Would You Help Me Out? (I Need Your Feedback)

by | 130 comments

Note: In case you’re wondering, this is a followup to this post that I made a few days ago, which, by the way, received a bigger response than I would have imagined!

If you can’t watch this video right now, you can read the blog post below.

Okay, so I’m sorry for leaving you hanging with that last post.

Maybe all this time spent “social distancing” is starting to get to me as well, too.

Anyway…

I’ve Been Feeling Hesitant To Talk To You About Something, But I Think It’s Time We Had A Little Conversation Here…

As you may or may not know, this whole relationship advice thing, that I’ve been doing since 2009, has really been an incredible experience.

I’ve been blessed to help countless people get the loving relationships that they want and transform the direction that their life takes in a major way.

You see, it’s easy to get caught in the details of text messages, emails, and helping a client figure out what the next moves might be…

…But when you get an update from someone you worked with months or years later… only to find out that they got married to the person they used to call their ex (or that they are having kids together…!), it really makes you stop and take a new perspective.

I’ve even had people, who, after getting back together with their exes, have promised to invite me to their weddings…!

A photo from a client’s wedding day last year.

They look great, but when we were working together, communication and working cooperatively were major concerns that she had with him.

So, Here’s What I’ve Been Holding Out On…

You see, it’s nice to get success stories like that from clients.

But I’ve noticed that there are more than a few people who may not see a clear path to get there with the person they love.

They’re stuck in truly difficult and challenging situations. Situations that desperately need better communication.

Situations such as:

  • Their ex being particularly stubborn
  • Their ex pulling back sharply whenever they get too close
  • Their ex being extremely closed minded
  • Their ex avoiding talking about important topics
  • Their ex insisting that they just want to be friends or that there are no feelings
  • Or their ex keeping them stuck in an unending cycle that isn’t very fulfilling and never seems to end

To put it plainly, these aren’t just simple cut and dry situations.

These are intense and high-stakes situations that require a certain level of advanced communication.

And people have asked me for help dealing with these particularly difficult or challenging scenarios.

Another client in my group coaching program who got back together with her ex right before they had to go into lockdown because of the pandemic.

Things were definitely rocky and tense for her at one point, but because of stronger communication they’ve spent the past few weeks together.

For A Long Time, I’ve Resisted Teaching This

I’ve made the usual excuses like, “I don’t have enough time” or “I’m too busy with the current clients I already have.”

But, really, I didn’t think that people (outside of a small handful of people in unique situations) would need help with high-stakes communication.

…At least, until I saw your survey responses last week.

And, of course, I can be a bit obsessive about projects when I start them.

I’m old enough to know that I’m unlikely to fix this personality trait any time soon.

…So, I’m Trying To Learn From The Past

Back when I first sat down and brainstormed the Ex Solution Program in a little pub in Portland, Oregon back in 2011, I had a lot of doubts.

I wondered if it would really help people, since every relationship and situation is unique.

But it did help people and I received countless touching success stories since then.

It would have been small minded of me to NOT to create the Ex Solution Program.

And I’m beginning to think that it may be small minded of me to hold back on sharing what I know about high stakes communication for particularly tricky situations.

So, I Am THINKING About Doing This

Despite my concerns and hesitancy, I am seriously considering putting something together to help people improve communication and getting through to stubborn or difficult people (such as their ex).

If I Do This, It Will Be A Lot Of Work

I would be excited to share this with you, but I also know that my projects can get out of hand and consume a lot of time.

So, I only want to do this if there is enough interest.

So, I would like to know…

  • What do you think?
  • Should I do this?
  • Would you be interested?

I’m not asking for any kind of commitment right now. I just want to know if there’s any interest.

I don’t even want to think about taking on this task unless there is enough interest.

** So, if you would please take a moment and leave a comment letting me know what you think about this.

It would mean a lot to me and I’ll do my best to respond to as many comments as I can.

130 Comments

  1. Liss C.

    Hi Clay!

    I think that this is a very interesting and important topic for many of us in this journey. Actually right now my ex is pulling away so hard after we had this very powerful conversation about what went wrong and how we care so much about each other, that I get scared that he might pull away for good because of his fears about me.

    Also I think that this post didn´t get to us as intented, I saw it by coincidence while I was reading something about your clients experiences but didn´t get a link to it from an email. Hope you could check that out because I think thats why I´m the first one commenting on this one.

    I will be paying attention to the results on this. Wishing you all the best in this new project.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the comment. I published this post yesterday, though the email notification for it didn’t go out until this morning.

      Reply
      • Rosa

        Hai Clay. I always find your program, much more believable coz it were very close to the reality (mine at least). However, there is 1 thing that I can’t find anywhere online. You see, after broke up, I try to be friend with my ex while keeping my composure (since he already dating someone else). I would say that I do see some kind of hopes for us bcoz we manage to somehow maintain the good connection on emotional level (juz like during our rs) but then I decide to go into no contact (due to a few factors). What I can’t seems to find is the options of action that we can have if the other options failed. Most of the advice given are usually a 1 way street (like if you do this, it didn’t work, then it’s over). I’ve tried being friend, but it doesn’t seems to work, so I tried the no contact this time. It would be nice if I can have some kind of reassurance that my action is right, but right now I totally feel like I’m juz doing try & error thing. Hopefully in the future, you can give some advice for this kind of things. Thank you.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Is there a reason you decided to do No Contact? No Contact has it’s time and place, but if the two of you are connecting well, it can actually do more harm than good (don’t mess with what isn’t broken, if you know what I mean).

