t keep it at a superficial level. You really can’t do this. This is the kiss of death for interactions and meet ups. You know, where it’s just talking about, I dunno, the weather coworkers, sports tv shows, gossip, people that, you know, uh, things that happened in the past, stuff like that. Like you, you gotta take it to the emotional level. I know it can be scary. I know it can be risky to say things to put yourself out there to say, hey, I was really excited when this happened. Or Hey, I was kind of afraid when that happened. Have you ever felt the same way or something like that.

I know it can be a little bit difficult, but you gotta do it. If you don’t do it, you’re gonna leave the interactions, plastic and flat and one dimensional and she’s gonna look at it as some sort of thing that she just kind of white knuckled it through. It’s not going to be enjoyable and she’s not going to want to do it again. Right. So Jay just as like a side story. Okay. When I was at university I was like, in my early twenties I was taking the bus home from the city where the school is to my mom’s house in the suburbs for the weekend and I was riding the bus and there was this young woman attractive sitting across from me on the bus and there was this guy, so he next raise know, I don’t know, some kind of like guy who’s just trying to hit on her.

He just kept trying to ask her questions like, oh, hey, do you like, what do you think of the huskies sports team? What do you think of a, this thing that’s happening here? Like how, what, what are you studying? oh, that’s cool. Like, do you like, do you go to this place? Have you ever been to that place? And all that stuff. And she was really uncomfortable. She didn’t like it. She, she did not enjoy that experience. In fact, a, because I was sitting like right across from both of them, she was actually kind of looking at me making eye contact with me, like Kinda like helped me with what’s going on, who is this crazy Weirdo and um, you know, I could, all I could do is just kinda like smile back and just drug my shoulders and oh, that stuff. But if you just keep it on the surface level, you’re kind of like that guy, you’re that guy talking to that attractive woman and she is not enjoying it.

And at the end of the bus ride she’s just like desperately looking for someone else to try and bail her out of that situation. Okay. So you got to take it to an emotional level. You got to put yourself into the interaction. You got to put some skin in the game. You got to be an active part of the interaction. Not just somebody who brings up stories and mentions things and stuff like that, but somebody who actually shares their own emotional experience, hey, I felt this way when this happened. Hey, when, when you told me that it made me feel this way, hey, I heard a story about that, and you know, you got to put yourself into the interaction. If you don’t, then the other person’s not going to know where you stand and if they don’t know where you stand and you’re just somebody that brings up facts, then they’re not going to trust you.

They’re not going to have an emotional connection with you and they’re not going to trust you. And if they don’t trust you, they’re not going to want to go out of the way to interact with you again. Okay? So you have to have to have to take it down to the emotional level. Never just leave it at surface level. Okay? Never do that. So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on your status moving forward from here. Our next question is from Gigi. Gigi says last week, I may not have clarified that I do not plan on staying long distance. My plan has always been to move back to where I lived the same city as him as my business is based from there, but was waiting for some health stuff to improve. With that in mind, my return didn’t happen as quickly as I’d hoped and so after multiple times of him asking me to meet my ex has stopped really reaching out.

I feel I stopped trying recently because his lack of effort discouraged me. I fell into a slump, but I know deep down that this is the person I want to be with. We used to speak daily and he used to share his feelings. I do agree that he got frustrated with the distance. I can understand. You said he likely isn’t feeling a connection anymore. After some major self encouragement and realizing that it was best to keep trying to build a connection. I did reach out to a him this weekend. He seemed pulled back at first, but for the first time in a long while he showed curiosity to what I had a going on and some of my interests though nothing deep. It felt nice to have him invest a little bit more than usual in the conversation. I also have decided to head back to town sooner to focus on my work and we eventually see my ex.

I can’t see him right away due to working out my health stuff still, but I’m not sure he still wants to see me if I’m going back to town next month, but not sure if he still wants to see me. Should I just keep the communication going and build up to possibly meeting at some point or should I mentioned that I’ll be returning sooner and that perhaps once I’m feeling up for it we can get together. I don’t want to assume that he’d still want to visit nor frustrated him if I can’t meet right away when I return, if he doesn’t. Thanks. Okay. So if you’re going to visit, uh, the town where he lives in the town that you are intending to move to once your health issues are cleared up. I mean like, I don’t see why you wouldn’t mention that to him. Assuming you’re in a fairly regular contact with him.

