Shifting My Values And Thinking About Something New For You…

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Please watch the video above or read the blog post below…

I’ll usually share advice and strategies on most days to help you with your relationship life. 

Today Is Going To Be A Little Bit Different…

I want to get a bit more personal today and share what’s been going on in my own life.

You see, this whole global pandemic that we’ve ALL been dealing with has, of course, affected me and my daily life.

I’ve been working from home, instead of my office, for the past several weeks (in the bedroom, believe it or not…), with my wife and almost-two-year-old daughter right outside my door.

And this has changed a lot of the energy that I’ve been bringing to the Modern Love.

Yes, things can sometimes go a little slower (especially when my daughter “sneak attacks” me during the work day)…

It’s all business around here! Actually, no, we’re just watching mermaid videos.

…But this whole experience of working from home has both me and my wife shifting in what we want for ourselves and our little family once this whole pandemic is over.

In the past, I’ve gone through periods of my life where I’ve reevaluated things in a new way before, and it’s led to some incredible experiences.

Like when I decided I was going to go to grad school, and ended up moving to Phoenix (Tempe, actually), where I eventually ended up meeting my wife.

Like when I decided to start this online business back in 2009 (or when I started my YouTube channel in 2011 — please do not watch any of my old, embarrassing videos…!).

Like when my wife and I decided to start traveling the world shortly after we got married (seeing Asia and Europe together!).

Or like when we decided to start our own little family just over the past few years.

Yes, I’ve often turned my attention inward and thought about things in my life in new ways before, but…

My daughter and I on a “lunch break.”

…This Definitely FEELS Very Different!

I’m serious!

A lot of things that we never thought we’d want, are starting to really look good.

For example, we’re thinking of moving away from the city and to a nice small town somewhere, once this is all over, and just enjoying a simpler, slower paced life.

Not only that but I’ve also felt moved to help people with their relationships in a new way too.

That’s why I’ve been taking my YouTube channel MUCH more seriously over the past few months… and why I did that “Communication Clinic” online workshop back in March… and why I sent you out that survey last week to get an idea about what you most need help with in your relationship life.

But There’s Been A “Missing Piece” You’ve Been Asking For…

There’s one BIG request that you’ve been asking for help with for a while now, and I saw it plain and clear in the survey results that came in last week.

I’ve thought about this before, but I didn’t realize that it was such an important thing until recently.

And I’m considering putting something together for this.

But I’ll need your help as well to in putting this together and making sure that this is something that is exactly what you need.

Stay tuned. I’ll share with you the details soon.

But first, I just want to check in with you and see if you’re willing to have a bit of a dialogue together and go on this journey with me?

-Clay

PS: How are you handling this whole pandemic? What sorts of things are you thinking of doing once this is all behind us?

Working hard around here! Nope, were’s still watching mermaid videos.

104 Comments

  1. Nicole

    Still not clear on what the big result from the survey was?

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the comment. I’ll share more soon, if you’re interested in having a conversation about it on this blog.

      Reply
      • Andy

        I had a break up in mid October 2019. Spent the pandemic trying to get my ex back. Not looking good, I am ready to move on and learn from this experience

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Andy, thanks for commenting. What would you say is the biggest lesson you’ve learned from your breakup?

          Reply
      • Bernie

        Hi Clay,
        I sent you details of my particular situation involving an elderly parent. Is this something you will cover?
        Bernie

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Thanks for commenting Bernie. Sometimes it takes us a while to reply to emails. We’re a small company and we have 20,000 people give or take on our newsletter. So, you may need a little patience for us to get back to you.

          However, no, the big trend I saw in our survey was not about elderly parents.

          Reply
          • Caleb

            I had a malpractice case that nearly killed me in summer 2019 that resulted on double digits in surgeries, hardcore medications with side effects reminiscent of chemotherapy. Therefore I was put on strict quarantine by my surgeon about 3-4wks prior than the GenPub as I have immunodeficiency would most likely kill me……. ironically all the dside effects from the meds are what ended my relationship. I didn’t touch her sexually for months. It’s been awful being in these situations. Knowing damn well we should be together as we were great together

          • Clay Andrews

            Were all the side effects temporary? Did she know about these side effects being the result of the medication? Or did she take them personally?

      • Josh

        The biggest issue I am facing with my ex is her extreme stubbornness and these iron walls she’s put up for me. She has shown signs of being sad/depressed but still won’t give me the time of day. Shes told me we’d hang out but continues to turn me down when I ask her specifically, keeps using the virus as an excuse when she’s been going out with friends literally every day. I called her, she didn’t answer but tried to get me to talk to her through text instead, which is NOT what I want.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Thanks for commenting Josh. Yeah, it can be really frustrating when someone seems to be keeping you at a distance and you two seem to be locked in a dynamic that isn’t taking you where you want to go. The way forward is to break that cycle.