          Reply
      • Delia

        Yes please! I’d be happy to see more advice for these situations. Currently my ex won’t respond to any messages, it feels hopeless but i know I love him and I know we are meant for each other our relationship was perfect. I’d love to see you talk more about these hard situations. It’s hard to build a connection if the ex ignores you. It’s important to get through this so we can work on building connections and such.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Thanks for commenting Delia. Yes, it certainly can be frustrating when your ex doesn’t respond to you at all. There are definitely a few way to deal with situations like this. I’ll post an update on all of this shortly…

          Reply
          • Elizabeth

            Hi Clay, I have a feeling that my specific combination of issues won’t be common but you never know. My ex and I are older (almost 60), so time seems more of the essence. He is a genius (seriously), has aspergers, and is rigid in many ways. I am not a genius but can hold my own with him in many areas, do not have aspergers, and am more adaptable. We are well suited to each other in our sense of humor, interests, and preferred activities.

            During a rough patch he cheated with someone half my age and with whom he had nothing to talk about. (Given his aspergers and extremely ethical and humane character, I was stunned.) I, in turn, took my cat from him, which devastated him, but I needed to be able to visit her. He was never serious with the younger woman, as we had been, and she moved far away after three months, and he found a cat of his own.

            Now, four months later, we have begun to text and phone a bit. He wrote to support me on the year anniversary of my child’s suicide and then to ask for help with something he’s writing, both conversations that lasted multiple days.

            I would consider getting back together, but first I want to find out exactly why he treated me as he did, not breaking up with me, but cheating and refusing to discuss it. This is extremely important to me, but pursuing it would probably hurt any chances at a relationship, romantic or otherwise. I am still in love with him but want to understand. I’ve been through so much in my life and really want to learn something from all this.

            So–alternative types of minds, disparity in intelligence, stubbornness, being older, negotiating after a betrayal, having bonded during trauma (my child’s death), and just discussing what transpired between us–I would love help with communication around any of these. Thank you!

    • Libby

      I would love if you did this!
      I’m at the very beginning stage of getting back in contact with my ex after two months of anc. I know that he’s stubborn and I know that he has ALOT of fear that more time will be wasted. I feel like I might end up in a cycle with him and us not really getting anywhere. In the 4 months that we’ve been broken up he’s left the door cracked a little by saying things like we possibly could get back in the future but I don’t want to give you false hope. And saying things like I’m not wasting my time talking with him but I still feel like I’m very in the dark with how he feels. And I feel like if I asked him now that we are finally back in contact I would probably get a negative response or him telling me he’s over it.

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Hello Libby. Thanks for commenting. Yeah, the emotional connection is something that takes some time to nurture. I’ll post an update with what happens next once I can organize the next step.

        Reply
    • Ryan

      Hi Clay,

      Can you please talk about resentments in marriage? I’ve been married for 29 years and my wife left me because of too many resentments about things that were never properly communicated between us. We are separated. I’ve made all the changes she wanted to see and am being the best person I can be, but she harbors too many resentments now, says she is not in love anymore and wants a divorce. What can I do?

      Ryan

      Reply
    • Michelle

      I think it’s a great topic or program to start. My ex is a very stubborn person& her favorite cocktail so happens to be reactance. You techniques are great& have helped as we are friends now, that said she has her “cocktail” in one hand and puppet strings in another. I know if I minutely slip up I’m on silent treatment, iced out until I apologize or make a effort to show I’m at her mercy. Your techniques now work for non stubborn people. Getting through to my ex at times is like teaching a cat to be a dog… IMPOSSIBLE
      I say do it if you have a go balance of work time and family time. Kids grow up in a hurry& you can’t get those cherished days back. The should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. At any rate good luck on whatever you decide.

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Michelle, wow, did she actually say that to you? If so, it shows a severe imbalance in the dynamic between the two of you.

        Reply
  2. Jaz

    My ex currently won’t even speak to me, so I worry that it may be too late for me to save it… But I’d love to read what you suggest anyway, and see if it can get the ball rolling in the right direction.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      What do you think is keeping him from talking to you?

      Reply
  3. Chantel

    Hi Clay, there seem to be so many obstacles that get caught up in the loop and I’d love to hear about extra avenues to navigate them. Huge age difference, being in different countries. Cheating and others that really just give what was such a great relationship a hard blow. Navigating tricky situations it would be super helpful to have a more intimate look into overcoming these obstacles

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Chantel, thanks for the feedback. Yes, we could definitely address topics like those.

      Reply
  4. Veronica

    Hi Clay!
    Your channel turned a what I thought was a hopeless situation into a hopeful one and now I’m actually communicating frequently with my ex! But communication is key and that’s something I still find hard to know how to evolve so any learning in that field I would be interested in! As soon as I can afford I will do the ex solution program: -) Thanks for all the content you put out there!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Veronica. Thanks for the kind words. Yeah, communication can be very important in relationshpis.

      Reply
  5. Jackie

    Hey Clay, I’m definitely interested in such a program! In the last blog post, you told me that my ex seems to have all the power and you suggested changing that dynamic.

    Do you have any suggestions on how to reclaim power so that the dynamic is more 50/50? It saddens me to think that my attempts to make my ex comfortable actually resulted in him not seeing me as an equal anymore.

    Thanks for doing what you do!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hey Jackie, what’s causing you from assuming the position of an equal right now?

