He Never Texts First But Always Replies [RIG 29]

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Among one of the many myths in the dating world, one that takes women over the edge is when a man doesn’t take initiative to approach them. We as women have been programmed to think that it’s a man’s duty to always call first, to ask us out first and/or to text us first.

We’ve all been told that it’s the man’s duty to chase the women. A woman’s place is to be the object of his desires and therefore should never do the initiating… and god forbid if you do that because it’s the man’s duty after all… right? What I find inherently wrong with this mentality is that it dehumanizes people and takes away the power they hold over themselves. It causes us to feel worthy based on someone else’s perception of us. It makes us want to be validated in order to feel that we are lovable. In that sense we become our fragile egos- that needs constant elating. It also implies that both men and women in the dating world are only interested in playing games. It gives us the idea that we all need to play games to make people fall in love with us.

Of course what we’re talking here today isn’t just applicable to men its applicable to everyone. We’ve all at some point or the other felt that we need win someone’s love and affection. We have all felt like they are the trophy that needed to be won, and that in turn would validate our worth, that it would in some way make us happy…. That’s why this whole idea of being chased so important to us. We want to feel validated that we are somehow worth of being pursued. To cave in and text first means it undermines our value as human beings and we become worthless in someone else’s eyes.

If our main focus in any relationship is keeping score on who texts first, who calls first, who asked out who first, then we’re not focusing on the essence of the relationship. We are not focusing our energy on what truly matters. We’re not cultivating an emotional connection. It’s when the emotional connection is weak that we focus on other things to feel validated. That’s why we look for signs that our relationship is stable, or progressing or he’s interested in me etc etc.

When I look at my past relationships I have often found myself keeping such score. Now that I look at it objectively, I understand my reasons for doing what I did and feeling the way I did. I understand why I wanted him to text me first, or call me or arrange a date with me FIRST. I needed him to do all the initiating. I needed him to initiate because I felt deeply unhappy with the overall state of my relationship (or the lack of it to be honest)… We didn’t have a strong emotional connection. Most of our communication was restricted to cryptic texts and IMs that didn’t go beyond the surface. I knew the relationship wasn’t progressing and that frustrated me. I wanted signs that it was going forward in some way. So I tried using these superficial things to keep score of how well my relationship was progressing with him. It at first started with keep track of how many times he messaged me first and how many times I messaged him first. Even when we were messaging back and forth I was always on pins and needles wondering when he would send his next reply. When the communication wasn’t happening often enough I had to find some other way to know he liked me (Oh! Why or Why doesn’t he like me?! He has to like me, he did after all text me first the other day!).

Then it slowly progressed to me using social media as an outlet for my frustration. I was basically so starved for his validation that I was using his likes of my statuses and pictures to feel that he was still interested in me. Before long I found myself addicted to facebook just waiting for him to respond to me in some way. Of course I never contacted him first or liked his statuses or directly try to engage with him (“Let him do the initiating” I thought it is HIS job after all!). All the while I was waiting for him to “cave in” and text me I was wracking my brains out trying to find ways to get him to talk to me. Although I didn’t want to seem desperate in his eyes, I was desperate for his attention. I was acting from a place of desperation and it was because I was needy. We always think neediness is some overt behavior like stalking your ex-boyfriend or texting like a million times a day. It’s not…

What we don’t realize is that neediness is a mindset and keeping score of who texts first or who calls who first is just the tip of the ice berg. It’s a manifestation of something deeply unsettling within you. When you feel this compulsion to keep score ask yourself, what’s causing it. Listen to that feeling of discomfort within you. Because it underlines something important that needs to be addressed.  Maybe it’s got to do with your own insecurities- maybe it’s how you feel about yourself and your outlook on the world and your partner and your relationship that needs changing. Maybe it’s something about the relationship or your partner that feel doesn’t right to you… Maybe it’s your subconscious telling you that your partner or this relationship isn’t fulfilling your emotional needs. If your partner is inherently someone who is passive (not in to texting first or calling first or arranging dates) and that is something you can’t accept about them, then it’s something you need to think about. You have to be able to accept that about your partner if you’re looking to be with them long term. You have to accept them for who they are at this moment.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with picking up the phone and sending that text to your beloved. Some people are very passive, and some people are shy. Some guys just need a little push to open up. It’s okay to take that chance. Even if they don’t respond at least you know right? It’s better than waiting on them to initiate all the time. Waiting on them to initiate all the time could even lead them to think that you’re not interested in them or invested in the relationship.