          Reply
    • Alan

      Hiya Clay, all sounds very interesting… always up for an honest dialogue 👍.

      The whole pandemic thing is still very strange, I’m lucky enough to live in a rural erea, so I’ve been enjoying some walks and bike rides… can be very quiet here.

      I’m looking forward to getting back to trying to finish my connection with my ex… getting back to nice meals, days out or just watching the telly. All this was going well before all this started.

      Take care everyone.

      Thanks Clay

      Thanks Clay

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Hey there Alan, thanks for commenting. I’m glad that you’ve been able to handle all of this about as best as you could hope to. We’re hoping to move to a more rural place once this is all over as well.

        Reply
        • Alan

          Hi Clay,

          I hope it all goes well for you and your family… no doubt you’ll miss somethings of your living life now… but you’ll gain so much more… especially your daughter.

          Thank you Clay

          Reply
          • Clay Andrews

            Yes, I certainly like spending more time with her 🙂

    • Sandra Lawrenson

      Husband left 2018 and we are getting divorced because he hooked straight up with a work colleague, He reinvented himself as young exciting guy instead of family guy, I thought the Pandemic might make him realise family is important but no nothing. Tbh too much damage gas been done.

      Reply
  2. Kristoffer Johnsen

    Hi 🙂

    Nice to hear more from your personal life to Clay :).

    Days are really tough. Corona has given a huge blow to my job. And I lost my boyfriend (first love) in the same time i lost my income…

    Im thinking of traveling when things are normal again. I want to see more places in my country Norway, and travel on more solo trips so I can find the joy in being alone again….

    Keep safe!

    Best regards
    Kristoffer

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hi Kristoff. Thanks for posting. I’m sorry that your job has been affected by Covid and that you lost your boyfriend around the same time as well. Where do you want to travel to once this is all over? I don’t really know too much about Norway.

      Reply
      • Wendy

        Hi Clay,

        You know when this pandemic first hit I had a really great attitude I was going to conquer it I was in it to win it I was doing things that people eventually found taking walks in nature keeping balance trying to keep things in perspective but the last two weeks have been really hard I live in New England the weather was really yucky and crappy and so you know dreary wet weather on top of feeling confined it just adds to it and exasperates it I’m still separated from my ex-boyfriend it’s been 10 and a half months we did have some progress and you know he’s kind of in this flea or freeze pattern I think the pandemic certainly exasperated that we were on the men’s and then this whole thing happened and he even quoted it as maybe it’s just not meant to be which I don’t believe and I don’t think he believes but yeah I think…Life can be complicated and what we’re finding in this pandemic is that it’s giving a lot of people a pause I was on pause for nine months before this raring to just start running and hitting the track and it just found my answers and way and then this happened So you know there are a few gifts that I’ve got from this a state litigation that I’m in the middle of has been put on hold and some of the drama that I did not want in my life has been put aside and you know I think the thing I’m struggling with the most is that I just feel like life is on hold I’m going through a divorce which is very amicable and friendly but you know going through a divorce during a pandemic is the most isolating experience ever all of my friends live on the West Coast my family is on the West Coast my two daughters are here but it’s just yeah so I’ve been strapping down like a strong ass woman and doing my thing but I don’t know it’s tough and anybody that says that it’s not either has a thousand and one supports is lying to themselves or just was going nonstop before and is absolutely appreciating this pause that this pandemics given us.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Hello Wendy, thank you for sharing your experience. I’m sorry that you feel so isolated with everything going on. I’ll admit that living n Seattle, the weather can have a big influence on me as well. My wife grew up in New England, and she says that the winters there are definitely something else…

          Reply
  3. PeterR

    Yes, Clay! ALWAYS interested in Intelligent and Transforming Dialogue that can help us with our Relationship Challenges!

    BRING IT ON!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Peter. I’ll post an update shortly with more info. I appreciate your enthusiasm.

      Reply
      • Zoë Fransen

        I’m having a really hard time since every tells me to do something different. I really want my ex back. But I’m getting really confused. I feel like everything is working against me….

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Hello Zoe, yeah, I know that there are a lot of different opinions on saving a relationship out there. That’s why I’d recommend picking one person whose advice resonates with you and following it to the tee. Then just tune out other people who give conflicting advice. Trying to combine different viewpoints can be challenging and often lead to poor results.

          Reply
  4. Liss C.

    Hi, Clay!

    I really appreciate all of your help and work. I watched all your videos, I bought all of your books and I read meticulously every email you sent.