      Reply
      • Jackie

        Prior to the breakup, I was very vocal about what I wanted/expected from him. I believed in open communication. But he never told me what HE wanted from me, even when I’d ask. He’d just say okay, that I was right, he’d do better, etc. He never explained that what I was asking for was “too much”. Instead, he bottled it up and slowly began to lose feelings for me. To the point where he said he no longer loved me and broke up with me. I never saw it coming because a month before the breakup, he told me he planned on proposing.

        Since I know now that he felt the relationship was unbalanced (in my direction), I don’t want to make the same mistake by demanding too much this time. Every time I start to text him more or ask to see him, he shuts down and pulls back. I don’t assert myself more because I worry that I’ll lose him altogether if I push him at all.

        Since we aren’t in a relationship anymore, I thought that I wasn’t actually entitled to his time, and to ask for him to make an effort would trigger him, thus creating reactance. Was I wrong to think this?

        Reply
        • Carina

          I’m in the same situation right now. It would be great to get an answer to this 🙂

          Reply
          • Clay Andrews

            Thanks for commenting Carina.

      • Jennifer J Worth

        I would love it. My ex and I have just very recent connected via phone but it feels that communications are VERY guarded. Me more than him. It has been two years since he broke up with me.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Thanks for the comment Jennifer. I’ll post an update when I can tell if we’re going to move forward with the group or not.

          Reply
  6. Kaili Tan

    I am very excited for what you might have in store for us!! Yes I think you should do it! Will it be an addition to the ESP? Or would it be somewhat similar?

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the feedback Kaili. We’ll have to see what this turns into…

      Reply
      • Kaili

        Would this work even if my ex is still holding onto resentment?

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Yeah, we’ve definitely helped clients work though an ex’s resentment before.

          Reply
          • Kaili

            “This”, as in ESP?

            Do you have any suggestions on how I can have positive interactions with him with a lockdown? In my opinion, we have not have enough to proceed to even a phone call or a video call. But we have been gaming online together, if that’s anything. But to me that’s scratching the surface too. And with this lockdown, there isn’t really anything to talk about either.. 🙁

          • Kaili Tan

            I think I kinda found out the reason of his unhappiness. He isn’t sure about the source of it too. He cites it to perhaps be a mixture of blame / regret / guilt that the relationship didn’t work despite all the effort. He’s unhappy about all the unhappiness.

            I think I’m gna purchase the ESP tonight so I can learn how to apologize to him. Do you think that would work?

      • Jeffr

        Wow, the video above is just my situation right now, we keep in touch but there’s a gap,plus with a long distance.Please can’t wait for the upcoming video.

        Reply
  7. Mitsubishi

    Im interested . Im still hoping me and my ex girl will work it out between us. I know we can! She is a difficult one but we shared a strong bond!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the feedback, Mitsubishi. I’ll share an update soon.

      Reply
  8. E.b.

    Hi Clay,
    This sounds interesting for me too. Because i am in a very long process (more than two years) with my ex since now. And in the moment i think that we are maybe on a good way. But on the other hand nearly every time i have to be the one to initiate contact. Sometimes that makes me very sad. So maybe your new idea can help.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello EB. Thanks for the comment. I know it can be frustrating when you see something there between the two of you, but they don’t seem to see the same thing. I’ll share an update soon.

      Reply
  9. PeterR

    ALWAYS interested to see what programs you come up with, Clay… More information is always better than less when dealing with our Ex’s… So would love to see what you are thinking of putting together…!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you Peter. I’ll be posting an update soon.

      Reply
  10. Kirby Allen

    Hi my name is Kirby and I’m having serious trouble with my ex and it’s been 6 months since we been together, she give me mixed signals at the beginning but now she seems serious about and I don’t want to lose her or my family. I will interested in trying your program and use the tools to get them back in my life. Thank you and have a great day.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for sharing, Kirby. It sounds like she may have been at “Riding the Dragon” but may she shifted to a different stage. I’ll share an update once I can piece together the next step in all of this.

      Reply
  11. Zack

    Clay, I think this is really needed. I can relate on a number of levels. Always feeling as though my ex is a hair away. It often feels like we take two steps forward and then three back. So yes
    Please do this.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the feedback, Zack. I’m getting a lot of positive feedback on this, so I think I’ll move forward with this once I can organize the next step.

      Reply
  12. Don Moss

    Hi Clay,
    I have to say ‘yes’ to this particular subject matter.
    I have previously tried all manner of ways to break the ice with my extremely stubborn ex … including using all the advice you have available as a member. But some ex’s are stubborn no matter what you say or do to try and engage with them.

    After years of trying and going over everything in my mind again and again, I came to the decision to give up, I didn’t want to, but it was taking over my life and it was making me ill. I have learnt to forgive myself now and to forgive my ex … but I’ve never been able to convey this to her.

    I’m told by her friends she is happy and has moved on, but even now, my love for her is undying, I just bury it deep inside and take each day as it comes.

    I don’t think I will ever get back with her now, but I would love to sort out our differences and earn her trust and friendship again if possible. I do wonder if she ever thinks about me now? I hope so as I do her.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hi Don. I’m sorry that everything that happened was getting to the point of making you ill. I hope you’ve been able to get that handled. And I’m sorry that you felt you needed to give up when it wasn’t something you wanted yourself. Thank you for sharing and being vulnerable with all of that. I’ll post an update once we have the next step organized.

