Do You Want This? (I Might Make Something For You)

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Note 1: I am **thinking** about holding a free training on communication for commitment. If you are interested, please request to join this Facebook Group. More details in this post…

Note 2: In case you’re wondering, this is a followup to this post that I made last week, which, got a tremendous number of replies… more than I think I’ve ever gotten on a blog post.

If you can’t watch this video right now, you can read the blog post below.

My First Dive Into The World Of Communication

I’ll spare you a lot of the specifics of my breakup story with my “Big Ex,” but I do remember one thing very clearly.

After we broke up, I felt completely confused and lost.

It seemed as if the floor had fallen out from under my feet and I had fallen through a trap door into a strange world.

It was clear that there was something deeper going on in our communication — after all, she was so upset and angry with me — but I just couldn’t figure out what was happening or what I needed to do about it.

It was like I had fallen into some strange new world where nothing made sense anymore.

So, It Was Out Of Desperation I Tried Some Terrible Advice

I clearly had no clue what was going on… but even back then in 2003, the internet was offering advice on how to have a better relationship — mostly through online discussion boards.

It all seemed so strange and confusing to me.

But whatever I was doing wasn’t working, so I decided to try some of the tricks and mind games that I was reading about online.

…Let’s just say that they didn’t work out so well…

I Crashed And Burned In Abject Failure And Humiliation

By the end of my meet up with my ex where I tried out everything I learned online, I seemed to somehow be in an even worse place than before.

She was upset with me.

She was angry.

And she didn’t want anything to do with me.

(So much for mind games, reverse psychology, and being an “alpha male”…)

I didn’t know what to do.

So, I Did The Scariest Thing Of All

I did No Contact.

I let go of outcome and cut contact.

It was hard and difficult, but I stuck with it.

I didn’t get “all the way through” it though. About 3 weeks or so into it, I was checking my email between classes at school, when I saw that I got an email from my ex.

She said she was tired of this “game” we were playing and that she missed me and wanted to talk.

Later that night, we talked on the phone in one of the most honest and straightforward ways that we had in a long time.

I was detached from outcome and just listened to her.

And she left the conversation with a completely different understanding of me.

There was a lot that happened from there over the next several weeks and months… but that conversation was a major turning point between us.

And it was communication that made it possible.

So, Here’s What I’m Coming To… Here’s What Is Being Demanded Of Me… And Here Is What I Feel Compelled To Do…

Here’s the deal.

After reading through over 400 survey replies that you sent in to me, and going through who-knows-how-many comments on the blog posts I published last week, it has become clear to me that there are people out there who want to learn more about communication.

I’m **thinking** about putting together a course on advanced communication strategies for relationships.

But it’s going to be a HUGE task, for sure.

I’m Thinking About Making a Free Training For You, If You Are Interested In Improving Your Communication

I’ve been truly humbled by all the responses I’ve gotten last week with the blog posts I published.

But I think it makes sense to test the waters before I go crazy building out a full communication course by teaching a free training on communication for you.

But there’s a catch…

I’m going to need your help in this process so that I can focus on the topics and challenges that are most relevant to you.

So, Here’s What I’d Like You To Do

I’ve created a Facebook group for people who are interested in communication for commitment and relationships.

If you are interested, please request to join the Facebook group.

**IF** enough people request to join the group (I’m thinking 250 or more), I will approve all of you to join the group and do the free training.

If, on the other hand, I have completely misread the level of interest in this, then no worries, we can end all of this right here.

On Your Side,
Clay

36 Comments

  1. Liz

    Really looking forward to this

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Liz. I’ll make an update, either way, when I know if this is happening or not.

      Reply
      • Tammy Corvin

        Fantastic idea!!!

        Reply
    • Abby

      Will it be only via Facebook as I don’t do social media anymore. Since me and my husband split, I would love to be involved some kinda way but completely understand if it’s the only platform you can work with.

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        I may potentially release the recordings of this later on outside of facebook, if we go forward with this.

        Reply
  2. Ms. Kris Craig

    Good evening Clay – Bless you and your sweet family for even considering this challenge! Should you tackle this endeavor you have my support, commitment, and gratitude. Here’s to a new adventure!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the comment Kris. I’ll post an update in a few days letting everyone know if this is a “go” or not.