    I’m still in this journey with my ex, it hasn’t been easy to keep going during this period of confinament, I feel hopeless some times.

    I’m definitely interested in read and learn everything that you have to say.
    I’ll be waiting for more content.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Liss, thanks for the kind words. I’m sorry that you’re feeling hopeless sometimes during these strange times we’re all living through. But hopefully things will start getting better sooner rather than later. I’ll post an update shortly…

      Reply
  5. Dee

    Sure

    Reply
  6. Jeremy Nicholls

    Hey clay, I am holding up pretty well I guess in this whole situation.
    Luckily have a job so can’t complain!
    However aside from that, I am still struggling to connect with my ex… the last time I talked to her was about was a month ago. After two weeks from that last conversation I reached out asking some opinions on things and still haven’t heard from her.
    I am tempted to contact her in two weeks to ask to pick up my belongings that she still has. I feel it’s time to get those things and also maybe a good time to show her how I am doing and move on a bit. Still want to get back together 😉

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hey Jeremy, thanks for the update. Sounds like she’s still hesitant about interacting with you. What do you think might be holding her back? If you want to get your belongings back, then by all means, I think that is a good idea.

      Reply
  7. Kaili

    Hi Clay,

    This lockdown has been difficult. I was supposed to meet up with my ex for a catch up but this has prevented it. And now, I’m not quite sure how the situation between my ex and I are either, there seems to be abit of resistance there from his side. + I don’t know if the ESP will help me with my situation / if he’s a fearful avoidant (possibly dismissive avoidant) too.

    Been having some financial difficulties as this covid19 has affected my income, and hence making it harder for me to buy ESP too.

    I look forward to your emails everyday, they give me so much hope.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Kaili, thanks for the comment. I’m sorry that this pandemic is having such a negative impact on you. What do you imagine is the cause of your ex’s resistance right now?

      Reply
      • Kaili Tan

        I’d imagine the cause for his resistance is that he has a lot of negative feelings when he thinks about us. Because he wasn’t happy in the r/s. And he hasn’t let go of his grudge / resentment yet. How do I get him to let go of it?

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Do you understand why he has a grudge or resentment?

          Reply
          • Kaili Tan

            No, I’m not exactly sure why. It could be we were fighting a lot towards the end. It could be he felt like he was giving a lot, and not taking anything either. (But when I asked what were his needs, he didn’t have an answer either)

            Fast forward now, I do realize that our different attachment styles were the causes of what happened, and we didn’t know better then. We had wounds that were being triggered but we didn’t know they were there. Now that I do know, I have no idea how to get him to realize on these too, and for him to improve on himself either.

          • Clay Andrews

            First and foremost, have you resolved what was causing you to contribute to the fighting dynamic? If not, then this is the first place to start.

          • Kaili

            I’m not sure why I’m unable to reply to your comment. Yes I have – cause I was insecure & needy, and I didn’t know how to self regulate. So I’ve been reading up and practicing self regulating my emotions, and understanding about my atttachment style & my triggers and to learn how to navigate around being triggered.

          • Clay Andrews

            That’s great you’ve been putting in work like that. How has that been going for you?

          • Kaili

            It’s ok. I’m able to understand why I was being triggered. And his triggers as well. But.. I don’t know if that’s enough to make him want to try it again with me. Or to show him that it’ll be a different relationship. He himself have also said that I feel like a totally different person now, with no temper & other changes to my life.

          • Clay Andrews

            Demonstrating change is a good start. After that you also need to have positive interactions and also navigate any practical obstacles that might stand between the two of you.

          • Kaili Tan

            Do you have any suggestions on how I can have positive interactions with him with a lockdown? In my opinion, we have not have enough to proceed to even a phone call or a video call. But we have been gaming online together, if that’s anything. But to me that’s scratching the surface too. And with this lockdown, there isn’t really anything to talk about either.. 🙁

  8. Yara

    I haven’t really had a pandemic or lockdown I been working all this time and here in this town where I live there r only 2 cases or where since that was some months ago. I am interested please send me more details

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Yara, thanks for commenting. I’m glad that you and your town haven’t been affected much by this situation. I’ll share more info soon…

      Reply
  9. Nat

    Hi Clay, would be interested in having a conversation… I’m having good days and bad days but ultimately I know that I want to get back together with my ex. We broke up a week before the pandemic hit our city.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Nat, I hear you. Yes, this whole situation is having a big affect on people’s emotions. I’m sorry that your breakup was so close to everything closing down. Hope you’re holding up well today.

