How to Make Your Ex Miss You: Hacking Your Ex’s Emotional Psychology
If you want to know how to make your ex miss you, you may be surprised to know that there’s a lot more going on emotionally than you initially think.
Most assume that it’s just about reminding your ex about the “good old days” through a text message or two.
But that’s not going to cut it, in most cases.
I’m sure you miss your ex, and thinking about positive memories feels good to you. Your ex, however, has a different experience.
That is because there is a certain emotional resistance that your ex has to interacting with you. The secret to knowing how to make your ex miss you is knowing how to bypass this resistance.
Your Ex’s Emotional Resistance
(Why Your Ex Doesn’t Miss You)
After a breakup, your ex experiences an emotional resistance to interacting with you because they need this for self-peservation.
They didn’t come to the conclusion that they needed to break up overnight. Chances are high that they decided to break up after thinking about things for a long time. They saw something in your relationship that they didn’t like, and they slowly decided that it would be better to walk.
The breakup only came after they passed the point of no return.
And by then, a lot of emotional resistance has built up in them.
That’s why it’s often so difficult to get through to your ex. That’s also why your ex may even be walling you out emotionally.
And if you’re going to make your ex to miss you again, you have to overcome this resistance and replace it with a positive emotional experience.
That is to say, you can’t just add things to what isn’t working.
Just like you can’t get very far no matter how hard you push the accelerator pedal on your car if your other foot is firmly pressing down on the brake.
You first have to take your foot off the brake before you will start moving.
And that’s why common dating tips, like reminding your ex-girlfriend about the “good old days” doesn’t work. It’s why your ex-boyfriend doesn’t care if you’re trying to make him jealous by posting things on social media. It’s why your ex-girlfriend won’t cut you any slack. And it’s why trying to figure out the right texts to send to get him back won’t work—there actually is no best text to send your ex at all (once you understand emotional connection).
You need to remove the emotional resistance they have to interacting with you first. That is the first step to knowing how to make your ex miss you.
Now, this emotional resistance is going to be stronger for some people’s exes than it will be for other’s. Each breakup and relationship is different. Some exes will be more open to talking to you. Others will be more closed off. It’s all based on their unique experience, psychology, and emotions.
Keep that in mind, because I’ve identified 5 specific stages of emotional resistance that you will need to overcome to make your ex miss you.
Your ex might start at the first stage. Your ex might only be at the fourth stage. Keep that in mind.
Let’s cover these 5 stages…
How to Make Your Ex Miss You When They Are Walling You Out
(The First Stage: Complete Resistance)
If things have become very extreme, your ex may have walled you out completely.
Or, if they are talking to you, it’s to tell you something blunt, like to give up or to try dating other people.
When this happens, they are experiencing such a high degree of resistance that they don’t even want to talk to you. Your ex might even block you on social media.
When things like this happen, it is easy to understand why you might think your situation is hopeless. You might even wonder how your ex can stop thinking about you at all. Are they meeting new people or even seeing someone else?
But once you understand your ex’s emotional experience, you’ll understand why they don’t want to talk with you or interact with you.
And you might understand why your ex may even miss you like crazy… even when they won’t even talk to you.
The reason your ex is walling you out is because they believe that you have a hidden agenda in being in contact with them.
They are afraid that you only want to talk with them because you want to get back together with them.
That is to say, you don’t care about where they are at emotionally or how they feel. You just want to be back in a relationship with them, and that is all you care about.
Even if you do want to get back together with them (which I’m guessing you do, if you’re reading this), you have to meet your ex where they are at emotionally.
Until your ex feels understood, they might miss you a lot, but they will still be hesitant about interacting with you because they are afraid that they will be walking right back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.
What do they need to experience before they will open up to you again?
Are they still upset about something that happened during the breakup? Do they need to hear an apology? Do they think that you never cared about them?
Until you’re able to understand where your ex is at and meet them there, then you’re going to struggle and your ex will continue to wall you out.
