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Among one of the many myths in the dating world, one that takes women over the edge is when a man doesn’t take initiative to approach them. We as women have been programmed to think that it’s a man’s duty to always call first, to ask us out first and/or to text us first.

We’ve all been told that it’s the man’s duty to chase the women. A woman’s place is to be the object of his desires and therefore should never do the initiating… and god forbid if you do that because it’s the man’s duty after all… right? What I find inherently wrong with this mentality is that it dehumanizes people and takes away the power they hold over themselves. It causes us to feel worthy based on someone else’s perception of us. It makes us want to be validated in order to feel that we are lovable. In that sense we become our fragile egos- that needs constant elating. It also implies that both men and women in the dating world are only interested in playing games. It gives us the idea that we all need to play games to make people fall in love with us.

Of course what we’re talking here today isn’t just applicable to men its applicable to everyone. We’ve all at some point or the other felt that we need win someone’s love and affection. We have all felt like they are the trophy that needed to be won, and that in turn would validate our worth, that it would in some way make us happy…. That’s why this whole idea of being chased so important to us. We want to feel validated that we are somehow worth of being pursued. To cave in and text first means it undermines our value as human beings and we become worthless in someone else’s eyes.

If our main focus in any relationship is keeping score on who texts first, who calls first, who asked out who first, then we’re not focusing on the essence of the relationship. We are not focusing our energy on what truly matters. We’re not cultivating an emotional connection. It’s when the emotional connection is weak that we focus on other things to feel validated. That’s why we look for signs that our relationship is stable, or progressing or he’s interested in me etc etc.

When I look at my past relationships I have often found myself keeping such score. Now that I look at it objectively, I understand my reasons for doing what I did and feeling the way I did. I understand why I wanted him to text me first, or call me or arrange a date with me FIRST. I needed him to do all the initiating. I needed him to initiate because I felt deeply unhappy with the overall state of my relationship (or the lack of it to be honest)… We didn’t have a strong emotional connection. Most of our communication was restricted to cryptic texts and IMs that didn’t go beyond the surface. I knew the relationship wasn’t progressing and that frustrated me. I wanted signs that it was going forward in some way. So I tried using these superficial things to keep score of how well my relationship was progressing with him. It at first started with keep track of how many times he messaged me first and how many times I messaged him first. Even when we were messaging back and forth I was always on pins and needles wondering when he would send his next reply. When the communication wasn’t happening often enough I had to find some other way to know he liked me (Oh! Why or Why doesn’t he like me?! He has to like me, he did after all text me first the other day!).

Then it slowly progressed to me using social media as an outlet for my frustration. I was basically so starved for his validation that I was using his likes of my statuses and pictures to feel that he was still interested in me. Before long I found myself addicted to facebook just waiting for him to respond to me in some way. Of course I never contacted him first or liked his statuses or directly try to engage with him (“Let him do the initiating” I thought it is HIS job after all!). All the while I was waiting for him to “cave in” and text me I was wracking my brains out trying to find ways to get him to talk to me. Although I didn’t want to seem desperate in his eyes, I was desperate for his attention. I was acting from a place of desperation and it was because I was needy. We always think neediness is some overt behavior like stalking your ex-boyfriend or texting like a million times a day. It’s not…

What we don’t realize is that neediness is a mindset and keeping score of who texts first or who calls who first is just the tip of the ice berg. It’s a manifestation of something deeply unsettling within you. When you feel this compulsion to keep score ask yourself, what’s causing it. Listen to that feeling of discomfort within you. Because it underlines something important that needs to be addressed.  Maybe it’s got to do with your own insecurities- maybe it’s how you feel about yourself and your outlook on the world and your partner and your relationship that needs changing. Maybe it’s something about the relationship or your partner that feel doesn’t right to you… Maybe it’s your subconscious telling you that your partner or this relationship isn’t fulfilling your emotional needs. If your partner is inherently someone who is passive (not in to texting first or calling first or arranging dates) and that is something you can’t accept about them, then it’s something you need to think about. You have to be able to accept that about your partner if you’re looking to be with them long term. You have to accept them for who they are at this moment.

That being said, there is nothing wrong with picking up the phone and sending that text to your beloved. Some people are very passive, and some people are shy. Some guys just need a little push to open up. It’s okay to take that chance. Even if they don’t respond at least you know right? It’s better than waiting on them to initiate all the time. Waiting on them to initiate all the time could even lead them to think that you’re not interested in them or invested in the relationship.

In my relationship with my ex for instance, all that worrying ultimately turned out to be for nothing because we lacked a strong emotional connection. So I needed to feel that sense of security through other things. Things that focused on the quantity of our interactions rather than the quality of it. When I first started getting to know my husband as a friend, we had such a strong emotional connection that it didn’t matter who texted who first. If my memory serves me right, I was the one who first texted him after that fateful day when we met. If you cultivate a strong enough emotional connection, there will be no room for questions about “is he/she interested in me?” You will know that your connection goes beyond superficial things like how many texts were exchanged, and how often he/ she initiated. I’m glad I took that chance to talk to him. I’m glad I took that chance to text him first.

You never know what adventures await you but only if you take the initiative to step out of your comfort zone. As long as you limit yourself to what feels safe and what feels comfortable you will not allow room to learn and grow. Learning is important and growth is important if we are to succeed in life. So don’t hesitate to break away from what’s holding you back. Learn to embrace uncertainty in life. Only certain thing in life is uncertainty, and by learning to be okay with it, we learn to make peace with the unknown. Its only when we give up the control we have over everything besides ourselves, that we can take control of what’s within us. That’s when we can control our emotions, thoughts and actions. By learning to respond to situations instead of reacting we stop becoming victims to circumstances outside of us. That’s what ARS is about. That’s what ARS ultimately is. That’s where it all connects.

I hope this week’s blog helped you in some way, and if you have any comments and thoughts you would like to share with us, please do leave a response and I will try my best to get back to all of you!

Check out this week’s episode here

He never texts me first! Are you keeping score in your relationship? RIG [29]
Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience this week in the relationship inner game experience we’re going to be talking about when a guy never texts you first, but he always responds when you text him first. Okay? And this is mostly directed at women, but men experienced this too, but I just, through my work I’ve noticed that really by far and large, mostly it’s women that are asking about this and wanting to know why the other person never text them first and, but will respond if they text them. Okay. And I believe that is primarily because women are accustomed to letting the man take the lead. And so it’s kind of disturbing for a lot of women when he’s not taking the lead, but it also does happen between men and women the other way around as well too. So let’s go ahead and get into this. There’s a couple of different things that could be happening when he’s not texting you first. Okay? Number one is, in all honesty, he might just not be interested in you. You know, he’s not seriously interested in dating you or something like that and you know, he, he might actually be out there pursuing other women and he just kinda likes hearing from you from time to time because it kind of boosts up his self esteem and he thinks, yeah, I’m like really hot because, you know, there’s this girl who keeps texting me and it’s boosting up his self esteem so we can go out there and approach other women and go after other women and all of that stuff. it’s unfortunate, but it’s true, you know, it’s not outside the realm of possibility that that could be the case. The other thing that might be happening, thing number two is that he could just be a shy person, right? He could just be very shy. He doesn’t feel comfortable initiating things and taking the lead. And I remember he even would want to do that, but he’s, he’s just kind of worried that he’s going to screw it up. You know, he, he doesn’t, he’s not very certain that you like him and because he’s not certain he’s, he’s, he’s putting off texting you, he’s putting off texting because he’s like, well, you know, what do I do if she doesn’t like me? I have to think up the perfect text message. I have to come up with the right thing to say. I have to make sure I’ve got my plan figured out. I have to make sure I’ve got the right date figured out after, make sure I know how to talk to her. So I come across as charming and charismatic and all that stuff. So that could be happening. He’s just kind of procrastinating a little bit because he thinks he needs to prepare more. and he might actually really like you. That’s another possibility. Another thing is that he might just be on the passive side of things. Now, I know that most men have this reputation of being, you know, aggressive. They go after what they want. If they want to, women, if they want to text them, if they want to go out on a date with a woman, they will take the lead, they’ll text or they’ll call her, they’ll say, hey, are you free on Saturday night? Let’s go to this place or something like that. However, that is not the case with every single man. Some men are just passive either because they don’t feel comfortable stepping into their masculinity or maybe they just happened to be just more passive and that’s just their nature. Right? And if that is the case, then you have to accept that this is a passive guy. You’re probably not going to change him unless he wants to become more of an active, a proactive kind of person. So you’re going to have to accept that that’s the way he is. I mean, he might be shy like we talked about a moment ago and once he really knows that you like him, he’ll take more of the lead. But if he’s just a shy person, if he’s just a passive person rather than, you’re going to have to be okay with that. And say, okay, I am okay with this being a passive person and I’m okay to initiate more than he does. Or you have to say no, I want somebody who’s gonna initiate. I want somebody who I’m not going to have to do most of the work to get the ball rolling. And so say, Hey, you know, you’re a nice person, but I really want somebody more proactive. So Hasta la vista, baby or something like that. Okay. another possibility that might be going on is that he could just be really busy. He could just have a lot of stress going on in his life when there’s a whole lot of things going on in a guy’s life. Maybe some kind of deadline with work or school or, or some sort of crazy stress in his life. Family drama. I don’t know. A lot of his emotional bandwidth could just be taken up by that. And so he doesn’t feel that he can be 100 percent present with you. So he doesn’t want to start that conversation with you. It doesn’t want to start things down that road because he knows he’s not going to be able to be there for the full conversation. He’s knows he’s not going to be able to actually follow through and be 100 percent present and actually be able to organize the date and ask you out and all that stuff. So he’s not initiating things with you right now. Or perhaps his focus is just on whatever the stressful thing is, the work deadline, the family drama that, whatever it might be. And so he just isn’t able to focus on you. Okay. He might like you a lot. It’s just he could be just really stressed and busy. Okay. And again, like what I said before, we do have to accept him 100 percent the way that he is assuming this is a longterm problem, you know, he has a stressful job or something like that and say, okay, this is a stressful guy, guy who’s always busy. I either have to accept him the way he is or I have to say, you know, I’m really looking for somebody who’s not as stressed out all the time. You’re a nice person, but you just aren’t the right person for me. Thanks. Bye. I’m going to go find someone else, but you can’t try and change him. Okay. Unless this is just not the status quo. This is just like, Hey, I’m just a regular guy, but right now in this particular point in time I’m really stressed and after a certain deadline, which I can tell you on the calendar, this certain date when the thing is due, when the thing resolves or whatever, I will not as stressed out, you know? If that’s the case, then yeah, cut him a little bit of slack and see how he behaves after that deadline. Okay. Overall though, I would be really careful about paying too much attention to a guy not initiating texts with you. Okay. Because at the end of the day, that’s kind of keeping score and keeping score is not really going to set you up for a great long term relationship. I think we already know that in a certain degree, we’ve talked about this in previous relationship inner game experience episodes, so I’m not going to beat that to death. You can go back and listen to that one. I’ll probably link to it down below in the description for this relationship inner game experience if you’re watching this over on our website, but really just focus on making sure that the two of you are having a high quality emotional connection. If you’re having a high quality emotional connection that it really doesn’t matter who’s initiating contact. It really doesn’t matter if it’s him, if it’s you, if it’s whatever. I mean, you know, I’m, I’m married, I’ve got a wife. And I honestly couldn’t tell you who initiates contact more, her or me because I don’t keep score of that. I’m sure if you were to somehow, you know, go and look through our text history or something, you’d be able to say, oh, well, clay initiates more or, or Mika initiates more. But, it’s just not something that either one of us really pays attention to because we focus more on the quality of the connection between us rather than who’s initiating contact. And if you find yourself focusing on who’s initiating contact more, and you’re really focusing on that and worrying about that, then it probably means that the emotional connection isn’t that strong and would focus on that first and foremost. Okay. So with that being said, let’s go ahead and get to our Q and A for this week. Again, this is from members of the Modern Love Association. They can go ahead and submit questions on a weekly basis and we go ahead and answer five of them each week. So let’s go ahead and see what questions have been submitted this week. The first question is from LV, LV writes in and says, hi clay. My question concerns the progress from phase to phase. It seems like my ex and I keep riding the dragon. Well we have a great time when we meet up and we are connecting and bonding emotionally. But then she pulls back afterwards and I then give her space to re-initiate things after awhile. Then we meet up again, all those well, and then we are back in the same cycle again. So my question is, how can I break the cycle of the emotional pull back to make better progress within writing the dragon and reach phase four? Okay, so the important thing when it comes to things like this where you end up getting stuck in a cycle over and over and over again, is that it’s often because you are using the same strategy over and over and over again. And I noticed that you said that you constantly use the no contact thing and basically pulling back as well and giving her space and wedding her reach out to you. Okay? So as long as you continuously have the same approach such as giving her space, which is doing no contact or something like that, you’re going to continue to have a hard time. You’re going to continue to get the same results. and this is something that I’ve seen over and over and over again, is that people will think that they only have one tool available to them. And typically that’s no contact. You know, whenever something goes weird with your ex, you do no contact whenever you have a hard time getting through your ex. You Do, you know, contact whenever there is a poor experience, you do no contact whenever your ex has emotional pull back. You do no contact, right? And sure there are times and places for cutting contact with your ex. But if no contact is your only tool, then you’re going to have a very, very, very hard time. That’s why we give you a whole array of tools through the advanced relational skills. We give you an array of tools that allow you to feel into what your ex is experiencing, to ask them questions like, Hey, was there something that happened that’s causing you to be silent right now? Or, or, or, I thought that we had a really good time, on this, on this date that we went on on this. maybe you don’t call it a date, but on this meetup that we had, was I wrong? Did you experience that differently or something like that. And so as long as you continue to use the advanced relational skills and you don’t just rely on a single strategy like no contact, then you’ll be able to get past this roadblock. Okay. So, LV, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Okay. Our next question is from Claire. Claire says, Hi Clay. My ex told me three weeks ago that she is completely over me and doesn’t see us ever getting back together. She said that she wants to be friends. Her outlook on relationships appeared to have changed a lot since the breakup. She said she doesn’t believe in soul mates anymore and doesn’t want to date anyone. Seriously. I’ve been working on moving on and she’s started dating someone else, which despite what said, seems to be on track to something serious. I don’t think that it’s a rebound because we broke up like three months ago and she said that she’s completely over me. While I’m not thrilled about it, I know that I can’t do anything about it. Just so you know, time has nothing to do with determining whether something is a rebound relationship or not. And your ex saying that they are completely over you has nothing to do with them actually being completely over with you. They might still be very much caught up in you, but anyway you continue. I’ve taken up new activities and have been focusing on my other friendships. She’s still friendly with me and she still cares about me. She asks me for help on Homework, asks me how I’m doing and invites me to hang out with other people there. When we hang out, we laugh and tease each other and it just feels very natural. After I leave, she usually texts me later to ask about something or invite me somewhere. Later on she said she doesn’t want a relationship but is dating this other girl. I’m confused by these mixed messages. I’m not gonna sit around waiting for her. However, is staying friends with her, having emotional connections with her. Is that okay if I want to remain open to the possibility of getting back together in the future or should I make some kind of move so that she knows that I still have feelings for her so that I am not cemented as a friend. I just don’t know how to keep moving forward or getting back together, which you seem so comfortable being just friends. You need to understand it is that your ex will never see you as completely a platonic friend. The two of you have a romantic history and in order to see you as a platonic friend, she has to overlook the fact that the two of you had a relationship together. She has to be able to look you in the face, look you in the eye and not experience that, not experience the love that she felt for you, not experienced the attraction that she felt with you. Not experienced the intimate moments where the two of you were kissing, where the two of you are making love to be able to look at you and not experience any of that and that is not possible. Okay. That is just not possible for people to do that. Whenever you have a romantic relationship with somebody, you will always look at that person through a romantic lens. The attraction may, however, be blocked by bad feelings, baggage history, and all of that stuff. That is not something that you need to deal with by re attracting. Another person would need to do is instead work on flushing out those negative feelings. Okay? When we say that you don’t need to worry about the friend zone, I’m not saying that you need to act like a friend. I’m not saying that you need to act platonically. Of course you can flirt with your ex. Of course you can do things that you would do with an attractive person. You know why? Why wouldn’t you flirt with them? Why wouldn’t you just work that into your relate reward cycles? Why wouldn’t you just toss that in there? Like what we talk about inside the course, but what I want to make sure that you also do is that you focus on having high quality interactions that feel good on an emotional level to see so that you’re basically building up that relational equity, that emotional equity between the two of you so that you are number one, clearing out the negative emotions in history between the two of you and number two, continuing with the flirtatious activity so that you are not taking it to a platonic level. Of course you can say that you’re just being friends with your ex. Doesn’t feel the pressure to define what the two of you are and so that you have this space to actually build up that connection. That’s absolutely fine. I wouldn’t worry about your ex dating someone else. I wouldn’t worry about your ex. You know, saying that they’re not ready for a relationship and then you know, saying that they just want to casually date someone. Going out on dates with that personnel and see if there’s any mixed message in there. Your ex says that they don’t want something serious and they’re casually dating somebody that I’m not seeing a mixed message in there myself. so I would just focus on the quality of the connection between the two of you. Make sure that it has that romantic vibe without necessarily saying this is a romantic interaction or anything like that. And I think that’s going to help you out a lot. Okay. So, Claire, please keep us updated and have things go and a hope that helped you out. Our next question is from K a K says hello clay. I started the program about two months ago after struggling for a year and have seen a lot of progress between now and then. I practiced the advanced relational skills everyday and have been feeling like a switch between, like I switched between stages three and four. I’m guessing she means between the crossroads and the bridge. My ex and I have been spending nearly everyday together for about a month and have felt like we are together, but obviously happier and healthier than our old relationship. However, I asked him on a date for his birthday morning, of which he resisted for the reason that he did not want to imply that we’re getting back together and did not want to take advantage. I assured him that it would be fun and worth it and he agreed. By late afternoon, we had fought on a couple of his birthday’s in the past, so I understood his hesitation and worry. I explained how well that we’ve been getting along and that I wanted to be with him and that he said that he was surprised that he agreed to spend it at all with me and his reasoning was because he didn’t want to be alone. He also said, quote, you need to realize my ultimate goal is not to get back together. I’m just doing whatever because I don’t really have a direction anymore. If something sticks, it sticks, but I’m not moving towards anything right now and to quote, didn’t want mostly. Well, there was some awkwardness because of our anxieties, not wanting to relive the past. He is not and has not been in a rebound relationship. Just been on some dates and seen some people casually over the past six months, but I am now hitting a wall with his response if I ask him about it or trying to get him to open up. He gets angry and agitated and shuts down. He’s been difficult to get answers about us or what he wants. I have been empathetic and patient since I started these skills. How do I continue our progress and breakthrough this last bit of reactants without upsetting him or moving backwards. Okay. So his response, which was that he doesn’t have anything that he’s moving towards right now. It really implies that he is not at a place where he’s ready to commit to a relationship where he’s ready to get anything solid down in there. Okay. And it sounds like you were maybe trying to go for like the commitment collaboration conversation or something like that in that moment, which would imply that you thought that he was at new beginnings and clearly he’s not a new beginnings. I think right now he is probably at like a riding the dragon kind of place. Okay. Now he may not seem particularly hot and cold, particularly extreme like you might expect at writing the dragon because he, I’m getting this vibe from him that he’s a pretty mellow, relaxed, chill kind of person. And so his riding the dragon might not be very extreme, but he is doing things like saying, oh no, I don’t really want to get together or I have some hesitation about getting together with you and then, you know, getting together with you anyway. So I think that that might be where he’s at. So what you need to do is focus on continually building the quality connections that you’re having. Okay. If you can continue to build those, then I think you’ll build up some more relational equity. It will base, you know, every time you have like a positive interaction with them, you’re basically like depositing something into like a bank account, but it’s not money in a bank account. It’s like a, it’s like a deposit into a relational equity account that you have between you and him. And the more that you deposit, the more your savings grow over time. And the higher that becomes the, the higher the equity that you have in that relational account becomes the stronger the relationship that you have with him is going to become. Okay. So I don’t think that you’re maybe as far along as I think that you thought that you were. So I would continue to build that up. Okay. I think that he’s probably at writing the dragon. Okay. And so just continue to have high quality interactions with him, continued to flirt with them a little bit, continue to create those emotional connections. And I think that you’ll eventually get to a point where you can have that kind of interaction with him. Okay. Right now he says he doesn’t have a direction right now. He says he doesn’t know where he’s going. He doesn’t know what he wants. And that’s fine. That’s pretty typical of riding the dragon area anyway. So don’t be so caught up on what he says because what he says is based off of where he’s at emotionally, which is, I don’t know what I want and what he wants will start to change once something starts to feel really good. Okay, once something starts to feel really good, he’ll start to move towards that. That’s why you need to focus on having really good quality emotional connections. Okay. Kay, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. From here, our next question is from Aa. Aa says, hi clay. My ex and I have had multiple breakups during four years. Therefore it was hard for me to know if it was real this time, but we’ve been apart for a bit over a year now. Currently a long distance relationship. We’ve been in touch since September of last year, but this year we made a lot of progress. We talked almost daily since April with ups and downs. He expressed feelings for me. We forwarded and had video sex often even though he has been discouraging me a lot in between. We’ve still kept in touch regularly and talked for hours. I thought that we were in phase four, which I’m guessing she means the crisis point. When he sent me a gift in August saying that he kind of loved me and that I said that I was in love with him, well flirting. He asked me to meet up two weeks later, he told me that he wasn’t ready to meet for a relationship and we had to cut contact because he is not well and going on a different path, although later he said that he didn’t want to cut contact but doesn’t want to flirt anymore because it’s something one should do in person. He suffers from depression and anxiety and therefore has some mood swings. He’s started to get better and two weeks ago he moved to another country for his career. The week before he had thought about what we could have done differently in our relationship. After his move, he’s been a bit distant and closed up. We had some good interactions though and I think I reached out too much, so I’ve turned it down a notch. We had a good talk this Saturday and they asked me to talk more the next day. The following day he seemed annoyed and we didn’t have a positive interaction. He called me later and apologized and we managed to have a quite rewarding interaction after all, sharing more personal things again, he said that he’s stressed and has low capacity to talk to anyone, not just me. It’s hard for me not to get affected by his words when he is so low. I don’t know whether or not it’s actually writing the dragon or how he really is. How can I keep us getting closer emotionally and moving forward. Okay. So I would probably guess that it is riding the dragon just because he is going through a lot of changes in his life. He’s moving to another country which probably involves a lot of logistical things such as wrapping up all the loose ends in whatever country he lived in before. A dealing with all of his belongings, packing up some of them, selling others, getting rid of the rest, and then of course moving to another country, getting setup. They’re handling all the logistical things, finding a place to live, a unpacking, going out and buying things that he needs for the new place and all that stuff. Not to mention the work. And all that stuff, and it on top of that, he has anxiety and depression, you know, there’s a lot for him to deal with right there. So given all of those shifts in his life, I would not be surprised if he is at writing a dragon and I wouldn’t be surprised if he is kind of putting the brakes on a lot of his personal relationships, not just with you but with other people, um, as he goes through this transition and as he goes through this transition towards getting his own footing in his new life. So what I would do on when it comes to the emotional connection is, you know, sure, be as connected with him as you can to the degree that it feels good on an emotional level, um, as it seems like you are, but also cut him a little bit of slack, right? Let him come to you sometimes. Let him get his own bearings and find the space and time to come to you when it makes sense for him. Okay. remember that your agenda is not necessarily his agenda and the timeline that you want to get back together on, which is probably like yesterday or as soon as possible, is probably not the timeline that’s going to feel the most emotionally rewarding for him. Okay. Remember, he just is stepping into a new life. He is adapting to a lot of new things right now. He’s going through career changes, country changes, living changes, changes in probably his, his entire environment. Even. So let him adapt. Let him focus on that as, as possible and you know, connect with him on this stuff. Ask Him, you know, what, what’s interesting in the new place that he’s living in, like if he could live anywhere where he’d want to live, what the two of you would do if you were together there, that, that weekend or whatever, just go ahead and start to be curious about his experience and let him tell you more about what’s going on with him on his own terms. Okay? So I hope that helps you out. Aa and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. From here, our next question is from Linea. Linea says, Hi Clay. Thank you for answering my question. In episode number 27, I’m having mixed feelings about my ex being at riding a dragon. It’s my fault because I haven’t been consistently practicing the advanced relational skills. He called me for the first time about two weeks ago because he hurt his hand at work and couldn’t text. Last week he sent me a good morning text. Whenever I go out with somebody, he always asks who I went with. I want to believe that these are signs that he still likes me, but just yesterday he asked me to come pick up my book at his house and I couldn’t because I didn’t have enough money to call an uber there. He didn’t respond. I realized that I’m still in damage control mode and don’t want to lose him because of it. I was wondering if I should do limited, no contact to practice advanced relational skills. I might even need to see a professional, but I don’t have the funds to do that yet. I’ve been attached to outcome and I know that that’s not good and if I want him back, I cried. The thought of losing him for good and I realized that maybe I’m still needy. Even if we were to get back together, he’d break up with me again. How do I change without worrying about losing him in the process? What if it takes a while? Okay, so it. It definitely sounds like you. There is some damage control mode stuff going on there and the important thing here is that you get serious about improving the quality of the interactions that you have, that you get serious about shutting off the BS machine in your mind. Okay? Because these are not helping you. These are not helping you at all. And so if in the past you did sort of a halfhearted ANC or something like that, if you’ve halfheartedly practice the advanced relational skills, now is the time to do it. I don’t know if it means you should do limited contact, no contact, whatever, but you know, the only reason you would do no contact is if you wanted number one and easy stakes situation or context to work on the advanced relational skills. And number two, if interacting with your ex felt bad on an emotional level and was driving the two of you apart. So if that’s happening, then you need to contact your ex even less or even, you know, cut contact entirely until you can interact with your ex and have it feel good on an emotional level. And of course, practice the advanced relational skills everyday on a daily basis are you don’t need to do each one every day, but you know, depending on what the skill is, if it’s something more more big and dramatic than do that one once in a while, but if it’s something small, like striking up a conversation with somebody and, and, and taking an impact that a point of view towards their world and then go ahead and do that one every day. There’s no reason not to do that when every day. but just go ahead and practice the advanced relational skills, do the exercises that we lay out in the course and that’s a great place to start practicing them. Um, if there’s any that you are having difficulty with, you know, by all means, go ahead and reach out to us and contact us and maybe ask a question next week or something like that. But overall what you need to do is you need to get serious about improving the quality of the connection that you are having, the impact that you are having on the interactions with him and take full responsibility for your role in those interactions. Take full responsibility for your role in how you’re bringing yourself to those interactions. And as that happens, you can start to change the dynamic that’s happening there. Okay? You’ll be able to start getting out of damage control mode as you start to work on the advanced relational skills as you start to shut off the pas machine and you’ll be able to actually start to have interaction to feel better on an emotional level. Okay? You won’t start to panic every time. Something that happens, like he says, Hey, I want to give you this book back and you think that it means that the two of you are never going to talk again and that he’s moving on completely, or something like that because that is kind of a stretch. The way that you describe it to me, it seems like a stretch and I would not jump to that conclusion if I were you. So Linea when it comes to holidays, you gotta put in the work. You gotta put in the effort. You got to take time to work on the fundamentals. Okay? There’s no silver bullet. It’s going to do the work for you that’s going to help you skip past the fundamentals and the hard work needed in order to actually create high quality interactions. You just gonna have to put in the work. Take the time to learn the advanced relational skills. Take the time to get good at them. Take time to turn down the volume on your bs machine and that’s when you’ll start to see some real progress. Okay, so I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Okay, and those have been our questions for this week. Once again, thank you so much for submitting those questions. Everybody in the MLA, once again, this has been clay with www.ModernLove.Life. If you have liked this episode of the relationship inner game experience, please go ahead and like this on youtube, subscribe on Youtube, leave a comment down below or subscribe on itunes or leave a review on itunes or head on over to www.ModernLove.Life and feel free to support us by signing up for a course that makes sense for what kind of outcome you want over there and you’re dating or relationship life. Anyway, this has been Clay and I’ll go ahead and talk to you next week. Take care.  