I would just say, Hey, just to let you know I’m going to be visiting any town USA or any town, wherever country you live in it in a month. Uh, just wanted to let you know, like if you want to get some coffee, would be great to catch up. Something as simple as that. Like you don’t have to make a big deal about it. You don’t have to make it into this like, oh gosh, like if you really want to, we can get together, but you know, it’s okay if you’re busy. I mean I was just thinking maybe we could do like, you don’t have to make it into a big ordeal like that. Just something like, Hey, want to get together? I’m going to be in town on such and such a date. Just something as simple as that. It doesn’t have to be a big ordeal, don’t have to make it into a stressful thing.

Just just spit it out as simple as that. And if he says yes, cool. If he says no, then you know, whenever you with that. And if he just doesn’t respond to you, then you know, deal with that as well too. But, but, uh, don’t overthink it. I would definitely throw it out there and just see how he responds from there. So, Gigi, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Daniel. Daniel says, hi clay. Thanks for answering my previous question in the last RIG episode. That’s really helpful for you to point out that if I sounded scripted, it means that I’m not present. Keep going back to past history in an effort to try to sound authentic when I wasn’t. And realizing that there’s some part of me that it’s off. To follow up with an additional question.

What are some methods or ways that I can become more present on a daily basis in how I talk and to turn on the part of me that you saw as off in terms of interactions when it comes to being more present in your daily life? you know, there’s, there’s, there’s things that you can do, uh, that we, that we talk about inside the core, such as feeling into your body and all of that stuff and there are other ways that you can do that as well too. Such as, just, just being outside is a great way to do that. You know, especially in the morning when the air is fresh, when it’s a little bit cooler, it kind of wakes you up. You kind of feel that connection with nature. I mean, I guess it depends on exactly what part of the world you live in, but you know, here in the Seattle area, the air’s fairly cool right now in the morning.

And so, if you just step outside and just breathe that in, just feel the air, that, that’s a great way to do it. other things to do are to just, just throughout the day, just be present with what’s right in front of you. Whether that’s like your cup of coffee in the morning or whether that’s a your walk to work or to the bus stop or to your car or whatever, you know, what, what is it like to feel your feet as you take each step towards the bus stop towards where you worked or your car, whatever. I’m just, what is it like to just suddenly to tune out all those thoughts that you’re thinking and just be like, oh, look at that. It’s a nice sky. It’s some birds singing. There’s some leaves ruffling in the breeze or something like that. Just because what does it like to turn all of that bs off and just be present with what is actually real, what you can actually perceive right now in front of you without all the stories, without all the games, without.

Although with this, without that, without the. He said, she said without all of that stuff. Okay. And another thing that, that I’ve found particularly helpful for myself as well too, is to be very present about the words that I use when I’m talking. I’ve noticed that, that, uh, when you, when people generally use a lot of figures of speech, slang, colloquialisms and stuff like that, it generally indicates that they’re not very present and they’re just saying things to, I dunno, fill up Space, and if you are a little bit more measured in the words that you use, it causes you to be a little bit more present to how you’re thinking. The more measured you are in your words that you use, the more tuned in you are tier two words that you use in your own thought process and the more tuned in you are to your own thought process.

The more tuned in you are to where your mind is. Is your mind zoned out on something? Is your mind focused in on something else? But I would just notice what are the words that you use when you’re talking to other people? Do you say? A lot of just throwaway social jargon. Like I’m just going with the flow, easy, come easy go, you know, stuff like that. Are you actually saying things that show that you’re just putting a little bit more thought behind your words as opposed to just saying something that society is answering for you, if that makes any sense. So I would watch your words out. Get in touch with nature. I would really feel into your body. Feel into your body what your body. Have some weight, feel, what it feels like to take steps, feel what it feels like to sit fueled.

It feels like to go through your daily motions. Just tune out your thoughts from time to time and just notice what’s literally in front of you. Like what to literally in front of me is I’m just a guy sitting in a chair, sit in front of a computer talking into a microphone. that, that’s all that’s happening right now. I could tell myself some story about. I’m having a conversation with Daniel. I could tell myself a story about how there’s going to be like hundreds of people that listen to this recording. I could tell myself any number of stories, but at the end of the day, what if I actually get present? Right now, I’m just a guy sitting on a chair talking into a microphone sitting in front of a computer and that’s it. That’s it. That’s all that I am and I’m the more present I can get to that, the more present I can be in my day to day life, so I hope that helps you out, Daniel, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Okay, those have been our questions for this week. Once again, this has been quite with modern love.life. If you’ve liked the relationship in our game experience, please give us a thumbs up. Go ahead and subscribe to our channel on Youtube and subscribe to us on itunes. If that’s your preferred way of listening to us and please leave a comment down below. With that being said, once again, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life, and I hope that this has helped you improve your relationship inner game. Talking next week.

 

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