You want to make sure that your interactions feel good on an emotional level. For some people, doing something like following the No Contact Rule for a period of time might help create a strong context for improving the quality of your interactions.
If nothing else, creating a No Contact period will definitely give you some time for healing from the emotional pain of the breakup and focusing on yourself before you jump back into contacting your ex.
How to Make Your Ex Miss You When You Only Get One Word Replies When You Text Them
When things aren’t quite as bad, or when your ex is starting to warm up from being completely silent, you’ll experience something different.
Your ex will respond to you… But they won’t be emotionally invested in the conversation.
Often, this will look like one word replies. Other times, it may be that they only stick to surface-level conversation topics (such as talking about work, the weather, TV shows, sports, etc.). Or they may take a lot of time to even respond in the first place. You might also notice your ex start or stop contact with you sporadically.
This can be particularly frustrating for a lot of people because they can’t really get their ex talking.
I mean, what do you say after you ask your ex how they are doing and they simply respond with “fine”?
Where do you take the conversation from there?
There really aren’t very many options. Many people will simply sputter out with uninspiring replies like “cool,” “that’s nice,” or “me too.”
Often, it can seem like you’re just pulling teeth just to get your ex to talk to you. You end up searching for conversation starters or what to text your ex to get her back or get him back.
Let me be clear, it really can be dangerous to sit around texting your ex about pointless things (like your car or their job).
The truth is that there isn’t a perfect text to copy-and-paste and send.
How to make your ex miss you is really more about the emotional connection more than the specific words you send them.
You have to send something that will shift your conversation to an emotional level. This prevents you from wasting time talking with your ex about pointless surface-level topics.
When you do this, you can shift from talking about people, places, and things, and you can start talking about what is actually important: Your emotions and your ex’s emotions.
By shifting down to the emotional level of connection you can start to form the beginnings of a positive emotional experience.
And, as I’ve said constantly, the most important thing to getting back together with your ex is the emotional connection.
So shift the conversation to the emotional level and your ex will move on to the next stage.
When Your Ex Is Hot and Cold
(The Third Stage: Your Ex Misses You — Sometimes)
This is where things start to get interesting (and, some would say, stressful).
By the time your ex hits this point, their emotional resistance is really starting to erode quickly.
That’s all well and good, but it will result in a much more confusion behavior.
Here, your ex will start to be showing you hot and cold behavior. They may even be giving you mixed messages.
They might tell you that they miss you and that breaking up was a terrible mistake.
…Only to take it all back tomorrow. They say that they think the two of you should just be friends. That they’ve gone back to their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.
…And then confess to you, the day after, that that they actually still love you. That the time you spent together was so important to them.
…Only to block your social media account the next day. Or post pictures of themselves getting uncomfortably close to someone else at a club.
Your ex misses you here… Just not consistently.
It’s terribly confusing when your ex can’t make up their mind. It can frustrate you. You might even think that your ex is stringing you along or playing games with you.
But, unless your ex is some sort of psychopath, they probably aren’t playing games with you.
They are genuinely confused.
As stressful as this is for you, understand that this is all equally stressful for them as well.
They don’t like doing this to you.
But just as you were in Damage Control Mode immediately after the breakup happened, your ex is in a sort of panic of their own right now.
They are trying to figure out how they feel about you.
And what they need more than anything is understanding and a continued positive emotional connection with you. (Guys, this is especially true if you want to know how to make your ex-girlfriend miss you)
If you start complaining, holding their indecisiveness against them, or trying to pressure them, they will pull back hard.
They might even regress to surface-level one word responses or they might even wall you out again.
So, keep their emotional state in mind as you navigate this stage.
You know you’re making progress in making your ex miss you here, but you’ve still got some challenges ahead of you.
How to Make Your Ex Miss You When They Won’t Commit
(The Fourth Stage: Your Ex Is Actively Discouraging You)
If you’ve been able to navigate your ex’s emotional world to this point, you’ve been able to get them past their emotional confusion state. This is huge progress when it comes to knowing how to make your ex miss you.
By this point, your ex has mostly positive feelings toward you. They aren’t confused anymore.