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The No Contact Rule: The Uncomfortable Truth About No Contact for Getting Your Ex Back https://modernlove.life/no-contact-rule/ Tue, 02 Oct 2018 18:28:16 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2608 The post The No Contact Rule: The Uncomfortable Truth About No Contact for Getting Your Ex Back appeared first on Modern Love.

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If you’ve done any amount of research on how to get your ex back, you have likely heard about the No Contact Rule.

But, in case you haven’t, let me give you a brief rundown. This is what it is and how it is supposed to work.

Then, I’ll tell you why I strongly disagree with the No Contact Rule the way that it is conventionally taught.

The Typical (Flawed) No Contact Rule

Okay, here is the typical No Contact Rule that you’ll find online. It is talked about in breakup advice forums and preached by so-called “relationship gurus” across various corners of the internet:

Step 1: Cut Contact with Your Ex

Don’t contact them for a period of time. Most people will recommend a month (or 30 days or 4 weeks of no contact).

This should come without saying, but “no contact” means not contacting your ex. This includes: No contacting your ex via text, via phone, or via social media. It also means no stalking them (online or offline). No having sex with them (duh!). Don’t “accidentally” show up places you know they frequently go. No asking a mutual friend to pass them a message.

In short, there are no loopholes. So abandon hope.

Step 2: Distract Yourself

As a person going through a breakup, you probably feel like crap. Most forms of the No Contact Rule will tell you to distract yourself from your pain so that you don’t feel sorry for yourself for a whole month. Common methods of distraction include, but are not limited to: Dating other people, picking up new hobbies, spending time with friends and family, or exercising.

Step 3: Hope and Pray It Works

Hope that, as you cautiously pick up your phone after a month that, somehow, your ex will want to talk to you. Maybe they’ll miss you so much that they’ll come crawling back to you over shards of broken glass, showing you with calls and texts.

Does the No Contact Rule Work?

(The Fatal Flaw in the No Contact Rule)

The fatal flaw in the No Contact Rule is that it is essentially about ignoring your ex for a period of time.

Supposedly, this is meant to trigger some sort of human psychology, causing your ex to think that you don’t care about them.

They’ll get FOMO and want you back, just like how a reluctant toddler can be tricked into obeying you through reverse psychology.

The problem though is that the No Contact Rule doesn’t work this way.

First of all, I don’t know the details of your relationship or breakup. But I would imagine that your relationship fell apart because you were ignoring it to some degree.

So, if ignoring your relationship caused a breakup, are we to believe that ignoring it is going to reverse the breakup?

I think there was a certain scruffy-haired smart guy who had something to say about doing the same thing and expecting different results…

Secondly, the typical way of implementing the No Contact Rule is about surrendering your power to your ex.

Sure, maybe some people will believe that they have regained some degree of control because they can choose whether or not they will contact their ex.

But the truth is that this whole No Contact business is really about hoping and praying that the time apart changes your ex’s feelings toward you.

In other words, your ex still pulls all the strings.

And you’re supposed to just sit there, white-knuckling it through a month of agonizing No Contact.

Third, you are not giving your ex a damn good reason to get back together with you.

Your relationship didn’t work out for one reason or another.

Your ex isn’t stupid. They’re not going to walk back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.

The only reason they will come back to you is if they believe that things will be better.

(Or if they realize that you are actually their best option, and they are settling for you after being disappointed with the alternatives… But that’s too depressing to address in this article)

The Truth About the No Contact Rule

The truth is that there really isn’t just one “No Contact Rule.”

There are many different types of No Contact, just like there are many different types of diets.

Just like how, if you’re overweight, you don’t just go on “The Diet.” You do some research and find out which diet is right for you. Is it low-calorie, ketogenic, paleo, juicing, etc.?

It’s the same with No Contact.

Here are a few versions of the No Contact Rule that I have observed:

Mind Games No Contact

Use the silent treatment to leverage reverse psychology so that your ex will think that you’re out dating hundreds of other people (All while you’re really just spending your Friday nights sitting at home drinking cheap boxed wine and stalking them on Facebook).

You might consider agitating this insecurity in your ex’s mind by playing games. Possibly consider paying attractive people money to pose in photos with you, and then posting those photos on social media, where your ex will see them.

Your ex will then realize the error of their ways and come crawling back to you with their tail between their legs.

Heal from the Breakup No Contact

Cut contact and focus on healing from your broken heart and the pain of the breakup.

Typically this involves focusing on yourself, exercising, watching sappy movies, ice cream, and packing up everything that reminds you of your ex in a box.

Once you feel better and you’ve had time to heal, you can contact your ex again without coming off as completely desperate and needy.

Distract Yourself No Contact

Cut contact with your ex and distract yourself from the pain.

Time heals all wounds, right? (Hint: No, it doesn’t)

So, once you’ve stopped contact, pick up some new hobbies. Learn Spanish, take yoga classes, maybe even date someone else to boost your self-esteem (we all know that self-esteem comes from other people, right?).

Then, after you are thoroughly distracted, get back in contact with your ex.

White-Knuckle No Contact

There is something magical about simply not talking to your ex for a month, so brace yourself because you’re in for a hard time.

So, stop talking to them. Count the days. Fantasize about the last day of No Contact, when you’ll reach out to them again. Plan your message you’re going to send them. Stalk them on social media to see if your ex starts dating someone new or not. (Essentially, you are focusing on all the things that don’t matter in getting back together with your ex.)

Then, breaking of the No Contact period after 30 days, hoping for the best.

There are probably other types of No Contact Rules as well, but you get the idea.

The main problem with these types of No Contact is that they are PASSIVE.

These different types of No Contact Rules apply the same fundamental thinking: They involve you changing nothing about your ability to connect or bond with your ex. The only thing that has changed is that you haven’t contacted your ex for a period of time. They demonstrate to your ex that getting back together with you is more of the same.

(You know, the same dynamic that they walked away from already…)

That is why I lump these types of No Contact together and call them simply “Passive No Contact.”

If you’ve done No Contact, chances are good that you are actually doing Passive No Contact.

The Alternative: Active No Contact

The alternative to Passive No Contact is something I created called Active No Contact.

Not surprisingly, Active No Contact, involves being active, rather than just sitting around and hoping for the best.

Specifically, you are being active in developing the ability to create positive emotional connections with your ex. Even through you may not be talking to your ex, you are practicing in “low stakes” situations. Once you start to improve your ability to create great emotional experiences with others, you’ll start to feel more confident in your ability.

And that’s when it’s time to get back in contact with your ex.

Your ability to create positive emotional connections should be second nature now. This means that if you’re put in a stressful situation, such as talking with your ex, you’ll still be able to fall back on all that practice and training, rather than slip back into Damage Control Mode.

Active No Contact takes as a given that you will heal from the pain of the breakup by addressing your own emotions.

Doing Active No Contact gives you the power to take control of your own emotions.

Active No Contact gives your ex the freedom to feel however they are going to feel. They they miss you, that’s fine, but that’s not the point of Active No Contact.

Active No Contact shows your ex that they are not walking back into the same broken relationship dynamic that they left in the first place.

If you follow No Contact, I would strongly recommend that you make sure it is Active No Contact.

Okay, now let’s get into some of the nitty gritty of the Active No Contact Rule.

How Long Should You Do Active No Contact?

Most versions of the No Contact Rule pick some arbitrary amount of time. Maybe a month. Maybe a couple of weeks.

However, it’s not like there’s going to be something there on day 31 that wasn’t there on day 30… unless you put it there.

So, even though a month is a good starting point for most people (probably even you), the point isn’t to think about it in terms of X number of days.

The reason you should be doing No Contact is because, before doing No Contact, interacting with your ex isn’t bringing you closer together.

Therefore, the purpose of No Contact is to change that dynamic so that interacting with your ex does bring you closer together.

So, how long should you do No Contact? Until you have good reason to believe that interacting with your ex will be a positive emotional experience that brings you closer together.

For some people that will be a month. For others that will be 3 months. Others will take longer. Others will take less time.

It’s really about how active you are at learning how to create a stronger emotional connection.

Will My Ex Forget About Me During No Contact?

No.

Your ex will not forget about you during No Contact.

I’ve been helping people with breakups since 2009. In that time, I have never heard of someone’s ex forgetting about them during No Contact.

I guess it could be possible, if the two of you only went out on one date (could you even call them your “ex” then?).

But your ex will not forget about you. It doesn’t matter if you were in a long distance relationship. Or if your ex is seeing someone new. Or if you and your ex were only in a short-term relationship. Your ex will not forget about you.

What Do I Do if My Ex Contacts Me During No Contact?

It happens. Your ex might miss you and contact you.

Or maybe they’re angry and they want to unload on you.

Or maybe it’s a little bit of both (hot and cold behavior)

But either way the phone is ringing. What do you do?

As, I mentioned above, the purpose of No Contact is to change the dynamic so that you can have a positive connection with your ex.

If you think you can interact with your ex and that it will be an uplifting and rewarding experience for both them and you, then get back in contact with them.

If you don’t think that you can have a positive interaction with your ex, then I would not recommend being in contact with them… even if they’ve initiated contact with you.

One of the huge mistakes I see people make is thinking that No Contact should end the moment your ex initiates contact with you. Let me be clear, No Contact should only end if you can have positive interactions with your ex.

It doesn’t matter if your ex texted you that they miss you or not. End No Contact on your own terms.

What About Social Media and the Active No Contact Rule?

Let me make it clear, stalking your ex on social media isn’t helping anyone. Least of all, you.

Trying to read between the lines isn’t allowing you to focus on the present moment, which is critical in building a positive emotional connection.

Instead, you are feeding your insecurities, fears, and anxieties by “keeping tabs” on your ex’s every move.

Trust me, you will be much better off if you do not allow yourself to keep an eye on your ex’s every move during No Contact, and you, instead, focus on living your life and your own experiences of life.

What if It Isn’t Possible to Do No Contact Due to Circumstances?

I get it, some people have kids together with their ex, and completely cutting off contact isn’t realistic.

If that’s the case, then doing a modified form of the No Contact Rule is the best route.

Limiting your contact (known as “Limited Contact”) allows you disconnect the emotional hose you have connecting you to your ex. This allows you to focus on your own experience rather than trying to win their approval, all while remaining in contact.

Another situations that may warrant Limited Contact might be when you and your ex work together.

(I never recommend you date a co-worker, but people keep doing it anyway.)

And if you still live together with your ex, you should probably also consider Limited Contact.

(You should also consider searching for other living arrangements so you can actually follow the No Contact Rule)

Maybe you and your ex have mutual friends (which is common if you’ve been together for a while). I would talk to your friends and let them know that you’re taking time to re-center yourself. Ask them to keep that in mind when they invite you to events or give you updates on your ex. A close friend will understand and support you in any way that they can.

What if I Break No Contact in a Moment of Weakness?

Start over.

Once you have started No Contact, you should only get back in contact with your ex when you can have a positive emotional connection with them.

You cannot have a positive emotional connection when you are in Damage Control Mode or otherwise controlled by fear, anxiety, or desperation. It just isn’t possible.

“Accidentally” texting your ex isn’t a reason to put the No Contact Rule behind you. It is a reason to start over.

What if My Ex’s Birthday or a Holiday Happens in the Middle of No Contact?

Make no mistake: wishing your ex a happy birthday is not a good excuse to break No Contact if you are not in an emotional place where you are capable of having positive interactions.

I don’t want to you be a cold hearted SOB, either though.

So here’s what to do:

Check to see if you are having some sort of hidden agenda, such as thinking that you’re going to send some kind of birthday or holiday text and it’s going to melt your ex’s icy little heart and make them come running back to you, all because you texted them “HBD!”

If that’s the case, then don’t break No Contact.

However, if you don’t have a hidden agenda and you genuinely want to wish them a Happy Birthday, Merry Christmas, or Jubilant Festivus, then go ahead and do so.

Just don’t expect a response from them. Dive right back into Active No Contact until you are prepared to actually be in contact again.

What if My Breakup was a Long Time Ago?

It doesn’t matter if your ex broke up with you recently or if you’ve been broken up for a long time. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t seen them in years or if you’ve remained friends since the breakup.

If you are having interactions that feel bad, you should stop interacting with your ex until you can have interactions that feel good.

Will My Ex Move On If I Do No Contact?

Maybe, but that is a good thing.

You want your ex to move on from your breakup even if you want to get back together again.

Why?

Because, if your ex moves on emotionally, and you can relate to them in a calm and reasonable manner, rather than someone who is heartbroken, desperate for validation, and spiraling out of control.

If by “moving on” you are actually worried that your ex will start seeing someone new, then that’s not something to be worried about either.

If your ex ends up in a rebound relationship, it’s nothing to be concerned about.

Why?

Because, your connection with your ex is the most important thing in getting back together. It is more important than your ex’s connection to someone else.

If you focus on improving the emotional connection, then it really is pretty easy to outshine rebound relationships.

Plus, you also have the Decoy Effect working to your advantage.

Will the No Contact Rule Cement My Ex’s New Rebound Relationship in Place?

No.

What is going to cement their new relationship in place is you continuing to have interactions with your ex that do not feel good on an emotional level.

This will drive your ex and their new partner closer together. Why? Because interacting with their new partner feels better than interacting with you.

Doing No Contact may not stop your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend from dating or being in a relationship with someone else. However, it will stop you from shooting yourself in the foot by consistently having interactions that feel bad.

Once you’re able to have interactions that feel good and bring you and your ex closer together on an emotional level, the rebound relationship will take care of itself.

Does the No Contact Rule Affect Men Differently Than Women?

Generally, no.

However, there are definitely differences in masculine and feminine energy.

If you are doing No Contact with your ex-boyfriend, for example, it’s important to realize that he’s gone because of a lack of emotional connection. For women, this means that you can improve the connection with your ex-boyfriend most of the time by stepping into your feminine more strongly.

If you are using the No Contact Rule with your ex-girlfriend, it is the other way around. You would likely benefit a lot from stepping into your masculine more.

If your girlfriend or boyfriend broke up with you because of a lack of masculine-feminine polarity, then use your No Contact period to cultivate that. When your boyfriend sees a more feminine side of you, it might change his mind. If your girlfriend broke up with you because you lost a masculine edge, seeing you own your masculinity might help her feel more comfortable with you.

Of course, masculine and feminine dynamics aren’t the only consideration, but it can help.

What Should I Do After I Complete the No Contact Rule?

After No Contact, you should, obviously, get back in contact with your ex.

Calling or texting are equally fine. Texting is “safer,” but you run the risk of being more easily ignored. Calling can be riskier because you don’t know how you’re going to find your ex in any given moment.

Moving forward from being out of contact with your ex, I would recommend testing the waters first. This allows you to see how responsive your ex is to interacting with you. After you know where they are at you can do something like asking them to meet up.

Once you know where your ex is at, emotionally, you can meet them there and do what you need to do to create a positive interaction. If your ex is warn and receptive to you, you can easily transition to meeting up. If they are standoffish, then it will take a stronger emotional connection before they are ready to meet up.

Should You Do a Light Version of No Contact Whenever You Have a Bad Experience with Your Ex?

Another common mistake I see people make is retreating to No Contact whenever they have a bad experience with their ex.

Maybe they had an argument with their ex, so they want to jump back into No Contact for a couple of days.

Sometimes this can make sense… IF your strategy is to disengage when you realize that the dynamic between you and your ex has taken a negative turn AND you are planning on doing something to change the dynamic toward the positive (aka, Active No Contact).

It isn’t a good idea if you just plan on giving your ex time and space, while you idly wait around, only to reconnect with your ex after changing nothing (aka, Passive No Contact). Here, you are just showing your ex that when the going gets tough, you run away (hint: this doesn’t broadcast the message that you are equipped to handle a serious relationship).

Do You Have Any Active No Contact Success Stories?

Yes, I do. The one I like the most is from a successful entrepreneur named Evan. He applied the No Contact Rule in a very powerful way. Doing this changed the emotional dynamic between him and his super model (!) ex-girlfriend.

And, this is a little personal (okay, EXTREMELY personal), but here is my No Contact experience as well. I didn’t contact my ex and focused on personal development, and this was what happened:

So, yes the Active No Contact Rule works. However, in order to get it to work for you, you have to make sure that something meaningful is different in how you are bringing yourself to the interactions with your ex. If it’s just going to be “more of the same,” then don’t expect much.

How to Stack the Deck in Your Favor with the Active No Contact Rule

Okay, we’ve talked about the difference between the Active No Contact Rule and the Passive No Contact Rule.

Most of you have done, or are currently doing Passive No Contact.

That puts you at a disadvantage.

I would recommend that you use the Active No Contact Rule instead.

During Active No Contact, spend time focusing on developing the ability to have a strong emotional connection with other people.

This is practice for when it comes to interacting with your ex.

You’re going to be practicing on a consistent basis. A lot like you would if you were going to the gym and exercising over a period of time.

Why?

Because, as Archilochos says:

“We don’t rise to the level of our expectations, we fall to the level of our training.”

That means that, when you get back in contact with your ex after completing the No Contact Rule, you’ll find yourself in something that you consider a “high stakes” situation.

Who knows exactly what you’re walking into.

Maybe your ex is seeing someone else.

They might still be angry with you.

Or maybe they still have a lot of resistance to talking to you.

You don’t know.

An if you’re just memorizing a hack or quick ninja trick, it’s very, very easy to get caught off guard.

But, if you’ve been practicing and training, then you’ll be able to hold your composure. You will create a positive emotional connection even when things are extremely challenging or intense with your ex.

And you’ll be showing your ex that they are not walking back into the same broken relationship dynamic that they left in the first place.

So what exactly should be practicing during Active No Contact?

I’ve been teaching people Advanced Relational Skills for years now.

These are skills that are designed to bring you into a deeper, more connected emotional place with your ex.

(Actually, they will work with anyone, but you’re here to learn how to connect with your ex.)

These are SKILLS, mind you.

That means that they require training and practice.

These aren’t hacks, tips, or tricks.

So, if you’re looking for a shortcut so that you can leapfrog past the effort it takes to have a relationship that works, then this isn’t for you.

Maybe there’s something for you out there somewhere… But it’s not here.

Anyway, these Advanced Relational Skills are the cornerstone of a training course I created called the Ex Solution Program.

If you’re tired of wasting your time with Passive No Contact, and you just can’t figure out a way to get through to your ex, then you might be a good fit for the Ex Solution Program.

You can sign up or learn more over here.

Looking for Help Saving a Relationship?

Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you get started saving your relationship or getting your ex back today.

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What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex [RIG 28] https://modernlove.life/what-does-it-mean-when-you-dream-about-your-ex/ Fri, 28 Sep 2018 21:43:27 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2596 The post What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex [RIG 28] appeared first on Modern Love.

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What does it mean when you dream about your ex?

Some people may think that dreaming about your ex is a sign that the two of you are destined to be together.

Others may think that it’s a symbol of your unconscious mind.

But one thing is for sure, whether you and your ex broke up recently or a long time ago, it can leave you with a lot of questions.

What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex: A Psychologist’s Take

Now, I am not a psychologist. I’ve never made any claims to that effect.

But when I was in graduate school, I had a professor who was a clinical psychologist.

Well, one day, someone randomly brought up the topic of dreams.

His response was that your dreams are unique to you.

There are a lot of dream interpretation encyclopedias, for example, that will tell you that a crow is bad omen. He told us to forget that kind of stuff.

He said that in our dreams, everything represents a certain aspect of our personality or our identity.

And that our dreams are a way that we unconsciously try to come to terms with these different parts of ourselves and integrate them.

To put that another way, everyone in your dreams is a part of you.

And how you interact with those parts is how your unconscious is trying to interact with itself.

Still sound complicated?

Well, it’s human psychology, so it shouldn’t be a surprise that it could become complicated very quickly.

Maybe something a little more detailed would help.

So, if you have a dream about your ex…

You obviously, represent yourself.

And your ex also represents a part of yourself as well.

What part of yourself?

Well, that depends on what your views on your ex are.

But I can take a few guesses.

For one, you probably are attracted to your ex in one way or another. Yes, maybe things didn’t end well between you two. Maybe there was lying or betrayal. Maybe you even hate their guts, given your history.

But, there is still a part of you that probably also finds them attractive.

Going back to your dream, my psychologist-professor would probably tell you your ex represents part of you that you love.

However, the fact remains that your ex is still your ex.

That means that something didn’t work out between the two of you.

That means that your ex may represent a part of you that you both feel attracted to, but that you also distance yourself from for some reason.

Is there something about yourself that you like, but are afraid to embrace?

That could be what your dream means.

Okay, so let’s take a closer look at a few possibilities.

What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex and You Getting Back Together

If you have a dream about you and your ex getting back together… Or a dream about you and your ex sleeping together…

It could mean that you are trying to psychologically accept a part of yourself that you are currently rejecting.

Maybe you aren’t fully owning yourself 100%, and your ex, in your dream, represents what you aren’t fully owning.

What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex Sleeping with Someone Else

If you are having a dream about your ex sleeping with someone else, keep in mind that both you, your ex, and the other person, are all aspects of yourself.

So, is there a part of you that you secretly long to embrace… But instead, you see that part of yourself drifting away from you toward something else?

If so, then this is what this sort of dream could potentially mean.

What Does It Mean When You Dream About You and Your Ex Fighting

And if you have a dream about you and your ex fighting about… who knows what… it could mean that you are struggling with a certain part of yourself.

Perhaps there is something that you are having a hard time embracing about yourself.

