Getting Personal — And FINALLY Doing What You Told Me To Do

by | 103 comments

If you can’t watch this video right now, you can read the blog post below.

So, on most days, I’ll share advice and strategies for having a great relationship or dating life.

Well, today is going to be a bit different…

You see, today is my birthday (I’m 37, for anyone curious about this…).

And, last weekend, I was spending some time with my wife and baby daughter and some other family who were visiting from out of town.

And it really had me thinking about how much my life has changed, just in the past year (since becoming a dad), let alone the several years since I’ve been helping people with relationships and dating.

And it caused me to actually think about where I want my life to go and what I want to do moving forward.

Me and my daughter a few months ago (her first time at a restaurant… and she found the menu to be extremely amusing…!)

Thinking More About the Future…

Of course, having a baby has been a huge shift in my life this past year, but now that I’m settling back into things after the initial “shock” to my life and adjustment period of becoming a dad has passed (the transition to life with a baby is an unimaginable change! — as anyone out there with kids can probably confirm), I’m left thinking about the future.

I haven’t really talked about this, but around the beginning of this year, I decided to expand the reach of our business, the Modern Love, to impact more people.

That’s why I’ve been doing a lot more things to interact with more people, such as:

…Among many other things.

Sure, as a business owner, I’ve always put in work to grow and improve my business.

But things have seemed quite different over the past few months.

I don’t know… Maybe it’s because I’m sensing that summer is creeping up fast… Maybe it’s because I look at photos of my baby daughter from even just a few months ago, and I’m shocked at how fast she’s growing (and it has me thinking about time)… Maybe it’s because I’m in my “late 30’s” now (It seems like I just turned 30 yesterday!)… Maybe it’s because my wife and I have been thinking about what we want our lives to look like as a family, now that we’re finally settling into a good rhythm with our daughter.

A client and I meeting up for coffee while I was on a business trip in Colorado.

…But this definitely FEELS very different.

I’m serious!

I’m absolutely committed to serving you and helping you have a great relationship and connection with whoever you choose to be in a relationship with.

And it is absolutely heartwarming to get success stories from people who I’ve worked with over the years who have gone on to get married or start families with people who were just inaccessible to them before.

In truth, I can’t take credit for these people’s success, since they obviously did all the work, but to think that I may have played some small role in the process is very humbling.

And I’ve been honored to help people on their journey toward love.

Another client and I getting together in Barcelona

But…

(The Infamous “But”…)

There is one very BIG thing that needs to be addressed, that I’ve been holding back on.

I’m considering stepping into the discomfort and do this, even though it would probably be a LOT of work and take me away from other projects.

But I think it might be time.

And I’m going to need your help and advice on this along the way too.

Anyway, that really BIG thing is…

(…To Be Continued…)

-Clay

PS: I’ll be back in a few days to tell you more, but until then, what are your plans for the summer (or winter if you’re “down under”)? Leave a comment below and let me know.

103 Comments

  1. Jesse

    I’m from the Netherlands, and I’m planning a trip to London with my brother.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      That sounds like a lot of fun! I hope you and your brother have a great experience 🙂

      Reply
      • Jesse

        Thank you! 🙂

        I also want to take the time to ask a question. About 2 months ago my ex sent me a message after 5 months of no contact. But barely 3 messages have been exchanged and she disappeared again. I haven’t heard from her ever since. Any ideas on what’s going on at her end (is this that Test Drive stage)?

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          It’s hard to determine anything without knowing what those 3 messages said. But she very well may be in the Test Drive.

          Reply
          • Jesse

            She sent me two messages at first:

            “Hey.”
            “How are you doing lately, hope everything’s alright.”

            I responded with “Hi. Nice to hear from you, I’m doing pretty well over here. How are you?”

            She told me she was fine and was glad to hear that I was doing ok. I wanted to ask her about school, cause I knew that she had a hard time the last time I talked with her. But ever since then, she disappeared.

          • Clay Andrews

            Jesse, just from these messages, I can imagine that she may have lost interest in the conversation because much of it was un-invested and generic conversation fluff (things like “How are you?” “I am fine.” “That’s good.”). For better or worse, people tend to lose interest in these sorts of conversations (not necessarily losing interest in the person, just the conversation) because there really isn’t anything substantial going on. I’m not saying this to call you out, because in reality, this is a very common problem, and most people are not effective texters. But a better strategy would be to send her more engaging messages… or to share more of yourself and your experience in order to show her that you are invested in the interaction and that it is safe for her to invest as well.