      Reply
  3. Christian Stochholm

    Hi Clay
    Remember me the guy with the ex with a sex addiction problem. Quick update she showed up at my house with some of my things on the 25th. She texted me that morning asking to come by. It was like the evil witch had melted away in Oz. She was her old self minus the emotional reactance and after walling me off in February.
    It was a short but nice visit.
    I did the fresh start letter early April and got nothing.
    I stayed quite. As you pointed out time allows them to open up.
    My big deal here is to note that maybe your methods do work through when dealing with a addicted love one?
    Figuring out communication with the addiction factor is tricky. So if you do this project I would research how to communicate with your ex with special conditions.
    I took a shot in the dark to buy your courses and try your methods. Now that she has tested the waters a little we will see how far your methods will go and if your playbook works with addiction driving the show?
    I have 10 years with her. For the first time in 6 months I feel confident that we can get back together.
    I’m hoping she will reach out for my 55th birthday Thursday. I’m alone with no family. She and her family are everything to me.
    I hope you will make this communication course diverse. There is no one size fits all. If you ask your clients if they have a special condition to deal with when talking to their ex like addiction I bet you will open up a whole new world for you and your company to grow with. Nobody has been able online or with the shrink been able to give me the guidance I needed.
    Again I just winged it with your stuff. I’ve listened to all the online coaches. Lots of good and very bad advice.
    Good luck.
    Call me to consult if you like
    xxx-xxx-xxxx [Edited out to protect privacy]
    Chris Stochholm

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for the update, Chirstian. Remember that your ex’s behavior is motivated by an emotional drive. The more you can remind yourself of that, the easier it will be to connect with her. If you’d like to consult, here’s a link for a coaching session: https://modernlove.life/coaching

      Reply
  4. Tish Geer

    Clay, of all the online coaches you are the one who resonated the most with me. I thought finally no rules no games just honest! You make sense! What a relief!
    I would love to see what you do with this. Looking forward to it.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thank you for the kind words Tish. I’ll post an update once I can tell if we’re going to do this group or not.

      Reply
  5. Heather Barton

    Hi Clay,
    This sounds great. Is the Facebook group private?

    Reply
  6. Jackie

    Hey Clay, it really meant a lot to me that you took the time to read everyone’s comments and respond on your previous posts!

    I thought a lot about what you said concerning my situation (that I had given him all the power, causing him to not view me as an equal, and that I should shift the dynamic to be more equal). I wanted to share with you the positive impact that advice had on my situation:

    So I made the decision to shift my attitude— to come at him from a place of confidence instead of lack. And even though we were barely in contact, that change helped shift our dynamic instantly!

    We met up Sunday for a walk in the park. The conversation was strained at first, but I began to confront his reactance in a way that put him at ease. He suddenly started opening up to me and I saw some of those walls come down.

    We talked very candidly about the possibility of us getting back together and I listened to his reasons for why he felt we made better friends. I reacted from a place of empathy instead of hurt. He felt relief. I explained how I’ve identified my weaknesses and worked on them since the breakup.

    But the key is that I truly have worked on them! And he told to me that he had noticed! That he has really enjoyed the last couple of hangouts together. He also admitted that his lack of communication during the relationship certainly contributed to our down fall.

    I asked him if he was interested in continuing to spend time together. No labels, just working on getting to know each other again to see if there can be more. He said he was fine with that. And then I remembered the issue of giving him all the power, so I told him that I would be continuing to work on MY insecurities, but that I ask he also work on his communication with me. He said he would.

    I noticed an immediate change in him after this conversation. He even texted me that night, to keep me updated about him confronting his friend (that was actively trying to put a wedge between us). But he also did little things; he informed me when he wasn’t going to be able to text back, then he came back and finished the convo by flirting, using my name in the text, and actually telling me good night and “sweet dreams”. These all seem insignificant on their face; however…

    He texted me more in one night than he has in the last SIX MONTHS. And during that whole period, he never once gave me the curtesy of letting me know he was stepping away or flat out ending the conversation, he’d just disappear. No good night texts ever and certainly had not flirted over text. Those were all behaviors reserved for when we were bf/gf.

    I just wanted to let you and others who read my story last week know about this amazing update! Taking your advice and simply adjusting my attitude/energy with him worked to change our dynamic. I don’t need a response from you, I know that was a long read! I just wanted to show my appreciating and give others a little hope that small changes can make big progress.

    I’ve been at this for SIX months and I feel closer than ever to repairing our relationship. I know there’s still work to do and it won’t be easy. But your videos and courses have helped ease my anxiety during the whole process and kept me from giving up altogether.

    I do hope that you create a class centered on communication. I’ve joined the Facebook group, and I look forward to hearing your updates. Thank you so much!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Wow! That’s amazing that you’ve made progress like that. Great job!

      Reply
  7. Hannah

    Thanks for this, Clay. I truly hope enough people like me are interested. I’ve loved your program and its helped me grow so much as a problem it just seems theres one little thing im missing and I think this course could finally be what can boost me up into finally getting closer to my ex in a way deep enough to get back together.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Hannah, so far we are at 158 people. We’ll see how many more join over the next few days.

      Reply
  8. Lilla

    Is there another way to follow your comunication program?
    I world like to be part of it…but i don’t have a facebook profile…because i don’t like be on facebook.
    Thanks 4 sim your addice and work

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      I don’t particularly like facebook either, but it is the most convenient way for many people to stay in touch, so I am reluctantly using it for this purpose. I may release recordings of this later on outside of facebook, if we go through with this.