      Reply
      • Don Moss

        Hi Clay,
        Thank you for your reply, I realised very late on I had to re-invest in myself and my own well-being, that was the turning point for me. I came out of my depression and I began to be the guy she first met and loved, just too late to save our relationship unfortunately.

        After thinking a bit more about your new upcoming advice, I would definitely have a chapter on the way they might be feeling and how they are still dealing with it as well, it’s not always about us trying to get our ex back, it’s a two way street.

        I listen to a particular song now and again, which sort of sums how I am now, I’m good … it’s called … Let Her Go by Passenger.

        One line in the song that stands out … ‘You only know you love her when you let her go’

        Look forward to hearing what comes out of this

        Reply
    • Paul

      Hi clay, me and my wife have been separated 11 months now and divorce proceedings have started. By her of course. I broke her trust and done all the stupid mistakes for the first 3 months. We talk every week about our children but I can’t seem to get her to open up to me. Any help would be massively helpful

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Thanks for sharing Paul. It sounds like rebuilding the trust is the first key step in working things out with her.

        Reply
  13. Yara

    Hi I think is a very good idea In my case I think I’m struggling with this kind of traits, I hope u can help me out since I’ve been watching ur videos and I have learn a lot. It worked until I messed it up again now I’m kind of an weird situation but I keep on watching u and learning and I think and hope I can go tru this. So I think it’ll be very good if u do it.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Yara, thank you for your comment. It’s looking like we’ll probably go ahead with this, but I’ll need to organize the next step first. Once I do that, I’ll post an update.

      Reply
  14. Veronica

    Hi Clay!
    I first started ARS to get my boyfriend back, then realized I don’t really want him back. However, I would love to know how to get through to my ex husband. Talk about high stakes! We used to be amicable and polite, mostly talking about our daughter, but frequently. Since I relocated for a better job, he has residential custody of our daughter and cut off all communication for 3 years. It is really straining my relationship with my daughter. I consider that the highest stakes! I’ve been able to use ARS in other areas, like my friendships, job, etc. even though it’s tailored toward romantic relationships. I’m very interested, but not if it would take you away from the Ex Solutions Program.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Veronica. I’m sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your ex-husband. I know that issues of custody can be very challenging. Often, following a divorce, there can be so many intense feelings and negativity that it turns two people into enemies. And unfortunately, children can get caught in the middle. I’m so sorry that you and your daughter are experiencing that right now.

      Reply
  15. julie

    hi clay. yes please! my ex is actually stubborn. im actually doing the no contact rule after 1 month of trying to get him back. i know he still love me. we were living together for a year. thank you so much for your videos. i appreciate your efforts and hard works

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Stubbornness can be very frustrating, can’t it? I hope No Contact is going well for you. I’ll post an update when I can organize the next step.

      Reply
  16. Madison Fahey

    I am definitely interested. I believe my situation still has hope, but has been a longer process than expected. I need to break the cycle.

    Best,

    Madison F

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the update. It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. I’ll post more details shortly.

      Reply
  17. Nicole

    Im very interested! It seems like exactly what i need as i have fallen into one of those exact situations where i feel stuck no matter how hard i try.

    If you could make something to help with those more tough situations it would help so much.

    Reply
  18. JODY

    No and not because I think it won’t help, some. More because sometimes I want to logic an emotion, I want a formula an algorithm to explain a learned pattern of responding to a neurochemical response. I want to know why can’t I let it go….move on. I want closure a reason. when more often than not there is no closure there is no reason there is just a narcissistic abusive player waiting to manipulate you once again because they know that you still have this neurochemical response to them and can/will use it to their advantage every time. Simply prolonging your pain and preventing you form moving forward. Why? Because they are skilled at it…do not have empathy or remorse…never have and display a long history of Oscar winning performances to prove it. Because they can do the one thing I cannot and want to do so desperately….they can logic the hell out of it!! Why because they aren’t experiencing emotion hence do not have to sort out cognitive or feeling part…because it isn’t there and never was or will be. Sure there are hundreds of articles on this type of junk…and that’s great. But remaining in an emotionally toxic relationship only delays your chance of experiencing or recognizing one that is not…and keeps you stuck. No contact..rediscover self…remember who you we’re…move on. If your ever curious about them or who they ended up with…go look..I guarantee you the person they are with…will have a vaguely familiar look. Why is it familiar? Because you were her or him once…you will feel nothing but pity for ‘ your replacement’ and realize you lost a jerk but in return regained something priceless SELF RESPECT

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      I’m sorry that you are involved with someone who seems to have NPD. More importantly, it seems that you are certainly not getting your needs met in this dynamic. If you can accept that he has NPD, can you also accept that there is a part of you that hopes that he may one day change and not have NPD? If that’s the case, then I would recommend learning to accept him as the man that he is, and that he will likely never be able to give you the relationship or the dynamic that you are looking for. Once you can accept that, then you need to make a solid decision to no longer keep him in your life. If you can do that, then you don’t need any sort of algorithm or logic or anything like that.

      Remember, you do not have to put up with someone in your life who cannot and will not be the kind of partner you want them to be. Love yourself enough to know that you deserve better than what you’re getting and create the space for that in your life.