          • Jesse

            I was beginning to suspect that the cultural fluff may have something to do with it. To be honest, when she reached out I was trying my best not to be too invested, because I’ve exhausted all options. She’s been acting like that for over a year, and sometimes I feel that there’s no chance at all to turn anything around. I don’t want to reach out anymore, cause that wouldn’t improve anything (I’ve been chasing for a long time, and I’m tired of it).

          • Clay Andrews

            Yeah, I can understand that. Still though, you want to show that you are invested in the interaction without being needy or desperate. And the key distinction between that is your intentions. If your intention is to gain validation or approval from your ex, then you will come off as needy or desperate no matter how hard you try to hide that intention behind mind games or “faking it till you make it.” If your intention is to simply enjoy yourself, be transparent, and you are 100% okay with however your ex decides to respond, then there is a very spacious quality to your presence that will make your ex feel much more comfortable interacting with you.

          • Jesse

            I still have the ESP course I signed up for a year ago. And in light of my situation, what ARS should I focus on specifically? I feel it’s Composure, cause I feel it’s difficult for me to be 100% myself and enjoy the moment because I tend to protect myself out of fear.

          • Clay Andrews

            Potentially. You have to look at what you’re afraid of. Composure may be the thing to focus on if you simply don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable. If you are having a hard time accepting whatever is happening in the moment and that is driving your fear then Acceptance is probably the place to start.

          • Jesse

            I noticed that I’m more afraid of opening up when I speak with others, especially people I potentially like. Awkward silences scare me, and I seem to be afraid saying the wrong things or not knowing what to say at all. This sounds more like problems with Composure and Communication right?

          • Clay Andrews

            It’s composure if you’re not grounded in yourself and you’re bending to what you think you need to be for others. It’s acceptance if you are trying to make it look or seem a certain way. It may very well be a mix of the two.

  2. Ema

    Reconcile with my ex even though now it seems impossible

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hi Emma, I know that things may seem bleak sometimes, but remember that the path that takes us where we want to go is very rarely a straight line. You never know when the next twist or turn will come…

      Reply
    • “AA”

      Hi Clay!
      Last year I was a member of the mla and esp for about 8months, and I did great progress with my ex, until this Xmas where I found out he’s emotionally unavailable in a long term sense. And learning that has been hard. Anyway.
      Your course, your YouTube videos, your books, and all of your help has been so important to me. It has helped me in a much greater way than expected and I think I’ve improved as a person because of this and what you teach. *still learning though* and I just wanted to say thank you:) I am finally learning to be able to live my life and manage my emotions better.
      As for the summer, I’m keeping things open for now.
      I really resonate with your thoughts about time in general, and changes.
      Can’t wait to read your next post! ❤️

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Thanks so much for sharing AA.I absolutely remember you, and I’m so grateful that I’ve been able to have a positive affect on your life 🙂

        Reply
        • Jason

          Ok my ex want talk to me.. It been 4 years now..no matter what I do nothing.. So I ask her if it over for good…seeing someone else….why is my name and stuff still on her FB..I ask her to removed it not fair to me or new person..no picture of her or new detour guy. Just remember memories of me still after for two I like remove it..u don’t talk to me at all..we have no communication at all.

          Am I over reattacking or is she leaving ot opened for me to get her back..

          Reply
          • Clay Andrews

            I’m not sure what her motives might be for leaving you on her Facebook page. That does seem strange, especially after so much time has passed. Are the two of you still in contact with one another? And if so, what is that connection like?

      • Elena

        I’m from Italy, leaving in Sweden where my ex leaves. I don’t know in which stage we are but since he broke up it’s never felt like a break up. We talk every day, we meet like once per week. And we even made love a couple of times.
        He says he needs time alone cause he can’t handle his feelings and he has a baggage behind, his previous relationships have been tough and actually I don’t know why he can’t appreciate a caring and loving person like him, since his exes were almost psychos.
        Anyway I asked him to take it easier, and it seems what we are doing even if he decided to keep the break up going on. I have a feeling we are not done and we are meant to be. But I don’t know how long it is right for me to wait.
        As for summer, we were supposed to spend it in Italy, I’m going back home anyway but who know what happens until then…
        Thanks for your precious advices, I read your newsletter everyday and find it inspiring.
        Happy birthday 🎂

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Hi Elena, it sounds like your ex is confused about what he wants. He seems to have a lot of positive feelings for you, but he doesn’t feel confident enough about a future together to commit to you. So, with that being said, I would imagine that he must be at either Riding the Dragon… or possibly even Crisis Point.

          Reply
    • Jason

      Nothing impossible if there worth to you don’t giveup.

      My ex seeing someone or I sure itba rebound..not sure..we together 7 years and i want quit..