In my relationship with my ex for instance, all that worrying ultimately turned out to be for nothing because we lacked a strong emotional connection. So I needed to feel that sense of security through other things. Things that focused on the quantity of our interactions rather than the quality of it. When I first started getting to know my husband as a friend, we had such a strong emotional connection that it didn’t matter who texted who first. If my memory serves me right, I was the one who first texted him after that fateful day when we met. If you cultivate a strong enough emotional connection, there will be no room for questions about “is he/she interested in me?” You will know that your connection goes beyond superficial things like how many texts were exchanged, and how often he/ she initiated. I’m glad I took that chance to talk to him. I’m glad I took that chance to text him first.

You never know what adventures await you but only if you take the initiative to step out of your comfort zone. As long as you limit yourself to what feels safe and what feels comfortable you will not allow room to learn and grow. Learning is important and growth is important if we are to succeed in life. So don’t hesitate to break away from what’s holding you back. Learn to embrace uncertainty in life. Only certain thing in life is uncertainty, and by learning to be okay with it, we learn to make peace with the unknown. Its only when we give up the control we have over everything besides ourselves, that we can take control of what’s within us. That’s when we can control our emotions, thoughts and actions. By learning to respond to situations instead of reacting we stop becoming victims to circumstances outside of us. That’s what ARS is about. That’s what ARS ultimately is. That’s where it all connects.

I hope this week’s blog helped you in some way, and if you have any comments and thoughts you would like to share with us, please do leave a response and I will try my best to get back to all of you!