      Reply
      • Jody

        Ditto been out for awhile as indicated by what I wrote….just saying is he stubborn or just a jerk? Lots of comments I’m reading about ‘stubborn’ sound a lot like what I experienced. Instead of asking how to be what they want….I say first ask are they not only what you want but more importantly are they what you need in your life? Your advice has helped me reframe this very question and I’m much happier for it😁

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Glad we’ve been able to help you out. Sometimes “stubbornness” can be a person who isn’t a good fit for you. Other times it can mean that your approach is just wrong and not meeting them where they are at emotionally. Either way, I would think long and hard about being in a relationship with someone who has NPD. I’m not saying it can’t work, but at what cost?

          Reply
  19. Lindsey

    Hey Clay,

    I would like to say I’m highly interested in this. My ex has shown he is stubborn in various different ways from saying that there isn’t a chance to he self-sabotaged and doesn’t know how to be trustful of others in general. There isn’t much of an excuse for it, but he has a history of being cheated on and betrayed in other ways. I may have shown some red flags initial, but I have much changed since our break up in November 2019. He has also noticed this change. He says things like I’m a good person/friend and that I was everything he wanted, but he doesn’t see himself wanting a relationship for a while. However, if he ever were to date again then he only sees me as being an option.

    I’m willing to give for details, but I would like to know more about developing more trust, when and how to apologize, and get him to open up more without feeling like I’m overstepping.

    Anyway, some important details about my situation: long distance, he’s a widower with children, he leads a very busy lifestyle (these are things that do not bother me, but makes him hesitant).

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hey Lindsey, thanks for commenting. Yeah, it definitely sounds like trust is at the core of what is keeping him at arm’s length from you right now. And that is something we can definitely work on.

      Reply
  20. Melissa

    I am very interested!
    First of all, thank you Clay for posting all these super useful information online. I’ve learned a lot, especially in being connection focused.
    I think my situation is going pretty well since my ex and I still keep in touch and have some great time together, but I definitely need some help with breakthrough!
    I would love to know more!
    Sincerely from Taiwan.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Melissa. I’m glad that things are going well with you and your ex. By the way, I love Taiwan! We went there in 2015 and had a greta time eating at all the night markets 🙂

      Reply
  21. Alexis

    Hey Clay,
    Me and my ex girlfriend broke up last Sunday Because she said she was not ready for a relationship after 7 in a half months that we spent together but she told me that she loved me but said also that she did not feel the same way as before and also she told she was always looking for a guy like me but does not feel secure? Why did she told me that? & But she still has my nickname and photos of us in Facebook what does that mean? She changed her profile pic and everything but she kept our things & I logged off from every single social media that I have. Like I totally went into no contact and haven’t talk to her since but she has a graduation coming up do you think it’s a good idea to go and congratulate her? Please help me man I want her back! The next part, She was angry and confused but she was sorry because she distanced herself from me and told me she changed with me and could not talk because she felt a lump in her throat and wanted to cry because she was leaving me & do I still have a chance to be back with her? also she wanted me to be friends with her? It’s that a good idea? Please help me Clay! Time is gold I want her back

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Alexis, thanks for commenting. Given that your breakup was so recent, I can only imagine how you must feel. I know there are probably 101 questions whirling around in your mind, but first and foremost, it’s important to take a deep breath and make sure that you are in a place emotionally where you can actually have a positive impact on her. If you are interacting with her while in Damage Control Mode you’re only going to do more harm than good. Where do you think you are emotionally?

      Reply
      • Alexis

        Emotionally Clay I’ve been doing great doing things have not done in a long time like working out, making songs, and bought my very first car with the help of god that he won’t never leave my side he will be blessing me every single day to be a better me and find the best version of me & we have not been in contact since the break up but I’m certain she will soon see my changes or give me a second chance to be back together. This pandemic changed everything for us we had so much plans together that we couldn’t do also Clay what do you think of her still having pictures, posts of us in social media and my nickname in messenger? & how should I reach out to her?

        Reply
      • Alexis

        Hello clay, I don’t know if you saw the comment I put two hours ago I just want help to get her back in my life please read my comment thank you!

        Reply
  22. Kym

    This sounds good. I am desperate to get my ex, who I still live with to get back with me . There is so much to our situation that I need as much help as I can get . PLEASE.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the comment Kym. We will likely be putting something together for this as soon as I can arrange all the logistics.

      Reply
  23. Elizabeth Burr

    I need this very much. My exe is one of the most stubborn people I’ve ever met. As soon as they broke up with me, they turned to alcohol, rebounds (#3 now) and cutting communication as much as they could. After several months they started talking to me again, and stick to surface topics. They treat me like a friend and we get closer, then they say we aren’t even friends yet, but acquaintances, and pull back sharply. They say it could be years before we are friends again, yet their actions say differently. We will have positive communication, even on surface level topics, then they disappear for weeks at a time.

    It’s so frustrating to see and hear of them struggling, yet pushing back so hard they are hurting themselves while pretending to be happy. They’ve asked mutual friends about me to see how much I’ve changed (they told me so directly).
    I need help with this person, so much help. Nothing out there seems to work or help very much, I’ve even gone through all your programs.
    I need something more to help them open up and trust that it’s safe with me. I make sure never to pressure or push, they run every time they enjoy communication with me still. A couple weeks will be a full year since the break, and I’m having trouble staying hopeful.
    We were the best match for two people we had and everyone who met us had ever seen. Even post break he’d told me he loves me more than he ever thought possible to love a person. We had issues of me being clingy and low self esteem. That has changed and I just need the chance for him to look and see that.