That’s what this sort of dream might mean.

Putting It All Together

When you have a dream about your ex, it might be easy to think that you should get back together with them.

But if you take my psychologist-professor’s take on this, it may not necessarily mean that.

Instead, it is probably a reflection of your own unconscious trying to come to terms with a part of itself.

Before you pick up that phone and contact your ex, ask yourself, is there something that you are currently struggling to accept about yourself?

Interpreting dreams and what it really means when you dream about your ex [RIG 28]
Hey there, this is Clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. And today we’re gonna be talking about what it means when you dream about your ex. There are a lot of resources out there for interpreting dreams, you know, they say if you dream about, I don’t know, a crow that it’s a bad omen or something like that and I don’t really adhere to a lot of this stuff specifically because when I was in Grad school I had a professor who was a clinical psychologist and somehow somebody in the class asked him about the topic of dreams and he said that all of that stuff is pretty much not, something that you need to be paying attention to any way because each of our subconsciouses is structured in a unique way. It’s not as if one thing universally symbolizes the same thing for all of us, right?

Because we all have our own different interpretations of things and we all have our different associations with things. And one thing that he told me is that in dreams you are essentially every, every person and every major object in the dream is actually a representation of a part of you, a part of your own consciousness, of your personality, of you essentially throughout your dreams. It is your unconscious mind trying to express or come to some sort of sense of understanding and balance in your sense of self. Right? So in other words, when you dream about your ex, you are trying to reconcile certain things within yourself to help you, to integrate your experiences into your life, to help you, to redefine your identity as the person that you are. So it depends on what your ex represents to you. So for example, if maybe you had a poor relationship with your ex and maybe your ex is somebody that you believe betrayed you, lied to, you, cheated on you or something like that.

And you dream about your ex will, It obviously depends on what is happening in the dream. But that person, your ex in your dream could represent a part of you that doesn’t feel 100 percent in integrity with what you say you’re going to do, and so depending on how the dream plays out, it’s you wrestling with the fact that there are these dualistic parts of you and your personality. There’s the part of you that are obviously wants to do the right thing and be a good person, and then there’s this other part of you that you know is also human and sometimes make mistakes, sometimes you know, stretches the truth a little bit, sometimes does things that you’re less than proud of. And so in that context, if you are dreaming about your ext is trying to integrate these two sides of you to sort of help it make sense to you emotionally so that you can still move forward as a full, complete person without having to carry around perhaps guilt or shame or something like that, or things that you did in the past.

If your ex represents a, someone that, that you really loved, someone that you had a strong emotional connection with, then the dream about your ex could also represent you, struggling to define your relationship with the part of you that you actually love, that you actually are proud of, that you actually are most proud of in yourself, but you’re maybe not able to admit it to yourself and you’re struggling to define that relationship in the context of your own unconscious mind. Okay? So you’re trying to, really determine what your relationship is with the parts of you that you really love, you know, are you willing to accept them and love them and take them into yourself or you going to deny them and push them away and try to say, Oh yeah, I’m not that great, or something like that. Right? And so this is how you can interpret the dreams that you have about your ex.

I think it’s much more effective than saying like, Oh, if you dream about your ex, it means Martians are coming next week or whatever the, the dream interpretation, encyclopedias and all that stuff. Say I’m anyway, this is the interpretation that I got from a clinical psychologist, so I’m probably gonna put a little bit more weight in that than maybe some other sources, but with that being said, let’s go ahead and get over into our questions and answers for this week from modern love association members. Let’s see what people are talking about. Let’s see what sorts of questions they have this week.

Our first question is from Ryan. Ryan says, hi, clay and Mika. I came into my relationship with my ex a few years after a blind side divorce. My life has been a whirlwind during and since my divorce until a few weeks ago when I graduated from a very rigorous graduate program and suddenly had nothing to do. My girlfriend now, my ex and I had done passive, no contact for a month in June, but she contacted me and I immediately started trying to fix the relationship. It was too much, too fast and she backed way off. She was between test drive and riding the Dragon. When I found your ESP program and the last message she sent to me before I went, no contact was quote, I enjoy talking to you and hanging out, but as far as relationship status, I feel we’re more friends than lovers. Right now. My emotions have shut off and I don’t know how to turn them back on end quote.

Her emotions weren’t always shut off. It happened after a long stretch where I was emotionally unavailable. One thing she would often tell me that I never realized until now was that I must love myself in order to fully be able to love her. I have harbored a lot of hurt from my divorce that has led me to have subconscious feelings of not being worthy of love. I never realized how much those emotions can bleed over and affect others. I have been doing the 10 minutes of affirmations in the mirror, but I still feel the deep seated doubt and lack of confidence when it comes to romantic relationships. Can you please share some other mental practices or exercises we can do to build self esteem and truly learn to love ourselves? Thank you for everything. I deeply appreciate your program. Warm regards, Ryan. Okay, Ryan, so first of all, I’m sorry that you had such a difficult experience with your divorce and I’m sorry that it left you feeling so poorly about yourself emotionally and in regards to your own self love.

When it comes to self love and self esteem. This really is a very important part of having a great relationship with another person and this is something that a lot of people often overlook because they’re focused more on thinking that you know if you send the right text message or if you have the right body language or if you pretend like you’re cool and confident and fake it till you make it, that somehow that will compensate for really not giving a damn about your own self and that’s not really how things work. As you start to hold yourself in higher esteem, you’ll start to have higher standards for yourself and you start to have higher standards for yourself. You’ll start to interact with people in a different way and that will really spill over into giving you better results in your love life. And also in other areas of life as well too, but this is really more of a dating and relationship podcast.

So we’ll talk primarily about that. I’m glad that you found some of the exercises in the course to be helpful. In addition to that, we do have a book that I wrote called the self esteem solution. You can go ahead and check that out on Amazon. I think. I don’t know. I think it’s like $5 or something like that. and you can go ahead and read through that. It has a lot of information on what you can do to help you in regards to your self esteem. But just some basic things that I would recommend to you are to practice pushing yourself out of your comfort zone in ways that move you towards what you want. So oftentimes there are things that we want in our life that we don’t give ourselves permission to go after because we don’t think that we’re worthy of them.

We don’t think that we’re worth the bother or whatever it might be. And so we just don’t do it. And we choose to stay in our comfort zone, which might be, you know, just, Oh, you know, I’m not, I’m nothing special. I’m just going to have a microwaveable dinner tonight, or something like that. I’m not worth the effort of cooking a nice healthy meal for myself or whatever it might be. And so as you start to move towards treating yourself like you actually gave a damn about yourself, you will probably encounter some resistance that could take the form of anxiety, that could take the form of fear that could take the form of laziness, that could take the form of complacency, that could take the form of anything. And if you recognize this, if you recognize that, hey, there’s something that you want, you want something nice, but you’re not willing to put in the effort for it because it’s just you or something like that, then that is an opportunity to dig down deep and push yourself out of your comfort zone and go for whatever that is.

Again, I don’t know what that might be for you. I don’t know if that’s treating yourself to a nice dinner. I don’t know if that’s a doing something nice for yourself, like I don’t know, getting a massage or getting some sort of Nice thing for yourself or whatever, but maybe you might consider doing something like that. Okay. And that is a great way to build the habit of treating yourself well and build the habit of pushing yourself out of your comfort zone, especially towards outcomes that you actually want in your life. Okay, Ryan. So I hope that helps you out. And if you want any more additional advice for this, please check out the self esteem solution over on Amazon. It’s written by me. It’s available currently only in kindle form, but once things settle down a little bit with our business, I’m going to hopefully look into getting that published as a physical book.

You know, the past couple of months have been really tough just because we’ve had the baby come. And uh, right now I’m getting back into working full time, but uh, you know, there’s a lot of repair work, a lot of catching up. I have to do with things before it can actually start to seriously tackle some other projects that I have wanted to do for a long time and one of those is to get the self esteem solution and be loved for who you are published as physical books, so that’s something that’s going to becoming hopefully sooner rather than later as I start to get my bearings again. But yeah, go ahead and check out that book if you want some more advice and keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from C, c says my ex and I were together for about a year and a half and since the breakup we have talked almost everyday and I really do want to get her back.

I need to start ANC, but we have planned on doing things together in the upcoming future two weeks from now. Should I tell her that I just need to take a break from talking to her for awhile? How do I go from talking every day with her to just not at all for awhile. Thank you. It depends on what these events are with, with your ex, you know, if it’s really something important for both of you, like I don’t know, the, the wedding of a mutual friend or something, I would probably just a grin and bear it and go through with it. If it’s something kind of trivial, like, oh yeah, you want to see a movie together that you’ve both had been looking forward to or something like that. Then maybe you might consider delaying that or canceling that plan or something like that.

But really what you want to do is to check in with yourself and say, okay, do I really need to take some time away from being in contact with this person to improve my relationship with myself, to improve my ability to connect with other people and all that stuff. I mean, because to be completely honest with you, a lot of times people will just go directly to no contact as like a default thing. It’s like whenever something happens, I need to go into no contract. Whenever I have a bad situation happened between me and my ex, I need to go to no contact whenever my ex doesn’t text me back and you need to go to no contact. Whenever I find out that my ex has a rebound partner, I need to go to no contact. Right? So make sure that you’re not just going to no contact as your one tool because again, if you only have one tool and that’s no contact, then you’re going to be in for a tough ride.

That’s why we have the entire arsenal of advanced relational skills at your disposal because there are times when no contact is great, but there’s also times when you might need something else to help you create a positive emotional connection with your ex. If you do look at your situation and you say, yeah, I actually do need to take a break from being in contact with my ex, then go ahead and, and, and asked for that. Right? Go ahead and just contact your ex and say, Hey, I know we made some plans, but if I’m being honest with myself, I think I really need some time on my own to really kind of collect myself after our breakup. I’ve noticed that my emotions have been kind of all over the place and I’m not bringing the best of myself to our interactions together. So I think I just need a little bit of a time out from being in touch with you.

So much so that I can pull myself together and then of course take that time and actually pull yourself together. A lot of times people will say they’re doing active, no contact, but we talk about in the course when in fact they’re actually just doing passive, no contact. They’re just kind of hanging out, waiting around and hoping that something changes. But again, remember active, no context. It’s about actively cultivating the advanced relational skills so that you can actually have a meaningful difference in your interactions. Okay. So work up some sort of approach or strategy or follow the strategy that we talk about inside the ESP course. And actually do no contact active, no contact in the structured way that we talk about, and that’s probably a great way to go ahead and get started with that. Okay, so I hope that helps you out. See Our next question is from faithful in love.

Faithful in lab says hello clay. I have a question about handling jealousy and passing painful little tests. I’m wondering what the best way to respond is. When we see our exes connecting with another person. My Ex seems to be in love with someone new is communicating this through social media, but never directly talking about it with me. Only mentioned that girl to me once as a friend. He’ll meet soon again. We were reconnecting really well, but now I watch him lose interest in interacting with me. Instead he is talking to her more and more. She has potentially a new rebound. He is posting stuff about her on platforms. He knows I will definitely see it and I sometimes think he even wants me to see it and react. So far I completely ignored all of these signs in our communication. My Ex seems to put me through a lot of tests lately, which hurt because I’m still in love.

I’m trying to stay playful and laugh it off, which I think is the best solution, but it is not easy for me. My question is what is the best way to handle such situations and to not go back into reaction mode. Thanks. Faithful in love. All right? So, I’m guessing by reaction mode, you’re, you’re talking about damage control mode and when it comes to damage control mode, just understand that this is a relationship that you have with yourself more so than it is a relationship with what is happening outside of you. Okay? So it’s not as if your life is going to be perfect and you’re not going to be in damage control mode. And then suddenly something bad happens and you are in damage control mode. That, that just implies that there is more of an inner weakness in regards to your own emotional fortitude.

Rather than, you know, great things happening outside of your bad things happening outside of you. If you were truly emotionally strong than you could handle most bad things that happen to you or most things that you perceive as bad without starting to go into that sort of panic, that sort of damage control mode way of being, so the best way that you can handle these sorts of situations without going into damage control mode is to understand that your reaction to things, your response to things is 100 percent within your control. Okay, so that has to say something happens and you have a response. If you notice there is something that happens in between those two events. There’s something that happens. So there’s an event, right? So maybe you log into, I don’t know, facebook or something like that, and you see your ex post something about some new person that they are attracted to and then it’s not like you suddenly just panic.

There’s a certain chain reaction that’s happening unconsciously and automatically below your awareness that’s causing you to have that panic. Right? So what is that? What are the thoughts, emotions, and feelings that are happening below your conscious awareness that are causing you to slip into that panic mode? What stories are you telling yourself? Right? So maybe your ex is posting an image of them together with this new person, right? Is your mind rushing in to fill in the blanks and saying, oh look, they’re falling in love. Oh look, this is a perfect relationship. I look, there’s so much happier then than they were with me. We’re drifting apart. We’re never going to talk again. I’m losing my chance. My window of opportunity is closing and stuff like that. You know, if you have thoughts like that, yeah, you’re going to panic, right? If I had thoughts like that, I would panic too, because as we talk about in our compatibility code course, your thoughts create your emotions and if you’re feeling an emotional response to something such as panic, so just fear such as anxiety, that’s because you’re having certain thoughts that are causing you to feel that way and if you just take a step back and look at those thoughts and examine them and run them through the thought challenging exercise that we talk about in the compatibility code, you can start to untangle these thoughts and turn down the volume on them because when it comes to most of our thoughts that cause us to panic, they’re very extreme, right?

There’s no like kind of middle ground. There’s no really being realistic with our thoughts. It’s always just these like doomsday, extreme worst case scenario kind of thoughts and yeah, if you’re gonna go through life with doomsday. Worst case scenario, extreme thoughts. It’s no surprise that you’re gonna end up panicked. It’s no surprise you’re gonna be anxious. It’s no surprise that you’re going to go through life being afraid. So what if you took a step back and instead of trying to control the externals, you know what to say to your ex, how to pass the test, how to destroy the rebound partner and all that stuff. What if you looked at your thought process that was causing you to feel bad in the first place? What if you looked at how you were thinking about these situations? That’s not to say that you don’t act on them one way or the other.

It’s not to say that you don’t do anything, but if you want to really handle your mindset when it comes to this, you have to start untangling these thoughts. You have to start untangling these catastrophe predictions that you’re running through your own mind. So I’d really strongly recommend the exercises in the compatibility code, specifically the ones on thought challenging and beliefs. Okay? So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from Daniel. Daniel says, clay, what is an example of bad vulnerability and good vulnerability? Say if my ex or myself inadvertently brings up the topic of the breakup or it just happens so that we’re beginning to have a good conversation that’s about to get deeply emotional. That would be a bad vulnerability example. Is that right? Would a bad example be like me admitting that I had a pornography problem when she asks what’s going on with me or would that be a good example?

Okay, so when it comes to bad vulnerability versus good vulnerability, vulnerability has the potential to bring people closer together. It has the potential to create an emotional connection as we are honest with one another, as we reveal ourselves to one another and as we really trust one another and start to exhibit trust in another person. Some people will take this and they’ll say, okay, you know, I want to get back together with my ex or I have a first date with somebody and I want that person to be my girlfriend. Right? If you were to go into that situation and just start, you know, confessing like, Hey, I really want to get back together with you. Hey, I really want you to be my girlfriend. I’m on like the first date or or right when you’re getting back in contact with your ex. That would be an example of bad vulnerability and the reason why is because it feels bad on an emotional level and the reason that it feels bad on an emotional level is because you’re not taking the other person’s emotional state into consideration.

You are. I’m essentially using that person as a means to an end to get what you want. So for example, if you wanted to get back together with your ex and you told them so much without really considering their emotional state where they’re at, how they feel, what their hesitations, what their resistances, what their reservations about wanting to contact you, be back in a relationship with you, et Cetera. Then they’re going to see you saying, Hey, I want to get back together with you as basically like, hey, I don’t care how you feel. I want to be in a relationship again. I want to be in a relationship with you again and I want to make that happen. How you feel is not important to me. How you feel is not something that I’m concerned with. I’m more interested in getting my agenda met, which is to be back in a relationship with you, right?

We all know that if you’re on a first date with somebody, you don’t confess that you want to marry them. You don’t plan out the names of your children that you want to have together. You don’t propose to them, you don’t typically ask them to be your boyfriend or girlfriend on the very first date, and the reason why is because you don’t even know that person. You haven’t built an emotional connection with them and asking for such things is being more attached to your agenda, your agenda of being in a relationship, your agenda of being married, your agenda of having children more attached to that agenda than it is to actually getting to know that person. Actually getting to know if that person would actually be a good fit for you. Right? You’re using that person as a means to an end to get your agenda met.

So when it comes to your example about having a pornography addiction, it really depends on how you present it. If it’s just like, hey, how are you doing? And you just say, oh, I found out I have a pornography addiction. You know, that could be something that feels a little weird. It could something be something that feels a little strange. It’s not necessarily bad. Vulnerability is just not landing in way that’s thoughtful and considerate of the other person’s emotional place. So, again, I don’t know exactly what your relationship is with your ex or whoever you’re considering confessing this too. But, you know, you might say something like, Hey, I have, I recently had a realization, I’m realizing there it’s had an effect on my life and I want to tell you about it. Looking back on our relationship that we had together in the past, I think it might’ve even affected our ability to connect and it’s, you know, it’s something that’s not easy to talk about.

But if I’m being honest, I actually have a problem with pornography and I think it’s affecting my ability to connect with people. In my ability to have a romantic relationships and uh, you know, if you, if you frame it like that, where your, where, where, where you’re simply just considering how it’s landing for the other person and you’re also being vulnerable and honest and you’re not having a hidden agenda. Then I think it absolutely could be a very positive form of vulnerability that could potentially bring the two of you closer together. Okay, Daniel. So I hope that helps you out and let us know if you decide to have this conversation and how it all goes. Okay. So thanks and keep us updated. Our next question is from JP. JP says, during the day, I’m happy with how my life is and I’m optimistic about the future.

However, at night I’ve been experiencing sleep disturbances. I will have a dream about my ex and wake up feeling anxious. My therapist thought that my subconscious may be trying to work through some unresolved emotions. When she probed further, I was shocked to discover that I was still really sad and missing my ex. My therapist suggested taking 10 minutes to write in a journal a few times a week about my thoughts and memories of my ex. I plan on doing this. I was just wondering, do you have any additional suggestions or advice on how to deal with unresolved emotions? Thanks JP. The topic of the intro portion of this relationship, inner game experience episode is actually on the topic of dreaming about your Ex. So, I would definitely go and, and review that if needed be. But, it sounds like the dream portion is really you trying to resolve your own relationship with yourself and how that connects with your external experience of life.

Okay. So, again, this is, this can be very complicated and this is not something that I pretend to be an expert on by any stretch of the imagination. This is just what a clinical psychologist told me about dreams when I was in graduate school. So I’m just going to go ahead and defer to their expertise, but in terms of how to deal with unresolved emotions, what you need to do is you need to start by being real with yourself. Start by being real with how you feel about things. So, when you say during the day you’re happy with your life and you’re optimistic about the future, is that genuine happiness? Is that genuine optimism or is it sort of more of a postured kind of happiness, a postured optimism? We talk about posturing as, as like the cliche example of like the Macho Jerk and the Nice Guy, right?

But the macho jerk isn’t really the only of manifestation that posturing can take. Posturing is really just when you’re trying to suppress how you’re actually feeling and present a appearance of something else. Whether that is, you know. Yeah, I’m such a bad ass. Nothing can hurt me with Dylan, you know, the macho kind of attitude or another common way that people often do it is I’m always happy. My life is perfect and life is great. Things are wonderful. Um, I’m so happy. Things are great. Uh, everything is looking rosy and wonderful, right? When in fact they are, they’re actually not feeling that way. Uh, you know, if you genuinely do feel that way, more power to you, but if you’re not actually feeling that way and you’re putting out an image that that is how you feel, then that’s actually a form of posturing. So what you might consider doing is getting real with yourself, getting real about how you actually feel, you know, so.

So maybe talk a take, take a look about how you’re actually feeling at night. Take a look at how you actually feel when you are having these dreams about your asked or, or even just a, you know, if you’re feeling down at night without being asleep, without dreaming, you know, if it’s just like at night and you’re by yourself and suddenly you start to feel sad, you might start to think about whole, how is it I actually feel, how is it I actually am thinking that’s causing me to feel this way? What thoughts am I having that are causing me to feel this way? And start to explore those. And if you’re starting to realize that, you know, yeah, maybe I actually am sad, then maybe it’s because you need to fully feel your emotions of loss maybe from your ex or something along those lines.

And as you start to genuinely feel those emotions rather than suppress them or stuff them down, you’ll notice that you start to open up a little bit more when it comes to your emotional experience and you’ll notice that you’ll start to let go of some of those feelings. And as you start to let go of those feelings, you’ll have a more spaciousness within you that allows you to have a greater emotional capacity for a whole lot of other things. Okay? So as you can start to let go of some of these suppressed feelings, you will really start to welcome new emotional experiences into your life. A really emotions. They don’t have to hang around forever. They only hang around forever. The longer we stuffed them down, the longer we ignore them, the longer we try to resist them. As soon as you stop resisting them and allow that emotion to come to completion in your experience, that’s when you can finally let it go. So I hope that helps you out, JP, and I hope that gives you some advice on dealing with what you’re experiencing right now. So thank you. And please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Okay. So those have been our questions for this week. I just want to follow up with everybody and let you know that since we have streamlined the Q and A process and limited it to just five questions and it has made the production of the relationship inner game experience a whole lot easier for me and the people on team. I don’t know if you’re aware of this, but it is actually quite a lot of work to put together these episodes and it can sometimes be difficult to make sure we get this out every week. and also I’ve noticed that the quality of the questions that people are asking has also increased as well too. you know, before it was like, hey, here’s some ridiculously specific thing that I’m experiencing that nobody else in the world can relate to, you know, what do you think I should do next?

And now it’s, it’s, it’s generally questions that are a little bit more relatable to to more people out there. So I think that we’re also improving the value and quality of the relationship inner game experiences as well too. So thank you so much for helping me do this and thank you so much for helping me dial this in. I, once again, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life. If you like the relationship inner game experience, please go ahead and give us a thumbs up, leave a comment down below, go ahead and subscribe to the channel. consider supporting us by signing up for one of our courses over @ www.ModernLove.Life And of course, feel free to subscribe on itunes or youtube as well too. Once again, this has been clay and I hope this has helped you improve your relationship inner game. Talk to you next week.

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Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you get started saving your relationship or getting your ex back today.

The post What Does It Mean When You Dream About Your Ex [RIG 28] appeared first on Modern Love.

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How to Make Your Ex Miss You: Hacking Your Ex’s Emotional Psychology https://modernlove.life/how-to-make-your-ex-miss-you/ Thu, 27 Sep 2018 19:19:03 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2584 The post How to Make Your Ex Miss You: Hacking Your Ex’s Emotional Psychology appeared first on Modern Love.

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If you want to know how to make your ex miss you, you may be surprised to know that there’s a lot more going on emotionally than you initially think.

Most assume that it’s just about reminding your ex about the “good old days” through a text message or two.

But that’s not going to cut it, in most cases.

Why?

I’m sure you miss your ex, and thinking about positive memories feels good to you. Your ex, however, has a different experience.

That is because there is a certain emotional resistance that your ex has to interacting with you. The secret to knowing how to make your ex miss you is knowing how to bypass this resistance.

Your Ex’s Emotional Resistance

(Why Your Ex Doesn’t Miss You)

After a breakup, your ex experiences an emotional resistance to interacting with you because they need this for self-peservation.

They didn’t come to the conclusion that they needed to break up overnight. Chances are high that they decided to break up after thinking about things for a long time. They saw something in your relationship that they didn’t like, and they slowly decided that it would be better to walk.

The breakup only came after they passed the point of no return.

And by then, a lot of emotional resistance has built up in them.

That’s why it’s often so difficult to get through to your ex. That’s also why your ex may even be walling you out emotionally.

And if you’re going to make your ex to miss you again, you have to overcome this resistance and replace it with a positive emotional experience.

That is to say, you can’t just add things to what isn’t working.

Just like you can’t get very far no matter how hard you push the accelerator pedal on your car if your other foot is firmly pressing down on the brake.

You first have to take your foot off the brake before you will start moving.

And that’s why common dating tips, like reminding your ex-girlfriend about the “good old days” doesn’t work. It’s why your ex-boyfriend doesn’t care if you’re trying to make him jealous by posting things on social media. It’s why your ex-girlfriend won’t cut you any slack. And it’s why trying to figure out the right texts to send to get him back won’t work—there actually is no best text to send your ex at all (once you understand emotional connection).

You need to remove the emotional resistance they have to interacting with you first. That is the first step to knowing how to make your ex miss you.