      Reply
  10. Cooper

    Hey Clay, I always look forward to the things you are working on. Your videos have been a help to me during this rough time! About me real quick:

    My ex lost her Mom right before the pandemic hit (after losing her Dad the year before) and said she needed to time to heal and couldn’t handle being in the relationship at that point. I didn’t beg but made it clear that I wanted to help her through things any way I could. She told me I did nothing wrong and she Loved me but just couldn’t give what she didn’t have right now (emotions). She is also a nurse on the front lines and I’ve checked in with her to make sure she’s okay but barely get responses ( just couple word texts like “I’m okay Thanks”).

    I sent her flowers on Mother’s Day to which she thanked me and said they were beautiful (via text). She sent me a birthday card last week in the mail but has not responded to my thank you.

    There is never a good time for all this & I know I’m not unique, that’s why your videos help like they do. Just losing my job and being confined has this pandemic taking an extra toll on it all. I feel I lost her forever and like Liss, I feel Helpless.

    Sorry to go on but it’s just nice to talk to people even if it’s virtual.Thanks again for caring about all of us and doing what you do!

    Best,
    Cooper

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Cooper, thanks for sharing your experience. Yeah, I can only imagine that it must be hard not having many people to talk to during these crazy times. The lockdowns are really wearing on people, and I think we’re all hopeful that things will get better as the weather improves. Sounds like you may need to cut down the emotional level a bit more with your ex to engage her more fully, by the way.

      Reply
      • Cooper

        I appreciate your wisdom Clay I will definitely try and work on that. Your guidance means a lot to all of us! Thank You :0)

        Reply
  11. Gabe

    Hey clay, so my ex gave us another chance and then after 5 days called it off and said her heart isn’t in it and she can’t fake being happy, a few days after she said she no longer believes in monogamous relationships and thinks we should each just be free to do what we want, now I want her in my life and am willing to try something new out. Could she just be testing me or is it wise for me to try this?

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      What happened during those 5 days? I might be Riding the Dragon.

      Reply
      • Gabe

        Everything went well, I did tell her I’d like her to delete the bootycalls and I think that might’ve triggered something, she told me she still sees me as the same controlling, jealous guy as before and that image of me is imbedded in her head. Even though she see’s some changes to the way I am, she’s having trouble believing it. We do have a child together and she has had me staying the night just about every night… mind you when we were together in the beginning I brought up fantasies that may have been putting this decision of non monogamy in her mind. But I’m willing to take a relationship with her wherever she would like it to go, should I remain consistent on being ok with whatever she wants to do as I am sincere about it, or should I go another route?

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          You may just need to give her time to see that the changes you’ve made are the real deal. Consistency is key. However, there may come a time when you need to press her to play her hand.

          Reply
          • Gabe

            Thank you for your responses And yes I’ll just be consistent with what I’m doing… and what do you mean by pressing her to play her hand?

          • Clay Andrews

            The last thing I want for any client is for them to be stuck in a dynamic that isn’t getting their needs met, so if you do find yourself stuck, then it becomes necessary to push things in a strategic way that will force her to choose to either move closer to you or reveal that she has no intention of getting closer to you.

  12. Kris Craig

    Thanks for reaching out Clay. Yes, i’m interested in learning from you and others. Count me in! I’m sort of an old timer following your videos and the ESP (19 mo since break up). Was planning to give up once and for all until your post last Thursday. You addressed the idea of continuing to try with your ex. I’m looking forward with positivity and a willingness to continue to learn and grow! Whether it’s with him or someone in my future. Please keep us posted.

    Reply
  13. Niki

    Hello Clay! Pandemic was a real struggle. Especially for my ex because he works in police. I have comment again with the 2 months short term relationship in your youtube channel. We have been texting with my ex for 3 months straight and I am the one who always initiating contact but he always answers. Our conversation is neutral. It doesn’t seem to getting nowhere and he doesn’t seem interested in me and he doesn’t chase me. Should I give up or go no contact for good? When we speak positive, after some days his reactance goes higher again. I feel that’s is impossible to be together again..

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hey Niki, thanks for commenting. I would first start by looking at why you aren’t connecting beyond a surface level.

      Reply
      • Niki

        Maybe because 3 months have passed since our breakup and maybe because we were together only for 2 months so we didn’t have the chance to get to know eachother good. I don’t know how to connect with him. My hope is lost. I don’t how to progress with him.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Just because the two of you didn’t know each other well before the breakup, doesn’t mean that you can’t connect emotionally now.

          Reply
          • Niki

            Yeah I know. Maybe I am really scared that he will reject me again so I try to stop quick the conversation and I am always afraid that he will not reply. And I believe he thinks that I am too available to him. Can I change that? Thanks for your replies. Your daughter is adorable 😍

          • Clay Andrews

            Yeah, of course you can change that, but it may require you to step out of your comfort zone a bit.