    There is so so so much more behind the scenes yet I can’t fit it here. I need more help and can’t afford individual coaching having lost everything in the breakup, including my job.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for sharing this Elizabeth. I know it must be hard when you feel so strongly for someone, only to see them doing self-destructive things and keeping you at a distance. I’m pretty sure we’ll move forward with this once I’m able to get some of things on the back end arranged.

      Reply
  24. Nat

    Yes, PLEASE! My ex is extremely stubborn and hard headed. I’ve tried searching for material specifically on stubborn exes but content is few and far between.

    Reply
  25. Becky

    This would be really great! My situation is just as unique and difficult as you describe here and I’ve tried so hard but I need guidance 🙂

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the feedback Becky, I’ll post an update once I’ve pieced together the next step.

      Reply
  26. Adiraj Nigam

    Go ahead with it Clay. You got my survey. You know I want it. Just go ahead.

    Reply
  27. Kris Craig

    Hi Clay. I am diligently practicing my advanced relational skills and the techniques learned from ESP. They do work and I have made good, albeit slow, progress with my former sweetheart.
    He admits he was more vulnerable with me than he’s been with any other person in his life – so the walls he has up around his bruised heart are high. I know working things out with him will be a marathon and not a sprint. (it’s been 19 months) I’m interested in any additional skills you’re willing to share in difficult circumstances like mine. I’m grateful to you and your team for sharing solid information, encouragement, but most of all hope!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Kris, thanks for the kind words. I’ll be posting an update probably early next week.

      Reply
  28. Jeremy

    Yes! Your material clay is always great and I truly appreciate your work for people like us.

    As you know, from communication clinic, I am struggling to communicate with my ex as I know in my heart she is having a hard time right now in her life and my biggest issue is to get through to her to just be open in talking with me as I am not expecting anything to happen right away, also cause of this global situation, I just want and desire truly to be able to talk, communicate and build a new, better and improved relationship for the future.
    What was… WAS! Now I have changed and have improved myself and handle my emotions way differently.

    Thanks for all your hard work Clay!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hey Jeremey. Thanks for the feedback. Is she still taking several weeks to reply to you?

      Reply
  29. ABM

    Yes, a focus on high stakes communication would be good as I am in that situation now with her pulling back. We had taken space over the Xmas/NYE holiday because she had hurt me. I wasn’t looking to breakup with her, but she needed to address something important to her own mental health.

    Basically, I went no contact for all of January, which annoyed her. In February, she sent me a few instagram/texts which relayed that she missed me. She even eluded to her discussing getting back together w/ her best friend (I am best friends w the husband). Then…she learned I had shared something very personal about her to her best friends husband and she got extremely angry. She told me “I put the nail in our coffin” and to leave her alone…not to contact her. That I had hurt her and she lost all respect for me. I of course reached out, and she blocked me on Instagram, FB and text.

    Since Covid in Mid-March, I have been staying at our mutual best-friends house above their garage (my ex signed off on this…as long as I agreed to be a gentleman when she comes to visit – basically, I am a friend and act like a gentleman). As such, I see her maybe twice a week when she visits my buddies wife. The four of us hangout, play cards, do cocktails and basically operate like we did when we were a couple, except at the end of the night she goes home. Sometimes she is more engaging and other times closed off. When she does let her guard down, the two of us naturally get along and connect. We are attracted to one another, and enjoy each others company…but she has been very guarded.

    Literally, I gave her a hug for the first time last week since Xmas…she of course gave me the cheek, but I thought we were making progress.

    On her last visit however, after talking about the four of us doing stuff together post lockdown (concerts etc), she and I had 30mins just us without our friends. She was talking to me about personal things as if I was the boyfriend again. She even reached out at some point and grabbed my hand and I reciprocated grabbing her knee. It was a little awkward and she re-iterated that we “were done” and we were just friends.

    She then asks me if I’m dating anyone with a smile and chuckle, to which I replied annoyingly, that I was not. In response, I reiterated not wanting to know about her dating situation either, and she replied again the “we are done”. She even said we were already becoming “fast friends” and pressed more on giving into a friendship. I felt like she had all the power at that moment. As if she had already moved on and was happily dating again. She even said in time I will find someone else to fall in love with.

    This got me emotional and irritated, to which I stated I needed to move out of our friends place as I was still in love and wouldn’t accept being friends. I moved out a day later and we have not spoken since.

    Not sure if she’s moved on. She is quite attractive, so wouldn’t be hard for her to have done so. Not even sure why she would want to push this friends thing? Not sure how to re-establish communication at this point. I’m no longer blocked on social media, text and email, but I didn’t keep my composure and not sure where to begin. It sounded to me that we were done.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello ABM, thanks for commenting. That’s quite a long story, and I can tell that there is a lot going on here. It seems that you think that the two of you are done. Is that what you want? Or do you still want to explore what might be possible between the two of you?

      Reply
  30. Alyssa

    Hi Clay,

    I think this could be really helpful.
    Recently, if you happen to look at the MLA facebook page, my guy and I recently talked about our breakup about a week ago and he said that if I had any underlying questions just let him know. When I did yesterday it got out of hand like a turn in 180 from his side and he texted me that despite being out of align of what he said, he is done talking about our relationship (even though that was our second and my last time asking questions) and if I did bring it up again we could no longer be friends.
    So I guess I need help going from there and improving our communication as well. I let him know that I needed some time to myself for a few days because what he said was very hurtful (he said I was being oppressive which is very extreme and I even gave him chances to change topic as well if he did not feel comfortable) so I guess I need time to heal from that.
    So I really need help with the communication now as I believe he is at crisis point and I cannot afford individual coaching as well.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Alyssa. Thanks for commenting. I wonder what happened that caused him to have a 180 change in his attitude? That must be very confusing and frustrating for you. Anyway, I’ll be posting an update on all of this probably early next week.