Now, this emotional resistance is going to be stronger for some people’s exes than it will be for other’s. Each breakup and relationship is different. Some exes will be more open to talking to you. Others will be more closed off. It’s all based on their unique experience, psychology, and emotions.

Keep that in mind, because I’ve identified 5 specific stages of emotional resistance that you will need to overcome to make your ex miss you.

Your ex might start at the first stage. Your ex might only be at the fourth stage. Keep that in mind.

Let’s cover these 5 stages…

How to Make Your Ex Miss You When They Are Walling You Out

(The First Stage: Complete Resistance)

If things have become very extreme, your ex may have walled you out completely.

Or, if they are talking to you, it’s to tell you something blunt, like to give up or to try dating other people.

When this happens, they are experiencing such a high degree of resistance that they don’t even want to talk to you. Your ex might even block you on social media.

When things like this happen, it is easy to understand why you might think your situation is hopeless. You might even wonder how your ex can stop thinking about you at all. Are they meeting new people or even seeing someone else?

But once you understand your ex’s emotional experience, you’ll understand why they don’t want to talk with you or interact with you.

And you might understand why your ex may even miss you like crazy… even when they won’t even talk to you.

The reason your ex is walling you out is because they believe that you have a hidden agenda in being in contact with them.

They are afraid that you only want to talk with them because you want to get back together with them.

That is to say, you don’t care about where they are at emotionally or how they feel. You just want to be back in a relationship with them, and that is all you care about.

Even if you do want to get back together with them (which I’m guessing you do, if you’re reading this), you have to meet your ex where they are at emotionally.

Until your ex feels understood, they might miss you a lot, but they will still be hesitant about interacting with you because they are afraid that they will be walking right back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.

What do they need to experience before they will open up to you again?

Are they still upset about something that happened during the breakup? Do they need to hear an apology? Do they think that you never cared about them?

Until you’re able to understand where your ex is at and meet them there, then you’re going to struggle and your ex will continue to wall you out.

You want to make sure that your interactions feel good on an emotional level. For some people, doing something like following the No Contact Rule for a period of time might help create a strong context for improving the quality of your interactions.

If nothing else, creating a No Contact period will definitely give you some time for healing from the emotional pain of the breakup and focusing on yourself before you jump back into contacting your ex.

How to Make Your Ex Miss You When You Only Get One Word Replies When You Text Them

When things aren’t quite as bad, or when your ex is starting to warm up from being completely silent, you’ll experience something different.

Your ex will respond to you… But they won’t be emotionally invested in the conversation.

Often, this will look like one word replies. Other times, it may be that they only stick to surface-level conversation topics (such as talking about work, the weather, TV shows, sports, etc.). Or they may take a lot of time to even respond in the first place. You might also notice your ex start or stop contact with you sporadically.

This can be particularly frustrating for a lot of people because they can’t really get their ex talking.

I mean, what do you say after you ask your ex how they are doing and they simply respond with “fine”?

Where do you take the conversation from there?

There really aren’t very many options. Many people will simply sputter out with uninspiring replies like “cool,” “that’s nice,” or “me too.”

Often, it can seem like you’re just pulling teeth just to get your ex to talk to you. You end up searching for conversation starters or what to text your ex to get her back or get him back.

Let me be clear, it really can be dangerous to sit around texting your ex about pointless things (like your car or their job).

The truth is that there isn’t a perfect text to copy-and-paste and send.

How to make your ex miss you is really more about the emotional connection more than the specific words you send them.

You have to send something that will shift your conversation to an emotional level. This prevents you from wasting time talking with your ex about pointless surface-level topics.

When you do this, you can shift from talking about people, places, and things, and you can start talking about what is actually important: Your emotions and your ex’s emotions.

By shifting down to the emotional level of connection you can start to form the beginnings of a positive emotional experience.

And, as I’ve said constantly, the most important thing to getting back together with your ex is the emotional connection.

So shift the conversation to the emotional level and your ex will move on to the next stage.

When Your Ex Is Hot and Cold

(The Third Stage: Your Ex Misses You — Sometimes)

This is where things start to get interesting (and, some would say, stressful).

By the time your ex hits this point, their emotional resistance is really starting to erode quickly.

That’s all well and good, but it will result in a much more confusion behavior.

Here, your ex will start to be showing you hot and cold behavior. They may even be giving you mixed messages.

They might tell you that they miss you and that breaking up was a terrible mistake.

…Only to take it all back tomorrow. They say that they think the two of you should just be friends. That they’ve gone back to their ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend.

…And then confess to you, the day after, that that they actually still love you. That the time you spent together was so important to them.

…Only to block your social media account the next day. Or post pictures of themselves getting uncomfortably close to someone else at a club.

Your ex misses you here… Just not consistently.

It’s terribly confusing when your ex can’t make up their mind. It can frustrate you. You might even think that your ex is stringing you along or playing games with you.

But, unless your ex is some sort of psychopath, they probably aren’t playing games with you.

They are genuinely confused.

As stressful as this is for you, understand that this is all equally stressful for them as well.

They don’t like doing this to you.

But just as you were in Damage Control Mode immediately after the breakup happened, your ex is in a sort of panic of their own right now.

They are trying to figure out how they feel about you.

And what they need more than anything is understanding and a continued positive emotional connection with you. (Guys, this is especially true if you want to know how to make your ex-girlfriend miss you)

If you start complaining, holding their indecisiveness against them, or trying to pressure them, they will pull back hard.

They might even regress to surface-level one word responses or they might even wall you out again.

So, keep their emotional state in mind as you navigate this stage.

You know you’re making progress in making your ex miss you here, but you’ve still got some challenges ahead of you.

How to Make Your Ex Miss You When They Won’t Commit

(The Fourth Stage: Your Ex Is Actively Discouraging You)

If you’ve been able to navigate your ex’s emotional world to this point, you’ve been able to get them past their emotional confusion state. This is huge progress when it comes to knowing how to make your ex miss you.

By this point, your ex has mostly positive feelings toward you. They aren’t confused anymore.

They are now, however, having to face the reality that they, in fact, like you.

And that means that there is a real possibility that the two of you might actually get back together again.

This can actually frighten your ex.

Why?

Because of what it means. They may have to make some uncomfortable choices moving forward.

They might need to breakup with a rebound partner that they started dating after they left you. Or maybe they will have to tell all their friends and family that the two of you are together again. They might even need to rearrange their life in some other difficult way, either logistically or emotionally.

And because of this uncomfortable decision, your ex is probably going to do what just about anyone confronted with a difficult situation will do: They will avoid it completely.

They will put off ending the rebound relationship. Maybe they’ll keep your relationship a secret from their friends and family. They may even do other things to avoid paving the way for a clear and unmistakeable reconciliation.

Your ex might even actively try to discourage you from building a strong connection with them. They may tell you to date other people. Or they might say that you are “too good” for them. Sometimes they’ll even do things to sabotage the connection, such as invent things that aren’t really there.

Why is this happening?

Is it because they don’t really love you?

I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion so fast.

In all likelihood, after helping countless people through this process with their ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends, the truth is that your ex may realize that they made a big move by breaking up with you in the first place. And they want to be absolutely certain before they come back to you.

After all, who wants to be the high-drama person who is always breaking up with someone? …Then immediately jumping into a relationship with someone else over and over again?

And it’s even embarrassing to tell all your friends that you broke up with your ex (you), only to tell them that you got back together again. And it’s even more embarrassing to tell them a few weeks later that you’re breaking up again.

Your ex is essentially wanting to make sure that getting back together with you is the right choice for them. They want to know that it’s not all going to blow up in their face again.

And, in many cases, doing things such as ending a rebound relationship can be difficult.

It would certainly be easier for them if they didn’t have to end it. Maybe they wouldn’t need to do it if you weren’t really interested in them.

So, in an effort to make their life a little easier, your ex is essentially testing you to see if you’ll give up when things get hard.

So keep that connection strong and remind them why getting back together with you is what they really want.

If necessary, you may even need to apply a little bit of positive pressure on them (through boundaries or other communication strategies). This is sometimes needed to get them to finally make the move.

How to Make Your Ex Miss You and Want to Get Back Together

(The Fifth Stage: Smooth Sailing)

If you’ve made it this far, your ex has strong positive emotional feelings toward you.

They have even cleared a path toward getting back together again with you by handling all the logistical problems keeping you apart.

Now, the two of you are probably an official couple again in everything but name.

All you need to do is have a conversation with your ex about getting back together again.

They may still have some hesitations or concerns about getting back together. However, because you’ve built such a strong emotional foundation between the two of you, you can actually have a real conversation about these issues without your ex shutting you down (as they would have earlier on in this process).

And you can (and should) bring up any issues that you had in the relationship as well before getting back together again.

(Remember, this whole process is to make a relationship that works for both you and your ex… Not just a relationship that makes only your ex happy.)

And by this point, you and your ex will officially be a couple again.

The thing from here, is to make sure you maintain a strong emotional connection. That way, your relationship doesn’t slip away from you again.

The Key Secret to Make Your Ex Miss You

The secret to make your ex want you back is focusing on the emotional connection the two of you share.

Your ex is going through a process of trusting you again.

And every interaction you have either brings you two closer together or further apart on an emotional level.

If you want the short version of knowing how to make your ex want you back, it is to have more positive interactions that bring you closer together than you have negative interactions with them.

Keep that connection strong and the two of you will start to move toward getting back together.

But if you let the connection slip and focus on things that don’t matter in getting back together with your ex, then the two of you may actually start to drift away from each other.

And, through my work with countless people over the years, I can tell you that the thing that I believe will help you connect with your ex on an emotional level and help the two of you have a new beginning together is to build what we call Advanced Relational Skills.

These are skills that will strengthen the connection and show your ex that they are not walking back into the same relationship that they walked out on in the first place.

And these Advanced Relational Skills are the foundation of our master course called the Ex Solution Program.

If you’re curious or interested in signing up you can do that over here.

Looking for Help Saving a Relationship?

Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you get started saving your relationship or getting your ex back today.

Looking for Help Saving a Relationship?

Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you get started saving your relationship or getting your ex back today.

The post How to Make Your Ex Miss You: Hacking Your Ex’s Emotional Psychology appeared first on Modern Love.

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Why Is Dating So Hard? [RIG Ep 027] https://modernlove.life/why-is-dating-so-hard/ Fri, 21 Sep 2018 21:33:53 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2532 The post Why Is Dating So Hard? [RIG Ep 027] appeared first on Modern Love.

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Why Is dating so hard these days?

When you think back to simpler times, there weren’t all the complications we seem to have today in modern dating.

No ambiguous “friends with benefits”

No swiping right or left

No text message mind games

No tools to help you with text message mind games (things that tell you if your message was opened or read)

No pickup artists memorizing countless canned routines

No playing hard to get

No trading sex for commitment

No emotionally unavailable men or women wasting your time

No flaking

No ghosting

None of that nonsense.

It was almost straightforward.

Guy likes girl. Guy asks girl out. If they like each other, they “go steady.” If they still like each other after a while, they get married.

Okay, so maybe that’s a bit over-romanticized.

I know dating was never problem-free. Each generation has it’s own challenges and struggles.

But, even just watching things unfold over the past several years, I have noticed that there is a shift in the way people are dating.

So, let’s talk about why dating is so hard.

“Well, This Is Awkward” – Why the Idea of “Dating” Makes It Hard

First and foremost, dating is hard because people often begin dating from a place of stress and anxiety.

They typical “date” is often more like an audition or a job interview.

You go on the date and hope that the other person likes you, you put on your best act and do everything to seem as attractive as possible.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s normal to want to look good… especially when it comes to an attractive person that you might want to get to know **ahem** intimately.

But the idea of “dating” is inherently a deception.

Just like how we all know that most of us try to look like the best employee ever during a job interview, we all know that the other person is going to be on their best behavior during a “date.”

That’s actually why I recommend that people stop going on “dates.”

Bypass the Stress of Dating, by Giving Up Dating

Dates are stressful. They’re awkward. Especially if they follow the typical script.

Dinner + Movie + Forced and Strained Questions = Maybe Going Back to My Place for Coffee…?

It’s artificial, and it makes you and the person you’re out on a date with stressed.

So stop it.

Stop going on “dates.”

By that, I don’t mean that you should lock yourself at home and never make any contact with attractive humans ever again.

Hardly.

I still want you to get out there, meet people, flirt, and all that.

Just avoid the stereotypical “dating” situations, at least in the very early days of dating.

Most people use the first date or two as a way to impress the other person.

Sweep them off their feet with extravagant restaurants, attractive clothing, stories bragging about how cool they are, etc.

It’s all BS, and we all know it.

So stop going into situations where you know things are going to be BS.

Why Is Dating So Hard? : You’re Not Having Enough Boring Dates

Boring dates are great. Something painfully mundane, like having a cup of coffee together is idea.

Why?

Because it takes the focus off of the date and how impressive it is (or so we hope).

Instead, it puts the focus on where it should be at the very early stages: the connection between the two of you.

I’ve often said that the connection is the most important thing in a relationship, and I am not exaggerating.

And boring dates are excellent ways to bypass all the distractions and jump right to the connection.

After you have a stronger connection with one another and after you know each other a bit better, then I would recommend going on some more interesting dates that may be more fun, exciting, or whatever seems the best for the two of you.

The Times, They Are A-Changing

Okay, so there’s that aspect of dating.

But beyond that, we have more and more people connecting to the internet, social media, and, of course, their smart phones.

Now, there have been great benefits to all of these technological advancements.

…But they have also come at a price as well.

Because we, as a society, are spending more and more time on social media, text messaging, and even online dating apps, we are developing several social challenges.

Namely a decreased attention span, a desire for instant gratification, and less connection of emotional substance.

Why take the time to get to know someone, if you can just judge them by how they look and swipe away?

Now, of course, we’ve always judged others by their looks (I’d be lying if I told you that your looks don’t matter when it comes to dating).

But, in general, we are becoming more superficial.

And, as this happens, “bright shiny object” syndrome starts to take over.

We give up on anyone who isn’t “perfect” and decide to pursue someone who is just a little bit better than them.

We start to see people as expendable commodities, products that we can put in our shopping cart or pass up, rather than… oh, I don’t know… human beings with actual feelings and emotions.

So, that, in my humble opinion, is why dating is so hard.

How to Make Dating Easier

First, go on those “boring dates” I wrote about above.

Second, understand that your phone, social media, and a desire for instant gratification are driving your decisions.

After that, if you are a person who craves a real emotional connection, and a real relationship, then don’t complain about people ghosting you, flaking on you, or any of the other modern phenomena.

Instead, use that behavior as a filtering mechanism.

If someone ghosts you, it shows you more about who they are (and it gives you a good idea about their character).

If someone flakes on you, it shows you that they don’t take their commitments seriously (could this mean possible cheating down the road…?).

If someone is emotionally unavailable, eliminate them as an option and keep searching for someone who is available.

Yes, you’ll have to wade through a lot of frustrating experiences and people who can’t or won’t give you the emotional connection you want.

But, you’re not looking to be in a relationship with just anyone.

You want to be in a relationship with the right person.

So, as humanity careens closer toward Idiocracy, just keep focusing on the right person for you.

You’ll eventually find that special person.

But you have to eliminate all the wrong ones.

Looking for Help with Dating or Your Relationship?

Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you moving toward the outcome you want today.

Looking for Help with Dating or Your Relationship?

Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you moving toward the outcome you want today.

The post Why Is Dating So Hard? [RIG Ep 027] appeared first on Modern Love.

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Are you ready to be in a committed relationship? And when to commit in a relationship [RIG 26] https://modernlove.life/when-to-commit-in-a-relationship/ Fri, 14 Sep 2018 20:44:09 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2435 The post Are you ready to be in a committed relationship? And when to commit in a relationship [RIG 26] appeared first on Modern Love.

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Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. Today let’s talk about commitment in a relationship. How and when to commit is a good question and we talked a lot about this last week. So my personal recommendation is that you should commit slowly but walk away from a relationship quickly once it becomes clear that two of you are not compatible or are unlikely to create the kind of relationship that you’re looking for.

Most people go through relationships by fumbling through the dating world. Because of this reason people tend to cling on to the first person that they feel is good enough. The first person that they are attracted to, or the first person they could have a coherent conversation with.

The problem with this sort of thinking is that you’re not really setting standards and boundaries when it comes to your relationships or the person that you’re dating.  You basically end up dating this person just because he/she is around. Now the question I want you to ask yourself is, is this a good enough reason to commit to someone? Is this a good reason to get in to a relationship with someone?

Most people approach dating as if it’s this thing that is uncomfortable, awkward and undesirable. So they just want to fast forward through it all and just get in the relationship.

You might have an emotional connection obviously. Sure. You might be attracted to them but what I’m saying is that is not enough. It is not enough to have chemistry with somebody. It just not enough to be attracted to somebody. It’s not enough to like somebody.

You need to look for more when it comes to the person you actually want to commit to and be in relationship with. You have to know what it is that you’re looking for in a partner. This is how you have a committed relationship.

You have to ask yourself do you actually share values? You actually have things in common?

You both need to actually want similar things in life. If not, then you’re going to have a hard time eventually.

Ask yourself what qualities you look for in a partner? Is it honesty? Loyalty?  Can you be with someone who isn’t going to prioritize spending time with you?

These are things you really need to think about if you end up in a relationship with somebody who has these sort of deal breaker qualities. One of the biggest signs of a committed relationship is two people wanting the same things in life.

So you want to give yourself time to think about what it is that you want and what is it that you don’t want, in a partner and a relationship. You need to use these criteria to qualify the people that you meet and date. They could be friends of friends, people you meet at a dating events, someone you met at a bar or a club, and online dating.

Whoever they are and however you met them, YOU have to make sure they qualify in terms of the standards you have set for yourself, and if they don’t measure up to your standards, you need to let them go.

It doesn’t matter how attractive they are. Doesn’t matter how great they are in every other aspect.

If they have something that you do not want in a partner or relationship, or if they are missing a quality that you’re looking for in a partner, then you’re better off letting that person go so that you create the space in your life to welcome someone who can give you what you want.

If you cling onto somebody who is unable or unwilling to give you what you want you’re going to end up wasting a lot of time on them. It could be months and even years that you could have spent meeting someone who is more suited to be your partner. If you cling onto relationship that is mediocre, luke warm or even terrible, then that is valuable time that you are wasting being off the market.

In order to maximize your exposure to people that have the possibility of giving you what you want, you will have to eliminate people that cannot or will not give you what you want as quickly as possible. This will create space in your life to welcome people that could give you what you want into your life.

Once you find somebody that does have all the things you’re looking for and does not have all the things that you’re not looking for, that is when you can go about committing to that person. Until then you have to really test them and probe them to find out what their character is.

Like I said before be slow to commit. You want to give them opportunities to show their character and what their values are before you commit to them. If they don’t have those qualities, you want to be quick to walk away so that you have that space in your life to welcome somebody who does have those qualities. Unfortunately this is the polar opposite of how most people approach dating and committing to a relationship.

Most people find a relationship and try to fit their partner according to their wants and needs. In my experience, a lot of the problems that most people have are the result of trying to make a broken relationship work. It involves trying to change somebody in to something they are not. This is as you know one of the most unloving things you could do to someone. For e.g. t’s not a very kind thing to say “hey lose the weight in order to be in a relationship with me”

Or

“you need to have more ambition, if you’re going to be with me”  whatever it might be…

You have to accept someone the way they are now in this moment.

If you can’t do that, then you do not want to be in a relationship with them and it doesn’t matter if you spent months or even years with them.

It doesn’t even matter if you spent a decade with them, you’re not going to change them and you’re not going to get them to be the person that you want to be. You’re not going be able to get the relationship that you want out of them, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for years. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a decade. Just because you’ve been in a relationship for a long time doesn’t mean that that relationship is necessarily worth saving.

Only save a relationship if it actually has the possibility of giving you what you want. If it doesn’t have that, the other person is unable or unwilling to provide you with what you’re looking for, then you’re best to just walk away. There’s a certain psychological phenomenon that people go through when they cling on to un-resourceful and unbeneficial situations longer than necessary.

It’s called a sunk cost bias. It’s basically an escalation of commitment because you’ve spent so much time, money or effort on something that you find it hard to let go.

it not just applicable to relationships. It could be anything from a college degree to a career, and even a health routine or a diet.

You may feel obligated to keep holding on because you’ve spent so much time on a particular relationship. It’s when you find yourself thinking “I’ve spent three years in this relationship with this person. I have to try to save it because otherwise those three years would just be a waste!”

It’s more of a waste to stay in a situation that is not likely to get you what you want than it is to just cut your losses so you can create a space in your life to welcome someone who can give you what you want.

So if you can understand that, and if you can overcome the sunk cost bias, then you actually have the possibility of setting yourself up for success. In the long run, this is how you should know when the right time to commit. It is when you are very confident in your partner’s character, their values, their personality, and you know that the two of you want similar things in life. That’s when you know the two of you are compatible and you know that the two of you are likely to be able to come together to create the kind of relationship that works. It is then that you’re likely to get what you want in the long run.

 

Click here to watch this week’s episode of the Relationship Inner Game Experience

-Clay

Are you ready to be in a committed relationship? And when to commit in a relationship [RIG 26]

Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. This week we’re going to be building off of a little bit of what we talked about last time, which was when you’re moving too fast, when you’re committing to fast and we’re going to be talking specifically about when actually you should be committing in a relationship for best results. This is something that I think we need a lot of in our society because what I have observed from helping people and listening to their relationship and dating issues for several years now is that people are committing way too fast and they are staying in relationships that don’t seem to be serving them for far too long and this is actually the reverse of what I would typically recommend, which is to commit slowly and then to walk away from a relationship quickly.

Once it becomes clear that the two of you are not compatible or are unlikely to create the kind of relationship together that you are looking for. Now, most people go about relationships by just kind of fumbling through the dating world. You know, maybe they go to bars and clubs or maybe they meet somebody through a friend who, a friend of a friend or maybe day actually just, you know, meet a stranger either through, you know, just going through their life, talking to somebody on the bus or at the coffee shop or maybe through something like speed dating or online dating or something like that. But they meet somebody somehow and they approach dating as if it’s this thing that is uncomfortable, awkward, undesirable and they just want to fast forward through it to get to the point of being in a relationship. And I get it.

We’ll talk about dating and why it is so difficult and awkward next week. But right now I get it. And what I’m trying to say is because of this, people are just clinging onto the first person that seems decent. The first person that they are attracted to that they can have a reasonably coherent conversation with who doesn’t seem like they are just using them a creep, a jerk, you know, psychotic in some way or anything like that. And the thing is is that that’s not very good in terms of qualifying the person that you’re getting into a relationship with that’s not very effective in terms of making sure that you have standards and boundaries when it comes to your relationships, so you’re just kind of entering into a relationship without having very strong boundaries or standards in terms of the person that you’re entering into the relationship with, you know, sure.

You might have an emotional connection obviously. Sure. You might be attracted to them, obviously. Otherwise you wouldn’t be considering entering into a relationship with them. But I’m saying is that is not enough. It is not enough to have chemistry with somebody. It just not enough to be attracted to somebody. There’s not enough to like somebody. You need to have more that you’re looking for when it comes to the person that you actually want to commit to, to be in a relationship with. Now, I mean, if you’re just wanting to sleep around or date around or something for awhile, that’s fine. That’s an entirely different story. You don’t need to have as strict of a condition of what you’re looking for in terms of values or anything like that in that situation, but if you actually want a committed relationship, then you have to have some strong standards.

You have to know specifically what kind of qualities you’re looking for in the person that you want and it has to go beyond just their hot. It has to go beyond the fact that the two of you have like an intense emotional connection. It has to go beyond that. Do you actually share values? You actually have things in common. You actually want similar things in life. If not, then you’re going to have a hard time eventually, and the second thing you also want to be on the lookout for. What don’t you want in a partner? What don’t you want to put up with in a relationship? Okay, is it dishonesty? Is it cheating? Is it I’m somebody who is not going to prioritize spending time with you. Somebody who would rather interact with you through a phone or through a screen of some sort. These are things that you want to think about because if you end up in a relationship with somebody who has these sort of deal breaker qualities, then you’re going to be frustrated, okay?

So you want to be able to think about what it is you want and also what it is that you don’t want, and then you want to qualify the people that you meet through however you meet them. Friends of friends, dating events, going to the bar, going to the club, In online dating. Whatever you want to qualify people based off of these standards that you are setting for yourself. And if they don’t measure up to your standards, you need to let them go. Okay? You need to let them go. It doesn’t matter how attractive they are. Doesn’t matter how great they are in every other capacity. If they have something that you do not want in a partner or relationship, or if they are missing something that you do want in a partner or a relationship, then you’re better off letting that person go so that you have the space in your life to welcome somebody who is able to provide those things that you want into your life.