          • Niki

            But how? From the half of our relationship he started to take me as granted and available always to him. And especially now that we speak for 3 months and always I text him first. I think I look desperate to him. *Clay I can’t thank you enough for all your replies!!

  14. Jeremy

    Also I am in riding the dragon but still I seem to not be able to connect and trigger her to reach out to me. It is so painful and hard to not get why we cannot connect.
    What am I doing wrong? Why am I not able to start any types of conversations with my ex?

    Reply
  15. Ces

    Hi Clay! Thanks for all you do and keeping us in the loop on your own life. Your daughter is adorable!!
    I was doing better and on the verge of getting a new job but it was frozen due to the ‘situation’ so now I’m at this quandary in life. I’ve made some strides with my ex (been broken up a long time but we’re still somehow connected) but her hot & cold fronts are taking a toll on my anxiety levels.
    Luckily I live on the coast of N CA so I get out walking dogs & beach a lot.
    Thank u Clay!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Ces, thanks for the comment. And yes, I think she is adorable too (though I may be a bit biased…). Sorry to hear about the hot and cold behavior from your ex, but I think if you focus on understanding where she is emotionally, then you’ll have a better time getting through to her. Hope you enjoy your walks on the coast. I’ve wanted to live on the California coast for a very long time…

      Reply
  16. Dom

    Hi Clay,

    Although still working on building a deeper connection with my ex, we are back in contact after a long absence from each other’s lives, trying to make the most of the new opportunities a renewed friendship presents. That’s not to say it has been easy though.

    Your emails and on-line content has given me a lot to reflect on over the last year, finding it so helpful both in my thinking, my own personal development and how I relate to my ex, so appreciative of the support it (you) has provided and looking forward to hearing about the new ideas you have?

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks so much for your feedback, Dom. I’m glad what you learned from us has helped you connect with your ex again.

      Reply
  17. Travis

    Wasn’t really affected by Covid. This week is a year since my break-up. We were texting every couple weeks and met up a couple times. Says she’s never stopped loving me and all sorts of confusing stuff. Even asked if i had sold her ring…now, haven’t heard from her in a month and feeling hopeless. Anyway, i enjoy your approach. I’ll be here!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for commenting Travis, is there a particular reason you haven’t heard from her? Or a reason you haven’t contacted her yourself in a month?

      Reply
      • Travis

        The last couple times I’ve contacted her she has seemed to busy to chat. I don’t want to keep bugging her.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          So did you just back away and give her space?

          Reply
          • Travis

            I guess you could say that. We’ve had a discussion about where we’re at, and she said back in December that she can’t be with me because of trust regarding my drinking, but that “she’s not saying it can’t happen in the future”. We are not FB friends or anything so I don’t know what she’s doing or anything. So yes, I am just letting her come to me.

          • Clay Andrews

            Has there been progress with the trust and drinking issues?

          • Travis

            She knows I’ve made progress with the drinking, but still doesn’t trust it to stay that way, I think. Also, in my opinion, she is having to stick with the breakup. We’ve broke up before over six years, but this time we were engaged and owned a home, and dog, etc. so it was a much bigger deal and can’t just be “reversed”. Her family is also very hard to deal with and she would have to date me again for at least 3 months before she could even tell them, if that makes sense.

          • Clay Andrews

            Yeah, it sounds like she may feel the need to act with consistency with her previous actions. That makes things more difficult, but not impossible.

  18. Oriana

    When the pandemic started my ex broke up with me and i watched your Videos, used your advice and got back together with him one month later:)

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      That’s great to hear Oriana! Hope you are enjoying your new relationship 🙂

      Reply
  19. Jackie

    Hi Clay,

    Thanks for opening up a dialogue. Strangely, the pandemic hasn’t changed much in my life or my ex’s life. We both work in “essential” fields and so our jobs haven’t changed at all. We are both homebodies. He plays video games every day after work and on weekends, and so that hasn’t changed for him. Though I’m currently missing hanging out with my friends occasionally.

    I had hoped that he and I might connect more during this pandemic. Before the pandemic, he saw me twice. Once we got ice cream, and that was the first time seeing each other in almost three months since breaking up. The second time was to workout. I never mentioned wanting him back in those two meetings.

    But I had confided in his best friend how I really felt, and unfortunately that friend took it upon himself to tell my ex that I wanted him back. My ex proceeded to tell the friend that he was never getting back together with me, and he relayed the message back to me.