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        You are right, Jason, I know better than to write off anyone. I’ve seen too many situations that I personally though would have been impossible, but then the person involved found a way to keep going and they got back together with their ex. I recently started reading the Miracle Equation by Hal Elrod and it’s looking to be a very motivating book.

        Reply
  3. Jan Scout

    Finishing my training to be a mindfulness coach at Benson Henry Institute, continuing my reiki practice, moving to the woods, working with my management group, waiting for my quiet professional to return, rucking, lol. Loving life and yes working as a solution consultant

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Wow! Jan, that sure sounds like you’ve got a lot of things going on in life right now. Those all sound like amazing things to work toward!

      Reply
    • Sherlin

      Happy Birthday Clay, actually i kinda surprise, you are a Taurus! same like me, my birthday was on 22 April!
      i’m from Indonesia, stay in Taiwan, gonna have my first internship in a wedding gown company this summer, and getting closer to my dream ☺️

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Hi Sherlin, ha ha! I’m not much for astrology myself, but I do have to admit that I can be very stubborn at times (which is a characteristic of a Taurus). Thanks for commenting. I love Taiwan. I was there in 2015, and I loved taking the gondola up to Maokong. There was a beautiful temple up there with an amazing view of the city!

        Reply
      • Melanie Ponce

        I was part of ex solutions a few years ago. I got my ex back – twice – thanks to your program.

        We have permanently gone our separate ways since then because he has issues that he doesn’t want to resolve. I am finally at peace with the outcome.

        I had to take this opportunity to tell you how much the program helped me to improve myself and my whole life! It isn’t only about getting your ex back.

        I started my own business on Etsy this past year which is something I was too “afraid” to do before.

        I just want to say THANK YOU to you, Mika and your whole staff (especially Francis). I hope you are all doing well and happy birthday! Congrats on your beautiful daughter.

        Love, MelanieP

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Wow! Melanie, what sort of store do you have on Etsy? I’ve been known to buy a few things from Etsy over the years… 🙂

          Reply
        • Mika

          I definitely remember you, Melanie! I’m so thrilled to see your update and that you were able to let go of a relationship that wasn’t working for you–that takes courage and I’m so proud of you! Congratulations on embracing your fear and opening up your Etsy store! Much love. xx.

          Reply
  4. Kyle Fogle

    Happy Birthday! Honestly growing up I never really felt a huge deal about my birthday skipped out on it most years. I realize now that I should really celebrate it. It’s the whole reason I’m here and that actually means something to me now! As for summer plans I might visit family. Other than that I’m working on saving up a bunch of money to attend Cortiva massage therapy school in Seattle. Hope you have a great birthday!
    -Kyle (AKA LanceHawk)

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Wait… You’re “Lance”? No way! Anyway, yeah, I know what you mean about birthdays. It’s kind of strange though. Now that I’m a father, the whole idea of a “birthday” takes on new meaning. Just thinking about my daughter’s first birthday in a few months, makes me feel nostalgic… And I only imagine it’s going to become more intense, the older that she gets.

      Reply
      • Kyle Fogle

        I got a shout out in today’s stream! I know how celebrating a kids birthday is like. My Ex had to and I love them like my own. I stressed out trying to make every party the absolute best I could. Then I realized the best gift I could give them was being there. Not seeing them as often as I used to honestly hurts more than the actual breakup. I know you can handle this remember it’s an adventure not a mission. 🙂

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Yeah, especially when kids are young, I think being present with them is the best thing you can do. Unfortunately, I see so many people with kids zoned out on their phones. And I get it, being a parent is exhausting at times. But it’s a struggle between doing what is easy in the moment (zoning out), and making the hard choices for the long run (putting the phone down, summoning up one last burst of energy and getting down on your hands and knees to play with the kid). It’s tough in the moment, but it becomes an easy choice when you realize that your legacy is built in the small moments you share with them.