They are now, however, having to face the reality that they, in fact, like you.
And that means that there is a real possibility that the two of you might actually get back together again.
This can actually frighten your ex.
Because of what it means. They may have to make some uncomfortable choices moving forward.
They might need to breakup with a rebound partner that they started dating after they left you. Or maybe they will have to tell all their friends and family that the two of you are together again. They might even need to rearrange their life in some other difficult way, either logistically or emotionally.
And because of this uncomfortable decision, your ex is probably going to do what just about anyone confronted with a difficult situation will do: They will avoid it completely.
They will put off ending the rebound relationship. Maybe they’ll keep your relationship a secret from their friends and family. They may even do other things to avoid paving the way for a clear and unmistakeable reconciliation.
Your ex might even actively try to discourage you from building a strong connection with them. They may tell you to date other people. Or they might say that you are “too good” for them. Sometimes they’ll even do things to sabotage the connection, such as invent things that aren’t really there.
Why is this happening?
Is it because they don’t really love you?
I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion so fast.
In all likelihood, after helping countless people through this process with their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends, the truth is that your ex may realize that they made a big move by breaking up with you in the first place. And they want to be absolutely certain before they come back to you.
After all, who wants to be the high-drama person who is always breaking up with someone? …Then immediately jumping into a relationship with someone else over and over again?
And it’s even embarrassing to tell all your friends that you broke up with your ex (you), only to tell them that you got back together again. And it’s even more embarrassing to tell them a few weeks later that you’re breaking up again.
Your ex is essentially wanting to make sure that getting back together with you is the right choice for them. They want to know that it’s not all going to blow up in their face again.
And, in many cases, doing things such as ending a rebound relationship can be difficult.
It would certainly be easier for them if they didn’t have to end it. Maybe they wouldn’t need to do it if you weren’t really interested in them.
So, in an effort to make their life a little easier, your ex is essentially testing you to see if you’ll give up when things get hard.
So keep that connection strong and remind them why getting back together with you is what they really want.
If necessary, you may even need to apply a little bit of positive pressure on them (through boundaries or other communication strategies). This is sometimes needed to get them to finally make the move.
How to Make Your Ex Miss You and Want to Get Back Together
(The Fifth Stage: Smooth Sailing)
If you’ve made it this far, your ex has strong positive emotional feelings toward you.
They have even cleared a path toward getting back together again with you by handling all the logistical problems keeping you apart.
Now, the two of you are probably an official couple again in everything but name.
All you need to do is have a conversation with your ex about getting back together again.
They may still have some hesitations or concerns about getting back together. However, because you’ve built such a strong emotional foundation between the two of you, you can actually have a real conversation about these issues without your ex shutting you down (as they would have earlier on in this process).
And you can (and should) bring up any issues that you had in the relationship as well before getting back together again.
(Remember, this whole process is to make a relationship that works for both you and your ex… Not just a relationship that makes only your ex happy.)
And by this point, you and your ex will officially be a couple again.
The thing from here, is to make sure you maintain a strong emotional connection. That way, your relationship doesn’t slip away from you again.
The Key Secret to Make Your Ex Miss You
The secret to make your ex want you back is focusing on the emotional connection the two of you share.
Your ex is going through a process of trusting you again.
And every interaction you have either brings you two closer together or further apart on an emotional level.
If you want the short version of knowing how to make your ex want you back, it is to have more positive interactions that bring you closer together than you have negative interactions with them.
Keep that connection strong and the two of you will start to move toward getting back together.
But if you let the connection slip and focus on things that don’t matter in getting back together with your ex, then the two of you may actually start to drift away from each other.
And, through my work with countless people over the years, I can tell you that the thing that I believe will help you connect with your ex on an emotional level and help the two of you have a new beginning together is to build what we call Advanced Relational Skills.
These are skills that will strengthen the connection and show your ex that they are not walking back into the same relationship that they walked out on in the first place.
And these Advanced Relational Skills are the foundation of our master course called the Ex Solution Program.