    I’ve been following your videos for quite some time. And I also signed up for Connect and Commit. So I backed off a little so that he wouldn’t feel pressured. In the meantime, I bought a house and have been renovating it. I used the house as an excuse to ask my ex for help. He reluctantly agreed to come over. But once he was there, the chemistry was intense. We ended up cuddling and he tried to take it further, but hesitated because he hadn’t taken me on a date. I asked him if he wanted to take me on one, and he frowned and said that he enjoyed “this” (being there, cuddling) but that he really loved being single. He said it wasn’t because he wanted to sleep with others, but because he just liked to be able to stay up playing video games and do whatever he liked.

    I took that moment to apologize for things that I felt accountable for during the relationship. Such as being too clingy. I told him I had done a lot of work on myself, which I hope he had noticed (it had been 5 months since we broke up). And I said I would be open to starting our relationship over if he was interested. He responded that “IF, and I mean IF, we got back together things would need to be a lot different.” I told him I agreed, but that he didn’t need to give me an answer right then. I just wanted him to know how I felt and that we could have a larger discussion about it if he was interested. He said “thank you for that” and gave me a big kiss. It seemed like he was really relieved I wasn’t going to pressure him. We were then physically intimate. And I thought we really connected that night. But then he went MIA for two weeks.

    I gave him space again, but I tried another time to get his help at my house. He agreed, and we barely even worked on the house. Maybe twenty minutes. The rest of the time was spent cuddling on the couch, having pizza, watching a movie, and laughing the whole night over drinks. It felt like old times. He stayed for 7.5 hours and even blew off a friend who had wanted to play a video game with him that night. The whole night felt amazing. But our feelings for one another never came up. However, he did talk about how *physically* attracted he was to me, but the way he said it gave the impression that he lacked emotional attraction.

    That night, we made loose plans for the near future, but never settled on an exact date. I felt like we had an amazing night. But then once again, he has gone MIA. … Then his friend calls me out of the blue and proceeds to tell me how he ran into my ex’s mother, and they somehow had a conversation about my ex and I. She informed the friend that she had asked my ex if he was coming to my house to work things out with me, and my ex told her that he was never getting back together with me. That he only went to my house to help because he felt sorry for me!? This conversation between the friend and my ex’s mom took place in between our two hangouts at my house. When I told the friend that I just saw my ex again, he then told me “sorry, I wouldn’t have told you this if I knew that.” And then he ended our call.

    Then I asked my ex this past weekend if he wanted to hang out and he turned me down saying “maybe later”. He then left an unrelated message I sent him (about one of his hobbies) on read. I’m feeling so confused on what to think about this. Every time we have a good time together, my ex suddenly goes silent for two-three weeks and won’t text me. And he’s also apparently telling his friends and family that he has zero intentions of getting back together with me.

    I don’t know how to proceed. Is my ex just coming over to hang out and sleep with me? Or is he riding the dragon? Why did he tell me “IF we get back together, things need to change” while he’s also telling everyone else that he never wants to be with me again. Was he just giving me a little false hope when he said “if” rather than telling me it’s never going to happen? How do I get him to feel a deeper emotional connection when he refuses to text/call, and he only says yes to seeing me in person once a month?

    When we’re together in person, we laugh and have fun, and he won’t stop holding me. It’s clear he enjoys the physical connection, but how do I get him back to an emotional connection? We used to be able to talk, and now he said won’t ever start or engage in a real conversation.

    I appreciate your help and your time. I would definitely buy the Advanced Relational Skills program if I had the funds, but I opted for the Connect and Commit instead as it was all I could afford. Unfortunately, I think I’m missing something because I feel very stuck with my ex. And I’m getting frustrated not knowing how he truly feels and whether I’m just wasting my time. I’ve turned down several dates with other men because I really want to work things out with my ex. It’s been six months now, but I’ve hit a wall.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hi Jackie, thanks for commenting, that’s quite a story you’ve shared there! Anyway, from what I’m reading, it sounds like the two of you could benefit from a more balanced dynamic. Right now, I get the impression that you are essentially giving him all the power to decide right now, and that may cause him to not see you as an equal that he would want to have a relationship with. I would balance that out and of course work on communication between the two of you to move forward.

      Reply
      • Jackie

        Thanks for the response Clay! I completely agree that he has all the power. Do you have any suggestions on how to shift it to be more equal?

        A big problem in our relationship, which he didn’t inform me of until after he broke up with me, is that he felt overwhelmed. He’s super introverted and I was his first girlfriend. He says he actually hates texting and that our routine of seeing each other once a week was a lot for him. So now I worry about texting him too often or pressuring him to hang out too much. I want to be conscious of his needs, but I’m not sure how to get him to care about mine (the number one being communication because I’m in the dark).