Check out this week’s episode here

He never texts me first! Are you keeping score in your relationship? RIG [29]
Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience this week in the relationship inner game experience we’re going to be talking about when a guy never texts you first, but he always responds when you text him first. Okay? And this is mostly directed at women, but men experienced this too, but I just, through my work I’ve noticed that really by far and large, mostly it’s women that are asking about this and wanting to know why the other person never text them first and, but will respond if they text them. Okay. And I believe that is primarily because women are accustomed to letting the man take the lead. And so it’s kind of disturbing for a lot of women when he’s not taking the lead, but it also does happen between men and women the other way around as well too. So let’s go ahead and get into this. There’s a couple of different things that could be happening when he’s not texting you first. Okay? Number one is, in all honesty, he might just not be interested in you. You know, he’s not seriously interested in dating you or something like that and you know, he, he might actually be out there pursuing other women and he just kinda likes hearing from you from time to time because it kind of boosts up his self esteem and he thinks, yeah, I’m like really hot because, you know, there’s this girl who keeps texting me and it’s boosting up his self esteem so we can go out there and approach other women and go after other women and all of that stuff. it’s unfortunate, but it’s true, you know, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that that could be the case. The other thing that might be happening, thing number two is that he could just be a shy person, right? He could just be very shy. He doesn’t feel comfortable initiating things and taking the lead. And I remember he even would want to do that, but he’s, he’s just kind of worried that he’s going to screw it up. You know, he, he doesn’t, he’s not very certain that you like him and because he’s not certain he’s, he’s, he’s putting off texting you, he’s putting off texting because he’s like, well, you know, what do I do if she doesn’t like me? I have to think up the perfect text message. I have to come up with the right thing to say. I have to make sure I’ve got my plan figured out. I have to make sure I’ve got the right date figured out after, make sure I know how to talk to her. So I come across as charming and charismatic and all that stuff. So that could be happening. He’s just kind of procrastinating a little bit because he thinks he needs to prepare more. and he might actually really like you. That’s another possibility. Another thing is that he might just be on the passive side of things. Now, I know that most men have this reputation of being, you know, aggressive. They go after what they want. If they want to, women, if they want to text them, if they want to go out on a date with a woman, they will take the lead, they’ll text or they’ll call her, they’ll say, hey, are you free on Saturday night? Let’s go to this place or something like that. However, that is not the case with every single man. Some men are just passive either because they don’t feel comfortable stepping into their masculinity or maybe they just happened to be just more passive and that’s just their nature. Right? And if that is the case, then you have to accept that this is a passive guy. You’re probably not going to change him unless he wants to become more of an active, a proactive kind of person. So you’re going to have to accept that that’s the way he is. I mean, he might be shy like we talked about a moment ago and once he really knows that you like him, he’ll take more of the lead. But if he’s just a shy person, if he’s just a passive person rather than, you’re going to have to be okay with that. And say, okay, I am okay with this being a passive person and I’m okay to initiate more than he does. Or you have to say no, I want somebody who’s gonna initiate. I want somebody who I’m not going to have to do most of the work to get the ball rolling. And so say, Hey, you know, you’re a nice person, but I really want somebody more proactive. So Hasta la vista, baby or something like that. Okay. another possibility that might be going on is that he could just be really busy. He could just have a lot of stress going on in his life when there’s a whole lot of things going on in a guy’s life. Maybe some kind of deadline with work or school or, or some sort of crazy stress in his life. Family drama. I don’t know. A lot of his emotional bandwidth could just be taken up by that. And so he doesn’t feel that he can be 100 percent present with you. So he doesn’t want to start that conversation with you. It doesn’t want to start things down that road because he knows he’s not going to be able to be there for the full conversation. He’s knows he’s not going to be able to actually follow through and be 100 percent present and actually be able to organize the date and ask you out and all that stuff. So he’s not initiating things with you right now. Or perhaps his focus is just on whatever the stressful thing is, the work deadline, the family drama that, whatever it might be. And so he just isn’t able to focus on you. Okay. He might like you a lot. It’s just he could be just really stressed and busy. Okay. And again, like what I said before, we do have to accept him 100 percent the way that he is assuming this is a longterm problem, you know, he has a stressful job or something like that and say, okay, this is a stressful guy, guy who’s always busy. I either have to accept him the way he is or I have to say, you know, I’m really looking for somebody who’s not as stressed out all the time. You’re a nice person, but you just aren’t the right person for me. Thanks. Bye. I’m going to go find someone else, but you can’t try and change him. Okay. Unless this is just not the status quo. This is just like, Hey, I’m just a regular guy, but right now in this particular point in time I’m really stressed and after a certain deadline, which I can tell you on the calendar, this certain date when the thing is due, when the thing resolves or whatever, I will not as stressed out, you know? If that’s the case, then yeah, cut him a little bit of slack and see how he behaves after that deadline. Okay. Overall