Okay? Because if you cling onto somebody who is unable or unwilling to give you what you want and you stay in a relationship with that person for months, maybe even years, those are going to be months or years that you are not able to find somebody who is able to give you the kind of great relationship that you want. If you cling onto relationship that is, let’s just say mediocre, Luke warm or even terrible, then that is time that you are spending that off the market that you could be spending actually looking for somebody who can and will give you the kind of relationship that you want. So in order to maximize your exposure to people that have the possibility of giving you what you want, you want to eliminate the people that cannot or will not give you what you want as quickly as possible so that you have the space to welcome the people that potentially could give you what you want into your life.

Okay? And in this way, you are able to maximize your exposure to people that can give you what you want. And once you find somebody that does have all the things you’re looking for and does not have all the things that you’re not looking for, that is when you can go about committing to that person, but you have to really test them and probe them to find out what their character is. To find out if they do have these qualities are if they don’t have these qualities. Okay? you want to be slow to commit, like I said before, slow to commit. You want to test them and see what their character is and see what their values are before you commit to them. And then if they don’t have those qualities, you want to be quick to walk away so that you have that space in your life to welcome somebody who does have those qualities and that is actually kind of the exact polar opposite of how most people approach dating and committing to a relationship.

And if you do this, you will be able to avoid a lot of the problems that most people have. In my experience. A lot of the problems that most people have are the result of trying to make a relationship work that just fundamentally is unlikely to work because you know, it’d be, it would involve changing somebody to be something other than what they are. And that’s, you know, one of the most unloving things that you could do is to say, hey, you need to, I don’t know, lose the weight in order to be in a relationship with me or something like that. Or you need to have more ambition or I don’t know, whatever it might be. And you have to accept somebody the way that they are when you found them. If you can’t do that, then you do not want to be in a relationship with them and it doesn’t matter if you spend a month with them.

It doesn’t matter if you spend a year with them. It doesn’t matter if you spent a decade with them, you’re not gonna change them and you’re not going to get them to be the person that you want to be in. You’re not gonna be able to get the relationship that you want out of them, and it doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a year. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been together for a decade. Just because you’ve been in a relationship for a long time doesn’t mean that that relationship is necessarily worth saving. Okay? Only save a relationship if it actually has the possibility of giving you what you want. If it doesn’t have that, the other person is unable or unwilling to provide you with what you’re looking for, then you’re best to just walk away. There’s a certain psychological thing that people used to cling to unresourceful and unbeneficial situations longer than necessary.

It’s a sunk cost bias, which is saying that, hey, I’ve spent a lot of money or have spent a lot of time, I’ve spent a lot of effort into this thing. You know, it doesn’t have to be relationships. It could be anything like pursuing a college degree, a career, some sort of health routine or diet or something like that. And so they think that, okay, because I’ve spent so much time on this, let’s just say relationship. I’ve spent three years in this relationship with this person. I have to try to save it because otherwise those three years would just be a waste. But what I’m trying to tell you is that it’s more of a waste to stay in a situation that is not likely to get you what you want than it is to just cut your losses and to create a space in your life for welcoming somebody or something into your life that actually is likely to get you what you want.

So if you can understand that, and if you can overcome the sunk cost bias, then you actually have the possibility of setting yourself up for success. In the long run, so this is, this is how you should know when the right time to commit is it’s when you are very confident in your partner’s character, their values, their personality, and you know that the two of you want similar things in life and you know that the two of you are compatible and you know that the two of you are likely to be able to come together to create the kind of relationship that works and is likely to give you what you want in the long run. Okay, so with that being said, let’s hop over and talk about our questions from modern love association members this week. Now I have been listening to your comments that you’ve been leaving and I know that a lot of you are wanting shorter relationship, inner game experience episodes. So we’ve decided to limit the questions to five questions from MLA members per week. So this week we have five questions and we’re going to see if this helps make these episodes a little bit easier to digest. So without further ado, let’s go over and get into our questions for this week.

Our first question is from Aaron on Can or should I write a letter after active? No contact Aaron says, Hi Clay. I’ve read some blog posts that you’ve written for other sites about the benefits of writing a letter to establish contact after a NC. Not a love letter, but more of a reconciliation letter, but most of the modern love video suggest using a text message to establish contact after ANC. what is your current thinking on the pros and cons of writing a letter versus sending a text message. If you can think through that the letter is more effective, what do you think it needs to say or to demonstrate? Okay, so if you go through the ESP course, you’ll find in the lesson on odds and ends that there is something called the fresh start letter and what this does is it helps you to apologize to your ex for anything that maybe you did wrong before, during, or after the breakup.

That could potentially be causing your ex to be emotionally shut off from interacting with you. Because if your ex is emotionally shut off from interacting with you, then it doesn’t matter what you say to them, how friendly you are, how outgoing you are, how clever the joke that you tell them, is there anything like that, they’re not going to be receptive to it because there’s still going to have hurt feelings from, I don’t know, maybe the cheating, the lying, the betrayal though, argument that you had, whatever it might be. Okay? And so you have to be able to get over those hurt feelings if there are any present. So what you need to do is you need to evaluate your situation and see if your ex might be holding onto hurt feelings that might be preventing them from actually interacting with you in a, you know, reasonable sort of way.

And if they are holding onto hurt feelings, then you might want to send the fresh start letter. You can go ahead and check out the ESP course for the template, for the fresh start letter to help you get started with that. If you are still on pretty good terms with your ex, if you know it was just sort of like a mutual breakup and the two of you didn’t have one of these, like knock down drag out fights or any of these really dramatic things or anything like that, then you can go ahead and just send them a text message or contact them in any other sort of way. Okay, so Aaron, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. The next question is from Diana. Diana writes in and says dear Clay and Mika. In the last relationship, inner game experience, I enjoyed how you explained that we could expand our range of acceptance by exposing ourselves to situations where things don’t go our way.

I recently interacted with the man I once had a fling with and he told me that he had a girlfriend and was happy. I felt the limits of my emotional capacity as I couldn’t go beyond my acceptance of the news and use this opportunity to deepen the connection. I tapped into my awareness and realized that I was feeling both disappointment and relief, but I was ashamed of the latter, (i.e. “cool. Now I can see other men without feeling guilty”). I have a general fear that men I’m interested in will reject me based on the impression that I will turn to easily towards other potential partners. I claim it is only an impression, but I admit a lack of commitment on my part and attitude of leaving options open. Would you say that my issue is more of an acceptance or self acceptance or one of composure and vulnerability? As always warm.

Thank you, Diana. Okay, Diana. So what I think you need to start by looking at is seeing if there’s any sort of truth to this fear that you have, that you’re afraid that these men will reject you based off of a, an impression that you will turn to easily towards other potential partners. Basically that you won’t be fully committed to them. you know, is this something that has happened to you in the past? And if so, is this something that has happened to you on more than one occasion? You know, if it’s just, once that had happened, then it’s like, okay, well that was just you dealing with a person and that person had their own issues and you know, you can kind of move forward and just say, hey, that was just that person’s issues. But if this is like a serial pattern of yours, then it might be something to do with how you’re bringing yourself to these interactions some way that you’re behaving that is causing men to say, hey, maybe she’s like not really gonna commit to me and she’s gonna, you know, as soon as I walk out of the room or something like that, she’s going to go flirt with some other guy.

And if that’s the case, then there might be something that you are doing that is causing them to have this impression. And again, I don’t know what that might be because I obviously can’t see you. I’m not here with you. so you’re just gonna have to either ask somebody who maybe does know you a little bit better, maybe a friend or a, you know, if you really want to be brave about it, you can actually ask some of your previous guys that you’ve dated either seriously or casually and just say, Hey, I’m trying to learn from the past. What was the reason that you decided not to continue dating me. What’s the reason that you decided to break up with me? Or something like that. And you can get some valuable feedback from people in that regard. But again, you also have to take that with a grain of salt because if one person says something and it’s just like, oh yeah, whatever, you know, that could just be their own issues that they’re dealing with.

But if you start to notice a pattern, then it’s like, oh, okay, I got it. So maybe there’s something that I’m doing that’s causing people to feel this way. And if there is evidence that this is an actual impression that you’re leaving with people and it’s not just some kind of fear that you have a irrationally from, I don’t know that you picked up somewhere along the way, then obviously you need to look at your way of being, how you’re carrying yourself in these situations, how you’re behaving in these situations, and then start to dig a little bit deeper to see where that’s coming from. If it is an irrational fear of yours that doesn’t have any sound grounding in reality, then what you need to do is is you need to get into the habit of, of feeling that fear that a guy might reject you, thinking that you’re going to turn in and put your attention towards somebody else and then just continue to move forward anyway, possibly explore committing to that guy, possibly explore expressing your feelings to that guy, possibly explore seeing where the relationship goes.

Okay? And as you start to move against that fear, you’ll start to find out that that fear isn’t so much a sort of an electric fence that’s telling you, hey, you can’t come this far, otherwise you’re going to experience pain. You’ll, you’ll move past it. And you’ll say, okay, that was just all in my mind. And it turns out that, you know, there’s this entire other world on the other side. And you know, it actually is possible for me to have a relationship. It actually is possible for me to have commitment actually is possible for me to have the things that I want. Okay? So, Diana, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. All right. Our next question is from JB and jB wants to know what advice do you have for practicing self forgiveness?

So the thing with self forgiveness and the thing with I’m holding on to things that happened in the past is that you’re evaluating what you did in the past based off of your current world view, your current understanding of things. And the truth is, is that in the past you had a different worldview, you had a different experience of things that caused you to obviously behave in a way that maybe you regret now, or maybe you wish you had done something differently because you have a different perspective or something like that. So to evaluate what you did in the past based off of a completely different worldview of, could we be different understanding the understanding that you have now is it, it’s not very resourceful. You know, it’s not like you look back on the, you know, things that you did when you were a small child before you really understood the world and how, or anything like that.

And you feel guilty about that. Like most people don’t do that. You just say, Oh yeah, you know, when I was a kid, I, I believed in Santa Claus or the tooth fairy or whatever. And you don’t really blame yourself for that. It’s just kind of, oh, that’s just how it happened in the past. Another way to look at this might be, okay, whatever happened in the past that’s done, there’s no possible way you can ever change that. There is no possible way you can do to change it. There’s no possible way that you can erase it. There’s no possible way that you can undo it. There’s no possible way that you can make that thing that happened in the past, not happen. Okay? That is there. That is something that happened that is cemented in place. Okay? You do not have access to go back in time and change those activities, but what you do have is you have the capacity to learn from the past.

You have the capacity to gain lessons from that past and if you can take those lessons from the past and use them in the present moment to make better choices or to put your life in a better direction or to take things in a in a way that’s more resourceful than you have gotten the lesson from the past. You know, the only reason you would feel guilty or or beat yourself up over something in the past is because you don’t believe that you’ve gotten the lesson that you need from that in order to make your present moment better. Okay? There’s essentially three realms of time. There’s the past, which obviously you can’t control. There’s the future which you can’t really control, and there’s the. There’s the present, which is the only place that you can actually control, and I know it’s really cliche to say that, but truly, I mean obviously you can really only do anything in the present moment and it’s the present moment.

As you know, one moment stacks on top of another, on top of another, on top of another as one thing that you do from one moment to the next moment to the next moment continues to compound. It will start to create a future for you. And the future is determined by the conditions that you put into place by your actions that you take in the present moment. Right? So for example, if you exercise regularly and if you eat healthy, you are creating the conditions for you to have a healthier body in the future, a slimmer body in the future, or more muscular body in the future, right? You’re not going to get there by just working out once or by eating one salad, but it’s the things that you do in the past that compound that layer on top of another, on top of another in the same respect.

You know, you can’t go back in time and undo that. I Dunno, entire pizza that you ate by yourself, a year ago. You can’t undo it, but you can make choices now in the present moment that put you on track for having the kind of health that you want in the future. And the exact same is true when it comes to relationships. So maybe you did something in a relationship that you regret. Maybe you, I don’t know, betrayed somebody because maybe you had poor information and you heard that person’s feelings. That person doesn’t want to talk to you anymore or something along those lines. Okay? So what can you learn from that? You can learn that, okay, maybe I need to not jump to conclusions so much when it comes to a hearing rumors about people or something like that. Maybe I need to give the important people in my life the benefit of the doubt.

Maybe I need to follow through on my word, whatever it might be. If you can learn a lesson from that and you can take that into the present moment, then you can let go of the guilt of the pain of the suffering that you’ve created in the past and you can start to do things in the present moment that will create a new future for you. So you can start to do things. If it was acting completely in integrity with your word, you can go and clean up areas where you haven’t been doing that for any number of reasons. And you know, maybe that involves calling up the person that maybe you hurt in the past and say, Hey, I know that, that I did x, y, z. and that was because a jumped to conclusions and I wasn’t acting in integrity with my word.

And I want you to know that’s something that I’m committed to changing moving forward. Obviously I can’t ask for your forgiveness, but I want you to know how sorry I am that I hurt you in that way. And you know, maybe they’ll forgive you. Maybe they won’t forgive you, but the truth is, is that you’ve learned from that past lesson and you can internalize that lesson to make sure that when you’re in a similar circumstance in the future, that it won’t happen again. Remember, as long as you’ve learned something from your mistakes in the past, then you can let go of those mistakes. You don’t have to hold onto them. You don’t have to harbor, you know, feelings of self hatred or anything like that. So, um, I hope this helps you out, jp, and I hope that this helps you to let go of some of the pain that it seems that you’re holding onto.

And if you have any questions, please follow up with us next week. Okay. Our next question is from Ellie. Ellie writes in and says, hi clay. I had an online chat with my ex about the having more open communication with him. He’s been walling the out. Unfortunately it did not resolve anything and in the end it didn’t feel good for me. He had high reactance and it required some effort to encourage him to say more about his feelings and concerns. I focused on trying to understand these concerns about being in touch with me, which seemed to open him up and allow some connection to happen. I sued some of his concerns about being in touch and let him know that I hoped to be on good terms. He said, well, my concerns have gone down a bit. I would still prefer to keep the distance. I then said that I wanted to find a solution that meets his needs without giving up on my needs.

He replied. I don’t think that’s going to be possible because I would still prefer it if we weren’t in contact. I think because there was a mismatch of what we both wanted, the connection I had built up with him earlier in the conversation might have decreased. He is unwilling to have contact because he still feels negatively towards me, but limited contact means that I can’t change those negative feelings. It’s a catch 22. It has been a year since we had any arguments, so time is not reducing his reactions either. I don’t know how I should approach him next time in order to transform his negative emotions into positive emotions, how might I build a connection with him if he is unwilling to be in contact with me? Okay. Ellie. I’m also attached some screenshots of a text conversation that she had with her ex. I don’t have permission to post those so I’m not.

Although it would really help to explain the context, but basically this conversation that Lee had was a conversation over text message. It wasn’t like a face to face conversation. It wasn’t over the phone. It was over text message and I’m. Allie was really talking to her ex about how, how she used to get jealous whenever he would add friends on facebook that were female or whenever he would comment or like posts from other female people on social media, etc. And she was wondering if he wanted to keep distance from her because he was about how she would respond if he were to do something like that. And he essentially said, yes, I am keeping distance because I’m worried about how you’ll respond when I do these sorts of things. and, and she’s like, well, I don’t want you to have to hold back or restrain yourself.

And all of that. What I would have done in this situation is in the midst of this conversation, one thing that I’m noticing is that a, you could have really inserted something along the lines of like a fresh start letter kind of thing in the midst of that conversation to let him know how you imagine that your actions have impacted him on an emotional level so that, that he would be able to get that you’re empathizing with him and that your, your understanding beginning to understand how your actions are having an impact on him. And uh, you can also ask for forgiveness. You can do all of that stuff just like we talk about inside the fresh start letter template. And I think that would have a, that might have changed the direction of this conversation because what I’ve noticed in the conversation is that you’re, you’re essentially trying to suit his anxieties and then you ask to be back in communication with him.

But then when he says that he still has some hesitation about it, um, you’re, you’re basically trying to convince him to be in contact with you. Convince him that, you know, hey, it’s okay. You know, I’ve been watching you interact with other women on facebook and I have like not overreacted or been jealous or something like that. That’s that. That I think is missing the point there because here you want to talk to his emotions here. You want to talk to how he’s feeling and what his experience was in the past. So I think the fresh start letter probably would have been a good move there. Whereas when you talk about how you’ve been watching him interact with other women, for me, there’s like a shift in the energy in that interaction because it shows him that you’ve been watching, that you’ve been keeping score, that you’ve been continuing to analyze his social media behavior the same way that you did when I’m guessing you were jealous in the past and even though you claim that you’re not jealous now your actions are are still [inaudible] with past behavior, which is not creating a very compelling case for you.

Having actually turned a new leaf here. Okay, so this part of the conversation, you’ve shifted from the context, the emotional context, which is how he feels towards the content towards, you know, hey, I want to be in touch with you. Hey, I’ve watched you interact with women. Hey, I’m totally not jealous and all that stuff and it, it starts to become like a negotiation rather than an empathetic conversation. And you know, at the beginning I want. I just want to let you know, that was very expertly done. That was, that was very well done in terms of the empathy in terms of connecting with him and all of that and I think if you had just gone a little bit deeper and done something maybe akin to a fresh start letter sort of thing in there. I mean obviously wouldn’t be a letter. It wouldn’t be like an email out of the blue or a message out of the blue or anything like that.

It would be within the context of this conversation, but if you use the fresh start structure so to speak, I think that would have given you a better window to to open up towards connecting with him on an emotional level. Okay. In terms of what you can do a moving forward, which is really what your question was about, I would probably still give that a shot. I don’t know how long ago that text conversation wise, but I would probably still give that a shot. I would just say something like, hey, I wanted to let you know, I’ve been thinking about our conversation the other day and I never had the chance to tell you this, but I was thinking about things that happened in the past and I just wanted you to know that I’m really sorry. I can only imagine it caused you to feel anxious, insecure, afraid, frustrated, whatever might be right.

And, that’s definitely not what I wanted at the time. I was just so hung up on, I don’t know, whatever it is you were hung up on and the time when you were so jealous and it just caused me to lose my mind with jealousy and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And, you know, just kind of go along with that and I think that might, help you open things up a little bit more with him. Okay. Lee. So, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. And our next question is from Clyde. Clyde writes in and says, hi clay. Max and I have been out of contact for three months. The last tIme she had felt pressured by me and unfortunately some of my actions were perceived as me being overly attached.

If we recover contact, I have no idea in what emotional place towards me. I will find her. In any case, I imagined that she might still be a bit guarded, at least this time away has helped me to put things into context, empathize with her perception, especially interaction, interacting with other people is helping me a lot in particular to be aware of when my focus on outcome comes into play. And now I’m wondering what do you think would be the right emotional place that I should be in when or if I regained contact and how would you describe a smooth transition from being out of contact for so long to being in each other’s lives again, in whatever form we can be for now. Thanks clyde. Clyde. So when you are getting in touch with somebody that you have been out of contact with for a while and you really don’t know how that person feels about you.

obviously there’s a certain calibration that needs to happen at first, right, because you don’t know where they’re at, if they’re still like very emotionally upset with you, that’s going to require a different response than if they’ve completely moved on and if they are just ready to, to see what might be possible with you. Right. And so what I think is important to do is to acknowledge where the two of you left off, acknowledged the context that was there when the two of you left off and then try to try to shift it towards a new possibility that the two of you might be able to have together something that is inspiring, something that would make the other person excited to step into that possibility. Right? So, you know, it might look a little bit, I guess this is kind of becoming a theme in this, episode here, but it might look a little bit like a fresh start.

So it might look something Along the lines of, hey, I know the last time that we talked, it seemed like maybe I was a little bit attached to outcome and maybe I didn’t really see things from your point of view and I can understand if you’re still upset about that. Again, that’s not what I wanted and I apologize if that’s how it came across at the time. I was just so anxious that I, I couldn’t see beyond my own perspective, but now I’ve been thinking about it and I just really wanted to just touch base with you and see how you’re doing and see what’s going on with you. And, and, and you know, you can just kind of create some sort of context for them to step into, create some sort of new future for them to step into. And if they’re open to that, then great, you can take that and run with it.

But if they’re still upset and they, you know, respond to you by beIng upset, then you can deal with that. Right? You can actually have a conversation about that. You can take that to a deeper emotional level. You can really empathize with them. You can maybe elaborate a little bit more on what your experience was at the time and what your motives were behind your actions and empathize with them and how those actions may have impacted them and so on and so forth. If you’re getting just complete silence from them, then you might assume that they’re still emotionally upset and you can respond to them in that way as well too. Those are three options that I can imagine right now. There might be some other options, but those are the only three that I can imagine off the top of my head. Okay, clyde, so I hope that helped you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Okay. Those have been our questions for this week. once again, if you have liked this episode, please go ahead and give us a thumbs up. Go ahead and subscribe to us. Go ahead and leave a comment down below letting me know what you think. and if you’d like to receive a little bit more help or advice, guidance with your dating relationship situation, please head on over to relationship inner game.com. If you go to a relationship inner game.com, there is a short little quiz just basically letting me know kind of where you’re at in the whole dating relationship spectrum, you know, are you going through a breakup or are you dating, are you in a relationship? Just just some basic simple stuff. It should only take you like 30 seconds to fill it out. and after I know a little bit more about where you’re at and where you want to go, I’ll give you some tailored advice specifically targeted towards what it is you’re at and where it is you want to go. So again, this has been clay With www.ModernLove.Life and thIs has been relationship inner game. Talk to you next week.

 

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Signs your relationship is moving too fast and why it’s important not to rush in to a relationship. https://modernlove.life/signs-your-relationship-is-moving-too-fast/ Sat, 08 Sep 2018 04:48:49 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2428 The post Signs your relationship is moving too fast and why it’s important not to rush in to a relationship. appeared first on Modern Love.

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In this week’s episode we’re going to talk about how to know if your relationship is moving too fast.

First of all why is it important for your relationship to not move too fast?

In today’s society we’re constantly bombarded with how much better we are if we’re in a relationship.

We’re made to believe that if we’re in a romantic relationship or we’ve found a romantic partner, it somehow makes us better people.

And if we’re not with someone, then there’s something wrong with us.

Let me tell you this, its 100% okay to be single. Its 100% okay not to be in a relationship.

It’s a false to assume everyone who is single is desperately trying to get in to a relationship.

If you are trying to get in to a relationship because you don’t want to be alone and you feel the need to be on a relationship, then you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship.

So what are the signs that your relationship is moving too fast?

Stay tuned to find out more.

Click here to watch this week’s episode of the Relationship Inner Game Experience

-Clay

 

 

Signs your relationship is moving too fast and why it’s important not to rush in to a relationship.

Hey there, this is is Clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. In today’s episode we’re going to be talking about how to know if your relationship is moving too fast, but first I want to talk about why it’s important that you don’t want your relationship to move too fast. Now, we all live in this strange society and culture where it is believed that if you are in a relationship, you are somehow better than somebody who is not in a relationship and that is absolutely not true. It’s a 100 percent okay to be single its 100 percent Okay to not be in a relationship. It is false that everybody that is single desperately wants to be in a relationship and I just want to get that out of the way because if you believe that it is okay to be single, if you believe that you don’t have to get into a relationship as soon as possible, then you are not going to rush to get into a relationship when maybe you should be taking things slower.

Oftentimes we are very quick to get into relationships and then we find out that they’re not the right one for us. We find out that the person in the relationship with us is not the right partner for us. The relationship dynamic itself just isn’t working or whatever. And then we fight tooth and nail to stay in that relationship to make it work to save it even when it is just like not workable. Right. And what if it was the other way around? What if we were just really slow to get into relationships and then we got out of them quickly when we realized that wasn’t the right partner or when we realized that the relationship was not serving our needs. I think that would be a whole lot healthier than just getting into a relationship as fast as possible. Then then discovering who it is you’re actually in a relationship with saying, oh, that’s not gonna work.

You have all of these strange issues and you’re kind of creepy and all that. And then like try to change the person, try to get them to do to this thing and improve themselves or whatever, and then it just doesn’t work after you’ve been dragging it out for two or three years or something and then it’s just like, oh well, whatever. Relationships are hard. No, that was a relationship you probably could have avoided completely and had another two or three years to be in a relationship with a person that’s actually good for you or at least be open to welcoming that person into your life if you had actually bypassed getting into that a relationship that wasn’t going to work in the first place. So how do you know if your relationship is moving too fast? Well, number one is that there is no emotional connection.

And by emotional connection, I don’t mean attraction or passion or lust or anything like that. I mean I’m just going out on a limb here and saying if you are considering being in a relationship with somebody that you are probably attracted to them are probably, you know, some sexual spark or tension between the two of you, that’s very normal. I’d be very surprised if somebody was entering into a relationship and they did not feel attracted to the other person. That would be a big red flag there, but beyond that you have to actually have some kind of emotional connection with each other. You have to actually be able to talk to each other about things. You have to actually like each other’s company. If you don’t, then it’s just based purely on, hey, I liked the way you look naked. Then that is probably moving things a little bit too fast, so let’s just put it that way.