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          What’s stopping you right now from just taking on the stance that the two of you are equal currently?

          Reply
  20. Ken

    Hi Clay, my ex broke up with me about a month ago because I wasn’t there for her physically and emotionally, I neglected her and she felt unwanted and that she wasn’t a priority in my life, I ignored her feelings and complains sometimes then she decided to end it, we are in a LDR, I begged and pleaded which obviously doesn’t work then I stopped begging, I showed up where she lives in Texas and she accepted to see me and went out with me, we talked about everything I asked her to stay open to possibilities of us working things out but that I wasn’t trying to force her to change her mind because she said it took her about 4 months or so to get to the decision to break up with me and 2 weeks or a month wasn’t goin to change her mind. So instead of giving her space, I decided to start being there for her, showing her ice changed from what I use to be, caring for her more consistently, she picks up when I call and she responds to my text messages, but her text messages are either cold or straight to the point. At times she will explain things in details when it’s not something emotional. And when she says she will get back to me of course she doesn’t get back to me. How do you think I can proceed , is no contact a good idea in this situation given that I wasn’t even there and she is already use to living without me, or should I keep on with showing her that I’ve changed and keep trying to build attraction level back up? Because she said she doesn’t see me the same way she use to look at me before meaning her attraction level has dropped. What can I do?

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      No Contact and building attraction are probably not what she needs right now. She needs consistency to build trust with you. No Contact isn’t going to do that. And attraction isn’t necessary, generally speaking. But what you do want to do is to focus on your communication and improving that with her.

      Reply
  21. Natasha

    Hi Clay
    Thank you so much for your help and dedication to always putting out new material and answering people’s questions. I’m curious if you can speak to something about the psychology of and how to approach when a bf breaks up with you saying he simply “lost interest” and “had a change of heart” after 6 months, and the relationship was generally good and without conflict? I’ve considered perhaps stresses around the pandemic may play a role as his parents both passed away in rather tragic circumstances. More curious though is that he texts all day long with me every day And we still seem to have great banter and chemistry. He obviously enjoys my company, and my appearance has changed much since we first met. He will not speak on the phone or hang out in person and seems to have anxiety around anything that might lead back to a relationship. I don’t understand, especially as he is still flirty with me (In a teasing antagonistic way rather than overtly sexual or suggestive).

    Reply
    • Natasha

      Correction: I meant to say my appearance HASNT changed much since we met. However I will note that his values and approach to the relationship and sex especially did change very suddenly and in a big way about a month or two prior to the breakup. He acknowledges this but can’t provide any insight. We tried some cuckolding type stuff as we both have some experience with it in prior relationships, him a bit less than myself though. And his sudden shift Was in the way of a much more inhibited version of himself both with regard to me and sex as well as just his personal preferences when it’s just the two of us being intimate. It’s like his propensity for kink just suddenly turned off without explanation and he was starting to become more distant at times, while at others getting along with me great.

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Was he into it himself? Or was he just going along with it because he thought it’s what you wanted?

        Reply
        • Natasha

          Thanks for responding Clay! Yes he was definitely into it himself. He had encouraged a previous gf to try it with him and they did it once, but she wasn’t as immediately excited to do it. I was in a previous relationship wherein that became common place so I came into this relationship excited to go for it, and was eager however i was willing to go at my partners pace and not rush into it. When he decided at one point he wanted to take that off the table for a bit and just be monogamous I was understanding and went along with it. However I’ll admit was a little bit persistent in wanting him to communicate with me what his sudden shift in interests was, and he couldn’t seem to articulate what had been on his mind lately or the culprit to explain his shift in interest about that.

          Reply
          • Clay Andrews

            I think that his “change of heart” has a lot more to do with what happened than any kink.

    • Clay Andrews

      Sounds like he has definitely not lost interest in you. What do you think has changed in the past 6 months for him?

      Reply
      • Natasha

        I’m not sure exactly. The only things I can come up with is that around the same time he decided he decided he wasn’t as “invested” in the relationship as I was and had a “change of heart” was when I started to be more revealing of my feelings for him, and he said that “he’s not sure he is feeling the way he should be feeling”. I told him that didn’t bother me, as I understand people all go at their own pace with these things, but he said it didn’t feel right to him to do that to me. He also was experiencing a lot of anxiety around the pandemic and not wanting to go out or to even be around me as much as he has it in his head that he is going to be one of the rare cases of people under 40 who will get severely ill, despite that he has no underlying condition to suggest that would be the case. He broke it off with me literally the 2nd day that quarantine was in place. His mothers death anniversary had also just passed two days prior. He is very insistent that, almost in a way that seems like he really wants it to be clear to me, that we are just not a possibility because his feelings changed, albeit without any explanation as to why really.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Okay, there is definitely a lot to unpack here. And I don’t think that we can really isolate what is going on through blog comments, but any one of these factors may potentially be what is truly driving his emotional world.