          Reply
    • Ogechukwu

      Hello Clay, you’ve been amazing, thanks for being here. I got into a relationship with a guy who told my cousin’s wife that he needed a wife. Such arrangements are common in the part of the world where I came from.
      We got on well and laughed a lot, but I expected him to pop up the big question after 5months but he didn’t. He asked him what he wanted from a couple of times but he kept saying that I should allow things to happen naturally and that made me uncomfortable. His attitude towards me changed after he went on a three weeks holiday in Europe and London. He was still calling and texting but I felt we were drifting apart. So I called for a break to enable us ponder on what we have shared and decide if we should continue. I told him that he should take the decision cos a man should be in charge of the relationship. He accepted the break idea but proposed that we still communicate and visit each other cos we live in different cities. I didn’t respond to that though, cos my intentions is to start a no contact with him. I never called nor wrote, but he kept on calling my phone. I refused to answer until he wrote me on whatsapp saying “babe ur not picking my calls”. I responded and said ” please don’t call anymore until you are ready to define the relationship. Tell me what you want from me ” he responded by saying “so I shouldn’t call unless I’m ready to talk marriage ? That’s sounds commanding”. In response to that I said ” I just want to know the type of babe I am to you. I need to know cos I want to take up the responsibility “. He stopped calling but writes sometimes. He sent me a birthday message on my birthday and promised that we will celebrate it anytime we see. But I didn’t send him any message on his birthday. We were in no contact for three weeks after he sent an invite for his grandma’s funeral service. I responded to the message but didn’t attend the funeral. Though I wrote him after 5days , apologising for not have attended. He responded immediately saying that he actually expected but guessed it was not convenient for me. And went further to ask hope you’re doing great? And repeated the question after 30mins, but I didn’t respond to them. I still want him back fully back but want him to lead the way. He’s kinda stubborn, doesn’t do things bcos you want him to. So you think he still loves and want me? Am I on the right track and what should I do more? Thanks

      Reply
  5. Don Moss

    Looking forward to a nice holiday in the Caribbean. Just to add that even though I broke every rule in trying to get my ex back (which hasn’t happened 4 years on), I found your advice was just what I needed and excellent regardless. I have reinvented myself from the ground up and I’m happy with how I now feel about myself, positive and not worrying about what could have been. It took some time, but I no longer have my ex sitting on that pedestal. More importantly, I’ve learned to forgive myself (and my ex) and invest in whatever the future holds.

    Looking forward to your next update 🙂

    Best wishes,
    Don

    Thank you all for your support.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      That’s great to hear, Don! I’m glad that you’ve been able to put yourself and your life in a much better place. Forgiving yourself can be hard, definitely. But when you’re able to accept the past and whatever role you played, you’re completely free to create a new future for yourself. Enjoy the Caribbean 🙂

      Reply
  6. Jonathan

    I’m new to your classses. I’m 38 and still trying to get my first love experience from a woman to work out right. It takes me many years to find and build the attraction and respect and desire for a woman, and I don’t want to let go of the last one who left me in November because she was so special and I had 6 years of desire built for her. I’m curious about the new direction your going… it must be spiritual or deeper than what you’ve shared already. Hopefully it’s more quality tha quantity based… I am so enlightened to hear what you have to say about restoring relationships and am glad you framed out this structure and process to share in a loving way. God bless you -Jonathan

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you so much for sharing and commenting, Jonathan! It’s true that I have been on a spiritual journey of sorts since the beginning of this year. It’s helped to guide me and show me what my next steps are. And I hope that what I plan on sharing in a few days will be in alignment with all of that.

      Reply
  7. Yvonne

    I was diagnosed with Stage 2 Invasive Breast Cancer a couple of months ago. I’ve had 2 surgeries and I start radiation treatment tomorrow. I should be finished by the end of June and so my summer plan is to CELEBRATE! I’m very lucky that it was caught early (by my yearly checkup and mammogram) so I won’t need to have chemo.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Oh wow! I’m sorry to hear about the cancer, but I’m glad that they caught it early and that it seems like it won’t be too difficult to remove. Wishing you the best in your recovery and I hope you have an excellent celebration with a clean bill of health this summer!

      Reply
  8. Mae

    Hi Clay because of the advice you gave me in your classes about getting your ex back I got the courage to ask about a transfer/promotion at work. Also, I learned that my ex and I are both emotionally unaviable and I am gonna take the time and work on myself to fix that. So thank you so much.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello, Mae! Thanks for taking the time to comment. I’m glad that you were able to advance in your career because of what you learned 🙂

      Reply
  9. Katie Stephenson

    Happy birthday Clay! Just followed you on Instagram lol.
    I’m going home to Michigan for a week. New Jersey for a long weekend and Iceland in September! Very excited.
    PS I totally know where that spot in Colorado is, in that picture! Next time you’re in Colorado I’d love to meet up!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hi Katie, yeah, that was a coffee shop somewhere in the historic downtown area. I can’t remember the name though… It was pretty nice. Thanks for following me on Instagram. I’ll try to start posting regularly soon enough… 🙂 And I hope you enjoy all your travels!

      Reply
  10. Judy

    Happy Birthday, Clay!
    Congratulations on your beautiful daughter!
    You look much younger than 37, you’re lucky on that.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Ha ha! Thanks Judy! People used to tell me that I looked younger than I am all the time, but I think it’s stopped for the most part now that I’m ragged and sleep deprived #babylife

      Reply
  11. Kyle

    I’m going to work on trying to get my ex back and keep working on the changes that I needed to be made for myself and for her

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      That’s great! Remember that the purpose of a goal is in becoming the type of person you need to become in order to achieve it.