though, I would be really careful about paying too much attention to a guy not initiating texts with you. Okay. Because at the end of the day, that’s kind of keeping score and keeping score is not really going to set you up for a great long term relationship. I think we already know that in a certain degree, we’ve talked about this in previous relationship inner game experience episodes, so I’m not going to beat that to death. You can go back and listen to that one. I’ll probably link to it down below in the description for this relationship inner game experience if you’re watching this over on our website, but really just focus on making sure that the two of you are having a high quality emotional connection. If you’re having a high quality emotional connection that it really doesn’t matter who’s initiating contact. It really doesn’t matter if it’s him, if it’s you, if it’s whatever. I mean, you know, I’m, I’m married, I’ve got a wife. And I honestly couldn’t tell you who initiates contact more, her or me because I don’t keep score of that. I’m sure if you were to somehow, you know, go and look through our text history or something, you’d be able to say, oh, well, clay initiates more or, or Mika initiates more. But, it’s just not something that either one of us really pays attention to because we focus more on the quality of the connection between us rather than who’s initiating contact. And if you find yourself focusing on who’s initiating contact more, and you’re really focusing on that and worrying about that, then it probably means that the emotional connection isn’t that strong and would focus on that first and foremost. Okay. So with that being said, let’s go ahead and get to our Q and A for this week. Again, this is from members of the Modern Love Association. They can go ahead and submit questions on a weekly basis and we go ahead and answer five of them each week. So let’s go ahead and see what questions have been submitted this week. The first question is from LV, LV writes in and says, hi clay. My question concerns the progress from phase to phase. It seems like my ex and I keep riding the dragon. Well we have a great time when we meet up and we are connecting and bonding emotionally. But then she pulls back afterwards and I then give her space to re-initiate things after awhile. Then we meet up again, all those well, and then we are back in the same cycle again. So my question is, how can I break the cycle of the emotional pull back to make better progress within writing the dragon and reach phase four? Okay, so the important thing when it comes to things like this where you end up getting stuck in a cycle over and over and over again, is that it’s often because you are using the same strategy over and over and over again. And I noticed that you said that you constantly use the no contact thing and basically pulling back as well and giving her space and wedding her reach out to you. Okay? So as long as you continuously have the same approach such as giving her space, which is doing no contact or something like that, you’re going to continue to have a hard time. You’re going to continue to get the same results. and this is something that I’ve seen over and over and over again, is that people will think that they only have one tool available to them. And typically that’s no contact. You know, whenever something goes weird with your ex, you do no contact whenever you have a hard time getting through your ex. You Do, you know, contact whenever there is a poor experience, you do no contact whenever your ex has emotional pull back. You do no contact, right? And sure there are times and places for cutting contact with your ex. But if no contact is your only tool, then you’re going to have a very, very, very hard time. That’s why we give you a whole array of tools through the advanced relational skills. We give you an array of tools that allow you to feel into what your ex is experiencing, to ask them questions like, Hey, was there something that happened that’s causing you to be silent right now? Or, or, or, I thought that we had a really good time, on this, on this date that we went on on this. maybe you don’t call it a date, but on this meetup that we had, was I wrong? Did you experience that differently or something like that. And so as long as you continue to use the advanced relational skills and you don’t just rely on a single strategy like no contact, then you’ll be able to get past this roadblock. Okay. So, LV, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Okay. Our next question is from Claire. Claire says, Hi Clay. My ex told me three weeks ago that she is completely over me and doesn’t see us ever getting back together. She said that she wants to be friends. Her outlook on relationships appeared to have changed a lot since the breakup. She said she doesn’t believe in soul mates anymore and doesn’t want to date anyone. Seriously. I’ve been working on moving on and she’s started dating someone else, which despite what said, seems to be on track to something serious. I don’t think that it’s a rebound because we broke up like three months ago and she said that she’s completely over me. While I’m not thrilled about it, I know that I can’t do anything about it. Just so you know, time has nothing to do with determining whether something is a rebound relationship or not. And your ex saying that they are completely over you has nothing to do with them actually being completely over with you. They might still be very much caught up in you, but anyway you continue. I’ve taken up new activities and have been focusing on my other friendships. She’s still friendly with me and she still cares about me. She asks me for help on Homework, asks me how I’m doing and invites me to hang out with other people there. When we hang out, we laugh and tease each other and it just feels very natural. After I leave, she usually texts me later to ask about something or invite me somewhere. Later on she said she doesn’t want a relationship but is dating this other girl. I’m confused by these mixed messages. I’m not gonna sit around waiting for her. However, is staying friends with her, having emotional connections with her. Is that okay if I want to remain open to the possibility of getting back together in the future or should I make some kind of move so that she knows that I still have feelings for her so that I am not cemented