Okay, so definitely look out for that. That’s where the advanced relational skills that we teach really come into play. They really help you to unwrap somebody to have these emotional conversations where you can actually get to know who that person is and figure out if that’s really the kind of person that you want to be in relationship with in the first place. Second sign that you are moving too fast is that you don’t actually trust the other person and you know. Yeah, I know that trust is something that you kind of develop over time and that, you know, it takes some time to really learn to trust each other and to really learn to work together and all that. But if you’re considering being in a relationship with somebody, you should have a basic level of trust for them. You like something as simple as like, yeah, if they say something, it’s probably going to be true.

If they tell me something I can probably guess that it’s going to be true and you know, yeah, there are some serial liars out there and you know, people that sometimes tell you stories about how they were in a relationship with so and so for like five years. And then it turned out, oh yeah, that he was actually secretly married to somebody else and never told me her. Something like that. But that’s pretty rare. You know, the sociopath out there are pretty rare if you don’t trust somebody yet, it’s not necessarily a red flag. It just means that maybe you haven’t had enough time with each other to actually put your trust in that person. In which case maybe taking things a little slower might give you the space to actually develop that trust, but if you don’t trust somebody, you probably are not in a good space to actually be forming a relationship with them.

And the third thing that might tell you that you’re moving too fast is if quite frankly, you just think you’re moving too fast. we all have our own personal paces for things and if you think that things are just moving too fast, like, you know, maybe hey, we’ve been on two dates and you already want to go on a romantic like week long getaway somewhere that seems a little bit fast for me. you know, that might be fine for somebody else, but if for you that seems fast, then that’s okay. It’s fast for you. And you can maybe put the brakes on the situation and say, hey, thanks for the offer, but I don’t think we know each other well enough yet. And you can have that conversation. Or if it’s like, oh, we’ve been on a, you know, a handful of dates and now you want me to meet your parents, or you want me to meet your kids, or something like that, then you know.

Yeah, and that feels weird to you. Then. Yeah, go ahead. Stick up for yourself. That’s probably too fast for you. We each have our own pace and it’s important to respect and recognize what your appropriate pace is for the relationship and if you think you’re moving too fast, then chances are you probably are, and if nothing else, you should probably have a conversation with your partner, your date about this before you kind of lock or before things just become too awkward or weird or something like that. Have a conversation about it. Get on the same page so that they understand where you’re coming from so that you understand where they’re coming from and all of that. So I hope this helps you understand whether or not you’re moving things too quickly in your situation. Would that being said, let’s head over and answer the questions for this week’s q and a session for the members of our modern love association. Alright

Our first question is from Aaron. Aaron says, my ex has been talking about needing space and time to heal. Before starting ANC, I sent him a three sentence note, calmly telling him that I needed to let him go and to give them space to come to terms with whatever he wanted in his life. I said that note because I thought instantly severing contact would seem immature or spiteful. We were still texting and talking most daily, but the conversations were unhealthy by sending this note. Have I started ANC on the wrong foot and lowered my chances of getting my ex back? Would it have been better to just drop out of our daily conversations without warning? I think that in situations like this, it is actually beneficial to inform your ex about what’s going on. You know, a lot of people treat no contact as if it’s some kind of mind game where it’s like, you know, if, if I just fall off the face of the earth, then was really curious.

They’ll wonder why. I wonder if I’m dating somebody new. They’ll wonder if like I just don’t care about the relationship or something. And then they’ll come crawling back over broken shards of glass with tears streaming down their face, begging to get back together or something like that. I’ve found it through helping people for years and years that that is absolutely not the truth. Most times in fact, people’s exes can be emotionally hurt by, you know, the, the sudden unexplainable radio silence and actually letting them know, hey, I need some space for myself. Or Hey, you know, I just want to let you go so that you can figure out what you want in your life that can actually be a good foundation for creating a context between you and them that they can understand why you might be silent so they can understand why you might not be talking to them.

Okay. And so I think what you’ve done is probably pretty good when you come out of ANC, you know, you’re going to have to, you know, say, Hey, I just wanted to check in with you and see how you’re doing, or something like that. But you have to make it make sense with exactly what you said when you started that. No contact. Okay. You can have to make it make sense with all of that. So just make sure that that works out when you’re ready to come out of the ANC. So Aaron, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from Rebecca. Rebecca says, hi clay, Max and I will be going our separate ways and about three weeks we’ve been living together for eight months. We’ll just being broken up at the moment.

We get on pretty well and spend nice times together before we started to spend time together. I spent three weeks away doing ANC and ever since joining the chorus, my ex has even commented on how impressed she is with how I have changed. So thank you for that. My ex tells me that she doesn’t feel like herself at the moment and doesn’t know how she feels about me because she doesn’t want me to wait or fight for her. Yesterday we went on a spa day together and had a lovely time. Over dinner. I got really frustrated and mentioned about having a second chance. I was just so attracted to her and was feeling impatient. I know that this is bad considering all that I have learned and she told me that logically I should be given a second chance, but emotionally she just can’t give it to me at this time.

This was hard to take. She said that she would like to work on building a friendship. After we move out. Do you think that I should do and see after we move out or start to build a friendship with her straight away. Okay, Rebecca. So let’s be clear here. The reason that you do active no contact is to strengthen your advanced relational skills. If you do not need to strengthen your advanced relational skills than you do not need to do active No contact. If you are doing this for some other reason, I mean like this is something that I see very often is that people who want to get back together with their ex, they think that the only tool that they have at their disposal is no contact, and so whenever something happens, they just say, okay, I’m going to do no contact. My ex is less than favorable to me.

I’m going to do, you know, contact my ex says to back off, I’m going to contact my ex is dating someone new. I’m going to do no contact. My Ex won’t respond to me. I’m going to do no contact. To be fair, there is a time and place for no contact, but if no contact is your only tool, then you’re kind of screwed. If you’re in a situation that requires something other than no contact, kind of like you’re kind of screwed. If you’re, I don’t know, trying to build something and you need a screw driver and all you have is a hammer or you need a wrench and all you have is a hammer, right? There are times when you need different tools, so if you need to do no contact, active no-contact does strengthen your advanced relational skills and by all means do that, but you haven’t talked about that at all in this question this week.

What I see is that your ex says that logically you should be given a second chance, but emotionally she cannot give it to you, which means that she’s having an issue. Trusting that your changes are legitimate. She’s having a hard time putting her faith and trust in that the person that you’re presenting to her is the person that actually you are right. She thinks it might be some sort of gimmick. She thinks it might be a sort of act. She thinks she could be just on your best behavior and if she were to get back together with you, it’s like root right back to the, you know, the, the bad old days with whatever habits and patterns and all of that stuff led up to the breakup and the first place and nobody wants to walk back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place.

So what you’re going to need to do is you’re going to inspire her trust to want to be into a role in a relationship with you again, to inspire her trust, to believe that you are not the same person that she thought you are when she broke up with you. And Trust is something that happens over time. Trust is something that happens through a pattern of consistency. Okay? If you can demonstrate to her on a consistent basis over a period of time that, you know, these changes that you’ve made in your way of being, are real are just who you are right now and they’re not you just having some sort of gimmick or some sort of trick or some sort of ploy to try to get back together. Then she will slowly start to trust you. And as that trust builds and strengthens, she’ll be much more likely to want to give you a second chance.

Okay? It’s important to realize that this is where you have to actually walk the walk. You can’t just talk the talk, you can’t just try and fake it till you make it or something like that. This is where you have to actually be able to embody these changes that you’ve made your way of being and if you slip up, if you are just all talk and no follow through or something like that, she’s going to be able to see it and it’s going to corrupt her trust for you even further. Okay? This is her sort of built in safety mechanism to keep herself safe from people who just talk a good talk, but, you know, aren’t legit in what they say. So this is in order to pass this, you have to actually be genuine in your intentions. You have to be consistent and forthright in your integrity and in whatever changes you may have made your way of being.

So you’ve done something right to get to this point. You just have to make sure it’s actually part of you and not just something that you’re doing to try to get back together with her to move forward. Okay? So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Okay. Our next question is from autumn. Autumn says my ex and I were together for almost two years and she broke up with me about a month and a half ago. We still talk everyday whether it be good or bad. I need to start the ANC because I feel her being more distant anyway. She knows I want her back and she knows I am still trying. Does her knowing this worsen or better? My situation. Okay. So her knowing that you want to get back together with her is simply just a lens through which she is able to see your actions.

Okay. So that means that it’s going to most likely caused her to be suspicious or distrustful about your intentions when it comes to the things that you say or do. Okay. It sounds like she’s still open to the idea of being in contact with you. So that’s good. That’s beneficial. So that, that hasn’t like scared her off or anything, but it’s still probably causing her to be suspect to maybe you know, why you’re being nice to her, why you want to meet up while you’re getting really close to her for some reason or other. And so she’s probably suspicious of these things and seeing your actions through this lens of well, you know, I just wants to get back together with me and if you want to overcome this then you’re going to have to really build that trust. Like we just talked about with Rebecca.

Trust is something that you build over time and when it comes to your ex, you’re just gonna have to demonstrate to her that, you know, this is not some kind of gimmick. This is not some kind of just thing you’re trying to do to get back together with A. This is actually just who you are, right? You’re going to have to show her that your way of being, as you interact with her is not just some sort of ploy, some sort of gimmicks, some sort of tactics and sort of tricks some sort of mind games. And sort of tip or Ninja thing or whatever that you learned on the Internet for trying to get back together with her, but it’s just who you are. Okay. And once you build that consistency, she’ll probably start to relax a little bit and start to open up to you a little bit more and that’s when she’ll, she’ll really start to start to see the connection between the two of you is genuine.

Okay? But it’s going to require you to build that trust, which is going to require some consistency on your part. So in the meantime, the most important thing that you can do is to continue to focus on building high quality interactions between the two of you that bring the two of you closer together on an emotional level. Okay. It sounds like she’s really open to interacting with you, so that’s definitely a good thing. It’s definitely a good foundation to build on. So hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on your situation. Our next question is from faithful in love. Faithful in love. Writes in and says, hello clay. I think my long distance ex is at the riding the dragon stage. We have barely been moving forward within the past few weeks, which worries me. We’re still only commuting, hitting through text message. I’d still say we still have a great connection with deep conversation and silly jokes.

Conversations are always positive. Sometimes he’s really sweet to me, but never romantic. Sometimes he gets from sweet interactions to not making an effort to talk to me. Well. I see him posting on social media obviously being bored. It occurs that he still doesn’t get back to my messages for an hour or so. Seems as if there’s still reactants on his side that he’s trying to hide in positive interactions with me and as if he’s more invested, desperately trying to start a conversation with other girls on twitter, but as he’s reaching out to me daily and always getting back to my messages eventually I don’t feel like complaining about it. We will see each other again in about a month and I hope things are just being on hold because he’s waiting for our meetup to happen so he can see that. I’ve really changed, so my question is, is keeping our interactions positive using the magic questions to create deep conversations and joking a lot, the best thing I can do in this situation or is there anything that comes to your mind that I could do better to move things forward, lower his reactants, and to come closer?

Again, thanks a lot for helping us all. Appreciate it. Make no mistake. The most important thing that you can do if you want to be in a relationship with somebody is to create positive emotional connections with that person. Okay. I say this a lot and people seem to not realize that. I literally mean this. Okay. People think that when I say the connection between you and another person is the most important thing. They seem to overlook this and say, well, yeah, but they’re in a rebound relationship. Yeah, but they said that we should just be friends. Yeah, but we are long distance. Yeah, but this. Yeah, but that. Yeah, but they’re talking to people on twitter or something like that and make no mistake that this is the most important thing that you can do. If you have the strongest emotional connection with somebody else stronger than a connection they’re able to have with somebody else out there, anyone else out there and they already think you’re attractive, otherwise they would have never been in a relationship with you to begin with.

Right? So if you’re attractive and you have a strong connection, why wouldn’t the two of you get back together? The only possible answers that there’s maybe emotional baggage or something like that, but again, you can clear that out through consistency, through how you bring yourself to interactions through advanced relational skills, through things like fresh start letters and stuff like that. You can get over that when it comes to what you should be focusing on. It is having a high quality interactions that bring the two of you closer together on an emotional level. This is literally the most important thing. I would not worry about what he does with people on twitter or other social media websites. In fact, I would not be paying attention to that. Like unless it’s for some reason critically important for you, somehow, like maybe you have common friends or something like that.

for you to be, you know, observing his twitter activity and lining up when he posts certain things too. When you send texts to him or something like that, I would just ignore it. It’s not important. It is not important. What is most important is the quality of the connection that you have between you and him. Okay. That is the most important thing that you could possibly focus on. I mean, I don’t know. Maybe he’s not responding to you right away because he’s trying to think about the right thing to say and he’s just kind of distracting himself by doing whatever on social media. I mean, I don’t know. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve ever heard of somebody doing that. Don’t worry about that. Just focus on the quality of the connection that you have between you and him. That is literally the most important thing.

If you want to be in a relationship with somebody ignored everything else and just focus on that and you will be a. okay. Okay. Our next question is from Danny. Danny says hi clay, or a couple of weeks ago and may have made it sound like my ex was dating someone else while we were together. That was unintentional. I just meant that because of the timelines, I thought that it was a possibility, but actually I have no idea and it’s also just as likely that she met them afterwards. This week I have something else on my mind. I emailed her a couple of weeks ago to see if she wanted to meet for breakfast or coffee. She was very friendly and said that she would like that, but was going to be traveling for most of August and we’d probably need to do it near the end of the month.

I sent her an email four or five days ago telling her that I hope that she had a happy summer travel and was going to be down in her area for the weekend after Labor Day if she wanted to meet. She didn’t respond, but I saw that she opened the email. The morning after that I sent it. I have been emailing my ex using the email tracker so that I at least know if and when she’s reading my emails. This is currently our only form of communication. Then yesterday she liked a picture of mine on facebook. She has not done that since last November. It’s obvious to me that she is in test drive phase and not really sure how to interact with me. It took such a long time for us to start communicating again. I definitely don’t want to scare her off. What kind of strategy would you recommend during this phase?

In terms of how often? I try to communicate and follow up on. On answered communication. Okay, so when it comes to how often you should be communicating with somebody there, there’s no set thing like text them every couple of days or text them once a week or something like that. People want an answer like that because it allows them to turn their brain off and to not think, but turning your brain off and not thinking is essentially just not being present in the interaction and if you’re not being present in the interaction, then what’s the point of even having the interaction to begin with? What’s the point of being in a relationship if you’re not even going to be present in that relationship, so I don’t want you to turn your brain off and just robo text her every week or every three days or whatever it might be.

I want you to feel into the situation and know what the right amount of time to text her is. Okay? And here’s a tip. You can text her as much as you want to, as long as the interactions feel good on an emotional level. If they start to feel bad on an emotional level, immediately stop texting and dial it back until you’re able to recalibrate to where things are emotionally and um, you’re able actually have interactions that feel good on an emotional level. Okay? Once you’re able to do this, you can start texting again, so it’s not a matter of just Robo texting them, you know, turn your brain off and just robo text them like once a week or something like that. It’s a matter of tuning into where the emotional connection between you and your ex is. If you can tune into where the emotional connection is, then you’ll know, hey, you know, we just had this great conversation a couple weeks ago.

I can text them now and it’s probably going to feel good. Or Hey, uh, you know, she has answered the last four or five texts that I’ve sent her. So if I sent her another text and it’s coming from the same place energetically, then, then it’s probably not going to feel so great and it’s just probably going to pull back and it’s not gonna feel good and all that stuff. Right? And so the most important thing for you to do is to learn how to tap into that. And the way that you tap into that is by doing the exercises that we out lay for you inside the esp course. Okay. Have you done those exercises? I want to check with you and make sure that you’ve done those exercises because that’s a. that’s important in your development and understanding of the advanced relational skills.

What I would do in your particular situation, first of all, get rid of the email tracker. You don’t need that. That’s just giving you like pointless information that that’s not telling you anything meaningful. Like you don’t need to know, oh, she opened the email on Thursday night, but you know she hasn’t even bothered to respond to use and that’s just going to create a story in your mind and you’re basically setting her up to fail. You’re setting her up to to come out as some sort of uncaring person when you’re using the email tracker. So I would get rid of the email tracker and I would also stop keeping score over. You know how often she likes photos of yours on facebook, whether it’s been since November or whatever. Right. I would, I would stop keeping score that you can go back and listen to our relationship and our game experience episode on keeping score.

If you want a refresher on that, but I would stop doing that now. Instead, focus solely on, okay, where are things emotionally right now? You know, you’ve texted her. She has not responded clearly. Something is not working. Maybe it could be related to how you’re bringing yourself to the interaction. If that’s the case then change it. Maybe it could be related to the circumstances that she’s in. You know, maybe she went traveling for August and she just got back and she hasn’t had the time to get her life back on track yet. You know, she has to catch up with all her bills and she has like a month was the mail to go through and, and you know, she has to pay her rent and she’s got all this new laundry she needs to do and she has an empty refrigerator. She needs to go shopping and fill out that stuff up.

And you know, on top of that there’s like all these people that are like, hey, how was your trip to such and such a place? And all that stuff. Just needs to get all of that stuff taken care of. And you’re just another one of those people pestering her, right? If that’s the case, then give her a little bit of time. Right. How would you feel if you were in that situation where you stepped away from your life for a month and then suddenly you step back and you had to just sort of put your whole life back together again? You might need a little bit of time, in which case, hey, that’s okay. Give her a couple of days or maybe a week or something and then check back in. See say something like, Hey, I remember we made some plans to get together for a Brunch, um, at the end of August or beginning of September.

Just wanting to follow up on that. Are you free on De de, De, De, De, De, De, De, De, De, de, de de place. And get something to eat. Just something as simple as that. You don’t have to have an email track or to keep score and to set her up to fail. You don’t need to, you know, be overly obsessed with facebook likes or anything like that. Just just ask for what you want, you don’t need to play these mind games, you don’t need to play these a hidden agenda kind of things. You don’t need to keep score or anything like that. Just simply asked for what you want and use whatever response you get from that as feedback to say, hey, this is working, or no, I need to change my approach. Okay, so I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Our next question is from PA, PA says, Hi Clay. My ex broke up with me five months ago. I started ESP mid June. I made a limited no contact and progressed with advanced relational skills since the time felt right. I initiated contact more often with him while he was abroad for a month. Those last weeks we’ve been talking regularly. I felt that he was curious about me. He was more involved in the interaction and shared more than ever before. I thought progress was happening. I felt like his behavior was leading me on. It was still really nice to talk with him until Wednesday or until he came back from his one month trip. He then got colder again Friday. I could have met up with a friend, but they finally didn’t let me join them. I asked my friend about what happened Friday night and he told me that my ex was not comfortable seeing me and my ex said that we were back on talking terms and then my ex said that he was okay exchanging news but didn’t want it to become daily and that he felt that I really wanted more and so he doesn’t know how to react and that he doesn’t want to lead me on wondering if he should completely cut contact but doesn’t want to really do it either that he felt my changes, but said it doesn’t matter considering that he might be at riding a dragon.

I hope you can confirm this. Should I go back to anc for some time and try to rebuild the connection a later to soften up a bit? his fear of my agenda or is it something else that I should do or tell him? I now realized that I really wanted to go to quickly hoping for the daily communication, but it was definitely too soon, I think since it was not an absolute no contact since we occasionally talked on whatsapp group and that he could have some news from me there. It didn’t feel like a big deal going back to texting. Meanwhile he was really responding, showing me interest and sending me pictures, vocals and sharing subtle references to our memories. Even initiated once for the second time in five months. I hope all of these were really good signs and then I didn’t make up all of the progress I thought that I was seeing.

It is a hard setback. Thank you clay. Okay, so the question is, I’m considering that he might be at riding the dragon. Should I go back to ANC for some time and try to rebuild the connection later to soften up a bit of fear for his agenda or is it something else that I should do or tell him? Okay. So, I think this is really just a trust issue. It seems that he was pretty open to interacting with you, but he was, well, he was traveling overseas and that could potentially be because of the emotional distance of being far away and knowing that, hey, you know, I’m, I’m on this vacation, this trip, this whatever, for I don’t know, a month and I don’t have to actually deal with my real life because I’m, I don’t know, cavorting through Europe or something like that.

But then once you come back into your real life, it’s like, oh, okay, this, this person who had been texting with sharing pictures with and all that stuff. Suddenly they want to meet up. They want to flirt with me. They want to do all these other things with me, and then it can suddenly become real. Right? And so if he is emotionally unavailable, which he may or may not be, that could potentially scare him off, which could inspire him to say all of these things. Clearly he was open to interacting with you until the end of his travels and then suddenly all of these things became a big deal. So it could be an emotional unavailability issue going on there, but, but really beneath it all, it’s really about trust. I think that he felt comfortable interacting with you potentially because of an emotional unavailability thing, but also because of trust as well too.

You know, he had a good time interacting with you, but now he’s starting to doubt your intentions. He’s starting to wonder what’s really going on. you know, now that, that protection of him being out of the country, him traveling and all of that stuff is gone. That kept you at a distance. He doesn’t have that protection any longer. And so he, he’s starting to feel that there might be some sort of hidden agenda or something like that. And so, like we’ve talked about in several of the earlier questions, it really is about trust. It really is about rebuilding that trust between you and him. So it’s going to be about consistency. It’s going to be about showing him that what you have done in terms of changing your way of being in this situation is legitimate. It’s not just a gimmick. It’s not just some sort of mind game is not just some sort of thing that you read off the.

It’s an actual real change that’s happened in your way of being. This is his self preservation mechanism coming into play, so to speak, and if you’re able to get past this, then he will trust you in a very deep kind of way. Okay, but you have to be able to show him through consistency that this is who you actually are and they’re not just trying to do something to try to win him back. Okay, so I hope this helps you out, PA, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. From here, our next question is from Goodman. Goodman says, hi clay. I got my first meet up with my ex a week ago before my trip to Asia. Hello from my home city in north China. We had brunch together and it went okay. I think it went okay, but most of the topics were very much surface level talk and we couldn’t go very deep.

I did joke a bit to help relax the mood. In the end, we hugged for about 20 seconds before we parted ways. I said, let’s get together in a few weeks. I could sense a bit of her reactance as she was reluctant. Although she didn’t say no. She said that she’d be very busy in the next, a new semester. I said, okay. I probably would be busy next few months because of the company move as well. Let’s just see when it can work out. I sent her an email this past Thursday just with some scenic pictures. I put in the end a few sentences hoping that it would help her stay at ease. I said, quote, I’m glad we could put things behind us and interact with each as to new people and stay in each other’s lives and quote, not sure if it would increase her reactants and I haven’t heard from her sense for three days.

My plan is to give a bit of space and I couldn’t hear from her this week and then reach out any suggestions? Okay, good. So in the future when you are interacting with her, you really can’t keep it at a superficial level. You really can’t do this. This is the kiss of death for interactions and meet ups. You know, where it’s just talking about, I dunno, the weather coworkers, sports tv shows, gossip, people that, you know, uh, things that happened in the past, stuff like that. Like you, you gotta take it to the emotional level. I know it can be scary. I know it can be risky to say things to put yourself out there to say, hey, I was really excited when this happened. Or Hey, I was kind of afraid when that happened. Have you ever felt the same way or something like that.

I know it can be a little bit difficult, but you gotta do it. If you don’t do it, you’re gonna leave the interactions, plastic and flat and one dimensional and she’s gonna look at it as some sort of thing that she just kind of white knuckled it through. It’s not going to be enjoyable and she’s not going to want to do it again. Right. So Jay just as like a side story. Okay. When I was at university I was like, in my early twenties I was taking the bus home from the city where the school is to my mom’s house in the suburbs for the weekend and I was riding the bus and there was this young woman attractive sitting across from me on the bus and there was this guy, so he next raise know, I don’t know, some kind of like guy who’s just trying to hit on her.

He just kept trying to ask her questions like, oh, hey, do you like, what do you think of the huskies sports team? What do you think of a, this thing that’s happening here? Like how, what, what are you studying? oh, that’s cool. Like, do you like, do you go to this place? Have you ever been to that place? And all that stuff. And she was really uncomfortable. She didn’t like it. She, she did not enjoy that experience. In fact, a, because I was sitting like right across from both of them, she was actually kind of looking at me making eye contact with me, like Kinda like helped me with what’s going on, who is this crazy Weirdo and um, you know, I could, all I could do is just kinda like smile back and just drug my shoulders and oh, that stuff. But if you just keep it on the surface level, you’re kind of like that guy, you’re that guy talking to that attractive woman and she is not enjoying it.