      Reply
      • Paula

        I cant wait, communication is something i struggleed with and still do.
        Thank you from
        Ireland

        Reply
        • Clay Andrews

          Thanks Paula. I’ll post an update when I know if we can hit 250 or not.

          Reply
  9. Peter read

    Go for it have my support

    Reply
    • Alan

      Hiya Clay, I really hope you get the response your after… i think you can help a lot of people.

      I’d also like to point out, I also don’t do Facebook but totally understand where your coming from… i wish you an everyone who partakes the best of luck an i look forward to catching up if you release the recordings outside of Facebook.

      Best wishes Clay

      Alan

      Reply
      • Clay Andrews

        Thanks Alan. I understand. I took a 7 year break from Facebook myself. If we do this, I will probably release recordings outside of facebook.

        Reply
  10. Libby

    Hey clay!
    Really hoping for this program. Also thanks for even considering doing something like this.
    I feel as though i could really benefit.
    I’m back in contact with me ex after not talking for two months and it seems he will only talk with me about our dog we had together. Anytime I try to move the conversation past that he stops responding. Which is weird because the break up was amicable he’s not mad at me or resentful to my knowledge. I’m not sure what I can do to move past this. I almost want to just ask him if he has any interest in talking but not sure if that’s the right approach

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks for commenting, Libby. We ARE going to move forward with the group. It will start next week.

      Reply
  11. Dom

    Thanks Clay this sounds like it will be a fantastic space, welcoming your engagement of everyone as to your idea, while your suggested focus is an area I’m really wanting to explore as I try to better understand myself and also create a deeper connection with my ex.

    It’s all the more ironic that I caught up with my ex Girlfriend face to face for the first time (post lockdown in Aus) last night after having had text and phone contact over recent months, all following a year of no contact. The last few months she has been a little hot and cold, especially after we talk a lot or talk more deeply about things, so I wanted to prioritise listening to her, wanting to be attentive and responsive to her and not push my own agenda. She started off the night a little guarded but by the end seemed much more open and relaxed.

    Although a good night I felt she avoided discussion of anything too emotionally based and kept it pretty safe, really welcoming the opportunity through ur new group to help find courage to begin to invite her to find a deeper emotional connection.

    Thanks again for all ur doing, Dom

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hey there Dom. We ARE going to be moving forward with the group. I’ll approve everyone and we can get started next week.

      Reply
  12. Els

    I have joined the Facebook group yesterday without hesitating.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Thanks Els. We ARE going to move forward with the group. I’ll approve everyone and we can get started next week.

      Reply
  13. Delia

    I’m really lookig forward for this.

    My ex has stopped texting me suddenly after we had a nice chat via text. Since then he ignored my texts no matter how I approached him. He is very stubborn. And this has been going on for months now (our break up was like 2 years ago).
    He keeps checking on my stories and my life updates every day on a social media app. The thing is that AFTER he went cold, he accepted my friends request on that app (which was already an old request so I hadn’t it in mind). It feels like he wants to see me from distance, but doesn’t want to leave his safe space (by repling to my texts). Here is the thing: why bother to accept that request or checking on what I’m doing if there wasn’t some kind of interest?

    I know a lot of people would say that this is a lost case since it’s going on like that for a while now. I kept checking it, I did my 5 by 5 list over and over again. I let my best friend check it up too since she has a more neutral view on my situation than I have. It always ends up to the same point: not to give up. Your story about Steve was always inspiring to me that you can achieve it as long as you put the effort in it.

    The thing is I can’t use the ARS and build a connection if he won’t repond. I’m stuck and have only text messages as contact with my ex. That’s why I think this program will be helpful.

    Clay, thank you so much. I’m also thankful that this program will be for free since I’m working minimum wage and I could barel afford the ESP but if this will help me to get my ex back, it’s worth it.

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Delia, thanks for the comment. We ARE going to be moving forward with the facebook group. I’ll approve everyone and we will get started next week.

      Reply
  14. Sibylle Mani

    That is a lovely idea! But to be honest, is there not a safer way to do it than in a Facebook group?
    I really need this course – I think i am too much in my owen understanding of communication and as my Ex boyfriend Has a completely different one, it is really challenging of getting in a old communication and connection. And this all happen in a long distance situation – not easy!

    Reply
    • Clay Andrews

      Hello Sibylle, thank you for expressing your concerns. I completely understand and am actually pretty wary of “big tech” and privacy issues myself. However, this is the best way that I can think of doing this that will allow me to have a two-way dialogue with people to see what they most need help with and what is or isn’t making sense to them. Once this is over, I plan on releasing the recordings of it, so you can look forward to that in a few weeks as well.

      Reply

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