as a friend. I just don’t know how to keep moving forward or getting back together, which you seem so comfortable being just friends. You need to understand it is that your ex will never see you as completely a platonic friend. The two of you have a romantic history and in order to see you as a platonic friend, she has to overlook the fact that the two of you had a relationship together. She has to be able to look you in the face, look you in the eye and not experience that, not experience the love that she felt for you, not experienced the attraction that she felt with you. Not experienced the intimate moments where the two of you were kissing, where the two of you are making love to be able to look at you and not experience any of that and that is not possible. Okay. That is just not possible for people to do that. Whenever you have a romantic relationship with somebody, you will always look at that person through a romantic lens. The attraction may, however, be blocked by bad feelings, baggage history, and all of that stuff. That is not something that you need to deal with by re attracting. Another person would need to do is instead work on flushing out those negative feelings. Okay? When we say that you don’t need to worry about the friend zone, I’m not saying that you need to act like a friend. I’m not saying that you need to act platonically. Of course you can flirt with your ex. Of course you can do things that you would do with an attractive person. You know why? Why wouldn’t you flirt with them? Why wouldn’t you just work that into your relate reward cycles? Why wouldn’t you just toss that in there? Like what we talk about inside the course, but what I want to make sure that you also do is that you focus on having high quality interactions that feel good on an emotional level to see so that you’re basically building up that relational equity, that emotional equity between the two of you so that you are number one, clearing out the negative emotions in history between the two of you and number two, continuing with the flirtatious activity so that you are not taking it to a platonic level. Of course you can say that you’re just being friends with your ex. Doesn’t feel the pressure to define what the two of you are and so that you have this space to actually build up that connection. That’s absolutely fine. I wouldn’t worry about your ex dating someone else. I wouldn’t worry about your ex. You know, saying that they’re not ready for a relationship and then you know, saying that they just want to casually date someone. Going out on dates with that personnel and see if there’s any mixed message in there. Your ex says that they don’t want something serious and they’re casually dating somebody that I’m not seeing a mixed message in there myself. so I would just focus on the quality of the connection between the two of you. Make sure that it has that romantic vibe without necessarily saying this is a romantic interaction or anything like that. And I think that’s going to help you out a lot. Okay. So, Claire, please keep us updated and have things go and a hope that helped you out. Our next question is from K a K says hello clay. I started the program about two months ago after struggling for a year and have seen a lot of progress between now and then. I practiced the advanced relational skills everyday and have been feeling like a switch between, like I switched between stages three and four. I’m guessing she means between the crossroads and the bridge. My ex and I have been spending nearly everyday together for about a month and have felt like we are together, but obviously happier and healthier than our old relationship. However, I asked him on a date for his birthday morning, of which he resisted for the reason that he did not want to imply that we’re getting back together and did not want to take advantage. I assured him that it would be fun and worth it and he agreed. By late afternoon, we had fought on a couple of his birthday’s in the past, so I understood his hesitation and worry. I explained how well that we’ve been getting along and that I wanted to be with him and that he said that he was surprised that he agreed to spend it at all with me and his reasoning was because he didn’t want to be alone. He also said, quote, you need to realize my ultimate goal is not to get back together. I’m just doing whatever because I don’t really have a direction anymore. If something sticks, it sticks, but I’m not moving towards anything right now and to quote, didn’t want mostly. Well, there was some awkwardness because of our anxieties, not wanting to relive the past. He is not and has not been in a rebound relationship. Just been on some dates and seen some people casually over the past six months, but I am now hitting a wall with his response if I ask him about it or trying to get him to open up. He gets angry and agitated and shuts down. He’s been difficult to get answers about us or what he wants. I have been empathetic and patient since I started these skills. How do I continue our progress and breakthrough this last bit of reactants without upsetting him or moving backwards. Okay. So his response, which was that he doesn’t have anything that he’s moving towards right now. It really implies that he is not at a place where he’s ready to commit to a relationship where he’s ready to get anything solid down in there. Okay. And it sounds like you were maybe trying to go for like the commitment collaboration conversation or something like that in that moment, which would imply that you thought that he was at new beginnings and clearly he’s not a new beginnings. I think right now he is probably at like a riding the dragon kind of place. Okay. Now he may not seem particularly hot and cold, particularly extreme like you might expect at writing the dragon because he, I’m getting this vibe from him that he’s a pretty mellow, relaxed, chill kind of person. And so his riding the dragon might not be very extreme, but he is doing things like saying, oh no, I don’t really want to get together or I have some hesitation about getting together with you and then, you know, getting together with you anyway. So I think that that might be where he’s at. So what you need to do is focus on continually building the quality connections that you’re having. Okay. If you can continue to build those, then I think you’ll build up some more relational