And at the end of the bus ride she’s just like desperately looking for someone else to try and bail her out of that situation. Okay. So you got to take it to an emotional level. You got to put yourself into the interaction. You got to put some skin in the game. You got to be an active part of the interaction. Not just somebody who brings up stories and mentions things and stuff like that, but somebody who actually shares their own emotional experience, hey, I felt this way when this happened. Hey, when, when you told me that it made me feel this way, hey, I heard a story about that, and you know, you got to put yourself into the interaction. If you don’t, then the other person’s not going to know where you stand and if they don’t know where you stand and you’re just somebody that brings up facts, then they’re not going to trust you.

They’re not going to have an emotional connection with you and they’re not going to trust you. And if they don’t trust you, they’re not going to want to go out of the way to interact with you again. Okay? So you have to have to have to take it down to the emotional level. Never just leave it at surface level. Okay? Never do that. So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on your status moving forward from here. Our next question is from Gigi. Gigi says last week, I may not have clarified that I do not plan on staying long distance. My plan has always been to move back to where I lived the same city as him as my business is based from there, but was waiting for some health stuff to improve. With that in mind, my return didn’t happen as quickly as I’d hoped and so after multiple times of him asking me to meet my ex has stopped really reaching out.

I feel I stopped trying recently because his lack of effort discouraged me. I fell into a slump, but I know deep down that this is the person I want to be with. We used to speak daily and he used to share his feelings. I do agree that he got frustrated with the distance. I can understand. You said he likely isn’t feeling a connection anymore. After some major self encouragement and realizing that it was best to keep trying to build a connection. I did reach out to a him this weekend. He seemed pulled back at first, but for the first time in a long while he showed curiosity to what I had a going on and some of my interests though nothing deep. It felt nice to have him invest a little bit more than usual in the conversation. I also have decided to head back to town sooner to focus on my work and we eventually see my ex.

I can’t see him right away due to working out my health stuff still, but I’m not sure he still wants to see me if I’m going back to town next month, but not sure if he still wants to see me. Should I just keep the communication going and build up to possibly meeting at some point or should I mentioned that I’ll be returning sooner and that perhaps once I’m feeling up for it we can get together. I don’t want to assume that he’d still want to visit nor frustrated him if I can’t meet right away when I return, if he doesn’t. Thanks. Okay. So if you’re going to visit, uh, the town where he lives in the town that you are intending to move to once your health issues are cleared up. I mean like, I don’t see why you wouldn’t mention that to him. Assuming you’re in a fairly regular contact with him.

I would just say, Hey, just to let you know I’m going to be visiting any town USA or any town, wherever country you live in it in a month. Uh, just wanted to let you know, like if you want to get some coffee, would be great to catch up. Something as simple as that. Like you don’t have to make a big deal about it. You don’t have to make it into this like, oh gosh, like if you really want to, we can get together, but you know, it’s okay if you’re busy. I mean I was just thinking maybe we could do like, you don’t have to make it into a big ordeal like that. Just something like, Hey, want to get together? I’m going to be in town on such and such a date. Just something as simple as that. It doesn’t have to be a big ordeal, don’t have to make it into a stressful thing.

Just just spit it out as simple as that. And if he says yes, cool. If he says no, then you know, whenever you with that. And if he just doesn’t respond to you, then you know, deal with that as well too. But, but, uh, don’t overthink it. I would definitely throw it out there and just see how he responds from there. So, Gigi, I hope that helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Daniel. Daniel says, hi clay. Thanks for answering my previous question in the last RIG episode. That’s really helpful for you to point out that if I sounded scripted, it means that I’m not present. Keep going back to past history in an effort to try to sound authentic when I wasn’t. And realizing that there’s some part of me that it’s off. To follow up with an additional question.

What are some methods or ways that I can become more present on a daily basis in how I talk and to turn on the part of me that you saw as off in terms of interactions when it comes to being more present in your daily life? you know, there’s, there’s, there’s things that you can do, uh, that we, that we talk about inside the core, such as feeling into your body and all of that stuff and there are other ways that you can do that as well too. Such as, just, just being outside is a great way to do that. You know, especially in the morning when the air is fresh, when it’s a little bit cooler, it kind of wakes you up. You kind of feel that connection with nature. I mean, I guess it depends on exactly what part of the world you live in, but you know, here in the Seattle area, the air’s fairly cool right now in the morning.

And so, if you just step outside and just breathe that in, just feel the air, that, that’s a great way to do it. other things to do are to just, just throughout the day, just be present with what’s right in front of you. Whether that’s like your cup of coffee in the morning or whether that’s a your walk to work or to the bus stop or to your car or whatever, you know, what, what is it like to feel your feet as you take each step towards the bus stop towards where you worked or your car, whatever. I’m just, what is it like to just suddenly to tune out all those thoughts that you’re thinking and just be like, oh, look at that. It’s a nice sky. It’s some birds singing. There’s some leaves ruffling in the breeze or something like that. Just because what does it like to turn all of that bs off and just be present with what is actually real, what you can actually perceive right now in front of you without all the stories, without all the games, without.

Although with this, without that, without the. He said, she said without all of that stuff. Okay. And another thing that, that I’ve found particularly helpful for myself as well too, is to be very present about the words that I use when I’m talking. I’ve noticed that, that, uh, when you, when people generally use a lot of figures of speech, slang, colloquialisms and stuff like that, it generally indicates that they’re not very present and they’re just saying things to, I dunno, fill up Space, and if you are a little bit more measured in the words that you use, it causes you to be a little bit more present to how you’re thinking. The more measured you are in your words that you use, the more tuned in you are tier two words that you use in your own thought process and the more tuned in you are to your own thought process.

The more tuned in you are to where your mind is. Is your mind zoned out on something? Is your mind focused in on something else? But I would just notice what are the words that you use when you’re talking to other people? Do you say? A lot of just throwaway social jargon. Like I’m just going with the flow, easy, come easy go, you know, stuff like that. Are you actually saying things that show that you’re just putting a little bit more thought behind your words as opposed to just saying something that society is answering for you, if that makes any sense. So I would watch your words out. Get in touch with nature. I would really feel into your body. Feel into your body what your body. Have some weight, feel, what it feels like to take steps, feel what it feels like to sit fueled.

It feels like to go through your daily motions. Just tune out your thoughts from time to time and just notice what’s literally in front of you. Like what to literally in front of me is I’m just a guy sitting in a chair, sit in front of a computer talking into a microphone. that, that’s all that’s happening right now. I could tell myself some story about. I’m having a conversation with Daniel. I could tell myself a story about how there’s going to be like hundreds of people that listen to this recording. I could tell myself any number of stories, but at the end of the day, what if I actually get present? Right now, I’m just a guy sitting on a chair talking into a microphone sitting in front of a computer and that’s it. That’s it. That’s all that I am and I’m the more present I can get to that, the more present I can be in my day to day life, so I hope that helps you out, Daniel, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Okay, those have been our questions for this week. Once again, this has been quite with modern love.life. If you’ve liked the relationship in our game experience, please give us a thumbs up. Go ahead and subscribe to our channel on Youtube and subscribe to us on itunes. If that’s your preferred way of listening to us and please leave a comment down below. With that being said, once again, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life, and I hope that this has helped you improve your relationship inner game. Talking next week.

 

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The Secret To Getting A Fresh Start With Your Ex https://modernlove.life/the-secret-to-getting-a-fresh-start-with-your-ex/ Thu, 06 Sep 2018 20:41:48 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2416 The post The Secret To Getting A Fresh Start With Your Ex appeared first on Modern Love.

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Here’s an email I got from a subscriber of this newsletter:

Hey guys,

I don’t even know where to begin, I am so shocked. Today my ex contacted me. He was asking a lot of questions and I took my time replying but when I did I kept it short and sweet but polite. Suddenly he started texting me like a he use to when we just started dating. 

He just sent me a message again asking if he can see me tomorrow night but almost like he was scared I would say no. I said since he was asking so nicely I will see him tomorrow and just like a school boy with a crush he said: ” YES!!! can’t wait. xx”

I was not expecting this at all.

So I would like to thank the main brain behind this, Clay, I watched so much of your videos and well I have to say it was time well spent and I learnt so much. I would do it all over again.

Job well done guys.

Keep up the good work

Anandi

First of all, Anandi, thanks for taking the time to write in.

I really appreciate hearing from readers.

Anyway, it sounds like you’re making good progress with your ex.

The Most Important Thing to

Focus on with Your Ex

At this point, the most important thing for you to focus on is having a great emotional connection with him in the present moment.

One of the biggest mistakes that I’ve seen people make once they get in contact with their ex or get that first or second date, is that they become “relationship focused.”

That is to say that they try to get their ex to commit to a relationship, put a label on the two of you (being boyfriend and girlfriend, etc.), or otherwise, focus on the outcome. 

This isn’t what you want to do because right now, you and your ex need to rebuild the connection that you’ve got before the two of you will be able to get to this point.

The most important thing you can do is to simply have a great time together WITHOUT worrying about “where this is going.”

Think of It Like Dating Again

You don’t try to force someone to be your boyfriend or girlfriend on the first date.

You take time to get to know each other and build a track record of great experiences together.

THEN, you commit to one another.

That’s how it works when you’re getting back together with your ex too.

So, how do you do that?

Well, you’ve got to focus on making the interactions between you and your ex feel good.

Improving the Connection with Your Ex

The best way I know of to make that happen is to work on the Advanced Relational Skills that I’ve outlined in the Ex Solution Program course.

These skills work to help you build those positive connections with your ex so that the two of you can have a strong foundation for a budding new relationship.

You might find the two of you laughing together, sharing together, loving together.

Hours may even seem to slip by without either of you even really noticing.

Sound good?

If so, then you might want to check out the Ex Solution Program course.

You can learn more or sign up right over here.

-Clay

PS: Thanks again for writing in Anandi, and keep me updated on how things are going.

Looking for Help Saving a Relationship?

Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you get started saving your relationship or getting your ex back today.

Looking for Help Saving a Relationship?

Tell me a little more about your situation and I’ll send you advice, tips, and strategies to help you get started saving your relationship or getting your ex back today.

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Post Title https://modernlove.life/post-title/ Thu, 06 Sep 2018 18:56:49 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2408 The post Post Title appeared first on Modern Love.

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Looking for a Second Chance at Love?

I’ve been helping people get back together and save their relationships since 2009.

The main thing that people who save their relationship have in common is that they can create a positive emotional connection with their partner that inspires them to actually want to get back together.

The Advanced Relational Skills we teach in the Ex Solution Program have already helped countless people get a second chance at love.

Will you be next?

Looking for Something to Save Your Relationship?

You’ve made it to the bottom of this page, which means that something on here has resonated with you.

If that’s the case, then you’d probably be interested in learning about how Advanced Relational Skills can help you develop an intensely strong emotional connection that will help you save your relationship.

The post Post Title appeared first on Modern Love.

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Are You Wasting Your Time? [RIG 24] https://modernlove.life/are-you-wasting-your-time/ Sat, 01 Sep 2018 03:41:45 +0000 https://modernlove.life/?p=2362 The post Are You Wasting Your Time? [RIG 24] appeared first on Modern Love.

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Let’s face it, there is no magic formula that can calculate if a relationship is going to work out or not.

We get a lot of questions from our members asking us if they still have chance with their exes? Or if there is hope of getting back together? Or what the odds are that this will work out? What I see behind all of these questions is that, they want to know if they are wasting time with this person.

I want to get to the bottom of this because this is very important and you’re only wasting your time with someone if you learn nothing from that experience.

If you absolutely gain nothing from this experience then you’re wasting your time.

We have all at some point have gone through challenges. Whether it’s somebody ghosting you, or your ex flaking out on a date, or your partner cheating. It’s easy for us to fall in to the trap of thinking, I just wasted my time trying to make that relationship work. I just wasted my time trying to connect with this person. I just wasted my time trying to date that person.

It’s just a very sad way of looking at life because the truth is everything that you experience, everything that you encounter, everything that happens to you in your life is an opportunity to learn something from it.

So let’s dive in to this week’s lesson.

Click here to watch this week’s episode of the Relationship Inner Game Experience

-Clay

Am I wasting my time in this relationship? Why you’re only wasting your time if you learn nothing from an experience [RIG 24]

Hey there, this is clay with www.ModernLove.Life and this is the relationship inner game experience. Today we’re going to be talking about the topic of how to know if you’re wasting your time with somebody or not. Oftentimes I get questions from people that, you know, somebody goes onto explain their situation, the story and all of that, and then they say, do I still have a chance? Is there still hope? What are the odds that this will work out? Or something like that. And I often looked behind this and I was like, well, what do they want me to say that they have a 76.4 % chance that this will work out or something. Like I have some kind of computer in my back room or something that’s gonna, you know, I put in all the info “Oh was a long distance relationship.

There is a rebound person and just do, do, do, do, do” you know, 82 percent chance or something. But, but when I really started to look underneath it a little bit more, I realized that people just want to know if they’re wasting their time or not when they are trying to pursue a relationship with somebody or pursue some sort of connection with somebody. And I want to get to the bottom of this because this is very important and that is that your only wasting your time. If you learn nothing from the experience. If you have absolutely nothing from the experience, then you are wasting your time. You know, people often go through things like relationship challenges, dating challenges, you know, somebody ghosts them, somebody flakes out on them, somebody cheats on them, or even just like breakups, you know, they want to get back together, but maybe it doesn’t work out for one reason or another.

And they often think, oh, well, you know, I just wasted my time trying to make that work. I just wasted my time trying to connect with this person. I just wasted my time trying to date that person. And that’s a really sad way to go about looking at things. It’s a really sad way to go about looking at life because the truth is everything that you experience, everything that you encounter, everything that happens to you in your life is an opportunity to learn something from it. It’s an opportunity to learn something from it and it’s an opportunity to gain a lesson from it that you can take and move into the future, into your future experiences, so maybe things didn’t work out in a previous relationship or you just gonna let that be just a terrible thing that happened and you’re just gonna feel bad for a week or two or something and then you’re going to get out there and start dating again and just do the whole thing all over again.

Are you going to say, wow, that’s something terrible happened. Let me see. Like why she cheated on me. Let me see like why he flaked out on me? What could I do differently in the future to make sure that that doesn’t happen? Could I be maybe choosing different partners? Could I be a behaving in a different way when we’re together? Could I be doing this or that? Right? If you actually learned something from the process than it is never a wasted experience, so have that mindset and you won’t ever have to worry about this ever again because no matter what happens to you, you will win. No matter what happens to you, you will gain valuable lessons. No matter what happens to you, you will find a way to make success from it. Okay, so find the lesson in everything that happens and use it to your advantage.

This is something extremely important and I never want you to forget this. No matter what your relationship situation is, no matter what things happened to you in dating or relationships moving forward, always find a way to gain something from your experiences, no matter how good or how bad they are. Okay? Now, beyond this, people I know, just want to know, hey, is there even a possibility that it’s going to work out? You know, is it even a possibility that we’re gonna? Get together and be in a relationship, isn’t even a possibility that she likes me, isn’t even a possibility that he wants to be my boyfriend, and the truth of the matter is beyond just taking a lesson from things that happen to you in your life there, there really is no way to completely remove risk, to live a life without risk and uncertainty.

There’s always going to be a certain degree of uncertainty in life, especially when it comes to dating, unless of course you just completely opt out of dating and just decide you’re going to not try and just be single. There’s nothing wrong with that, but that is the only way to have certainty when it comes to dating. When you are in a relationship with somebody, when you’re dating somebody, when you are in partnership of some kind with somebody, you are inherently uncertain because it doesn’t just involve you. It also involves another person. Okay, and that person has their own freewill. That person can make their own choices. That person can make their own decisions and so on and so forth. So as long as you’re gaining something from it, as long as you’re learning something from it, you’re going to come out ahead. But there is that degree of uncertainty and you have to be able to expose yourself to uncertainty in calculated doses.

Okay? I mean, obviously don’t just go out there and try to be in a relationship with somebody that you know is severely incompatible with you or somebody that, you know, there’s just a complete mismatch between the two of you or something like that because that is as, from what I understand that Thai people say like a dog barking at an airplane, the dog is getting all worked up trying to, I don’t know, do something with the airplane, but the airplane of course is, you know, thousands and thousands of feet overhead and is completely unaware that the dog is even there. Right? So you don’t want to do that, but, you want to be completely okay with uncertainty or at least okay with the amount of uncertainty that you’re welcoming into your life. If you’re not okay with the amount of uncertainty that you’re putting yourself in, then you might want to dial it back to some amount of uncertainty that you are emotionally okay with, or you might want to look at increasing your capacity for uncertainty in your life.

You have one of those two options, again, once more to reiterate. Also, learn something from whatever happens to you in your love life. Learn something from any setback that you experience and use that to your advantage to have a stronger approach, a stronger strategy, a more compelling future for you. Don’t let the setbacks that happen just be, you know, terrible, awful, crappy things that happened to you and then you know, you just brush yourself off and then go out there and do the whole same thing all over again. Learn something from it, refine your approach, get a little bit better with every experience that you have. So with that being said, let’s go and talk about our questions and answers this week from the people in our modern love association community.

Our first question is from Daniel. Daniel writes in and says, how do you develop a more natural way of authenticity instead of sounding scripted in interactions? Okay, Daniel, so when it comes to sounding scripted in interactions, that’s probably because there is a part of you that actually is scripting your interactions, a part of you that actually is in some respect turning your brain off and just going off of some sort of memorized script or something that you thought of beforehand or something that seemed to work in the past or something along those lines and whenever you’re interacting with somebody in that way from some sort of script or some sort of memorized speech or some sort of thing that you thought beforehand or something like that, you’re going to be dead in the interactions because you’re not actually present in the interactions yourself. You’re sort of hitting pause and saying, okay, let me go back through my history, my memory, whatever, and pull out this thing that I thought up.

I don’t know, a week ago or this thing that I said to the last five girls that I went out with or something. That worked out pretty well and let me just use that and that isn’t really very authentic because when you’re actually being authentic in the moment, you’re actually able to gauge the other person’s response, gauged their engagement with you and gauge how they are following your story or how they are following what it is you’re telling them or how they’re following the interaction and you’re able to adjust what you’re saying to match them. So if they seem like they’re getting bored, you could maybe say, hey, it seems like this is a little bit boring for you, or you know, just check in with them or you could maybe change up the pacing or if they’re more of a detail person, you could maybe go into some more details about some of the things that you’re telling them or, whatever it might be.

But you have to be able to feel into the interaction to be able to know whether you should be speeding up, slowing down, revealing more of yourself, reviewing less of yourself and so on and so forth. And this all involves actually being present in the moment. So if you’re sounding scripted or if you’re sounding inauthentic, then that probably is because there is some part of you in those interactions that is not authentic, that is not being really present in the moment, there is not being alive in that interaction and I would look at how data is showing up for you and I’d look at ways that you could stop doing that and instead start being more present and following, engaging where the other person might actually be in the moment. Okay. So I hope that helped you out, Daniel, and if you have any more questions, please let us know.

Our next question is from Jp. Jp writes in and says in some of your old MQAs, you mentioned that if an ex is giving complete radio silence, it may be beneficial to respond to that silence with empathy, clear up ulterior motives or to respond to the unanswered message as if it were asked to you. At what point do you suggest using these approaches over the light hemingway or Texas Tequila type message? Okay, JP. So like I was just telling to Daniel, you want to be able to feel into the moment to know when the right time to use this as. It’s not just like, okay, when the following three things are present, then you can turn your brain off and clear up an ulterior motive or something like that. What I want you to use, I want you to be able to ascertain what the right time to do these sorts of things is.

But just as a rule of thumb, you have to feel into the moment. You have to understand what the other person’s emotional experience is. So for example, if you’re trying to contact somebody but they’re not contacting you back and you think that there might be some sort of emotional thing going on with them that’s causing them to not want to contact you back, you know, you might want to say, okay, well, would it make more sense? Would they feel more open and more comfortable talking to me if maybe I responded to their silence with empathy? Would they feel more open and comfortable talking to me if I cleared up some sort of ulterior motive or if I apologized for something that I did that that they’re still holding onto hurt feelings for something like that, would it help them to feel more comfortable interacting with me?

If I got the conversation going myself and responded to the message as if it were asked to me, I don’t want you to just be looking for signs or clues or hints or things like that to tell you when the right time to use a certain strategy or another would be. I want you to actually be able to put yourself in the other person’s position to see the world from their position so that you can understand, okay. I think they are probably upset with me because they’re still, I don’t know, still hurt because of that thing that I said that one time and they’re not willing to let go of it and they’re still holding onto that grudge and if you’re able to do that and you don’t need me to tell you, oh yeah, they’re still holding onto a grudge. But if you’re actually able to feel into that situation yourself and say, oh, they are still holding onto a grudge, you can say, Hey, I understand you might still be pissed off because of that thing I said anyway.

I would just really want you to know that, that I didn’t really mean that. Or you know, whatever. Just cleared up and then you can start to have a conversation because you know, if they are still upset with you over something that you said or did from the past, just as an example, they’re not going to be able to let go of that and have a nice, friendly conversation with you until that’s cleared up. I mean that should be pretty obvious, right? So you want to be able to feel into these situations, you want to be able to know what the right thing to do is by putting yourself in the other person’s positions, not by just memorizing a bunch of if then sort of scenarios, I want you to actually be able to feel into the situation so that you can see the experience and feel the experience of what you are projecting to the other person from that person’s point of view and you can say, Ooh, that probably doesn’t feel good because I don’t trust you enough yet or because I’m still upset about the thing that happened in the past or because I don’t know if you’re invested in this conversation.

And then you can say, okay, well if they’re feeling that way, then I should do this instead. Okay, so JP, I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Sue. Sue writes in and says, hi clay. D and I broke up six months ago. We were together for four years and he is in a rebound relationship with somebody who is very controlling. She tracks his location on his phone and made him block me everywhere, sent an email from his email telling me not to reach out to him, etc. He also says that she is not his girlfriend and no title and it’s not gonna last says that they are not compatible and constantly have differences, but 10 days ago, D had taken her to a business meeting where our common friend was present.

Our friend told me that they looked like a happy couple and even kissed at breakfast. That broke my heart. However, the next day he texted me all day long highlights of which word quote I think about you constantly still and can’t seem to get a clear understanding of anything and quote, quote, I wish I fully understood all that and took the dive and risk and got married or what the next step would have been. I mean, after all those years, it’s pretty evident that we’ve been through thick and thin and quote quote. I often thought what would have happened when I say I love you in person and how it would feel and quote, these were just some of the messages during our conversation that he kept asking if I loved the guy that I’m dating and if I’ve slept with him. However, as I suspected, not only did he disappear, he also blocked me on whatsapp.

The next day I’ve been going on dates just to keep myself distracted and one of them even seem to be growing on me and seems more and more interesting, but my heart is with D and D is all that I want without all the games that he’s been playing. I would like to know at which stage of getting back together he is on. Would he even get back since he has a girlfriend though? He says that he misses me. He has blocked me everywhere. Do I still have a chance? Okay, so in terms of the stage that he might be in, it’s. It’s really tough if we’re just going off of some text messages here, but I would guess that he is probably in late riding the dragon or possibly crisis point and the reason that I’m saying that is because I have seen a lot of positive interactions from him towards you and I haven’t really seen any negative ones, so either he hasn’t done a pullback yet or he is over that part of riding a dragon where he would be doing that pull up and he’s mostly seeing you in a positive light.

Now as he gets further and further into the crisis point, he’s going to have to deal with that crisis that he is probably not addressing directly at this point, which is what to do about this woman that he’s dating, who’s very controlling, who apparently sends emails from his email account to you, who blocks you on his social media platforms, etc, etc. He will have to deal with this at some point or another. And you know, he has to either say, Hey, I’m going to stay in a relationship with this controlling person, or no, I’m going to end this relationship and I’m going to see what happens between Sue and I and this is his decision that he asked to make. And the thing that you want to do as you enter into crisis point and as you travel through crisis point is to keep positive pressure on him.

So you want to make sure the interactions between you and him that you do have continued to feel good on an emotional level because I can guarantee you that the interactions he’s having with his current girlfriend do not feel good on an emotional level. A does not feel good to know that the person that you’re dating is tracking you on the phone, that they’re hacking into your email account and sending messages on your behalf that they’re blocking people from your social media. And so on and so forth. That’s not something that I imagine anyone would really enjoy. So she’s applying the negative pressure and if you apply the positive pressure, you’re going to sandwich him between these two possibilities and the more pressure that gets applied, the faster he will feel compelled to make a decision. If there’s not enough pressure, he will not feel compelled to make a decision.

And so we want to do is you want to apply this positive pressure to really stack the deck in your favor so that when he does make a decision, it’s more likely to go in your favor as opposed towards the controlling woman, right? If you’re gonna, throw out ultimatums and you know, have interactions that feel bad, then all bets are off. But if you have interactions that feel good, if you’re able to connect with him on a, on a positive emotional level and all of that stuff, then you’re really stacking the deck in your favor and you also want to know where to even get back. Since he has a girlfriend and he says he misses it. Yeah, I think he, he’s definitely is thinking about it. He definitely is entertaining. That idea is just, he’s not really directly confronted with that crisis yet to the point where he actually feels compelled to make a decision, right.