      Reply
    • Alan

      Hi Clay, happy birthday, your daughter looks lovely with a cheeky smile 😊. I’d like to say thank you Clay, I only receive your newsletter, not had the pleasure of one of your courses, yet. I’d like to say the advice in your newletters gives me confidence in who an what I am now and for this summer is continuing to show my ex who that person actually is, an that it is not just me missing out on what would be something special. It has been, and I have worked so hard to be who I am now and I’m not giving up trying to live my life with her as planned, only so much better for what’s happened between us. So Clay thank very much.

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Alan, thanks so much for sharing this! I’m glad that you’re taking your life in a positive direction! So many people don’t do this after a breakup, but I’m glad that you’re using this as a powerful catalyst for growth in your life!

        Reply
        • Alan

          Hiya Clay, thanks for your comment, thanks for everything really. Yeah it took me a while I made some mistakes but after the realisation of the situation and cleaning myself of prescribed medication everything became so much clearer, may I add harder to start with but then it was time to win back the love of my life because she is, things are so much better between us but no commitment just if it happens it happens, of us getting back together. Walls started to come down an then stopped an recently after 12 months I feel they are coming down again after a recent talk of what happened. Can I add a note to everyone trying to win there ex’s back, if he or she is THE one then YOU do whatever to change the problems that split you up no matter how hard or long and the chances are that it will be very hard and long but with the greatest reward at the end. Good luck everyone. Clay, thank you very much you seem to have a life that most people would be more than happy to have. Thank you…. Alan

          Reply
          • Clay Andrews

            Thanks Alan, It think it’s important to notice that your ex opening back up to you hasn’t been a linear process. It takes time to rebuild the trust needed to open up again fully.

  12. Rachael Priddle

    I think I have to try and let go from him as his depression is making it too hard. I can’t even connect anymore as his behaviours are just not the same as my morals..
    How can someone still love you and then text someone else? Or meet someone else? I think it’s a selfish person using depression as an excuse.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Rachael, I’m sorry to hear that your ex isn’t treating you the way you would like. But you don’t have to settle for that kind of behavior if it isn’t what you’re looking for in a relationship or a partner. If you don’t want to be with a depressed person, you don’t have to be. You can feel for him, you can have compassion for him, but if he is unable or unwilling to give you what you want in a relationship, then you don’t need to try to have a relationship with him.

      Reply
      • Rachael Priddle

        Thanks Clay. I’m currently reading all your books and they are really helping me. I don’t want to settle anymore, I want someone to love me for who I am. Thank you for taking the time out to reply to me. Means a lot. Hi from cold but sunny UK xx

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Rachael, thanks so much for sharing that. That really makes my day! (And I know what you mean about the weather… I’m from Seattle, which people say has very similar weather to the UK)

          Reply
  13. Ady

    I hope your ok in yourself?
    You help so many others yet I sense some uncertainty and upset/confusion in your whole demeanour. I’m not in a good place losing wife due to depression and medication making me act different. She has gone into a rebound and I can’t shake away the pain of wanting her back. It’s been 11 weeks and have changed so much for the better. Had some good things from her perspective complimenting me, dialogue every day. Spent bits of time with her yet the rebound seems too real to me and I feel lost

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hi, Ady, I definitely am facing some uncertainty, but I’m not upset at all. Thanks for your concern 🙂 About your wife, how can you be so sure that her rebound is “too real” after only 11 weeks? That’s really not that long in the big scheme of things. And it’s certainly not long enough to indicate that the relationship is anything other than a rebound.

      Reply
    • Rachael Priddle

      Hi Ady. I’m sorry to hear that. I have been suffering with this and his depression for years and still he won’t seek counselling. Instead the medication is all he has and that doesn’t stop him from cheating.. just remember- it’s not you, it’s the disease

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Remember that depression or any other condition your ex may be dealing with is not a free pass for them to do whatever they want, such as cheating. If cheating is not okay with you, then you do not need to put up with it simply because he is depressed.

        Reply
  14. Mark

    My girlfriend has broken up with me 4.5 weeks ago after a relationship of 7 years. We both dont use social media, everything we shared was through a groupapp with my friends. Now the issue is she is still in that app. She doesnt really check whatsapp, often for 2 to 4 days she doesnt even look on it. Since basically her entire social life was through me. Now Im doing no contact for over 2.5 weeks now, but I wonder if I should ask my friend to kick her out of the groupapp. In some way I think its up to her to leave, but I do wonder why she stays in there. Isnt really to keep a tap on me, since she doesnt check daily. But I can see she still reads the messages when she looks… Maybe Im overthinking, its just getting awkward for everyone at this point, but they wont kick her unless I give green light for that. Any advice?