          Reply
      • Natasha

        Update: he did mention to me today that he sometimes felt like he wasn’t being heard and like I thought I knew what was better for him more than he did. That resonates with me. However it’s not that I ever thought that. It’s rather that I would try to get him to articulate what was bothering him and he would always say he didn’t know. Rather than talk it out with me he just expected that it should work itself out as it shouldn’t require so much work which led him to feel like it wasn’t a good fit. Reminds me of some things you mentioned in a video about grass is greener syndrome. How would you suggest navigating around this? I told him I was sorry if he felt like he was trying to communicate with me and I had was unable to hear it in a way that would better help me to understand his concerns. But where to go from here is a bit trickier.

        Reply
  22. Jeff

    Hope is all i have as we’re still communicating over texts msgs, i want to make our relation right before the Pandemic ends, and travel straight to her as the Pandemic ends!

    Reply
  23. Jeffrey

    Hope is all i have and absolutely need your help, we still keeps contact over msgs,. I want to make things right before the Pandemic ends so that i can travel to her as soon as the Pandemic ends.

    Reply
  24. Jeffr

    Hope is all i have and really need your help Sir, we still keeps in contact over msgs. I would definitely like to make our relation good before the Pandemic Ends so that i can travel to her as soon as the Pandemic ends, I can’t wait for that.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      What do you think is the main thing keeping the two of you from getting back together right now?

      Reply
      • Jeffr

        Maybe i sometimes don’t get upto her level of funs and craziness, she’s still young and damn care type of girl and very stubborn. We still keeps in contact over a msg only, she have blocked me in calls and other means. And sometimes she ignores my msgs and at times she keeps replying continuosly. When i feel that things are gonna be okay, she usually says I don’t love you anymore!i just need a chance from her to get to her as soon as the pandemic ends, because i believe once we meet up things will get better! Please i need your advice, thanks once again

        Reply
      • Jeffr

        Sir, one more thing which i think is the problem is our current pandemic. Because before this pandemic starts she goes for her normal training for work, and keeps proper msgs and calls and even invited me to visit her. But gradually things have changed, I’m afraid it’ll end like this.

        Reply
  25. Daniel

    Thanks for helping me get to 26 days positive thinking no contact.
    My very first.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      26 days is a good achievement. Great job! How are you feeling?

      Reply
  26. Els

    Hello Clay, my response to the questions above is this :
    – during the months of the pandemic, I have made some changes in my life – for instance, I have started to call him myself now and then, I have suggested to go out for walks several times now – and I intend to continue to make these changes;
    – I also want to improve my interactions further and, of course the connection with my ex(-husband); I feel like he has been more considerate and careful lately than before.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Sounds like you’re making some good progress during these crazy times. I’m glad you’re making the most of it.

      Reply
  27. Caleb

    Hi Clay I am the guy above with the malpractice issue. There was no visible reply button on ours…… anyway. Yes it was temporary. She broke up with me right before it was going to end. (However it would probably take another couple months for the meds to leave my bloodstream). She knew about it slightly. But I didn’t even know about it at first until it began happening. She thought for a while that I was not attracted to her. Then i was so intent on trying to make up for this, that I would go overboard in trying by just sending text messages to her all the time that were so overboard. Eventually it started to make her feel weird. And then she did the typical “lose attraction ” for me. I said so if I wcr never on the meds we would still be together. And that’s just wrong…. her response was, if I had come to her and communicate what was going on, then she wouldn’t have had all her bad and sad feelings pulling up. I got that. …. we never really fought. We got along fantastic when we were good. She told me she loved me first. So she wanted to stay friends, and I didn’t agree at first, but a few days later did… she has done several things in helping me that were so above and beyond what a normal friend would do. Things that she wouldn’t have done for any body else. But still has never given us another chance. I know if she did, we’d be great. We always were.

    Reply
  28. Pt

    Keen to learn more, so please work that Big request! Ex went into a rebound and now out of it, she says, without disclosing details. She’s been quiet, unresponsive to my texts and emails since she mentioned that, gave her near a week of space then initiated contact yesterday and she answered, albeit tersely. Initiated again today and she was a little more open, but then stopped responding. I don’t wanna come on too heavy and chase her away. How to pace this best? Feel like I should give her some more time/space. Am trying to keep the ESP ideas in mind, hard to know what Ex is feeling right now after her most recent relationship status change and don’t think I want to ask about that.

    Reply

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