      Reply
  31. Chris

    Hey Clay, your advice is always great. Doing something about communication would be very beneficial. My ex wife left me nearly a year ago and moved halfway across the country, back to her hometown. She has been extremely stubborn but I’ve only continued to bring a better version of myself to the interactions we did have. We started to connect on quite a deep level before, even had agreed to maybe me flying out to see her. A short while after that, she pulled away hard and asked that I do not contact her at all. I did not object and we went from great interactions to no interactions. Some content on communication during a time like I am going through would be of great benefit!

    Thank you for all that you do!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Chris, thanks for commenting. I’ll be posting an update probably early next week on all of this. It sounds like you were making progress with your wife before she pulled back. I wonder if there was any reason why she may have had a change in her attitude?

      Reply
      • Chris

        I cannot pinpoint any specific moments that would have made her change her mind. I felt that she became so confused about how she was feeling that she got scared and felt it was easiest to just have me out of sight, therefore out if mind. She had said that it would best best for both of us to not talk so we can move forward individually. I am pretty sure that since there is such a large physical distance between us that she uses that to reinforce her thoughts that reconciling is not possible because of it. She had actually pretty much said just that. She is now walling me out harder than ever. She had even said that we cannot just be friends at this time And that she needs to focus on herself. Quite disheartening to have been interacting so we’ll only to have her shut me out. I would say she had hit her crisis point and chose to run from her emotions.

        Reply
  32. Gerard

    Extreme interest. May be too late and possibly ready to give up but can’t let go. Problem is communicating when she has an affair partner whom she denies. I cannot connect past him when its hidden but also as I do not know how to behave as I don’t know if she is being nice or manipulating me to gain the house and kids (longer story).

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Gerard, thank you for commenting. I’ll be posting an update early next week on all of this. However, it’s totally okay if you decide that working things out with your ex is not for you. Do you think that she would really want to manipulate you?

      Reply
  33. Ronald Bowman

    Yes that would help. Me and my ex communicate but not at the level I would like

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you for the feedback Ronald. I’ll be posting an update on all of this likely early next week.

      Reply
      • Ronald Bowman

        Thanks Clay. We have been talking about the good times not the bad. She said she still loved me not in love when we broke after 22 yrs. I have been buying silver told her it was for us and she have been buying gold and said it was for us even though she jumped into a rebound relationship in 4 days.

        Reply
  34. Marcus Wilson

    Hi Clay,

    I would love to have some of these tools that you’re talking about.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the feedback Marcus. I’ll post an update early next week.

      Reply
  35. Leslie Esparza

    Hello Clay, personally I’ve been on and off with my ex for 5 years now and it’s been a cycle, seeing this new project would motivate me to not stop fighting or to not give up and I am work you 100% all the way!!!!! 🙂

    Reply
    • Lula

      It’d be absolutely great to know more about how to deal with those situations. I’m doing EXP and I think it’s great, but sometimes when dealing with your ex, you find yourself thinking “now what?” – and you don’t really have any answers.

      Btw, since I’m sure you’ll read this, thanks for your work, I find it really valuable! I was upset with my ex because they flaked on me, and I was able to express my feelings towards what happened in a very calm, thorough way, without accusing them or reacting. I got an apology and they rescheduled and followed through the plan!

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Hello Lula. Thanks for commenting and thank you for sharing that you were able to turn a negative experience into a positive interaction.

        Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Leslie, thank you for commenting. We will likely move forward with this. I’ll post an update next week.

      Reply
  36. Krista

    My husband and I have been separated for 2 years. No divorce. He hasn’t even asked and he’s the one who left and has been living with his girlfriend since the day he walked out my door. When I handed him divorce papers he pushed them back at me. A month ago we had an emergency with our son and i made him very mad and he told me the only feelings he has for me is that I am the mother of his children. He asks the kids about me every time he sees them but since he told me about his feelings I have avoided him. I would love to see a program like this. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I still want him back. Mine is a hard situation and there is a lot more to it than I can say here but if you can help others I think you should try.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for commenting Krista. That’s fine if you don’t want to get back together with your husband. It’s totally find to call it quits for any reason at any time.

      Reply
      • Krista

        I do want to get back together but I don’t know if he will ever be willing to try. We have been married for 21 years and I do still think the marriage is worth working on. I have good days and bad days. I really don’t know what to do.

        Reply
  37. Zoë Fransen

    I would find it very helpful!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you Zoe. I’ll post an update next week.

      Reply
  38. Wes

    Hi Clay, I think this would help so much especially in my situation. My ex reached out to me two weeks after ANC the first time and we’ve been talking for a month now and two weeks ago I had a really meaningful conversation with my ex and we really cleared the air about our previous relationship and things seemed to be going good from there. But on Sunday my Ex wanted to talk and she told me that people have told her it’s weird that we still talk everyday and she agreed that it’s not normal for exes to do that. She wanted for us to stop talking and I told her that I respect her decision and all I wanted was to be able to talk and connect. She kept pushing for what I wanted out of talking and connecting and I expressed that all I wanted was an honest shot which I felt she wasn’t giving me. But I told her the door was open if she wanted to give it an honest shot but I would respect her decision to not talk. She also wanted to delete each other off of all social media which I agreed. I’m just confused cause I don’t know where I stand now because it’s been two months since the breakup and I feel like I’m back at square one and all that progress I made was a lie. Do I just give up or where do I go from here? I want to keep trying but I don’t know whether to believe my ex was just being nice this whole time or that she’s confused about me and is pulling away to figure things out.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hey Wes, thanks for commenting. You can choose to give up or not give up at any point, based on any reason you have. I know better than to tell anyone that their situation is hopeless. I’ve seen too many people make things work from “hopeless” situations over the years, that I know better than to write anyone off.