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Do you want to kick her out? If you want to kick her out, and if you are okay with the consequences (such as hurting her feelings), then kick her out.

      Reply
      • Mark

        No I actually don’t want to kick her out and don’t want to hurt her feelings. I’m just thinking that maybe its better to show that I’ve moved on, but on the other hand that might just be playing mind games.

        I’m personally fine with it, allthough it might be giving me false hope, but to me it just means that there must be some ‘unfinished business’ for her or at least that she still cares somewhat for what I’m up to.

        But since I’m in no contact it might be hurting my changes to keep her sort of up to date indirectly of my life. It kinda takes away the mysterious part of what I’m up to.

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          If having her as part of the group is holding you back in any way in your life, you can always contact her and tell her something to the effect of, “Hey, I know that you’re a part of this group message. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but I’d like to at least temporarily remove you from that group so that I can focus on moving on from our breakup. I’m not trying to exclude you from my life. I just really need to focus on me. I promise I’ll get back in touch with you once I’m in a better place emotionally.”

          Reply
          • Mark

            Ok thanks for the advice, but wouldnt that be me breaking no contact. Im in 2.5 weeks and finally losing the urge to send her something. Dont know if Im ready to send such a message if she response in a way that might give me a reason to text back again. Just afraid to start that conversation at this time, since it might undo a lot of the progress Ive made the last 2 weeks.

            Guess Im just scared she will actually send something like ‘I miss you’ and I know Im not ready to proceed into the other steps yet. Im afraid I would again respond to needy or to emotionally attached and then feel heart broken again if she pulls back again after a few days.

            Weirdly enough I think I could handle a cold response, but last time she was a bit between the wall of reactance and riding the dragon and so I went into no contact because I know Im not ready to ride the freaking dragon right now.

          • Clay Andrews

            Yeah, I think it’s fine to simply respond with something like, “Hey, that’s for replying. I’m not really emotionally ready to have this kind of conversation with you right now. I hope you can understand. I’ll get back in touch once I am.” I know that there are a lot of schools of thought on “no contact” that treat it as some sort of mind game (it won’t work if your ex knows what’s going on in your life), but that’s really not a very long-term effective strategy. What matters more is what you are doing during no contact in order to position yourself to make the interactions between you and your ex better once you do get back in contact… not masking yourself in mystery.

  15. Ivy

    Hi Clay! Well, I just wish to get him back into my life though.

    Anyway, Asia is all about summer all year long so yeah LOL.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Ha ha! Yeah, SE Asia is crazy hot! I spent several months there a few years ago, and it can really be hard!

      Reply
  16. Jennifer Ryan

    I’m working on getting back with my ex , while making myself a more positive & happier person ! I am going to Ocean City ( l live in MD ) and Las Vegas with my Daughter !

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      How strange, my wife and I were just talking about Ocean City, MD a few days ago (we’ve always wanted to live in a seaside town somewhere, but the west coast seems dangerous because of earthquake risks…).

      Reply
  17. Els

    still very grateful for the E.S.P. – reading ‘Be loved for who you are’ : it helps me to stay focused

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Els! I’m glad you like that book. I still need to get that published as a physical book.

      Reply
  18. Ivan

    Clay first I want to congratulate you for becoming a father to a beautiful girl.
    We all dream of leaving a good boy he just don’t know how to apply it or don’t have enough information to do it. Yes ,we do create our own reality .I’m so glad that you shared tools to heal and handle stress it’s something that we all have to deal with. Our anxiety and stress can be our best friends if we learn how to properly deal with them! When we have the right tools to work through the pain in your life it can be your launch paid for success. Thank you for your help about the relationship advice I hope we hear more from you in the future in different areas of life. Whatever you do it will have a great impact in peoples life.

    Reply
    • Ivan

      Sorry I meant good life

      Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Ivan, yes, something like a breakup, though painful in the moment, can absolutely propel you toward a much better life if you know how to leverage it the right way.

      Reply
  19. Jon

    Hi Clay, always look forward to your advice. I’m certainly on the road to getting back with my ex wife. Wish you were more accessible. Anyway best of luck from me in the uk. Jon

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Jon, I may be more accessible in the near future… 😉

      Reply
  20. Patty

    Going on a 4 month trip. Lebanon, Greece, Ireland. Part of this trip is to reach my husbands heart. His sister has contacted me saying he’s not doing well. I’m scared but need to try. This really isn’t the forum, so I just wanted to thank you for all you do. Your family is sweet. Thanks

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for sharing Patty. Yeah, it’s worth it to try for the things that are important for you in life. After all, when you reach the end of your life, would you rather know you did your best… or that you played it safe?