equity. It will base, you know, every time you have like a positive interaction with them, you’re basically like depositing something into like a bank account, but it’s not money in a bank account. It’s like a, it’s like a deposit into a relational equity account that you have between you and him. And the more that you deposit, the more your savings grow over time. And the higher that becomes the, the higher the equity that you have in that relational account becomes the stronger the relationship that you have with him is going to become. Okay. So I don’t think that you’re maybe as far along as I think that you thought that you were. So I would continue to build that up. Okay. I think that he’s probably at writing the dragon. Okay. And so just continue to have high quality interactions with him, continued to flirt with them a little bit, continue to create those emotional connections. And I think that you’ll eventually get to a point where you can have that kind of interaction with him. Okay. Right now he says he doesn’t have a direction right now. He says he doesn’t know where he’s going. He doesn’t know what he wants. And that’s fine. That’s pretty typical of riding the dragon area anyway. So don’t be so caught up on what he says because what he says is based off of where he’s at emotionally, which is, I don’t know what I want and what he wants will start to change once something starts to feel really good. Okay, once something starts to feel really good, he’ll start to move towards that. That’s why you need to focus on having really good quality emotional connections. Okay. Kay, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. From here, our next question is from Aa. Aa says, hi clay. My ex and I have had multiple breakups during four years. Therefore it was hard for me to know if it was real this time, but we’ve been apart for a bit over a year now. Currently a long distance relationship. We’ve been in touch since September of last year, but this year we made a lot of progress. We talked almost daily since April with ups and downs. He expressed feelings for me. We forwarded and had video sex often even though he has been discouraging me a lot in between. We’ve still kept in touch regularly and talked for hours. I thought that we were in phase four, which I’m guessing she means the crisis point. When he sent me a gift in August saying that he kind of loved me and that I said that I was in love with him, well flirting. He asked me to meet up two weeks later, he told me that he wasn’t ready to meet for a relationship and we had to cut contact because he is not well and going on a different path, although later he said that he didn’t want to cut contact but doesn’t want to flirt anymore because it’s something one should do in person. He suffers from depression and anxiety and therefore has some mood swings. He’s started to get better and two weeks ago he moved to another country for his career. The week before he had thought about what we could have done differently in our relationship. After his move, he’s been a bit distant and closed up. We had some good interactions though and I think I reached out too much, so I’ve turned it down a notch. We had a good talk this Saturday and they asked me to talk more the next day. The following day he seemed annoyed and we didn’t have a positive interaction. He called me later and apologized and we managed to have a quite rewarding interaction after all, sharing more personal things again, he said that he’s stressed and has low capacity to talk to anyone, not just me. It’s hard for me not to get affected by his words when he is so low. I don’t know whether or not it’s actually writing the dragon or how he really is. How can I keep us getting closer emotionally and moving forward. Okay. So I would probably guess that it is riding the dragon just because he is going through a lot of changes in his life. He’s moving to another country which probably involves a lot of logistical things such as wrapping up all the loose ends in whatever country he lived in before. A dealing with all of his belongings, packing up some of them, selling others, getting rid of the rest, and then of course moving to another country, getting setup. They’re handling all the logistical things, finding a place to live, a unpacking, going out and buying things that he needs for the new place and all that stuff. Not to mention the work. And all that stuff, and it on top of that, he has anxiety and depression, you know, there’s a lot for him to deal with right there. So given all of those shifts in his life, I would not be surprised if he is at writing a dragon and I wouldn’t be surprised if he is kind of putting the brakes on a lot of his personal relationships, not just with you but with other people, um, as he goes through this transition and as he goes through this transition towards getting his own footing in his new life. So what I would do on when it comes to the emotional connection is, you know, sure, be as connected with him as you can to the degree that it feels good on an emotional level, um, as it seems like you are, but also cut him a little bit of slack, right? Let him come to you sometimes. Let him get his own bearings and find the space and time to come to you when it makes sense for him. Okay. remember that your agenda is not necessarily his agenda and the timeline that you want to get back together on, which is probably like yesterday or as soon as possible, is probably not the timeline that’s going to feel the most emotionally rewarding for him. Okay. Remember, he just is stepping into a new life. He is adapting to a lot of new things right now. He’s going through career changes, country changes, living changes, changes in probably his, his entire environment. Even. So let him adapt. Let him focus on that as, as possible and you know, connect with him on this stuff. Ask Him, you know, what, what’s interesting in the new place that he’s living in, like if he could live anywhere where he’d want to live, what the two of you would do if you were together there, that, that weekend or whatever, just go ahead and start to be curious about his experience and let him tell you more about what’s going on with him on his own terms. Okay? So I hope that helps you out. Aa and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. From here, our next question is from Linea. Linea says, Hi Clay. Thank you for