It might just be some sort of thought that’s floating through his head or maybe he does miss you, but he’s not committed enough to the possibility of getting back together with you to actually act on that. So you want to do things like what we recommend inside ESP and continue to build that positive emotional connection and continue to apply that pressure for things such as the crisis point. Okay. you also say that he is blocked you everywhere. Do you still have a chance? Well, it seems like he blocks you and then unblocks you or rather she blocks you and then he unblocks you and messages you and then she blocks you again. So, she is trying to control the flow of communication that he has with you and it seems that he is able to sometimes unblock you and, and, and communicate with you in that way.

So, you know, yeah, you are blocked. Yeah. You are going to have a difficult time getting through to him, most likely due to her monitoring of his activities and her managing of his activities, but it’s clear to me that he does still have strong feelings for you. Do you believe that there is a possibility that the two of you could get back together? it really depends on you and it depends on him and it depends on whether or not he is really willing to step into that crisis and to make a decision. but of course you can really help him by creating positive emotional interactions that do that now, given that his current girlfriend is a very controlling person, you may not even need to actually be there to create those positive interactions. Sometimes it’s just the memory of you being there, the memory of the positive interactions that the two of you had contrasted with the controlling interactions that they have with this other person that feel bad on an emotional level.

That could be enough to create the pressure to cause him to break up with you. But nobody can really say one way or the other. Exactly. What’s actually going to happen, but it’s definitely something that I’ve seen before. Do you still have a chance? I mean, yeah, I mean there’s, there’s always a chance. Unless of course you just give up. There’s always a possibility. So, you know, yeah, there definitely is a chance. They’re just, like I told you the last time you asked me if there was a chance in your situation. So I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Sarah. Sarah writes in and says, hi clay. My current relationship I’m trying to save, we have not broken up, at least as far as I know. At the same time, we are having a lot of arguments.

She said not being real with myself and what I want. I said I’m the best boyfriend she had, but I don’t trust her that I’m still hung up on my situation of my ex cheating on me and getting over that, that I need to get over that issue for us to have a great relationship. Also said that we spend too much time together and she is not able to do stuff on her own. We are spending time apart space as she suggests we need. I need advice as to do the active no contact as people will say that may be too long for space. I’m also doing the compatibility code course, hoping she is not seeing anyone right now at this time. This is one week so far of ANC. So far I’ve realized I have no hobbies, no friends to hang out with, felt too clingy to her and wanted her validation.

Everything from her eyes. I’m sure that I’m a mess at this time. What advice would you give me in this situation so I can get on track for keeping my relationship going? Okay, so if you realize that you have no hobbies, no friends to hang out with and you are clinging to her for validation on everything, that is where I would really start. People often think that a relationship is going to make them happy, when in fact a relationship is not going to make you happy. It’s just going to serve as a bit of distraction during the newness of it, but at the end of the day, if you don’t like your life right now, if you don’t have anything going on in your life right now, then a relationship is not going to suddenly fix it and make you suddenly love your life. You’re just going to be somebody who still hates their life.

If you hated your life before, but you’re going to also have a girlfriend or you know if you’re somebody else listening, a boyfriend in your life, and so the most important thing that you can do is to actually love the life that you live with or without someone else in it. This is going to obviously cause you to enjoy yourself a whole lot more, especially as you get into a relationship, but this is also going to make you a much more attractive person in general as well too, because you have to understand that people are going to be drawn to you and attracted to you based off of the life that you live. If you hate your life, if you’re not doing anything that you find enjoyable or worthwhile with your life, then you are basically sending a broadcast message out to everybody in the world that might date you, that says, Hey, if you want to be with somebody who hates their life and is not doing anything worthwhile with their time than I’m the guy for you.

Right? And that means that if, if there’s somebody out there who has self esteem, somebody out there who has goals and ambition in their life, somebody out there who wants to be a part of a relationship where the other person actually has some sort of driving momentum or some sort of goals or aspirations or friends or hobbies or whatever, then that person is going to be fundamentally a turned off by you. If you don’t have those things and they’re going to go and find somebody else to date, which means that the only people that are actually going to want to date you are people that are okay with you having no hobbies, no friends, no driving goals or aspirations in life. Right? And these are probably going to be a certain type of people, right? Kind of like if you know, like one thing that women often say is that, you know, oh well guy needs to approach me.

I should never approach a guy because if you approach a guy shows that he’s interested in shows that he’s serious about dating you and all that stuff. And I don’t believe that at all. Right? Really, if you take the passive route as a woman and you just wait for guys to approach you, you’re generally going to get approached by guys that generally approach women or don’t have a problem approaching women. These include drunk guys, pick up artists and players for the most part. And if you have been playing the passive role as a woman waiting for guys to approach you, you may have been able to look back at the past and say, okay, I’ve been approached by drunk guys. Pick up artists and players. Right? And it makes you wonder where are all the good guys at where all the real men. Well, the truth is is that most decent men out there don’t approach women on a regular basis.

You know, they might muster up the courage and you know, their friends might dare them to do it once in a while or something, but most regular guys don’t go up and talk to a women they’re attracted to on a, on a regular basis. Especially if those women are strangers, you know, if they know them through a friend of a friend or something, that’s a different story. But if it’s just, you know, hey, I’m out on the street and there you are across the street. Most guys aren’t going to do that. If you’re at a bar and you’re on the other side of our. Most guys aren’t just going to do that unless they are the kinds of people that are accustom to approaching strangers or unless they just happen to muster up the courage on that particular night to come over and talk to you. If you were a woman and you wanted to meet a nice decent guy who’s not a player, not a pickup artist, not a drunk.

You might actually need to change your strategy and start talking to men, approaching men, right? I’m not saying you have to like take the masculine role and ask them out on a date and you know your first word should be like, Hey, what’s good? Go out on a romantic date on it, but just have some smalltalk. Interject yourself into his presence so that he feels comfortable talking to you and that he has the ability to take the lead and to ask you out if that’s what he wants, right? But you don’t have to take the passive role and mistake that for femininity because femininity is not passive. Femininity absolutely can be active. Passive. It is just passively. It’s not feminine. Okay, so let’s clear that up and going back to what you said, Sarah, when it comes to you attracting high quality people, when it comes to high quality people being attracted to you, the best thing that you can do is to live your life from a place of power.

Live your life from a place where you actually enjoy your life because that is actually going to be incredibly much more attractive than whatever it is you’re doing now that’s causing you to not have any hobbies or friends and to seek validation from a women. Okay? Because I can guarantee you, as you start to reclaim your life, as you start to move your life into alignment with your own values, you’re going to notice that you’re going to get a much different response from the people around you. Okay, so I hope this helps you out and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from Gigi. Hi Clay. I appreciate you helping me become more aware of my ex’s frustration in not being able to meet and wanting to connect deeper as I had never realized that because I have been so focused on his pullback in texts, but I can see now how offering to meet in person does in fact me and he’s willing to go deeper, I suppose just not on phone anymore.

So to give an idea of what I meant by pull back last week, I have noticed that he is not reaching out anymore. This is a big step back to how often he used to as just a few weeks ago he was sharing photos saying I should be there. I know in videos you mentioned not worrying about who initiated it and once they fall back in love they’ll start to do more, but if it is the other direction where they were in touch often and it stops, I assume it’s due to a loss of interest. I noticed though that he responds quickly and has some conversations with me if I reach out that he doesn’t let it get too deep or if we are joking around a little bit, he doesn’t let it go on like before and drops the conversation. I feel nervous as it is different and it won’t be possible to visit his city or see if he’d visit me as you suggest for a few months.

Unfortunately, due to my health issues that he has known about, he has always disliked phone calls, so I haven’t asked for one yet though. Maybe it’s worth the risk of him saying no. Seeing as how it’s better to have voice. I’d like to know how to reconcile the two things. What would make him pull away in our communication lately, even though he has asked me to meet several times the past few months and I couldn’t do to being in the city. What is creating this new gap between his low investment in communication and having asked to meet not too long ago and how can I bridge the two until I’m able to get there in a couple of months. I feel like he is slipping away and I’m stuck. Okay, so Gigi, when it comes to situations like this there you have to understand that when somebody pulls back and is not communicative the way that they used to, it’s not always because of you.

It could be due to other things going on in his life. I don’t know. Maybe he’s just really busy with work or something came up and there’s some kind of family drama or whatever. I know that for me personally, having a newborn daughter is requiring a lot of my time and it’s making it more difficult for me to actually keep in touch with people, in my own way. Right. It’s not because of them, it’s not because they don’t like them any less. It’s just something my daughter is pulling away my attention and causing me to focus on that. Right. And so something like that could be going on. Another thing that could be happening as well too is that he is just growing frustrated with the long distance thing and it’s just not really working out for him anymore. And so he’s just kind of giving up because he just doesn’t really see it going anywhere.

He’s, he’s tired of interacting only through screens and phones and stuff like that and he’s just not feeling the connection as much and he’s starting to pull back a little bit because he, he doesn’t see a future between the two of you. Okay. So if you want to, you might, you might try reaching out to him and seeing if he would be open to talking on the phone or something like that as opposed to texting. I mean maybe that would work, I don’t know, but you just have to use, have to really think about where he’s at on an emotional level and you want to create a connection that you have to think about. Okay, well what is it that I could do to meet him where he’s at emotionally, right? So maybe he’s frustrated, maybe he’s, he’s tired of the whole texting game and all of that stuff.

He’s trying to guard himself a little bit because he can sense that you could easily be pulled into interacting with you. But he’s just frustrated because it doesn’t seem like it’s ever going to go anywhere and it’s just going to be some sort of text relationship forever and ever. Right. So what do you think you could do to meet him where he’s at emotionally that would actually cause him to feel good interacting with you that actually caused him to see a future with you? They’re actually caused him to want to co-create a future with you. Maybe that would be actually talking to him on the phone. Maybe that would be actually talking about getting together in person at some point in the future. Even if it’s months away from now, maybe you could at least talk about it or planet or or get the idea out there or something along those lines.

Right? Because that can give him something to to latch onto that can give them something to hang his hopes on. Maybe you could also talk about the possibility of the two of you. Maybe even someday living in the same location. I don’t know if that would make sense for you, but. But if it does make sense, then maybe that’s something that you could talk about a not. I’m not saying that you should move to a place for him or anything like that, but if it’s something that is actually physically possible for you to do, then why not talk about it so that he knows that this isn’t just going to be some sort of endless long distance relationship because nobody wants to be in an endless long distance relationship forever and ever and ever. They want it to eventually become a interpersonal relationship where you can actually wake up in bed next to the person that you love, where you can go to brunch with the person that you love, where you can introduce them to all of your friends and family members and you can go to parties and do things together.

Right? That’s what people want. And if they just think that they’re just going to be in some sort of endless marathon, long distance kind of thing, that can be a lot for them and it can make them want to give up. So, yeah, you might want to consider some of these things. and I hope this helps you out, Gigi, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here. Our next question is from Maddie. Maddie writes in and says hello everyone. Before I get into my questions, five stages wise, I think my ex is riding the dragon, he’s mostly positive towards me and I think that I’m still at the attachment stage. Question one. So I practiced the intimacy bubble for a little bit and ran into trouble both in using it with other people as well as my ex people seem to be a bit put off whenever I asked them.

What was that like for you? They seem to find it weird. My ex has told me that he finds it annoying because it seems fake to him. You’ve never asked me that before. Is there a more subtle way of using the intimacy bubble? I mean, yeah, I mean, you don’t have to use those exact questions. You could just say things like, tell me more about that. Or were you nervous when this thing happened or what was rushing through your head when they said that? Or, you know, things like that. Things that actually make sense in the context, right? You don’t just have to robotically use the things that I tell you in in the, in the lesson. That’s just an example question too. Even though I did ANC and the exercises suggested, I still find that talking to my ex impacts me emotionally in a big and negative way.

Listening to him talk about his new relationship, which was one of the reasons he broke up with me, leaves me feeling extremely sad. Oftentimes I find myself overcome by new waves of anger both at him and his girlfriend. After interacting with him, do you think this means that I need to do ANC again, should I be vulnerable and tell him about my anger or should I somehow deal with this on my own? Okay, so if interacting with him is causing you to feel bad on an emotional level, that means that it is not conducive towards creating interactions that feel good on an emotional level. So what I would do is I would stop interacting with him until you are able to interact with him. And it feels good on an emotional level. Okay? Because the more you interact with him and it feels bad, the more you’re going to pull the two of you apart.

Okay? Whether he feels bad or whether you feel bad, it is going to drive the two of you apart. So it is a big thing that you are feeling bad for. You do ANC, probably a should it be vulnerable and tell him about your anger. Only if you think it’s going to bring the two of you closer together. If you think it’s just going to cause the two of you to go further apart than I would not tell him about your anger and how to deal with it. On your own. Question three, I’d like to ask my ex what made him lose motivation to save our relationship? Is this a good question to ask or do you think it’s going to make things worse? If you think that he would be excited and thrilled to talk about why he lost the motivation to save your relationship, then go ahead and ask it.

If you think it’s going to bring the two of you closer together, then go ahead and ask it. If you think he’s going to just be like, well, this is really obvious, why are you just cluing in on this right now? Then probably not. Okay, so what I would do is I would just circle it all back and say, is this likely to create an interaction that feels good on an emotional level for him, for me, and for the two of us together. If it is likely to do that, then go ahead and do it. If it’s unlikely to do that, then don’t do it. If you don’t know if it’s going to do that or not, then work more on your empathy skills. Okay? with that being said, I hope this helps you out, Maddie, and keep us updated on how things go moving forward.

From here. Our next question is from AA. AA writes in and says, hi clay. Thanks for helping me out. Last time, just to refresh, my ex and I and a long distance relationship had almost daily contact. I thought we were in phase four when he told me that he had kind of was in love with me and sent me that gift. He says he feels attached, attracted and that he can trust me to be there for him. I’m also the closest person to him besides his family. He has now pulled back a lot again and said because of his move to another country for his career, we had to cut contact completely, but maybe we could be friends in the future. He said he was tired of our contact and that we could never be happy again due to our past arguments. Although we’ve had many talks about our past and I have sincerely apologized.

He said that we had to think about this and that we most likely would talk soon. I think had become a bit relationship focused after those events, but I also think him booking a plane ticket caused him to stress out even more. Plus dealing with his depression and family crisis. So I guess I’m in riding the Dragon. He texted me after telling me that he felt overwhelmed and carried so much anger for the past with everyone and has to deal with it alone. I empathized and told him that I respect his decision. Although I said I did wish to keep our communication. We ended the talk on a positive note. After two days he reached out. We had a brief that positive interaction. I understand that there’s so much going on that he doesn’t feel ready for anything right now and I do want to be there through this move and I think that we can get back to our regular lovely interactions, but how can I move past his resentment?

Before I knew about esp, I did no contact, but it’s like he doesn’t remember because he been depressed and time hasn’t been a concept for a long time. He would just forget a lot. I’m working on detaching. Doing ANC again. How do I get past riding the Dragon? I feel like I’ve been stuck there for so long. Thank you. Okay, so if you’ve done passive, no contact before, you’ve been essentially hoping that time will make your ex want to emotionally connect with you, right? That somehow the mere passage of time is going to change the quality of the interactions that you have with each other, and that is not really necessarily true, right? There are a lot of dubious reasons to do passive, no contact, most of which don’t work, you know, making her ex jealous, making them miss you, making them regret, breaking up with you, making them a suddenly want to open up to you, all these sorts of things.

The ultimate thing here is that you’re basically saying, okay, I, I’m not really a factor in this. The way I’m bringing myself to the interactions is irrelevant. It’s all about just me shutting off the spigot for a month or whatever, and then then I’ll just come back and everything’s going to be great, and that’s not how no contact actually works. What actually happens is if you do no contact passive, no contact, your ex is going to get accustomed to life without you, and then when you come back into the picture, they’re going to suddenly remember you as the person that you were when you stopped contacting them, and if you are the same person when you stopped contacting them, then they’re going to see no difference and they’re going to say, wow, that’s pretty good that I broke up with them because they are exactly the same person that I broke up with.

Right? And so if that was your no contact strategy, then I am not surprised that things are still difficult and I would probably recommend some active, no contact emphasis on the active part, emphasis on actively cultivating the ability to feel into situations and know what the appropriate way to respond to them on an emotional level is because that will actually help you to meet your ex where he is at an emotional level, connect with him at an emotional level and create a bond with him so that the two of you can create a strong emotional connection. Okay. So yeah, I do think that doing active no contact would probably be a good move for you. How do you get past riding the Dragon? The way that you get past riding the dragon is that you create an emotional connection that is strong so that you can really continue to build that emotional trust between you and your ex.

Okay? Your ex will continue to trust you. The stronger the emotional connection is between you and them, and the stronger that connection is, the more consistent that strong emotional connection is. The more layers of trust will get built within your ex’s emotional experience of you. And the more layers of trust they build towards you, the more they’re going to actually start to, not have these pullbacks anymore because they’re going to really see you as the person that you are. They’re going to really understand that they can consistently go to you and they’re going to consistently get a similar emotional response and that they can actually start to put some faith into interacting with you on an emotional level. And as that happens, you’ll be able to move past riding the dragon into the crisis point where ex will have to really directly confront the actual reasons that are keeping the two of you apart.

Okay. So I hope this helped you out AA and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward. Our next question is from Ellie. Ellie writes in and says, hi clay. It has been eight months of wall of reactions from my ex and I am finally ready both time wise and emotionally to talk to him about his decision to prevent a friendship from happening between us. We have organized a talk over online chat because he was not willing to meet up in person. I want to open up a discussion about the wall between us and move past it so that we may start redeveloping a friendship. I plan to focus on the emotional connection above all else. That’s a great idea, even if you won’t budge on his decision. However, I also want to let him know how I feel about being called out for so long.

Unfortunately, I have a history of letting him know how he has hurt me in the past, a lot of which were just misinterpretations of events by me, which is why he decided to wall in the out in the first place. I think he’s afraid of feeling guilty and I don’t want to make him feel guilty that way, but I also think that I should express my sadness over being walled out. Do you think this is a good idea for me to express my feelings on being walled out and risk upsetting him as a result? If so, how can I best express my feelings on the matter without upsetting him or ruining the connection because I made him feel bad. If you feel that it is not a good idea, then do you have any advice on how I might forgive him for walling me out?

I believe the main reason I want to express myself to him is because I want him to acknowledge my experiences and apologize to me. I understand that he is not obligated to, but it is what I would like. Okay, so I would express your feelings about being walled out if you think that it is going to strengthen the emotional connection between the two of you. Okay. You have to look at your look at this and say, what is the purpose of me expressing my hurt to him? You say you want him to acknowledge your experience and to apologize for it, but what is the benefit of him saying, you know, yeah, I wold you out. What’s the benefit of him doing that? Like, is this going to help you feel better in some way? If it’s not going to help you feel better in some way and it’s not going to bring the two of you closer together, then I don’t really see much of a reason to do it.

If you do decide you’re going to do it, I would recommend you go through the communication section of ESP. We talked about a lot of things there regarding communication, owning your experiences, etc, etc, so that there’s a little possibility for him to misinterpret what you say and to take it the wrong way and all that stuff. So definitely review that if I think it’s not a good idea, how do I suggest you forgive him for walking you out? I would just suggest that you put yourself in his position and say, okay, well in the past Ellie has lashed out at me and said some things just based out of misinterpretations of events. So you know, would it be so surprising that that, you know, he might while you out, could you understand where he’s coming from? Could you understand what his emotional driver might be?

Could you understand why he might choose to wall you out? If you can put yourself in his situation and say, okay, yeah, well if somebody did that to me, I would probably do the same thing or a, you know, I might’ve done things differently, but I can totally understand maybe what motivated him to do that. That makes sense. When I think about it from that perspective, then then just simply putting yourself in his position and understanding where he’s coming from, that can be enough to help you. Let go of this, this need to express this to him. If it’s not really going to be helpful in any way whatsoever. Okay, Ellie, so I hope this helps you out and keep us updated on how your online chat with him goes. Our next question is from faithful in love, faithful in love. Writes in and says, hello clay.

Thank you for answering my question. Last week, a few months ago, me and my ex had met after a period of not talking to each other. He made me promise that I won’t tell his parents about the Meet up. Guess that was because he didn’t want his jealous rebound partner to find out. He asked me to lie to them if they were asking, which I did to avoid a fight. He promised me to tell them. As soon as, we were on speaking terms. Now four months later, although the rebound is history, he still hasn’t told them that we are friends. Still says that he will do that. When I asked him what makes him keep this a secret, he said it’s because he doesn’t want them to think anything bad. I said it’s his family, so of course he can do it. In his time, I don’t want to ask any further because he was busy and I see that the topic doesn’t feel good for him.

I’m on good terms with his parents and I don’t understand why he struggles telling them, can you help me understand what might be going on here? What makes it so difficult for him? After I begged and put pressure on him for months in damage control mode, I now want to avoid pressuring my ex in any subtle way. That’s why sometimes taking longer to reply so that he doesn’t feel like I’m expecting him to always be available. It’s not about keeping score. I know my overinvestment is something that I should work on. I know this will take some time getting away from being attached to outcome. Can you give me advice on how to evolve here? I’m scared to let go and afraid it could hurt my chances of getting him back. Hosting couchsurfing, as you suggested last week, is nothing that I can do as I have a one room apartment, but sometimes I sleep in hostels, sharing rooms with strangers.

Those are opportunities to meet all different kinds of people and connect with them. What is your opinion on that? yeah. I think that’s an opportunity to connect with people as well too. Regarding your other questions. Let’s see. You said what would make it so difficult for him to tell his family? Probably because they see his family has a lot of strong opinions about you and he doesn’t want to let them know that you’re back in the picture until he is pretty sure about how you fit into his life and so that he can really tell his family, hey, we’re, I don’t know, getting back into a relationship or just friends or whatever. Right. And so he probably doesn’t want to tell them until he really knows what he’s telling them because they might think, oh, well, you know, faithful in love is no good or faithful in love is the best person.

I can’t wait for you to get back together or whatever. And so he’s probably still in the process of feeling that out and trying to understand what the two of you are when it comes to your relationship. To one another when it comes to helping you to get over an attachment to outcome, I’m really the best thing that you can do is to look for ways in your day to day life where you are attached to outcome in in smaller ways. Like maybe it’s just like, oh, when I go to the coffee shop and order my coffee in the morning and I order, I don’t know, a latte or something, and then they make me a, I don’t know, something different, a Mocha or something like, do I get upset? Do I like where do I go emotionally? What happens emotionally and how can I work through those emotions in a productive way?

Right? Where can I be less attached outcome? Not In that I’m going to be a doormat, but that I can be open to things happening the way they happen and I don’t have to have an emotional response where maybe I just yell at the person for making me the wrong drink, but instead I can maybe understand that maybe they were stressed. Maybe they misheard things and I can say, Hey, I’m sorry but I ordered a Latte, but you gave me a Mocha. Can we fix this? Or you know, you can come up with something to to to respond to them in a rational sort of collected way that’s not going to be sort of a you an emotional outburst of sorts. Okay, so look for small ways in your day to day life where you can really be less attached to outcome and where you can be more open to where things go.

Maybe this involves having more free flowing conversations with people where you don’t have a hidden agenda. We’re not trying to get something out of them when you’re just simply being present with them. We’re just letting the conversation go wherever it goes and you just open to talk about whatever you’re open to. Talk about where maybe you can actually be more vulnerable with the people that you’re having conversations with without trying to look good or, or, or, or, or make. Make sure that you don’t look bad or whatever it might be. And you can just simply tell them like, hey, yeah, like this is how I feel about things. This is what happened in my life. You know, if I’m being honest with it, with you, I voted for Donald Trump. You know, whatever it is, right? And you don’t have to worry about the consequences because you’re not attached outcome.

You’re not attached to looking good, you’re not attached to not looking bad or whatever it might be just to look for these ways in your life where you can detach from outcome and where you can just simply let life take you where it’s going to take you and you don’t have to be so wound up about making sure that you look good, making sure that you don’t look bad, making sure that things go a certain way, make sure they don’t go a certain way or whatever it might be. Okay, so I hope this helps you out. Faithful in love, and please keep us updated on how things go moving forward from here.

Okay? Those have been our questions this week. Once again, this has been Clay with www.ModernLove.Life. If you have liked this relationship and a game experience, please give us a thumbs up. Go ahead and subscribe to us on Youtube or on Itunes, and please leave a comment down below letting us know what you think about our videos. Anyway, I will talk to you next week. I hope this has helped you improve your relationship inner game.

 

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