      Reply
    • Ross

      Your view on relationships has helped a great deal. I have been working on getting back together with my ex for nine months now. We still communicate even though she is currently with someone else. She will tell me that she does think we will get back together but says she doesn’t know when? I keep working on the connection between us. I believe we will also! Just hope that I am not being played. Thanks for your insight.

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Ross, if your ex thinks that the two of you will get back together at some point, then the relationship she has with someone else must be pretty disappointing. I don’t know your ex, but most people in her position wouldn’t go out of their way to “play” someone like that. My experience is that most people are trying to do their best and live lives that they can be proud of. So, I think she genuinely feels that way. The real question is why is she staying in an unsatisfying relationship? And what would it take for her to see being with you as the better option (enough to actually act on)?

        Reply
        • Ross

          I appreciate your thoughts on this. It’s been a rough ride. I truly believe in positive thinking. I feel she didn’t feel I was completely committed for some reason. We are in are mid fifties. We didn’t live together, but seen each other on the weekends. We traveled regularly in the four and a half years we were together. I guess time will tell. Look forward to your videos. All the best!

          Reply
          • Clay Andrews

            Ross, thanks for the encouragement. Is there some reason that you can think of as to why she might believe that you weren’t committed? That may very well be the key to changing things around…

  21. JMR

    Hi Clay,

    Happy Birthday and what a beautiful family, you are blessed. My plans were/are to continue to grow spiritually and emotionally, road trip with family and working on my relationship. However I am at the point where I will be putting the last aside for awhile I think, midlife crisis and depression has a strong hold and all I can do is move forward for myself and my family and hope the partner catches up some day. Either way it’s time to move forward

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      JMR, I don’t have any experience with mid-life crises, but I’ve always heard that it’s a realization that you aren’t going to live forever, and that you aren’t currently on track to do all the things you hoped in the back of your mind to do in your life. It’s kind of a grasp at regaining the feeling of being alive and inspired. If that’s the case, then I hope that you deal with this chapter of your life in a productive way that benefits you and helps you become the person that you want to be.

      Reply
  22. Shiquana Houston

    Hi clay I want to first start by saying I really enjoy watching your YouTube channel it has helped me a lot I was with my ex for 10 years we share an 3 year old son he leaves in Florida and I live in Missouri we constantly have debates because I’m not willing to send our son to Florida it’s an comfort thing for me I’m just nervous about having him gone for so long I want to work on us but he says he’s not willing to unless he starts to have the time he needs with our son just last month he was telling me How he misses me and really love me but last week he told me that guys say what things to get what they want and im so confused and hurt because now I don’t know if he’s being genuine he always ask for my help financially and I help when I can one minute I think we have an future and the next I’m not sure any suggestions

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Shinquana, I can’t imagine how hard it must be, trying to think about sending your son away to Florida. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand a mother’s bond with her child, but I know it must be hard to even consider sending away your child, who you literally grew in your body and nurtured for the past 3 years. It’s also unfortunate that it seems that your ex is using your son as some sort of bargaining chip in working on your relationship. Underneath that though, I sensing that there’s a fundamental lack of trust between you and your ex. And that the two of you may be struggling to move forward until you can learn to trust one another.

      Reply
      • Shiquana

        Yes clay there’s trust issues and something are from when we were younger he hurt me a lot and I never fully forgave him until after the breakup there are periods of times when I take our son down to Florida to visit him when I can and I keep him in tuned with our son on an daily we talk all the times sometimes he will call just to see how I am or what I’m doing or to call and check up on our son our communication has gotten better since the breakup it’s just the one part where we are stuck and I don’t know how to get over that hump the attraction is there the chemistry is there the communication is there

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          What do you think it would take for you to be open to rebuilding the trust between the two of you? If you started trusting him more, do you think that he would trust you more?

          Reply
          • Shiquana

            I’ve suggested If he comes to visit his home state sometimes to see our son I will start allowing our son to come there but he hasn’t he was just in an relationship I believe an rebound but not 100% sure he told me they broke up a few weeks ago it’s been complicated I have an feeling it will work all out I’m just not sure if it will it looks hopeless do you think it’s hopeless? I know that he wants that relationship and I’m not trying to take that from him it’s just unfortunate we live in two different states my hope is we can come together and raise our son together

  23. Habibah

    I m scared you stop what you do.. but the most important is you

    I can not express all what I feel, wish I can bring you back what you brought and bring me in my life..