      Reply
  39. Els

    Hi Clay

    To me, the course of last summer has been quite interesting and helpful.

    I also want to ask you to provide us with some content again, and to help us further to break down that wall.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Els. Yes, I think I’m definitely going to be moving forward with this new project. More info coming next week.

      Reply
  40. KM

    Clay,

    This sounds wonderful if you choose to move forward with the project. I’m in this place where i feel like my ex and I had a bad interaction after months of on and off contact/hanging out and since then he has ignored my texts. This is unusual because he normally would not ignore my texts.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the comment, KM. We will likely move forward with this. I’ll be posting more details next week. Yeah, it can be really frustrating when someone suddenly stops responding to you completely.

      Reply
  41. Lisa

    I think its a very good idea. My ex has been in reactance for four months now. Whenever i try reaching our after anc i get a wall. I know he loves me still, but i cannot get through to him.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the feedback, Lisa. What do you think is going on for him, emotionally that would keep him from being in contact with you?

      Reply
  42. Cornell

    Sounds like a plan to me.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Cornell. I’ll post an update early next week once I have a few things set up.

      Reply
  43. Claire

    Split for 5 months, but I honestly think if it wasn’t for the situation we could’ve worked it out by now. Keeping the texting going, but its probably around 70/30 my effort. I don’t want conversation to dry up but its impossible to meet at the minute as I am overseas and cannot get to him for at least another month. I think the gods are conspiring against us getting back together and sometimes think maybe its a sign we are not meant to be…we are married and together 7 years. There is no reactance from him, or at least very little, its all positive but I don/’t know how long we can keep this up before he just moves on out of boredom/staleness

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you for sharing Claire. It must be so frustrating, feeling that you could be back together if it weren’t for the pandemic. I’ll be posting an update in a day or two.

      Reply
  44. Rebecca Flaherty

    Communication is a glue that holds a marriage together…it is one of the main reasons my husband & I divorced after 50 years of marriage. At this point, I can not break through the wall he has built around himself. My opinion…yes…it sounds like a solid plan to me!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you for sharing Rebecca. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must feel like to have your husband divorce you after 50 years. I’ll be posting an update shortly.

      Reply
  45. David

    I’d definitely be interested, Clay. Your content has brought me a lot even if I’m not so far ahead in the ESP program. And they’re all lessons that are going to prove useful even after relationships are hopefully rekindled. A class about communication, I’m sure that would be just as helpful.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you for the feedback David. I’m glad you’ve gained a lot from ESP. I’ll post an update soon.

      Reply
  46. Joseph Fann

    I would be interested in this very much. I miss my wife so much. I have taken extremely bad advise from someone I thought was a professional and it made so many things go wrong. We have been married 12 years and been with each other for 16. She is however dating someone who was a friend. I haven’t stopped fighting and I need to get the love of my life back. We have 2 children, we aren’t legally separated but she left and moved in with her mom and dad. Same town I live in. Please help me.

    Reply
  47. Joseph Fann

    I would be interested in this very much. I have had some progress in the past but set backs happened. I want to get back to the great contact we had.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for sharing Joseph. I’ll be posting an update soon.

      Reply
  48. Kaili

    Hi Clay, I bought the ESP and it came with a 1month trial to modern love community. But I’m unable to access it. It keeps asking me to purchase it.

    Reply
  49. Aditya Bee

    Yes…! I am currently in a situation with someone I who dumped me and went cold in October 2018… Then reconnected with me for the past 3 months… We lived together through the lockdown… But then again she dumped me… Even blocked me. She qualifies a stubborn ex… And come what may, I won’t ever give up on her… So yes… I think you should definitely proceed with this new project of your’s and help people in situations like our’s.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you for sharing, Aditya. I’ll post an update soon with more details.

      Reply
  50. Andreas

    Hi Clay,
    Great work you are doing here, it helped me a lot. Unfortunately on my end, it’s been a push and pull from my ex for ages now with no development at all, so I decided to take a step back a leave it as it is for now, I told here I want no contact at all for now, it’s just too painful and my life should continue. We will see what Life will bring…;) thanks for your help Clay anyways!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for sharing, Andreas. I hope that you can heal and find the love you are looking for.

      Reply
  51. Jodie-Lee Price

    Hi clay
    Love the way you run your programmes; it appears more realistic. My ex and I are still talking as we have to while we build our house. We were together 7 years and I broke up with him in February due to being in a dark place which I have now worked through. I reached out to him emotionally about a month ago and he got upset and was crying saying he didn’t know if he could go back and that there was inconsistency in our lives due to our living situations, but nothing major happened other than circumstantial. However whilst I worked on myself he got into a relationship 6 weeks after we broke up. He says he doesn’t know where his head is at but he is still seeing this person and has been since April. I would love more tailored programmes.

    Reply

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