answering my question. In episode number 27, I’m having mixed feelings about my ex being at riding a dragon. It’s my fault because I haven’t been consistently practicing the advanced relational skills. He called me for the first time about two weeks ago because he hurt his hand at work and couldn’t text. Last week he sent me a good morning text. Whenever I go out with somebody, he always asks who I went with. I want to believe that these are signs that he still likes me, but just yesterday he asked me to come pick up my book at his house and I couldn’t because I didn’t have enough money to call an uber there. He didn’t respond. I realized that I’m still in damage control mode and don’t want to lose him because of it. I was wondering if I should do limited, no contact to practice advanced relational skills. I might even need to see a professional, but I don’t have the funds to do that yet. I’ve been attached to outcome and I know that that’s not good and if I want him back, I cried. The thought of losing him for good and I realized that maybe I’m still needy. Even if we were to get back together, he’d break up with me again. How do I change without worrying about losing him in the process? What if it takes a while? Okay, so it. It definitely sounds like you. There is some damage control mode stuff going on there and the important thing here is that you get serious about improving the quality of the interactions that you have, that you get serious about shutting off the BS machine in your mind. Okay? Because these are not helping you. These are not helping you at all. And so if in the past you did sort of a halfhearted ANC or something like that, if you’ve halfheartedly practice the advanced relational skills, now is the time to do it. I don’t know if it means you should do limited contact, no contact, whatever, but you know, the only reason you would do no contact is if you wanted number one and easy stakes situation or context to work on the advanced relational skills. And number two, if interacting with your ex felt bad on an emotional level and was driving the two of you apart. So if that’s happening, then you need to contact your ex even less or even, you know, cut contact entirely until you can interact with your ex and have it feel good on an emotional level. And of course, practice the advanced relational skills everyday on a daily basis are you don’t need to do each one every day, but you know, depending on what the skill is, if it’s something more more big and dramatic than do that one once in a while, but if it’s something small, like striking up a conversation with somebody and, and, and taking an impact that a point of view towards their world and then go ahead and do that one every day. There’s no reason not to do that when every day. but just go ahead and practice the advanced relational skills, do the exercises that we lay out in the course and that’s a great place to start practicing them. Um, if there’s any that you are having difficulty with, you know, by all means, go ahead and reach out to us and contact us and maybe ask a question next week or something like that. But overall what you need to do is you need to get serious about improving the quality of the connection that you are having, the impact that you are having on the interactions with him and take full responsibility for your role in those interactions. Take full responsibility for your role in how you’re bringing yourself to those interactions. And as that happens, you can start to change the dynamic that’s happening there. Okay? You’ll be able to start getting out of damage control mode as you start to work on the advanced relational skills as you start to shut off the pas machine and you’ll be able to actually start to have interaction to feel better on an emotional level. Okay? You won’t start to panic every time. Something that happens, like he says, Hey, I want to give you this book back and you think that it means that the two of you are never going to talk again and that he’s moving on completely, or something like that because that is kind of a stretch. The way that you describe it to me, it seems like a stretch and I would not jump to that conclusion if I were you. So Linea when it comes to holidays, you gotta put in the work. You gotta put in the effort. You got to take time to work on the fundamentals. Okay? There’s no silver bullet. It’s going to do the work for you that’s going to help you skip past the fundamentals and the hard work needed in order to actually create high quality interactions. You just gonna have to put in the work. Take the time to learn the advanced relational skills. Take the time to get good at them. Take time to turn down the volume on your bs machine and that’s when you’ll start to see some real progress. Okay, so I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Okay, and those have been our questions for this week. Once again, thank you so much for submitting those questions. Everybody in the MLA, once again, this has been clay with www.ModernLove.Life. If you have liked this episode of the relationship inner game experience, please go ahead and like this on youtube, subscribe on Youtube, leave a comment down below or subscribe on itunes or leave a review on itunes or head on over to www.ModernLove.Life and feel free to support us by signing up for a course that makes sense for what kind of outcome you want over there and you’re dating or relationship life. Anyway, this has been Clay and I’ll go ahead and talk to you next week. Take care.  


  1. Brenna

    Very helpful as I was caught up in feeling good about my ex always reaching out first Now I’m going to abandon the scorecard and see where it takes me!

    • Mika Terao

      Im happy to hear that this helped you 🙂 Make sure to keep us posted on how things go! Good luck

  2. jaime

    Yes! It’s been hard for me too I m the one who always text her first it’s little nerve racking here and there but it’s had been given me, The chance to reconnect with my wife I think you have to be persistent and give her space too it’s hard. But you have to have patience and tolerance with the one you love

    • Mika Terao

      I agree 100%
      Especially in the early stages when you’re trying to reconnect and build trust. I hope things workout between you and your wife. Best of luck!
      Clay and Mika


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