    Much love 🙂

    Habibah

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you Habibah. Don’t worry, I don’t plan on stopping any time soon 🙂

      Reply
  24. Maryann

    Dear Clay,

    Thank you for opening up and sharing so much with us.

    And happy belated birthday! I’m very late at the party… because something amazing landed in me a little over a month ago (around Spring) and it has taken up a tremendous part of my attention and devotion (yes, it’s in the spiritual area).

    You seem to be doing so much already, I find it difficult to relate when you express the desire to do more!! I admit you mentioned the possibility of moving “away from other projects,” should you start (or resume) a new chapter of your work life. Maybe I can’t relate because, especially now, I want to spend a lot of my time praying and meditating… 🙂

    Whatever you choose to pursue, I wish you a lot of fun and success!!

    Maryann xox

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Maryann, I hope that your spiritual journey takes you where you need to go. I started a spiritual journey of my own around the beginning of the year, and today I’m just floored at the path that continues to reveal itself and clarify itself every day.

      Reply
  25. Alexis Aguilar

    Hey Clay, Me and my ex broke up 6 months ago and have not talk to her since but she texted me because she needed to talk with someone. she was passing through a rough time she does trust me with all her things and all her family loves me because I respected her and family. When I went to her house to talk to her dad about a part I needed for my car everyone came out of her house to tell me “Hi how are you doing?” like every single family member of her it’s been a long time since they saw me and when I left like 5 seconds of her house she texted me 3 times saying “Hey” “What the hell” “Not a even a hi okay okay” so I was like shocked that she texted me then I called her what happened she told me nothing and I told her I’m outside your house come out and we talk for a while. She was shocked of my change because I started working out since the breakup happened so I did loose a lot of weight and she told wow you look so skinny calm down in a laughing manner & I told her I love myself and I needed a change to love myself a lot more & She started to ask me questions “ how is your family doing?” And “How have you been?” And some other questions. She reacted to my sister picture in Facebook long time she did not reacted to any of my family members pictures & I feel like she doing the same things I did when we broke up she told me also text me or call me if you want because she knows that i am very busy in my work I rarely have some time to talk to her & So do you think these are good signs of me getting back together or no? And what should I do to keep this momentum going? And also she has been reaching out to my family when they post things about me in Snapchat while she in a rebound relationship Please help me out

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      She seems interested. The real question is where is the emotional connection between the two of you and what are you doing to continue building that emotional connection?

      Reply
  26. Cat

    Hi Clay I love my birthday. Its a time to celebrate my self and even if for many years except for 2016 when i became 26..I really enjoyed that one. I was finally free of so many thoughts and close to my family we were all on holiday and it made me reflect that I wanted every birthday to be like that. But not always was it like this.
    But for me new years my birthday is a time to spend thinking about the whole year and how you want to shift your angry every year in achieving better things.
    I just wanted to let you know that when everything seems to be going fine your love life your work and actually the person your with is evolving with you it is the best feeling ever. I know what you mean. And putting that energy into helping people save their love lives and make them better and help them achieve what they have deep down in their heart is beautiful.
    I just wish that the person i still care about so much the person I saw my future with could be stil with me today. I would be the happiest person on this earth. But inside Im trying my best to get over this break up and I feel like crying now!! Because I cannot do anything anymore to mean things.
    This always happened to me and this time I really thought it was going to be my story.
    Anyways I wish you a very happy birthday! all the best your baby is beautiful. And the magic that kids bring into your life is a gift from above. Enjoy.

    Reply
    • cat

      energy every year in achieving better things
      energy sorry shifting your energy…not angry ahahaha

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Ha ha! It took me a minute to piece that together 🙂

        Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for sharing your story, Cat. I can tell you’re a very thoughtful person, and even though you may not be with the person that you love right now, a considerate person such as yourself is probably not the type of person who would be single for long.

      Reply
  27. Rainz

    Hey clay
    I need advice my ex accepted that we can get back together we did that but after a week he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship then he ended the relationship…
    What am I suppose to do now.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hi Rainz, I know that things can seem really confusing when something like this happens. My question is, did you and him slip back into the same old habits that you had when you were together originally? If so, then he may have believed that he was walking back into the same relationship that he walked out of in the first place. If you’re interested in getting some extra help, make sure you’re on the interest list. I’ll be making an announcement to that interest list soon.

      Reply
  28. Piyush

    Hey Clay,

    Belated wishes!!!

    Regards,
    Piyush

    Reply

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  1. I Need Your Advice (PLEASE) - Modern Love - […] In case you’re wondering, this is a followup to this post that I made a few days ago, which,…

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